Argonian Maids : IV

» Mon Apr 18, 2011 4:44 pm

I have to admit, much like I remember from the days when I used to actually play RPGs, sometimes the humor/innuendo makes my eyebrows spockup. But then it sorta grows on me and I chuckle and see the humor of it . . . as long as I don't take it too seriously.

Maybe there is already an ancient thread on this topic that could be necroed, or at least linked to by one of you Patriarchs.

However, in the interest of immediate gratification, I wanted to start at thread in which we simply showcase our favorite examples of tasteless, controversial, or otherwise eyebrow-tweaking humor in the game. Probably best if we make extensive use of spoiler tags?

So in getting us going, I'll start by quoting from the "The Lusty Argonian Maid"

Spoiler

The Lusty Argonian Maid
by Crassius Curio
A (mercifully short) excerpt from Crassius Curio's bawdy play
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Act IV, Scene III, continued

Lifts-Her-Tail: Certainly not, kind sir! I am here but to clean your chambers.

Crantius Colto: Is that all you have come here for, little one? My chambers?

Lifts-Her-Tail: I have no idea what it is you imply, master. I am but a poor Argonian maid.

Crantius Colto: So you are, my dumpling. And a good one at that. Such strong legs and shapely tail.

Lifts-Her-Tail: You embarrass me, sir!

Crantius Colto: Fear not. You are safe here with me.

Lifts-Her-Tail: I must finish my cleaning, sir. The mistress will have my head if I do not!

Crantius Colto: Cleaning, eh? I have something for you. Here, polish my spear.

Lifts-Her-Tail: But it is huge! It could take me all night!

Crantius Colto: Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time.

END OF ACT IV, SCENE III

» Tue Apr 19, 2011 6:31 am

Spoiler

"Let's go upstairs. We can use my room," Barenziah felt both embarassed and excited by his boldness.

Therris grinned insolently. "Why bother? You want me, don't you? I'll bet you'd pay me, wouldn't you?"

"No," Barenziah said. She did want him, but not that badly.

"No? Well, a bargain's a bargain and Therris keeps his word. But here. Now." He hiked her skirt up and pulled her onto his lap so she sat astride, facing him. He opened her shirt and pulled it down on her shoulders so that her briasts were exposed.

"Nice pair, kid." She was facing the wall but she could feel the stares of the other patrons. A hush had fallen over the place. Even the bard had stilled. She felt both nausea and a hot burning desire. Her hands released his turgid p?nis and then it was inside her and she was screaming in both pain and ecstasy. Then everything went black.

When she came to herself again she was sitting beside Therris, who was buttoning her shirt. "That hurt!" she said indignantly.

"Always does, kid. Didn't anyone ever tell you about Khajiit men? It hurts good though, now doesn't it?" Barenziah scowled at him. She was still smarting. His p?nis had tiny little barbs on it.

Ha.

» Mon Apr 18, 2011 6:30 pm

Spoiler

"Let's go upstairs. We can use my room," Barenziah felt both embarassed and excited by his boldness.

Therris grinned insolently. "Why bother? You want me, don't you? I'll bet you'd pay me, wouldn't you?"

"No," Barenziah said. She did want him, but not that badly.

"No? Well, a bargain's a bargain and Therris keeps his word. But here. Now." He hiked her skirt up and pulled her onto his lap so she sat astride, facing him. He opened her shirt and pulled it down on her shoulders so that her briasts were exposed.

"Nice pair, kid." She was facing the wall but she could feel the stares of the other patrons. A hush had fallen over the place. Even the bard had stilled. She felt both nausea and a hot burning desire. Her hands released his turgid p?nis and then it was inside her and she was screaming in both pain and ecstasy. Then everything went black.

When she came to herself again she was sitting beside Therris, who was buttoning her shirt. "That hurt!" she said indignantly.

"Always does, kid. Didn't anyone ever tell you about Khajiit men? It hurts good though, now doesn't it?" Barenziah scowled at him. She was still smarting. His p?nis had tiny little barbs on it.

Ha.

We need not say more.

» Tue Apr 19, 2011 2:01 am

Is that in the game!? Or a fanfic?

» Mon Apr 18, 2011 11:19 pm

It was in Daggerfall, the Oblivion(And Morrowind) version of the book censored that part.

» Mon Apr 18, 2011 10:24 pm

EEWWWWW!!!

» Tue Apr 19, 2011 2:57 am

I remember thinking the same.

» Tue Apr 19, 2011 8:17 am

Tiny little barbs?? Yikes!!! :shocking:

» Tue Apr 19, 2011 1:20 am

Spoiler

"Let's go upstairs. We can use my room," Barenziah felt both embarassed and excited by his boldness.

Therris grinned insolently. "Why bother? You want me, don't you? I'll bet you'd pay me, wouldn't you?"

"No," Barenziah said. She did want him, but not that badly.

"No? Well, a bargain's a bargain and Therris keeps his word. But here. Now." He hiked her skirt up and pulled her onto his lap so she sat astride, facing him. He opened her shirt and pulled it down on her shoulders so that her briasts were exposed.

"Nice pair, kid." She was facing the wall but she could feel the stares of the other patrons. A hush had fallen over the place. Even the bard had stilled. She felt both nausea and a hot burning desire. Her hands released his turgid p?nis and then it was inside her and she was screaming in both pain and ecstasy. Then everything went black.

When she came to herself again she was sitting beside Therris, who was buttoning her shirt. "That hurt!" she said indignantly.

