I like it. Things got worse for both parties, and something bad might happen to Sloane living in the oppressive and dangerous Courtyard.


Only thing I noticed was "Because his system built up a tolerance from his drug use." wasn't needed, it was implied to in the earlier sentence of the first paragraph.

Good work.

Just in case you weren't already motivated by everyone else, this is great. Here's hoping you go all the way with this story!

(Not in that kind of way... )

How dare you limit a child's imagination, Silly Cat. :meh:

The children are the future, and I wouldn't want the children become perverted drug abusing individuals now would I?

Oh wait, i'm too late.

I was going to post another part. But it got cut off for some reason <_<
Anyway, I after I rewrite the next part, there wont be one for a while. School starting, and all. So, just thought I'd give a heads up ^_^

Well, it's my last Summer night, and I've got school tomorrow, so here's the next chapter. Mack's side;

Mackenzie:

Drugs were finally illegal. Not just the distribution, like it's always been, but the use. Distributing them could get someone at least 4 years, use only 2. After many drug busts, crack houses became more popular, and more common.

Someone started to choke, it was another junkie. He was laying there, sound asleep, then these sounds started to come from his stomach. It sounded like he was digesting food. Eventually a white substance spewed from his mouth, and he started to choke and cough. He was obviously new to the drug. Any experienced addict would know to never sleep on their backs, after taking a fix of Jet. In the event of an OD, the victim would choke on their own vomit, in their sleep. And they'd never know it. What a way to go.

While this druggie was choking, others in the building yelled at him. Told him he was being "too loud" and that he needed to "shut the Hell up". No one in there cared, or they didn't know what was going on since they were high themselves. But when they woke up the next morning, and the smell of vomit and feces tickled their noses, they started to.

Mackenzie was still sound asleep as panic fell on everyone else. They were stuffing their pockets with as much Jet and Psycho they would hold. And after the place, was cleaned out, they alerted the authorities. Of course it was just a letter left at the office doorstep, as nobody wanted to get busted for drug distribution.

When the police arrived, they busted the door down, and started to search the destroyed drug house. At the sound of the door hinges being separated from the wall, Mack woke up with a panic. The sound of a door breaking down in a house full of junkies really only led to one thing. The police. But this house wasn't full of drug users. Just one dead body, and one other man.

Mack looked around his empty room, and started to shake. He got to his feet, and switched the look on the door. He started to dart around the room, looking all over his drugs. Which were taken from the others in the house. He pushed his hair out of his face, and started to get angry.

He punched the wall, breaking a hole in it. Because of the loud smashing sound, police came to the door and tried to open it.

"This is the NCRPD! Open the door!"

"[censored] off!" Mack yelled, pondering his situation.

The door started to shake, as the police tried to break into the room. Mack looked to his boarded up window, he had to go out of it. But because of Mack's luck, he was on the second story of the house. He felt through his pockets, and felt a bottle. He pulled it out, and read the label; "Buffout."

'Oh, thank God' Mack thought to himself, as he popped a few pills.

The effects started quickly, and he could feel himself get stronger for the brief period of time. He went up to the window, and started to pull the three boards out, one by one. He let out a yell as he pulled the nailed-down boards from the wall, until completely exposing the window. He punched the window, and it broke due to his limited time strength. There were a few cuts on his hand, but Mack didn't care.

He jumped out the window just in time for the police to kick the door in. They all shuffled trying to grab him before he went to the air, but they failed in reaching him. Mack his the ground with a thud, and groaned for a brief moment. He got back on his feet, and ran for it.

The police followed soon after, but they had the advantage of being trained for long distance running. Mack grew tired, and had to slow down. But he couldn't stop. As he was trying to jump over a fence, the police caught up with him and grabbed him, throwing him to the ground.

Mack had at three guns pointed at him, and two more officers shoving their knees in his back, and cuffing him. Two officers pointing their guns started to converse.

"Running from the police, that's like six months, right? And with all we got on this guy, he's got another two years for drugs."

Ah, a triple post. How horrid. Any input for this chapter, though? Would be nice.

