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Post » Sun Feb 20, 2011 2:19 am



That's right, I'm Canadian.
And yes, my name is Matt.

=============================

Chapter 1: Abandoned

Matt lifted his head off the soft, silky sand. The sun shone brightly in his eyes, but he didn't know where he was. "Bonjour! Cama sava?" A man with a mustache was standing above him, black hair flowing in the wind. He was thin, and as he had already heard, he spoke French.
"Ahh...cava bien. Tu parle English?" luckily he too spoke it.
"Oui! It is good to 'ear our language 'as not been forgotten!" the Frenchman said with a thick accent. "What 'appened to you? I saw you laying 'ere in the sun, I decided to 'elp you, zat is...if you need it."
"Ahh, no thanks, just a bit confused...I don't remember what happened."

The Frenchman stroked his mustache, then drew out a picture, it was a black and white photograph of handsome young man and a beautiful woman with blonde hair, who appeared to be the same age as him. He instantly recognised himself as the young man. "I believe zis is you." he handed over the picture.
"I am sorry I cannot 'elp you much, but I think zis will 'elp." Matt took the photo into his hand and examined it closely. Behind both of them was a sign labelled with the word "Ultra-Luxe". It appeared they were celebrating something, they were both dressed formally, and they were laughing. A champagne bottle with two glasses sat on the table between them, they were in a restaurant.

The stranger's voice drew him from his trance. "Are you alright?" He looked into Matt's eyes. "You don't look to well..."
"Oh, I'm fine, thank you..."
"Jacques. Jacques Ousteff, it 'as been a pleasure to speak to you, but I must be off. I was supposed to meet with a friend of mine, 'ave a good one my friend. Au revoir!" He said, walking away.

Matt rose from the ground, he was wearing a black suit, and the right sleeve had been ripped. He had not been injured, but he assumed a struggle had occured, judging by the wrinkled fabric around his shoulders. He ran his fingers through his hair and he felt a bump. "Damn...must've been knocked out." He pulled his pockets inside out and saw he had indeed been robbed. He pulled off his suit's jacket and threw it over his shoulder. Matt looked over the horizon. There was almost nothing in sight but he could just barely make out a town in the distance. He started towards it, but felt a pain in his foot. He decided to ignore it until he got to the town, hopefully there would be people there, friendly ones at that.

And so Matt began his journey, hoping to find answers, searching for clues to his life.
================================================================

Opinions? Questions? Don't speak French?

"Bonjour!" - Hello!
"Cama sava?" -How are you doing?
"Sava bien." -Doing good.
"Oui!" -Yes!
"Au revoir!" -Goodbye!/Farewell!

Please leave constructive criticism or comments on my writing, as I would like to improve it.
This is my first piece on this forum, I would like to make it good.
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David John Hunter
 
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Post » Sun Feb 20, 2011 4:43 am

Welcome to the forums!

That said, you do need to go back and edit a couple small problems, like forgetting a T in your character's name. Since this is the first installment of [hopefully] many, I don't have a problem with you leaving us wondering more, but you should definitely make sure you answer some in the next one. This one was good, and I like the atmosphere setup. Keep it up.
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Ash
 
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Post » Sun Feb 20, 2011 3:39 pm

Why, thank you Ant1iv3. I do hope to creat quite a few installments to this story, and yes, answers will be provided, but spread out evenly throughout the story. I couldn't find any other errors in the first chapter other than the forgotten "t" in my character's name, could you please make them more specific?
Anyways, Chapter 2!

======================================
Chapter 2- That Guy

Matt continued walking and he reached a small group of tents. There were several people all wearing uniforms, and holding guns. One of the men approached him. "Waht d'you think YOUR doin'? Prime is off limeits..." the man sounded drunk, and was still holding a bottle of vodka. A woman now stepped forward and pushed the man aside. "Sorry about him, he's been getting drunk since New Years. Primm isn't off limits anymore, some guy got rid of the convicts and there's a new sheriff. If you want you can go on ahead." She walked back to the tents.
"Wuzza mattur? Gat called yur tong?" The man fell over and alcohol spilled from the bottle. "New Years..." Matt looked back at the photo. Once again he saw himself with the young blonde, sitting at a table in the Ultra-Luxe. He peered at it more closely, and in the back of the picture was a poster bearing "New Years - 228-" but the last number was cut off.
"So we were celebrating New Years...in Vegas?" He examined the picture once more, this time the woman next to him. There was a ring on her finger...were they married? Or engaged? There were several people behind them too. Matt decided to ask around, see if anyone knew anyone from the pictures.

