» Fri Dec 16, 2011 9:42 pm Its time for us to pool our collective knowledge for the good of all Nirn.
Excerpt from A Treatise on the sociological, psychological, and economic observations in the land of Skyrim by Melidere Talius
In the tradition of my family, I have wandered this land, observing its culture, and recording it for future generations, and hope to explain the strange and varied behavior which may confuse outsiders. The period in question occurs around the Civil War in the 4th Age, but there is little sign things will change substantially in the future judging by, quite frankly, the Nord's disposition to celebrating idiocy.
Hopefully these observations will help you make sense of the land as you visit;
1) In a lost Nordic Burial ritual, commonly thought to buy the departed passage to Sovngard, 3 gold septims are placed in a nearby urn to the ferryman toll (8 for business class). Unfortunately due to inflation, the cost for travel is now 20 gold septims, and many of the nordic dead simply lie around feeling very very angry about the whole thing. As many of these ancient nords only speak dragon language, the phrasing of "Hello Sir, could you by any chance give me a few gold to send a chap to Sovngard" is commonly misinterpreted by adventurers as a magical shout attacking them and promptly dispatch these unfortunate souls back into the limbo from whence they came. The Afterlife is no fun for a Nord.
2) The great Soap shortage continues to affect the lands of Skyrim. There was a brief import of the substance 9 years ago, which allowed men and women to get close enough to have children, but sadly have not been able to stomach the smell of a strong nord woman or man since. This would explain why children are not only protected by the gods.. but are all 8 years old.
3) Not famed for their intellect, The Newspapers of Skyrim Puzzle Page consists of "match pikchures wot luk the saem".
This is sufficient to perplex all adventurers in the realm and therefore deemed solid enough to lock the vaults of dangerous and valuable crypts with the same puzzle.
4) Skyrim Cuisine: Cook Meat, Add Salt, Add Carrot (Step 3 optional)
Skyrim has no 5 star.. or 2 star.. or even 1 star restaurants.
5) The legendary companions of Skyrim are no longer as respected as they used to be. In a time of war, and dragons.. nobody bothers to employ them to help except for menial tasks. This comes as little surprise to this researcher, as we observed that even when their city is under siege, they couldn't be bothered to get out of bed or put their bread down to lend a hand.
This may have something to do with a peculiar genetic trait exclusive to the companions where they will drop everything to chase a cat bandit, or play "fetch" for a lost item.
6) Sadly the Winterhold College is not held in high esteem by Nirns enchanters, as their members still hold firmly to the idea that to learn how something works you should "Smash it with a hammer".
7) Brawling is a popular pastime in local bars, so be careful. However, whilst weapons are strictly forbidden, there are no honour rules against wearing several layers of metal all over during these confrontatons.
Nords have yet to work out why they rarely win these disagreements.
8) Since the fall of the Mages Guild, magical knowledge has been severely compromised. Not only have the Mages of Skyrim forgotten half of their spells, they even managed to lose an entire branch of their craft. This was very careless of them.
9) The Dark Brotherhood employed too many Nords, and their ranks have been severely devastated due to the drop in intelligence. They routinely name their leader in all correspondance, and their primary method of assassination is to stand near a road and hope your target wanders past before you get mauled by a passing bear.
10) The continuation of travelling minstrils along the roads has severely decreased fatalities in the wild, thanks to their psychic danger sense abilities, and ability to start playing an urgent song when there is something dangerous attacking. In Skyrim, they have been joined by wandering singing Monks in the hope that one day, maybe a dragon will show up and they can sing the ONLY song they know.
11) Skyrims Horses unusually enough, have claws as sharp as steel, able to climb the steepest of hills. Alas, this has imbued them with an overinflated sense of power, and will happily go toe to toe with a dragon... briefly.
12) Like Cyrodiil, the inhabitants of Skyrim are so obsessed with chastity and modesty that they will never remove their clothes. Ever. A guard may take his armour off to go to sleep, but this is considered slightly rude, and only ever done indoors with other men.
13) In an effort to prevent an unhealthy interest in education, Skyrims bookshelves were originally designed to swallow books once full.
14) Working on the assumption that everybody is guilty of something, its easier to simply to tell everyone that they are being watched like dirty sneak thieves than actually do any police work.
15) Nords are famed for their boasting and exaggeration, almost exclusively by a factor of 10. 7000 steps is actually 700 steps, and 10 inches big is...
16) Some wolves carry gold. This is a mystery. One of the companions goes missing everytime you kill a wolf carrying gold. Also a mystery.
17) Power was balanced so carefully in Skyrim hundreds of years ago, that a necklace capable of giving the wearer a bit more magic, health, and stamina was sufficient to conquer the country.
18) The Jarls of Skyrim are a noble race, and will freely stand all day if someone happens to have sat on their throne before they get there.
19) Among the magical losses, the guards of Skyrim lament the loss of the Psychic Investigator spell commonly used in Cyrodiil 200 years ago. This is compensated somewhat by the "Auto Vigilante" spell homeowners use to summon thugs to chase down their goods. Guards would fulfill this role however they are unable to run for long distances.....
20) One of the most well observed phenomenon: A true Nord will not wear any armour between the chest and feet. Sadly this has put the end to many an adventurers career when they took an arrow in the knee. Immigrants are often faced with a blank stare when the word Greaves is mentioned.
This is an excerpt from the newest travel guide to Skyrim - What important facts would you want Immigrants to understand about Skyrim in your Chapter?
ADDITIONAL OBSERVATIONS
21) Everyone in Skyrim is a master blacksmith. However only Milk Drinkers take on Godlike entities wearing decent armour. A real nord fights gods wearing a leather loincloth and an evil grin. Visitors to this land often misunderstand this.
22) Despite the best efforts of Skyrim's big friendly giantfolk, the brave folk who are sent up to space have yet to return alive. Some have yet to cease moving upwards.(Contributed by Bieltan)
23) The Justice System is somewhat of a joke, criminals are given the option of Bribe, Jail, or Kill Everything in Sight. Due to the indiscriminate nature of Guard Archers, this tends to lead to wholescale slaughters and riots. (Idea from Spindle, expanded by Cerddor)
24) The Nords of Skyrim have become fat and too full of mead. Who could blame them really? They have no knowledge of acrobatics in this backwards land. I must write to my friend in the Imperial City, Ricardius Simminus about the matter. (Contributed by Kurie726)
25) Nord guards are famous for their intiation test, which is to take an arrow in the knee. A result of said Nord becoming a guard will result in his cousin going out and fighting dragons.(Ledgend122)
26) the Clubs of giants contain a very powerful spell similar to the one that caused the death of the wizard tarhiel 200 years ago. (Akaryu)
27) The Dark Brotherhood found it more cost effective to use a printing press for their assassination contracts, as hand written ones aren't very practical. (Typhoonxs)
28) The people of Skyrim are known to have a completely distorted sense of gratitude. They're very ungrateful towards heroes who accomplish great tasks such as saving the world from destruction, but they cheer at any random folk able to revive a dying tree no one should care about. (dAb)
29) An epidemic is currently plaguing Skyrim, where many adventurers are shot in the knee with an arrow, forcing them to take up a career as a guard. Immigrants should be aware of this problem and wear knee high armoured boots at all times. (Daniel Prince)
30) The Throat of the World, the highest mountain on the continent of Tamriel does not even require oxygen to summit.(Duraska)
31) Despite having ten fingers, it it against nordic tradition to wear more than one ring. Adventurers who dishonor this are shot in the knee, essentially ending there adventuring days(Vardel N'wah Velull)
32) According to multiple well-respected sources within Skyrim's healing community, cases of Forsworn women suffering from frostbit nipbles has reached near epidemic levels.(Brixq)
33) The Bards College of Solitude has an open door policy on admissions, you may become a qualified Bard by either a) Showing Mastery in poetry, nordic prose, storytelling, singing, lute playing, drum playing and flute expressionism, or B ) Looting tombs and Forgery of Historical Documents (Cerddor)
34) Skyrim residents, like their Imperial cousins to the south, learned long ago to cover family heirlooms, personal weapons, and powerful artifacts with an incredibly strong adhesive in the (likely) event that the item would be lost. Then, should a willing adventurer agree to recover the item, it simply attaches itself to their person and cannot be removed by any known surgery or magic save the touch of the owner (or the owner's descendant/interested party, as the case may be). In this way, all lost items will eventually be recovered, often to the chagrin of the poor adventurers covered in magic baubles, ancient swords, and family armor.(Someonetookmyname)
35) Visitors should also be aware that food must be kept under lock and key at all times. Sweet Rolls, in particular, are liable to go missing and reporting them being stolen will be met with derision by the guards.(Koyoti)
36) The most honorable of adventurers were granted the title of Thane, and assigned a Housecarl for lifelong service. The duties of a Housecarl included verifying the functionaly of any traps encountered during an adventure, carrying burdens, and warding off evil night spirits by sitting in a chair and watching their Thane sleep. Details are sparse, but records seem to indicate that the Norse term for a Housecarl's retirement was "Boethiah"..(JohnnySquaw)
37) The Nord people were known to have extremely powerful, almost mystical, imaginations. Those who carelessly let their imagination wander would inadvertently wind up with arrows protruding from their necks, acquaintances collapsing dead before their very eyes, or other such travesties.(JohnnySquaw)
38) The masters of various guilds in Skyrim believed that a true leader should never consider themselves above even the lowest-ranking member of their organization. To this point, the leader of the Companions was often tasked with fetching the mead, Imperial officers were harrassed by their subordinates for lollygaggin', and the Archmage of Winterhold College frequently had his magical aptitude questioned by the Jarl's wizards.(JohnnySquaw)