I thought it was pretty good. You're polishing up on keeping in the third-person, and you used the actual effects of the drug inside of your story which is bonus points for me. Keep going, it's definitely a good fanfic to have under your belt.

:goodjob:

That says it all

Well, if I remember Fallout 2's cities, then I believe this next chapter will be correct. At least what they do. Anyway, here it is because I can't get to sleep. School will sure svck tomorrow


Mackenzie:

Mack lay in his jail cell, shaking, and sweating. His eyes darted around the room, watching the shadows, and looking for the source of the strange sounds he started to hear. The one small windowed let moonlight through and into his small one person cell. The light hit a stack of crates the officers left in each cell, and formed strange things. Or so Mack thought.

The crates' shadow started to form a person, with a recognizable figure. As his sister walked from the wall, Mack sat up in his cot. The shadowed figure of Sloane walked to Mack, and gently put it's hands on both side of his head. She smiled, and started to speak.

"I don't care about you. I left you because you're a junkie. The worst kind."

Mack could feel a warm liquid come from his nose, and tears form at his eyes. He wiped his upper lip, and stained his arm red from blood. His face got red, and he looked back to his hallucination.

"Sl-" Mack gulped, "Sloane?"

He watched the figure, and it started to fade away. He watched as the skin left it's face, exposing the muscles of the human body, soon after that it turned into a skeleton. The figure turned into a pile of dust, and blew out the wind. Mack got up and grabbed the bars around his window. He saw a dust storm outside, and started to scream his sister's name. He started to shake violently, and get louder and louder.

"Sloane! Sloane!" He screamed.

Two police officers on graveyard shift rushed to his cell, and watched as he tried to bend the bars of the window. One officer watched, as the other went to the terminal to shut down the yellow field blocking them entrance. When the field disappeared, they ran into the room and grabbed Mack by the shoulders, and threw him to the ground. He tried to break free, but kept watching the window.

"Sloane!" He started to bawl.

An officer finally got tired of his yelling, and pulled out his baton. He used the handle to hit Mack in the back of the neck, knocking him out.

Mack groaned and grabbed his head when he woke up. He was expecting to wake up in his cell, but instead found himself in a moving cage out in the Wastes. Two Brahmin were bulling the cage, while three officers sat on top of it, and another was holding on to the side.

"What's going on!" Mack demanded to know.

The officer to the side looked at Mack, and frowned when he saw he was awake.

"The chief got sick of keeping a special eye on you."

"Where are we going?" Mack asked, desperate for answers.

"You've probably heard of NCR's slave business? Vault City uses their prisoners as slaves, to whomever it willing to buy. We've been working with the First Citizen for a few months now, and we're taking you to your new home." The officer had a slight giggle to his voice. And he smiled as he watched Mack's expression.

Mack sat against the side of the cage, and looked out to the sandy dunes. He looked to the Brahmin, and saw a giant white wall in the distance, behind that was an even bigger building towering the Wastes. He could make out a fenced off area in front of the white wall.

"Is that..?" Mack asked.

"Sure is." The officer replied.

_______________________________

By the way, his drug withdrawl will turn worse, and he'll start seeing more crazy things. Since this takes place just a few days later, it's not that bad. But I can tell you, it'll be crazy

With the first paragraph, you should have been much more descriptive. The part about the light coming through the window and hitting the crates should have been two separate sentences, and you should've let your imagination run wild on the different things he saw from the shadows, then transitioned into your Sloane bit.

Also, I'm not sure if this was your intended result, but I laughed my ass of at the

"Is that..?" Mack asked.

"Sure is." The officer replied.

part. Great dialogue.

Intriguing I'll be keeping an eye on this, great work

Looking awesome, I can't wait to see more.

Dude, this is awesome

I can't wait to read more of this, keep up the great work!

Hot damn, it's the weekend. A Three day weekend at that =D So woo! Here's the next chapter. It was a bit rushed, but it seemed okay to me. Tell me who you all like it! Oh, and to Stream, what I do without your grammar lessons? You'd make a much better teacher than Mr. O'Brian! (That's my English Teacher ).


