First thing's first, if you came here looking for a story with action, I must point you in the other direction. This is going to have more of a story to it, more detail and dialog, rather than fighting and what-not.

Addiction.

Introduction: Meet Mack, He Does Drugs.

Mack put a needle up to his mouth, and bit off the cap. Shaking, he put the needle to his arm and pierced his skin. He pushed the lever, and released the drug into his body. He let out a breathe as the effects of the Med-X started. He didn't use it to help with pain, he was addicted to the drug. Med-X and Jet, but he never touched any of the other drugs.

He shuffled through his things, and pulled out a canister with red liquid inside of it. He put part of it in his mouth and breathed in, while holding down a button on the side of the device. He shook his head, and let out a yelp of happiness. He shook the Jet container and frowned when he realized it was empty. He threw it the ground, and scared himself as the glass shattered.

"Hey, what happened? I heard something break." Mack's sister said, walking into his room.

Mack was laying in bed, just in his boxers. He was sweating profusely, and shaking. The effects of Jet were obvious to his sister, who was used to him taking drugs all the time. She walked over to Mack, and took a blanket that was partially under him. She spread the blanket over him, and patted him on the chest.

"Will you ever quit with the drugs?" She asked, knowing she wasn't going to get an answer.

She kissed her brother on the forehead, and walked out the room, letting him spend his high time alone. As much as she cared for Mack, she was sick of spending years with him, trying to help him through things. Whenever he said he quit, he just went right back to do twice as much as he normally did. He's gotten in trouble with dealers countless times, and every time she came to his rescue. Whenever he's high on the stuff he takes, he's completely oblivious to the World around him, and does whatever, whenever. And it was getting old.

Mack rolled over on his bed, and smacked the radio on his nightstand. Huey Long's voice rang through his ears, and Mack started to sing along. Mack moaned and knocked the old radio over, and the holodisc inside flew out. A crude piece of tape was on the disc, and it read "Golden Oldies."

"Song svcks." He said, in a slurred barely understandable voice.

He fell off his bed and let a big breath of air in, after just a few minutes the Jet wore off. But the Med-X he took still left him lethargic and confused. He got up from the ground, and slipped on a pair of shorts. He walked out the door, and out to the rest of the house him and his sister shared.

He walked around the railing, and down the stairs to the ground floor. He walked to the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. Inside were a few TV dinners, and some cola. He moved the food aside, and exposed a bottle of beer. He went to the wall and used the bottle opener attached to it.

Mack put the bottle up to his lips, and passed out from the Med-X.

I like it. are you going for a Trainspotting sort of thing?

That's pretty good, a few spelling and punctuation mistakes but other than that. Nice!

I like this but why did you close your ghoul fan fic i liked that one

Y'know, it funny I just watched the movie of that the first time the other day. But the story's going to be from both the sibling's views. Mack's drug use will constantly get worse, and get him in trouble. While his sister will try to find a way to help his addiction.

And I fixed what spelling mistakes I could find!

Aaaaaaand, no one seemed to read that Ghoul story, so I gave up on it.

Nice job on fixing the spelling mistakes, I see none now. By the way, like my avatar?

Good! And NO! >:C
I love it.

Why don't you like my avatar?

Edit:
Oh you do.
>:|

I'd had a few ideas in the past to do a Fallout FanFic based on the more criminal side, and more prominent, the drugs. You beat me to it and did a good job of it, I'll be sure to keep reading this. ^_^

EPICLY AWSOME, DUDE

Woo, hopefully people will actually keep reading this one! This is the introduction to Mack's sister, Sloane, who want nothing but for Mack to end his drug use. But she takes on the role as his mother, and doesn't have the ability to confront Mack about it with a strict force, and an intervention is out of question. The story will move back and forth between Sloane and Mackenzie, and I'll mark each chapter.
_______________

Introduction: Meet Sloane, She's Against Drugs.

Sloane heard a thump. She knew right away that Mack was involved. She opened the door to her room, and saw Mack on the ground across the room. Mack's never passed out after the effects of Jet, so naturally she started to panic. She rushed to him and dropped to her knees, feeling his pulse. She could still feel his heart beat, and a great weight was lifted from her shoulders. She stood back on her feet, and grabbed Mack by the ankles.

'Oh, Mackenzie. What am I going to do with you?' she thought to herself.

She started to drag him, until she came to the stairs. She sighed and looked at her brother, who, over the years of drug use, was skinny and weak looking. She picked him up, with little struggle, and threw him over her shoulder. After every step, she took a breath.