39) The proper greeting in Skyrim was not "Hello", "Good day", "Greetings", or any other phrase common in different parts of Nirn. Rather, it was considered much more polite to spout phrases pertaining to your line of work, the clothing selection of others, or tragic personal stories to anybody who came within earshot. It was not only good etiquette to greet others with these phrases, but also to use them whenever two strangers were having an important conversation in which you were not involved.(JohnnySquaw)
40) Although the world was saved by the noble Dovahkiin, he was killed shortly after by the dreaded Ursikiin (Bearborn). Tragically, those born of the Dragon are merely playthings to those born of the Bear..(JohnnySquaw)
41) It is a custom amongst the Nords to drink any bottle they find in their pocket. The amount of deaths caused by this has reduced the number of meaderies to less than 10. This has resulted in a mead shortage that is commonly complained about by the guards of Skyrim.(Rainbow Daedroth)
42) Due to hardy constitution of those living, or even visiting Skyrim, most people can survive arrows, spikes of ice and battleaxes to the face, get struck by a lightning bolt and walk away, and simply shrug off dragon fire. Often all at the same time. Whilst naked.(Jimbob-2)
43) The Nords are noted for being extremely racist. In actuality they are too stupid to be racist. While traveling through many towns and settlements my Orc compatriot was addressed as "kinsman", "friend", and other pleasantries and never as an orc. Only when we entered an orc stronghold was he recognized as an orc. It is my opinion that if the Dunmer in Windhelm didn't tell the Nords they were Dunmer, the Nords would never know. The only Nords who seem to recognize other races are those who are or were employed by the Empire, and even then they may forget.(Havelock1000)
44) It has turned out that some inhabitants of Skyrim are blessed with what the most ancient of prophecies know as "essentialborn". It is impossible to defeat them in mortal combat, as they simply drop to a knee and regain their balance, ready to fight again.(Rainbow Daedroth)
45) The cold weather of Skyrim is known to cause severe episodes of brain freezing, causing victims of this condition to disregard arrows in their head as products of their imagination.
More recent resaerch suggests that said condition may also be responsible for the famous bravery of Skyrims population, finally giving an explanation for cases where even Skyrimi
which got nailed to the ceiling by a burning Greatsword through chest and head would still boast promises of death towards their confused enemys.(Johnny Doe)
46) It is a little known fact that the blacksmiths of Skyrim, often derided as uncivilized barbarians abroad, are actually capable of producing some of the finest weapons and armor in the world. So devoted are they to their craft that they spend the majority of their days reinforcing armor at their workbenches and sharpening blades at their grindstones until the quality is near legendary. Unfortunately, due to the Nord's cultural distaste towards those that augment their combat prowess with what they view as "crutches" (in much the same way as they view greaves and pauldrons to be armor suited only for weaker races), these masterwork pieces are routinely melted down for scrap metal as soon as they are finished, and only the most basic of equipment is sold. Any adventurers looking to upgrade their weapons and armor will find that no blacksmith will agree to their request at any price and they will be forced to do the work themselves or go without. The fact that Nord blacksmiths greatly respect their fellow craftsman and will freely allow others to make use of their forges is a small comfort to those few adventurers willing to take up the trade for the sake of having useful equipment.(Jupiah)
47) The smaller fauna of Skyrim possess an amazing strength in their small frames. They can stop the burliest adventurer in their tracks or nudge them aside with great ease. Also of note is the near deification that is held for the humble chicken. It is strongly recommended that you avoid injuring this holy animal as any hurt visited upon it will be returned a thousand fold.(Nameless)
48) Many merchants throughout Skyrim can be found wearing buckets, kettles and pots as headwear. Very few people know why, and even fewer know how they can still call themselves merchants when their shop appears to be devoid of anything not nailed down. (The robomega)
49) The dragons of Skyrim appear to have the same diminishing intelligence as the inhabitants of Skyrim. While being the original users of the dragon language, which has the power to slow time, blast enemies away, shoot frost and fire, and even have animals come to help them; they appear to be unable to use it beyond a few fire and/or frost shouts and randomly using it in conversations. This can be confusing for a traveler encountering their first dragon, as the dragon will usually ignore them and chase after and kill random animals, instead of the town full of guards firing arrows.(The robomega)
50) Nords have a unnecessary flair for the dramatic, highlighted by the fact that their traditional response to a heavily wounded mythical creature is to jump on its head and attempt to punch it to death. (Cerddor)
Hope to get to 100. It was actually harder this time, over Oblivions list, because I was doing my best to avoid poking fun at bugs and Bethesda actually fixed most of the things in the original list.