"Hey! Someone?" he called towards the tents. A man walked out. "What?"
"Do you recognise anyone from this picture?" he passed the photo to the man. Then the man pointed towards the back. "You don't know who this is?"
Matt looked at him. "Well, no." the man gave him a confused look. "You don't know who this guy is? This is the guy who cleared out Primm, the guy who fought the second Battle of Hoover Dam. This guy's a legend!" Matt looked at him "Where can I find him?"
"Well, he mostly sits in his suite in the Lucky 38, which was recently reopened...but otherwise, he visits NCR camps to boost morale."

"How can I get to New Vegas?" the man's cheerful expression disappeared. "Well, that's quite a bit away...are you an NCR citizen?"
"Uhh..I don't know." he cast Matt a glare.
"Are you joking?"
"No. I honestly don't know, I'm just trying to find out who I am." He noticed he was sweating immensly.
"Hmm...you're probably from the strip, you got any money?"
"No, I was robbed."
"Well...they should still be able to recognise you by facial recognision...but if I take you there, you owe me a drink."
"Uhh...OK?" they shook hands, but Matt had a feeling this wasn't a good idea."

The man walked a bit away. "Listen, I'm being transfered to Camp McCarren tommorrow, so I should be able to take you with me, just don't get into trouble."

If only it were that easy...
========================================================
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Shannon Marie Jones
 
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Post » Sun Feb 20, 2011 1:47 pm

Liking this so far. There's seems to be a nice mystery lingering around.

There are a few typos here and there, but they don't really bother me, so I can't be bothered to point them out. I just suggest you type each chapter on Word before hand, which'll catch out those little mistakes.

Happy writing!
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Andrew
 
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Post » Sun Feb 20, 2011 2:47 am

Welcome. Nice to get newcomers. I now would like to point some things out.

When writing a story out on the internet, you usually put spaces between the dialogue likes so:

"The reactor has gone critical," he screamed.

"Well that svcks," she replied.

Like so. Another major flaw in the dialogue, is the improper use. You put a comma when indicating whose talking.

"The reactor has gone critical!" he screamed. That is wrong.

"The reactor has gone critical," he screamed. That is correct.

Use this rule. It is broken quite a lot.

Another bad thing is that you let the reader do a lot of the work. For instance at the end of Chapter One the main character was walking to a town. Chapter Two and he is at some tents. Confusion ensued, was this town or was this in the town? Or was this outside of the town? When the drunkard mention Prime, it clicked. But can you manage not knowing what Prime was? It would be terrible for the reader. So make it more clear to the reader on whats going on.


I noticed some other errors, but I'll let you dwell on the above mentioned advice and I'll wait for your next installment.
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Budgie
 
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Post » Sun Feb 20, 2011 11:17 am

Thanks Yttrium, appreciate it.
Now for Chapter 3, I've been contemplating on how to tackle this chapter for a while now.

===============================================

EDIT: Just got rid of Chapter three as it was incomplete and rushed.
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Sarah Evason
 
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Post » Sun Feb 20, 2011 9:34 am

Well there isn't much to talk about since you decided to copout on us. You probably should have took an extra day before posting because this just comes of as lazy. Still waiting for you next however.
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Lucy
 
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Post » Sun Feb 20, 2011 9:40 am

Hmmm...I'm not sure where I want to go with this, nor do I have any motivation to continue this...

I'm thinking of stopping this.
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Jeff Tingler
 
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Post » Sun Feb 20, 2011 3:12 pm

Well, you gotta do what you gotta do, but I'm gonna tell you something someone told be on my own story in these very forums, you'll feel a lot better if you complete what you start...or at least end it properly.
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Lil'.KiiDD
 
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Post » Sun Feb 20, 2011 4:48 am

Antlive is right, pleasing the audience is part of the game, but if you only want to please, your story will be bad. Instead, drive for what pulls from your heart, that's what I do.

I want to see what happens in chapter three. Some people pump out a chapter a day, others might need to think it over and figure out the hows and whys. I worry only a few people read my fanfic, but anytime I see a compliment it boosts my morale. Now you need to pump yourself up and keep on chugging along :)
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Jodie Bardgett
 
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Post » Sun Feb 20, 2011 3:29 pm

Seems intresting, I just hope you write more of it.

:vaultboy:
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Maya Maya
 
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Post » Sun Feb 20, 2011 9:11 am

Guess I'll just take a small break before I start again. I'm not at all sure what to do with the story right now.
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Conor Byrne
 
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Post » Sun Feb 20, 2011 6:15 am

Guess I'll just take a small break before I start again. I'm not at all sure what to do with the story right now.


Take your time then, but try to keep writing, Even if you won't post it.
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Mizz.Jayy
 
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Post » Sun Feb 20, 2011 2:00 am

Guess I'll just take a small break before I start again. I'm not at all sure what to do with the story right now.


I like this so far. Really hope to see you write more and improve along the way. Don't give up! ^_^
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Juanita Hernandez
 
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