21st Rain's Hand, 4E133

I am Skar-Face, the Argonian Bow-man from the Black Marsh. I have taken my life to save everyone from the Red Mountain on my trip to Vvardenfell, but have failed. As there were Her Hands Indoril guards in the volcano, which I would never have known. They took my to the temple in Vivec, for the new god's approval of me to keep me out of prison. The god took the place of Vivec and is supposedly named, Hrothgrar the Great, some Nordic beast took the place of Vivec, which is bad for Vvardenfell. No one had a choice since the Nerevarine just had to destroy Vivec to get the Guantlet, so he could hold the Ancient Dagger, Keening. Then got the next one from an unknown humanoid... to hold the Ancient Dwarven hammer, Sunder. This is 6, no 700 years after the closing of Oblivion, and I have gotten arrested, and am in the Prison of SkareMore. After the cursed Nord Hrothgrar didn't approve of me, although I knew I had no chance, since he hates all Argonian and the Black Marsh.

It's the 32nd Rain's Hand, 4E133, and my fellow prisoners are throwing loose bricks at the gate door. A Wood Elf shreiked at us from the other side of the hall in a holding cell. "Hahahah!!!" he yelled, we all jumped up scared of his scream, as it sounded as if he was choking. "Who are you, what are you doing there, that cell is off limits!!" I yelled as he turned around towards my cell. "No, actually, your in the cell thats off limits, my friend!! The guards are coming soon to make you suffer. I'd try to get out now, while I had the chance if I were you..." he replied with a voice of laughter.

I ran at the wall, fell down to my knees and started to try to dig. The ground was solid cement, freezing my knees so much they felt like they were burning and about to break apart into thousands of pieces. So I ran at the window, I jumped and the wall exploded. Suddenly, I appeared just outside of my cell, I looked back. The wall was one-hundred percent fine, not a scratch. Finally seeing the outer world after 30 years of prison, made me feel like I was just born, except for the fact that I was 25 years old. Since Argonians age 30 times slower than any other race in our world. As I looked back I heard someone screaming for their life in the prison cell. I looked closely, then it shattered into a thousands of pieces of brick. My Kahjiit cellmate, Purrr-ific, was screaming as he bolted above me, thinking he was going to fall into the molten lava of Oblivion. He was bleeding from the solid shards of broken bricks.

The wall didn't re-create, and we heard the guards coming for us. I dashed into the prison cell, and looked around everywhere in the cell to see if I could find anything else. I immediately stared at the bedroll that the Prison supplies for every prisoner there. I lifted it up, and there was a note. I picked it up and read it to myself, then I showed Purrr-ific the note, and he read it out loud.

"I left this note for whatever prisoner is in this cell next. You may not have found it, but if you did, here is what I have to offer you: First, there is a dagger jammed behind a stone in the wall, just near the head of the bedroll. Second, there is a long stone buy the cell door, it pops out 2 times more than any other stone on the wall. Press it, and a large rectangular stone will slide to the left and fall to the ground, there is a steel longsword in there, take it. The last thing, inside of the pillow is 30 servings of Rat Meat, it's all yours. My name is B-lt--. You can get out of the prison cell be dashing at it, then leaping, and the wall will explode. It will re-create itself when you are outside. It is an enchanted wall, be it shatters when used to much. I got out 20 years ago, and I left out to go on a journey, you'll find me in -k--i-..."

My thoughts were, why is the person's name, and the place where they are scratched out from the note... I ran over to the bedroll, looked above the head of it. I saw the tip of a little ebony dagger, gleaming from the light in the hallway.I tried to pull it out, but it was jammed in so much that I could barely get it out an inch. Then an idea hit me. I bolted over to the long stone on the wall and push it into the wall. Nothing happened. I thought for a second and then pulled on it as hard as I could, and it came out at least 2 inches and started moving over to the left. I fell onto the ground with a slam, and I heard the guards walking faster down the stairs. There it was, a steel longsword. I latched my hand around it and put it through the slot on my pants, blade down. I walked over to the wall where the dagger was, drew my sword, and swung down. The stone came off of the wall, falling with an ebony dagger, and something else... I looked at it for a second and found out it was a chest-holder for the dagger, so I slung it around my shoulder, latched it on, and slipped the gleaming dagger inside.

Slowly walking to the pillow, Purrr-ific yelled at me, "Hey Skar-Face!! There is a paragraph on the back of the note!!" I told him to hold on while I get the Rat Meat. I slipped over to the bedroll and shoved my hand under the pillow and grabbed 15 of the 30 servings of Rat Meat. "What does the note say?" Purrr-ific handed me the note and we both read the back, he read it out loud.