'I can't believe I'm pulling this off' she thought.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity of lifting her scrawny brother up the stairs, she reached his room. She gently let him to the floor, and opened the door. She grabbed his ankle and took him to the side of his bed. She took a breath, and lifted him onto the bed.

'Finally' was the first thing that popped into her head.

She went to the bathroom to wash the smell of her brother off her hands. She looked in the mirror and realized how bad she was sweating, and how she started to feel like she was working all day. She then figured it out. Sloane, after the years of it just being her and Mack, took on the role as his mother. She constantly cared for him, and when the time came, she managed to pull off things that would be impossible for her to do with other people. Such as lifting a one hundred and forty pound grown man up a fleet of stairs, with no help from anyone.

Sloane splashed the brown, irradiated water on her face, then wiped it off with a cloth. She felt her stomach tingle, and she decided to go get something to eat. When she opened the fridge, she frowned. TV Dinners, and Soda. She was in the mood for something different tonight. Something that was more of a delicacy to her family. She grabbed her coat from her room, and went to check on Mack. Still sound asleep.

Sloane went outside, to the streets of NCR. The General Store was just a block away, and she started to pace quickly down the road. She passed a few people, and was greeted by each one. But not with the "Hello" that most people say, instead it was questions about Mack, and how he was holding up.

Most people in their neighborhood knew about Mack's problem, and they all despised him for it. But they couldn't let Sloane know that, so they always pretended to care. But if Mack was seen walking down the streets ? which was a rare sight ? he'd be greeted with countless scowls, and curses.

After the longest block Sloane's ever walked, she reached the general store. She walked in, and paced back in forth through the few isles is had. After some hard decisions, she picked out more rare food. Such as fish, some sort of bird, and other animals that were only kept by farmers. And farmers that didn't just take from the land was rare where they were.

Sloane dropped her items on the counter, and the cashier marked them off on the inventory list. He grabbed each item and bagged them in a paper bag. He slid the bag over to Sloane, but then pulled it back.

"You're Sloane, aren't you? The addict's sister?"

Sloane looked down, "Yeah, that's me."

"Food's on the house." The cashier smiled.

Sloane grabbed the bag, and tried to pull it towards her. But the cashier wouldn't let her take it.

"Is there a problem?" Sloane asked.

"I know how to help your brother." The cashier said, looking right into Sloane's eyes.

0.o? Sounds dangerous and awsoem at teh same time

Anyone else wanna share comments? =D

Can't really say anything right now, will when the story develops a bit.

I just want to know if I still have readers, haha. Here's the next part, explaining the drug world in NCR, and a very common consequence from possession.


Mackenzie:

Mack was snoring after Sloane left. His snoring grew louder, and louder, until one was so loud he woke himself up. Scared, he jumped up and threw off his blanket, and shifted around the sheets looking around the room. He never figured out what the sound was, but he wasn't surprised he heard anything crazy.

"Jet." He mumbled to himself, thinking that was the cause of the sound.

Slowly, he got out of bed and put on a stained white T-Shirt. Blood stains, throw up stains, stains from just about everything you could think of. He moved his shoulder up his nose, and sniffed.

"Yech!" He exclaimed.

He opened his door, and walked back down the stairs. He opened the door leading to Sloane's room, and poked his head in.

"Sloane? You home?"

When we didn't receive an answer, he assumed she went out to the store. Mack went back upstairs, and looked through his bags. He was out of Jet and Med-X. He sighed and walked to the other side of his room. He pushed a few books aside on his book shelf, and pulled out a smaller book that was hidden behind them all.

He opened it up, to reveal it was hollow and, instead of a book, it was small box. A small box full of Cash from selling his Jet for profit. He shoved some money in his pocket, and went outside to find a dealer. He looked down the street, and spotted his sister walking into the general store. He smiled, proud of his correct hunch.

He went in the opposite direction, and was headed for the town's huge hotel. That's where he'd get his next fix. He had a trusted dealer, and there were a lot in the city. With a population of 700,000, there's going to be a lot of criminals and drug dealers. None of the drugs were illegal, but distributing them for profit was in NCR.

A huge police force matched the amount of criminals. So most dealers were doing all their work completely in hiding. Luckily for Mack, the hotel owner was a user himself. And since he was such an influential man, he could persuade people to do just about anything. In his hotel, he kept a big chem and illegal hooch store in his basemant. He also branched off in other's basemant around the city. The underground drug world was huge. And for the most part, literally underground.