Sloane:

The sound of weak metal wheels turning past the small shack Sloane shared with Geoffrey, the cashier. As the wheel went over the rocks, they squeaked and sounded like they would shatter into pieces. Behind the sound of worn down wheels, the sound of a man mumbling to himself was heard. The annoying sounds woke up Sloane.

"Sloane... Sloane..." Mackenzie mumbled in his cage.

Sloane rolled on to her back, and looked to the man laying across the room.

"What do you want, Geoffrey?"

Geoffrey opened his eyes, and held his torso weight up with one elbow. He pulled the hair out of his face, and looked at Sloane.

"I didn't say anything?" He said.

Sloane got a confused looked on her face, and got off of her small cot. She grabbed a coat, or at least that's what they called them. It was a brown-green piece of material that she threw over her shoulders. She went to the front door, and pushed it open.

Outside, she could see four NCR police officers around a cage carriage. A man who looked like he was on the verge of death sat in the cage. And Sloane could instantly recognize her brother. Her heart sank, and she started to catch up to the cage, but without running.

When she reached the moving cage, she put her hands around the bars, and looked Mack in the eyes. The officers didn't realize at first.

"Mackenzie?" She said, a frown falling on her face.

Mack was laying down, but with his neck bent and against the cage wall. His eyes looked to Sloane, who was still following the cage.

"Sloane?" He asked.

"Mack!" She yelled, now trying to open the cage door.

The officers took notice, and told Sloane to back away from the cage.

"That's my brother!" She yelled, still trying to reach for Mack.

Sloane put her hand through the metal bars, and met Mack's hands halfway. But a police officer interrupted it, by grabbing Sloane and throwing her to the ground as hard as he could. Mack got a horrified look on his face, and reached through the bars. He grabbed the guards neck, and his arms back into the cage. Holding his hand with another, he was choking the officer with his elbow.

"Don't [censored] touch my sister!" He said, squeezing the officer's neck.

The choking sounds of the officer, attracted another. He turned around and saw the ruckus. He pulled out his Rifle, and poked the barrel of the gun through the bars, and struck Mack in the face. Mack lost his grip and fell back down, holding his face. While we was on the ground, he could see Sloane getting up, but falling back down.

"Sloane... Sloane..." Mack mumbled, watching as the gate leading to the city shut.

I liked it, can't wait to see what happens to Mack.

Maybe after this is done, you could do a short story for the reason why Sloane left in the first place?

After this chapter, the story will revolve around Geoffrey figuring out what happened, and Mack in the jail and being sold to a rich man who needs some man power. But here it is, what happened to Sloane.


Sloane:

The city gates came out from the ground, and locked into place. Sloane was unable to get up, she hit her head too hard. She was too out of it, her brain lost communication with the rest of her body. The world around her spun, and she her eyes started to fail her. Everything went blurry, then eventually things got darker. Until finally black.

Geoffrey, clueless about what had just happened, walked out of the shack with his toothbrush in his mouth. He put his arms through his coat sleeves, and pulled out his toothbrush. He spit out the paste, and looked up to the city walls. He saw Sloane on the ground, completely motionless.

He tossed his toothbrush into the shack, and ran for Sloane. When he reached her, the first thing he was her stomach staying still.

'She's not breathing.' He thought to himself.

He went to his knees, and saw felt around the back of her head, he felt a small bump. He moved his hand down to her neck, and Sloane twitched. When he brought his hand from the back of her neck, it had a small amount of blood on it. Geoffrey put his hand on Sloane's forehead, and his other hand's fingertips on the top of her chin. He applied pressure on her forehead, and tilted her head back. She let in a breath of air, and Geoffrey held her neck in place.

"She need medical attention! Somebody!" Geoffrey yelled to anyone who was listening.

Two VC guards looked at each other, and silently agreed to check out the situation. When they examined Sloane, one pulled out a radio and called for VC Doctor. Just minutes later, the city gate opened once more and a doctor, along with two body guards, walked into the Courtyard.

"You can take your hands off, I've got this now." The doctor said to Geoffrey in a kind voice.

He lifted up Sloane's head, and put a brace around her neck, but she was still breathing. The doctor said something to his guards, and one pulled out two sticks connected by cloth. He unfolded it, and put it on the ground. It was a very makeshift stretcher. The doctor, along with the two Gate guards, lifted Sloane onto the stretcher. The bodyguards carefully took her back to the city.

"Don't worry, son. The nice people at the office will take great care of your friend. What's her name?"

"Sloane." Geoffrey replied.

"What an interesting name. I'm Doctor Roget. I'm surprised to see someone know how to treat a neck injury like that."

"I worked at an old store down in NCR. I've had a few Medical books come in to stock, makes good reading material."

The doctor smiled kindly, and put his arm around Geoffrey.

"I like you, why don't you come into the first section of the city. You can meet some of my colleagues, and you can stay with your friend. Sloane."

"That'd be great, sir!"

"Please, call me William."

Dr. Roget led Geoffrey into the first section of the city, and towards his office. On the way, Geoffrey noticed some police officers surrounding a cage, and taking into the next section of the city.

"How does someone like me get through that gate?" Geoffrey asked.

"Well, you can get arrested, or you can become a citizen. But let me tell you, if you aren't born into citizenship, it's damn near impossible to become one with the test they make you take. Some of the text books they take questions from don't exist out of city limits. So all I can say is; good luck."
______________________________________________

Never knock people down, one misplaced rock and turn things worse :nono:

Liked it again. Drama, and a new character who sounds like he might be cool. Good work.

Also, as a favor, can First Citizen Lynette die a terrible, slow, death? Please?

Nice Public Service announcment at the end, dude.

I cant give any constructive critisism, because Im horrible at pointing out, or for that matter, seeing errors. So good job! :goodjob:

This part isn't directly related to one person in the story, but it's skipping to the next event. Just for the record, I'm pretty sure I'm ending this soon. After I get into some action, and Mack figures his life out, I'll come up with an ending, and then an epilogue. Anyway, here:



"Excuse me? Ms. Lynette?" A nervous VC Citizen walked into Lynette's office.

"What is it that you want? I'm very busy!"

"Yes, I'm sorry for the intrusion, ma'am."

"What do you want!? Come out with it!"

"New prisoner forms. The New California Republic sent him over. You need to sign th-"

"I know how to do my job!"

First Citizen Lynette snatched the papers from her employee's hands, and started to skim through the writing. As she was going through Mackenzie's forms, she noticed the one sentence explaining why he was there;

Use of drugs, failure to cooperate with police.

Lynette slammed the paper down on her desk, and flipped through the pages to the very last page. She signed the dotted line, and gave it back to her employee. He checked her signature, and saw she signed the orders for execution.

"Um, ma'am?"

"What is it now?"

"You seem to have ordered out men to, um, to kill Mr.... Oh that's funny, no last name."

"Don't you think I know that? A junkie will never be of use with us. Just kill him, and get the money back from NCR. No get out of my sight, I have business to attend to."

The employee nodded, and walked out the room. He looked back at the forms, and frowned. It was too simple to kill someone with the justice system. The town leader had all the power to do whatever they damn well pleased.


They stripped Mack naked, and threw him into a room where they hosed him down. The pressure from the hose hit Mack like a truck. It was freezing cold water, and it felt like he was getting shot with needles.

All the guards laughed and threw a small towel towards Mack's direction. After doing his best to dry off, he put his clothes back on, and was forced into his jail cell. Outside his cell, Mack watched as a timid looking man in a blue jumpsuit handed some papers to the chief officer.

The officer looked at the papers, and smirked. He looked to Mack, and then frowned.

"What a waste of water."


Geoffrey walked to the main gate leading into the restricted area of VC. He started to rub the giant, cold, metal gate, until it started to spin and fell into the ground. Three officers holding a prisoner forced Geoffrey out of the way, and they made their way for the old fashioned city gallows.

The prisoner was was forced up the stairs, and his neck placed through the rope. He stood motionless, accepting his fate. Geoffrey squinted, and saw the familiar face of his most hated customer, Mackenzie. Next to him, a scared looking man was whispering things into his ear.

Geoffrey stood and watched, until he realized what he was doing. Mack was the only reason he was there, and he had to save him. Somehow. He had no time, either. The only man he could go to was the mercenary that brought them to VC in the first place.

All I can say is WOW. I've just read the whole thing in half an hour. Keep it up

Liked it, I forsee intense action.

There's probably a few grammar errors in this one. And hm, I'm updating this kind of fast, eh?


Sloane:

Sloane woke up in a hospital bed, her vision was blurry. She looked at the the various machines around her, and the two tubes sending liquid to her body. A small clip was on her finger, and she could hear her monitored heartbeat. She reached her hand in her shirt, and ripped off the small pads reading her heart. Next, she steadily took out the IV, and threw the clip across the room.

She sat up to the side of the bed, and attempted to stand up. Not realizing her legs were useless for the time, she hit the ground. While down, she looked around and saw a wheelchair. She crawled over to it, and pushed it against the wall. Using the wall so it wouldn't movie, she lifted herself onto the chair.

She rolled her way to the door, but it was pushed open by Dr. Roget and another nurse. They were running to her room, thinking her heart had stopped.

"Sloane! How are you out of bed? Please, you must get back and rest." Dr. Roget pleaded.

Sloane pushed forward the wheels of her chair, and then back to have a boost of sort. She rammed into the front of the doctor, who in turn hit the wall, and slid down it. The nurse accompanying him went to help, and Sloane rolled out the door. She left the doctor's office, and couldn't see over the building. But she could hear a small crown in the section's square. She didn't know what was going on, but it was Mack about to be hanged.

Just as she went to check the crowd, Geoffrey ran up to her.

"Jesus, Sloane! How did you get here? No, never mind. It doesn't matter. Listen, they're going to kill your brother! They're going to hang him like a criminal!"

"What are you talking about?" Sloane said in disbelief.

"I don't know, it must be the town's leader. They have that kind of power here. We have to get Ben, he'll help. Just stay here, but please. Don't go to Mack."

Sloane nodded, and Geoffrey went on his way to the mercenary's shack. Sloane watched as he went through the gate, before she started to wheel towards the gallows. When she arrived, a group of people were circling the gallows, and listening to a speech a man on the platform was giving.

"No man or woman on God's brown Earth likes a junkie! Am I correct, citizens and visitors of Vault City?" He said.

The crowd all yelled in agreement.

"I do believe that this scum should be taken off the Earth! Do you not agree?"

"Hang him!" Repeated the crowd.

"You heard the people, Jeremy!" The man giving the speech said, to the scared looking man who originally got the orders.

The timid man, Jeremy, walked over to the lever that dropped the hatch. He looked at Mack, who had a sense of desperation in his face. As Jeremy grabbed the lever, and started to pull down, he was interrupted by a girl in a wheelchair.

"Are all you people really sick enough to watch an innocent man die!" She yelled at the top of her lungs, "His decision to use the drugs society created is something that only affected him! He's never hurt anybody. Only himself. He's my brother, and I refuse to let this happen!"

Jeremy looked at Mack, and started to speak.

"You have family?"

Mack nodded, unable to speak.

"Jeremy! Are you listening to this crippled woman? Pull the lever, and give this man what he deserves!"

Jeremy walked to the lever, and grabbed the top of it. He gulped, and pulled down. Mack fell, but the rope was shot apart before it could do any damage. Mack hit the ground, and curled up into a ball. Jeremy pushed the one giving him orders off the wooden platform, and far down to the ground.

Two men came from the city gate, with two dead guards behind them. Ben pulled his scoped rifle down, and smiled.

"You owe me a drink, Geoffrey. I told you I could shoot that rope."

Awesome. Can't wait for the next chapter.

I like the little touches you put into the dialogue too, they always make me laugh, even if you don't intend it.

God I hope Lynette dies a painful death, I hated her in FO2.