Alright, this is the first little bit about the background of my main character, an Argonian Bounty Hunter named Broken-Scale. This thing is describing a confrontation between Broken-Scale and a local Khajiit gang. Please respond and critique this! Here it is:


I stared at the group of Khajiit standing across from Dar Jee and me. They were laughing, making fun of the “slimy lizards”. Their leader, Terran, sneered, his lip curled back to expose the dagger-sharp teeth in his mouth. He flexed his arm, extending his claws, as he yelled derisively, “Hey, pond scum! This is our part of town. What are you doin’ here?”

I responded quietly, but with a tone that could’ve melted steel, “We heard about what you fur-lickers did to Otumeel. You didn’t even have the stones to face him in a fair fight, did you?” I said, allowing myself a small grin at the insult, despit the seriousness of the circumstances.

Terran’s cocky smile vanished. “You … you … slimy … how dare you …” he sputtered, at a loss for words. His gang all stepped forward, snarling and extending their claws.

“Looks like we’re in for a fight,” Dar Jee whispered to me, stepping forward anxiously.

“Wasn’t that the plan?” I responded, not taking my eyes off of the advancing Khajiit.

“Hey, I wasn’t complainin’. You know I’m always in for a good scrap, especially if it's with these stupid Khajiit” he said back with a laugh, raising his fists.

“Then let’s give ‘em one. You keep ‘em off me. I’m goin’ for Terran,” I said, baring my teeth in a vicious smile, preparing for the sweet feel of vengeance.

We charged at the gang, seeing and smiling at the fear in their eyes …

===================================================

It took three guards to get me off Terran. I had fought my way through two of his “lieutenants”, leaving them on the ground, moaning. He had tried to run away, but I was faster than the lazy bastard, so I caught him and leapt on him.

I had punched him over, and over, and over, leaving him bloody and bruised and crying for his mother. Dar Jee had handled himself fairly well against the rest of the cats, but had received a nasty scratch on his back from one of the fur-lickers’ claws. But that “war wound” had earned him the respect of the male Argonians, and the adoration of the girls.

“We showed those fur-lickers real good, didn’t we?” he asked me, as we tipped our glasses of homemade liquor together with our free hands, our other arms being occupied with our women.

“We sure did, buddy,” I said to him, taking a sip of my drink. I then raised my voice to address the rest of the group, “We showed those bastards the NO ONE messes with US and gets away with it!”

The group responded with loud, raucous cheers. I grinned, and then turned my full attention to the girl I was holding. Tonight is gonna be a good night, I thought to myself ...

Wow, that's really good! I like your use of desciptive language, as I would like to hear more of Broken-Scale's childhood.

Thats quite good, Broken-Scale! But, if anything, its a bit short and I found it a little lacking in description, also, just something extremely minor, the Khajiits name isn't Lore-friendly, but thats nothing to worry about! Awesome story!

Yeah, I just wrote what I was thinking of at the time, so I didn't really go into detail. And I got the Khajiit's name from Therran in the Biography of Barienziah (I think that's what it's called), so I thought it would be relatively lore correct.

But thank you! And you, Schmuty Buncis!

Okay, I might be wrong. But I was told to believe that every Khajiit name must have a Prefix and a Suffix (e.g: Dro'Shanji), to reperesent their title.
Well done!

As far as I know, he's the only Khajiit to not follow that pattern. But I like the name better than my other Khajiit names, so whatever.

The story was interesting, you may want to extend the battles and give the character reactions as they fight, internal monologue works best in fanfic rather than Rps. Also, more dialogue and description, such as the girls that adored Dar Jee and Broken-Scale, where they human? Mer? Beastfolk girls?

These things can be improved a little bit more. I for one am a big fan of childhood stories, especially with characters I Rp(ed) with. Keep it up and don't stop. The lack of feeback on these forums can be annoying sometimes, hehe, it makes me lose courage to write..