Mack reached his destination in just a few minutes. He was a well known buyer in the Hotel, and they were probably the only people besides his sister that liked him. Mack walked up to the woman behind the counter, who instantly knew what he was there for. She pressed a button under the counter, which unlocked the hatch leading to the basemant. She nodded, and Mack moved to the next room.

He opened the hatch leading downstairs, and descended down the ladder. It was like a bar in the basemant. People were around tables, drinking their hooch, while chem users were put in rooms covered in padding. These people were Mack's friends, and it was only because they had one thing in common. They were addicted to various things.

Mack went to the Hotel owner, who sat behind a circular counter in the middle of the room.

"Mackenzie! My good friend! The normal, is it?"

"Yes please!" Mack said with the enthusiasm. Enthusiastic only because he knew in just half an hour he'd take the Jet again. He took his drugs, and paid what he owed. He started out with a fast walk, which turned into a jog, then into a run. He wanted to get home, and repeat his using process.

He was running down the road, when two people came out of an alleyway. One male, the other female. They were obvious drug users, judging my their looks. And they knew Mack had Jet, because of his reputation. The male addict smiled, showing 4 yellow teeth. He pulled up a handle, and pressed the button on the side. A blade flew up, and the two addicts walked closer to the scared Mackenzie.

sweeeet, usually i only read action stories but you changed me man

Oh my god CONTINUE THIS!!!!!! I AM SO INTO THIS RIGHT NOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO MACK!!! :vaultboy:

Nice cliffhanger. You used a few... how can I put this, "soft words". I think you should be brutally honest in your writing. For example:

"They were addicted to various things."

Has a lot less impact compared to:

"They were all junkies, just like him."

That's my two cents. Mack is a bad person for doing this, don't be scared to show that. A great thing about that is showing real development and conflict between his sister.

Can't wait for him to have withdrawal effects, if he ever does quit. You can get VERY creative during those.

This is definitely the time I enjoy writing, haha. So here's the next chapter. It seems a bit different, and slow to me, but idk. Anyways, this is still the introduction stage to the store, so after the next part, is when time skips forward, and things start going downhill
EDIT: I lied, the next part is the time skip, and when things get worse!


Sloane:

Sloane walked out of the store, extremely happy. Anyone could tell, she was giving off a good vibe. She rushed home, to tell the news to Mack. Wait, what was she thinking? She couldn't tell him, he'd never let her do it. She'd just think of a plan, a way to sneak the antidote into Mack.

To shed some light on the "antidote"; after the cashier offered Sloane information to help Mack, Sloane demanded what it was. He happily told her. In Vault City, a doctor found out a combination of items that would cure the need to take the drug Jet. He called it an antidote. No one knew how it worked, but it did. For some reason, word never reached NCR about the antidote. Maybe it was because of the dealers, but again, no one knew.

Sloane figured it would be hard, to get the antidote, and if she couldn't pull off the journey herself, she'd have to pay someone else to get the antidote from the Vault City doctor. No matter what, she'd get the "antidote" and she'd save her brother from drugs. Save him from himself.

She ran down the block in just a minute, and saw a group of people in the street just a few blocks down. She shrugged and went inside, with a smile on her face. She went upstairs, and opened the door to Mack's room. But to her surprise, he was gone. She figured he didn't leave the house, and went to the bathroom. She knocked on the door, and there was no sound. She opened the door, empty.

"Mack? Mackenzie? Are you home?" She called out, but there was no reply.

She went back outside, and looked down the street to the group of people. Police were just getting to the scene, and one officer went to speak to a citizen. The woman the officer was talking to, turned around, and saw Sloane. She pointed, and the officer looked. He ran to Sloane, who was paralyzed with fear. The worst thoughts ran through her head.

When the officer made it to Sloane, he took off his hat. Sloane lost her breathe, she was choking, she couldn't breath.

"Ma'am? I'm Officer Nathaniel. I have some bad news."

Sloane's eyes watered up, and she could feel a frown forced onto her face. She used her hand to cover her face, and she started to let out a mysterious sound.

"Your brother? Mackenzie? He was attacked, by drug addicts, people are saying. Witnesses said they took his possessions and ran off. We'll send officers to look for them as soon as we can."

"What.. What happened to my brother? What happened to Mack?"

"He's still alive, but the outlook is-"

Sloane didn't care for what the police officer had to say, she ran, she ran faster than she ever had before. She pushed and shoved people aside with brute force, until being stopped by another NCR officer.

"I'm his sister!" She screamed, tears pouring from her eyes.

The officer gulped, and let her by. She hit the ground, and slid a few inches to her brother. His white shirt was now red, and he had blood coming from his mouth. She picked up Mack's head, and held it against her chest.

"Don't leave me, don't leave me, you're all I have left." She repeated to Mack. She was now bawling.

Mackenzie was still conscious, and he looked up to Sloane and smiled. Blood came from his lips.

"Sloane?" Mack said. "It's gonna be fine."

Wow, this is just getting better and better. I noticed one grammar mistake though.

"She went upstairs, and opened the door to Mack's room. But to her surprise, she was gone."

:D

I liked it, could have alluded a little more to what Sloane is going to do about the antidote though.

Also, the "Oh, I forgot that part, didn't I? " part really took away my immersion from the story for that paragraph. You might want to avoid speaking directly to the reader, this being from the third-person POV.

Don't take this the wrong way, it's just helping you out a little.

Yeah, that was an attempt at a new thing. Judging by what you said, I know to avoid it. Just seeing how you readers like it, so I've got a good idea on how to write this out! Thanks for the critique!
EDIT: Actually I changed that part, just changed it up a bit. And the typo. So thanks ya'll.

Well, it would be perfectly acceptable if you were telling this from the first-person perspective, as if you were somehow a part of this story in the past and were retelling it. But because it's third person, you should only tell the story straight up, and add spice in the form of deep description and powerful/creative dialogue.

Sorry I'm telling you so many negative things, it's just easier to tell someone what they do wrong compared to what they do good.

I'm glad you're telling me negative things. There's always room for improvement, and all.

This Page needs some story in it :hehe: This is a big skip through time, so it's just a chain of events after Mack's hospital stay


Mackenzie & Sloane: Downward Spiral.

Sloane was too busy crying to do anything else. Mack was still in the hospital, in the ICU. He was in and out of consciousness, not getting better nor worse. Mack's doctor, and long time friend, told Sloane that they counted at least ten puncture wounds, all in the chest and stomach. But because of his excessive use of the drug Med-X, none of the pain killers they tried to give him worked anymore; his system built up a tolerance. Med-X would never be of use to Mack again, which wasn't exactly a good thing in his condition.

"It's nothing short of a miracle." The doctor had said to Sloane.

Because the Med-X would never affect Mack again, Sloane knew he'd start to try other drugs. Like psycho, or Buffout. Even Mentats, if they would do anything. Psycho would make Mack agile, and quick, which would inspire him to do crimes because he'd outrun the police. Buffout would make him strong, and tolerant against pain. In the event he got caught by the police, he wouldn't go out without a fight. And Mentats would make Mack more responsive, he would think about things more. Which would why he would start crimes in the first place.

Being the mother figure Sloane was, all these thoughts passed through her head, all though they were very unlikely. The possibilities. That's why she felt she had to get the antidote before Mack was let from the hospital. That was, if he managed to live it out. After spending the first few days by Mack's side, she finally started to leave the hospital, and come back to visit occasionally. When the day came that Mack was finally stable, far too longer than it should have been, Sloane left the city. No one knew where she went, no one knew why she left her brother there.

Sloane wasn't the only one to just drop off the face of the Earth, so did the new cashier who worked at the General Store down the street from her house, and so did a well known mercenary who stayed at the Hotel where Mack bought his drugs. With no reason for their disappearances, people started rumors.

Sloane was sick of her life in NCR, sick of her brother. She started a relationship with the cashier, and decided to leave the city. With no way of them surviving, they had to hire a mercenary guard to take them to the another safe home. Far from NCR.

But no one knew, no one knew the truth. Sloane left to help her brother. Sloane left to find a cure. But because of the rumors, Mackenzie went crazy. He fell deep into depression, drug use, crime. His sister left him, what reasons did he have to live? Drugs. That was his reason for life. He didn't wish to die, but he didn't want to live. But in those few minutes of enjoyment he gets from Jet, and Psycho, and Buffout, he loves life.

Mack moved from his old place, because it reminded him too much of Sloane. He moved into a 'Drug House', but he spent most of his time underneath the massive hotel. Mack was still strongly against alcohol. Refusing to "put that garbage" into his body. He was a real mystery after Sloane left.

Sloane, after months of becoming lost, fighting, hiking, tears and blood, finally arrived to Vault City. Her plan was to simply walk into the city, meet the doctor, but the antidote and leave. But it wasn't as easy as that. The inhabitants of Vault City didn't trust anyone who didn't come from the Vault. Outside the white stone walls of the city, was a shanty town. The Courtyard. It's where all the hopeless people of the Wasteland stayed to try their best to survive. And for the time being, that's where Sloane, Gary the Cashier, and the nameless mercenary would stay.