"Always does, kid. Didn't anyone ever tell you about Khajiit men? It hurts good though, now doesn't it?" Barenziah scowled at him. She was still smarting. His p?nis had tiny little barbs on it.

Ha.

Clearly someone working at Bethesda had a perverted mind, and it is Canon that Khajjit have barbs on their [censored]....
I bet someone at Bethesda has already made a nvde mod for skyrim.

» Mon Apr 18, 2011 6:07 pm

I believe a http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGqIlNo1X6Y could be mentioned.

» Tue Apr 19, 2011 6:57 am

Sadly, I remember that conversation. I was like: ''Did she said that? Did she really said that?'' *reload save* ''.... She really did.''

» Tue Apr 19, 2011 1:47 am

I can see this thread quickly degenerating into something really nasty...

» Mon Apr 18, 2011 10:56 pm

HAHA i have never seen that video before, i hope she doesn't Ildoni if he dies out in cyrodil

Oh and by the way do you think Ildoni Palenix is a good name for an imperial? as they have italian based names.

I also remember the first time i read ''Lusty Argonian Maid'' and i was like, Spear? cleaning his huge spear that could take all night? I SAY !! lol

» Tue Apr 19, 2011 10:23 am

I believe a http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGqIlNo1X6Y could be mentioned.

Classic. I remember saying "Holy S***!" when I first heard her say that.... :rofl:

» Tue Apr 19, 2011 6:25 am

Classic. I remember saying "Holy S***!" when I first heard her say that.... :rofl:

IMO she is the best looking NPC in the whole of game, almost manages to climb out of uncanny valley, and certainly one of the more interesting. :biggrin:

» Mon Apr 18, 2011 11:00 pm

It's not funny, but Eyjal (The maid you hire for the Skingrad house) Does tell how she shared a bed with her previous employer, even though they wern't married.

I must note, she goes on to say that he thought she was only an object for his shop... used and ABUSED.

EDIT - Main??? I mean Maid:P

» Tue Apr 19, 2011 8:30 am

Crassius's other play "The Dance of the three legged guar" is mentioned in Morrowind, but I guess necrophilia is okay but bestiality is not

» Mon Apr 18, 2011 8:53 pm

IMO she is the best looking NPC in the whole of game, almost manages to climb out of uncanny valley, and certainly one of the more interesting. :biggrin:

Agreed on the good looks and being interesting. She's one of my favourite NPCs (along with Janus Hassildor, Vicnente Valtieri, Owyn, and Haskill) and if I actually lived in Cyrodiil I wouldn't mind playing dead for her.

I'm not quite sure she'd be good relatuionship material though. But then again, she does offer the potential for a loving relationship that would last until death ... and beyond.

» Tue Apr 19, 2011 1:07 am

Agreed on the good looks and being interesting. She's one of my favourite NPCs (along with Janus Hassildor, Vicnente Valtieri, Owyn, and Haskill) and if I actually lived in Cyrodiil I wouldn't mind playing dead for her.

I'm not quite sure she'd be good relatuionship material though. But then again, she does offer the potential for a loving relationship that would last until death ... and beyond.

The only problem with this being that if she really liked you, your death might be brought about prematurely for her... errrm... personal enjoyment.

» Mon Apr 18, 2011 11:58 pm

Agreed on the good looks and being interesting. She's one of my favourite NPCs (along with Janus Hassildor, Vicnente Valtieri, Owyn, and Haskill) and if I actually lived in Cyrodiil I wouldn't mind playing dead for her.

I'm not quite sure she'd be good relatuionship material though. But then again, she does offer the potential for a loving relationship that would last until death ... and beyond.

HeeHee! When I was playing my vampire many moons ago, I wanted to ask her if that made me dead enough for her tastes.

» Mon Apr 18, 2011 8:46 pm

Am I the only one who just finds her plain scary?

» Tue Apr 19, 2011 3:46 am

@ Troyatz & Sidonzo

I'd reply, but this is a teen rated forum so I don't feel comfortable continuing this discussion. The moderators are probably already uneasy enough about this thread as is, so I'll just leave it at what I've already posted.

Am I the only one who just finds her plain scary?

Maybe among the people in this thread, but I'm sure that in the general population of everybody who played Oblivion you'll find enough people who share your feelings. But don't worry. As long as you're alive you have nothing to fear from her.

» Tue Apr 19, 2011 7:50 am

Agree that Falanu is a hottie. Bluish-Gray skin, sweaty and heaving would be very cool . . . but I digress . . .

Also agree that I did a serious double-take when I first heard that bit of dialogue. Skingrad is a crazy place: at least two alcoholics, a paranoid delusional, a necrophilie, a wacky elf baker, a balding captain named "Dion," and a Vampire on top of it all.

» Tue Apr 19, 2011 4:17 am

HeeHee! I remember the very first time I read "The Real Barenziah" in the game. Oblivion was my first game, so I had no idea who this Barenziah lady was. I was absolutely enthralled with the story. Consequentially I also read that series with my very first Dunmer character. He was just as enthralled as I was and in fact was pretty much in love with Barenziah for the rest of the game.

» Mon Apr 18, 2011 8:49 pm

I believe a http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGqIlNo1X6Y could be mentioned.

With respect to Falanu, I think everyone should realize that this scene is very likely inspired by Bethesda wanting to poke fun (pun intended) at players who use nvde mods for sixual gratification.

Also, note that other characters stress that Falanu is "odd" and has a strange smell, etc, so characters who may actually be necrophiliacs are not generally welcomed by any means (nor is it legal, technically, or there would not be a fine associated with being found guilty of doing it).