"Skelf Kyeisn Yskdjfg Raskj Iaos Mskooe Idks Slsdko Weorfg Heiro Erod Resdl Elskd Ikd Akdsfjo Mlkdjf

"Skelf Kyeisn Yskdjfg Raskj Iaos Mskooe Idks Slsdko Weorfg Heiro Erod Resdl Elskd Ikd Akdsfjo Mlkdjf, what is that supposed to mean?" I told him I think I know what he was saying.
"Look at the capital letter of every word, and then spell it out then say it..." I told Purrr-ific, as he was reading the note back ot himself for the 15th time. "SKOOMA IS GOOD?" he said with a confused voice. "NOO! Its 'SKYRIM IS WHERE I AM', it says Skyrim is where I am. We've got to go to Skyrim!! Go grab the rest of the Rat Meat, we're leaving before the guards come..." Purrr-ific ran over to the bedroll and grabbed the rest of the Rat Meat. The guards, there was about 20, were at the cell door with their bows drawn, we ran. They stopped at the opening in the wall that led outside. I jumped at the bridge in front of the cell door outside because the guards shot all of their arrows at us at the same time.

I fell right through the bridge, I turned in the air and looked up. I was a hullucination. I fell 100 feet down into a pool of purple water. I tried swimming up but didn't have the strength to. I looked around for Purrr-ific, but he wasn't anywhere to be seen. I kept sinking and when I got to the bottom I was almost out of breath, but I noticed something else. I was swimming among the dead. I was terrified, I ran out of breath, and fell to the sea-ground. I blacked out, and couldn't see anything. Then, I woke up.

Please tell my your full opinion about the story, and tell me if I should go on with the story, this is just the prologue, 1st Chapter: The Breakout, is gonna be next.

Hmm. Int-ere-sting. Wait. Let me back up.

Welcome Dragon!

Back to the story.

I think you need some work with sentence structure. After all a written work is built sentence by sentence, so if the building blocks are flawed. so will be the final project. Let's take a look at some examples of what I mean:



Now let us ask ourselves, what is the focus of this sentence? It is a long sentence and it tries to tell us too much too fast. You could end the sentence at failed and then continue the with rest onto the next sentence. Alternately you could end at "reason" and continued from there. I should also mention that "for some reason" is a relatively weak way to tell a story. "Unfortunately for me, Her Hands Indoril guards awaited in ambush" is probably a stronger and more concrete way of telling us that there were guards in the volcano.

Maybe you think I'm overreacting, after all it's just one sentence. But remember, all those sentences add up, and while a single crack in a stone can go unnoticed, overtime it spreads and leads to the crumbling of the structure. And plus, it's the opening sentence, which is suppose to hook us in, if it is heavily flawed, no one will want to read it.

Moving on:


Slow down and breathe why don't cha? You got to ask yourself, what is the focus of this sentence? I see several main points and the fact that you crammed them all into one sentence just makes it plain confusing.

Speaking of confusing...I have no clue what just happened in the last paragraph.


Remember me telling you up above that "for some reason" is a weak story telling device? Well so is somehow. You can't just write something like that off as "somehow" it's similar to a deus ex machina. When something suddenly happens that helps the character get out of a certain problem. Did he go through the window? Did the window have iron bars that had heavily rusted overtime which allowed him to break through them with ease? Your the author, not me, and the reader has to have some details to go off of.



Wait. Wait a minute. Where did that bedroll come from, you act as if us, the reader, knew that the bedroll was there all along. And I'm guess your still right outside the prison you just escaped from, so...You have a bedroll stocked with food and valuable weaponry that is just laying around the streets? I assume not, but you haven't given us enough details to assume other wise.


Alright. Here, I'll just some up all of what I am trying to say.

Slow down and explain.

Break those lengthy sentences up and gives us detail to those events that leave a lot of explaining for.

If you can do that, then I see no problem with you continuing your adventure.

Thanks for the advice, Yttruim. I was hoping that you would be the one that would give me the advice, I'll edit the Prologue right away!! :bolt:

Yttrium, I have finished re-writing my story, I think its 100% better than before, it has a lot more detail, thanks for the advice and I hope you read it again soon!!

Haha. Your enthusiasm is quite refreshing. And yes, your right, it is 100% better than before. The confusion has been cleared and replaced with new confusion, but this time more with the story itself than the actual writing, which is a good thing. I'll be honest, I don't think I'll ever expect what's coming next in this certain to be epic, carry on my fine scaled friend.

The second part, the first Chapter, will be in the same section of this website, Art and Fan Fiction or whatever it is, I'll try to get it together soon!! :celebration: