Good story man, you're rockin' the 'hood.

I'm not throwing these things out here to say that you should change them, but maybe think them over:

From the start you refer to the character as "The Breton", but then when he meets his apprentice you continue on calling him Louis. It's as if you set it up to be a mystery about him, then quickly deflated it without having a reason to switch to calling him Louis. On the matter of his appearance, he might be a more fearful assassin if he dressed like a normal guy. As they said in Goodfellas,

"If you're part of a crew, nobody ever tells you that they're going to kill you, doesn't happen that way. There weren't any arguments or curses like in the movies. See, your murderers come with smiles, they come as your friends, the people who've cared for you all of your life. And they always seem to come at a time that you're at your weakest and most in need of their help."

That quote applies to tension between assassins as well, going back to the sanctuary could be the most dangerous thing an assassin does.

I don't know yet from the letter, but if the city is shut up or going to be shut up, you'd figure the Brotherhood would set up a field headquarters outside so they could continue their work. With a situation this large I'm expecting some kind of response like they had in Fight Club.

"Hi. You're going to call off your rigorous investigation. You're going to publicly state that there is no underground group. Or... these guys are going to take your balls. They're going to send one to the New York Times, one to the LA Times press-release style. Look, the people you are after are the people you depend on. We cook your meals, we haul your trash, we connect your calls, we drive your ambulances. We guard you while you sleep. Do not... [censored] with us. "

Of course, brotherhood style would probably involve ritualistic murders displayed in prominent but hard to reach parts of town. Bring on the horror!

Ah, Shades, you have poked holes in my already thoroughly thought out plot Oh well, I'll consider these things carefully.

You're probably right about the name thing; I actually was planning on something like that, but decided that it was getting repetitive to just call him "the Breton".

I imagined him as wearing normal clothes in the introduction, with a travelling cloak. He is only wearing assassin gear during the mission, because he does not intend to be seen.

As to the city's response to the Brotherhood- I hate to defend my writing, but I simply can't have them leave yet. It ruins the whole story if they left the city now. Let's just say they want to confirm the letter before they do anything, and that is the purpose of Louis' mission(s).

Thanks, Shades

Darn it, I saw you had posted and raced over looking for a fix! I have become addicted to your story!

Ah, sorry I fixed the first chapter already, and am about to start on the second. Thanks, I'm glad you like it


EDIT: As to my tense grammar, I think I am actually telling it in something other than true past tense. I refer to things with "was" and other verbs ending in "-ed", but I am fairly confident that something like this is correct:

“Ready, Lucien?” Louis whispered, pulling his cloth mask down to speak.

Whispered is technically in past tense, but pulling is in present. Yet somehow, I feel that this can still be acceptable in storytelling. Are you guys referring to other things, or am I just crazy? Because I honestly don't know verb agreement very well; believe it or not grammar is my weakest point. We hadn't covered any of this in Literature class, and it is something you rarely see on this forum. I think I'll go ask for assistance

Other than my verb tenses, I think I fixed a few things in the second chapter as well.

[Snip] Added on to the last chapter

EDIT: Changed it completely

EDIT AGAIN: Went back and changed some more stuff, along with the rest of the story.

I couldn't tear my eyes from it till I read the whole, and am dying to see the next chapter! This is so good! You ROCK!

Don't think of these initial comments as petty, but they are nitpicky. I don't think it gets cold in Leyawiin. It seems to be close to a tropical climate and is quite low in elevation. This may inform the next comment; tapestries don't go in hallways. The insulation is to keep the heat from escaping the room, the fireplaces are in the rooms, there's no heating in the hallway. Simple enough to change though, have him hide behind some other appropriate item. An assassin in this day and age should have an oil can with him to make sure the doors open as silently as possible.

Redundant.

The sign language also seems overly complicated and loquacious.
I would make it more like a telegraph. "Stop. There. Eyes on."

For that manner, the private thoughts are sometimes something more like a Greek poet would write rather than something a daring assassin would think.
This could be more of a "I'll get you soon, you bastard."

I'll just throw this out there because there was a scene in Daggerfall with a letter that was similar. In Daggerfall, you take a letter from Helseth to someone else and the game gives you the option of breaking the seal and reading the letter when he told you not to. If you do this, you can instead give the letter to his mother or his enemy, so there's other options. Louis in your story was expected I think to read the letter to confirm he got the right thing, but foregoing that, even if he wasn't supposed to have read the letter before handing it to the listener, he should have read the letter. The seal was already broken and you've gotta stay one step ahead in this business.

It felt to me like Lucien at the end of this section should have been embarrassed about his poor performance on the mission. He took the slapstick way out of the building when he's trying to hold down a serious job, and he somewhat compromised the mission. I could see Louis having a chuckle at it later.

Being melodramatic is when you have over-exaggerated emotions, like wailing in tears when you don't win at bingo.

Also, I don't have the balls to get snatchy at things my boss is holding. And my boss is a really nice guy. You put Louis in front of one of the best assassins on the continent, and he acts like a toddler at wal-mart. Gimmie!

He knew the job and asked anyway. Ehh, I'd let the reader guess what he had to do. There aren't too many ways of finding more letters.

Love the story so far, and all the things I brought up were pretty minor. Keep rolling them out and we'll keep reading them.

I picked you up on this matter last time: do not use a full stop when you're going to use a dialogue tag; use a comma. It may seem minor, but if you want to be an even better writer then you've got to make sure your punctuation is near perfect (if not completely). Microsoft Word won't help you with things like this, so you'll have to rely on checking over and over again. I'm sure you do, but I guess you have to be a little more thorough.

Also, as Shades mentioned, I am a bit iffy with this Louis character. Sure, he's a Speaker, but I can't see anyone in the Dark Brotherhood acting like that to the Listener - it was as if he was taking control of the Argonian; trying to demand something from him. I suppose you should have just had Louis say ''yes master'' (or something along those lines) and then describe how he grit his teeth and tensed up a little (showing his frustration). I personally think you should make him a little more believable. However, I guess it is simply a matter of opinion.

Anyway, those details aside... superb chapter! Even though the dialogue between the Listener and Speaker wasn't witty or anything (of course, I wouldn't expect it to be), it was pretty realistic (Louis getting angry aside) and interesting to read. The descriptions were good and you did a superb job of showing instead of telling.

I enjoyed the last chapter very much, and I'm sure it'll continue! Thanks.

I see... I never thought factual information would hurt my story :blink: But I'll get right on that. I have a lot of editing to do

So: get rid of the chilly part, change the tapestry to something else, make the signing less fancy, make the thoughts more believable, change Lucien's response, change the ending of the third post, make the interaction with the Listener more professional, get rid of that question, and generally get a better feel for Louis. I do have a problem with making my characters consistent and realistic. I don't get much of a good idea about who they are until half way into the story

I am hesitant to have Louis read the letter, however, but I'll consider it. It would let me change the next chapter much easier, though I would have to completely re-write it.

Thanks you two, I'll probably be completely re-doing that last chapter, and heavily editing the other. I'm glad to finally have some good criticism


EDIT: After some consideration, I'll probably add a little bit to the end of the second chapter. Namely, the two walking home and talking about the mission, including reading the letter. Then I'll completely redo the third chapter and make it all more believable. Thanks again

Aye, but you're doing a great job here, Darkom. Good that you take criticism well, and since you haven't got much of it in your past stories, I imagine this is quite refreshing.

Anyway, I don't think it's totally necessary to edit it again, but instead take in comments and put them to use in the next chapter. However, if you don't mind the editing, then obviously you're more than free to do so, and it's likely recommended: it'll be a better read for those who join late.

Indeed, I simply can't leave those chapters like that now that I see how terrible they are I'll definitely be spending a few hours today on MS Word (good thing it's a Sunday).

I've planned how I'm going to edit my story and add in a bit more. Hopefully this next time will be better

EDIT: So, wait a few hours and then look at my previous post. It should be edited by then

In The Three Musketeers by Dumas, a major plot point is the group gaining information by listening through a stove pipe to the next room. Stove pipes like that hadn't been invented yet for the setting they were in. It happens. :foodndrink:

I don't think there should be a comma there Chriso. Having it inside the parenthesis(sp?) represents it as a complete statement. You'd only add a comma if there were a break in the sentence.

For instance:

"I can't wait to graduate from college." Tom said.

Compared to:

"I thought," he said, pausing to smile, "that all apples were red."

I may be wrong but I feel strongly about this opinion. Maybe I'm strongly incorrect. haha

Don't put yourself down. In no way shape or form was it a terrible chapter, there were just a few minor mistakes. But I do look forward to the edit.



Nah, I am pretty sure there is always a comma for dialogue tags no matter when. Just look at some books and you'll see.

True, but professional writers have often violated the grammatically correct rules more than once to achieve a certain reaction from their readers. You may be correct. All the same, good read.

Dialogue punctuation aside, I have finished editing the second chapter. I'll get to the third later today, but in the meantime feel free to take a look at the second.

Please note that I have changed the tapestry to a statue, the signing is much shorter, many of the thoughts have been changed, and there is a little bit afterwards where Louis and Lucien try to read the letter.

Also, I have changed the story to take place in Bravil, both to make the colder weather make sense and to put the Listener next to the Lucky Old Lady statue (which will play an important role later )


EDIT: Finished the third I never did like having Louis get so upset, thanks for forcing me to realize my first instinct isn't always right

Very good. I'll get reading.

Chapter Three: Sons and Secrets


Lucien sighed loudly, jaded and disgruntled. He slumped against the castle wall, the commoner's clothes itchy against his pale Imperial skin. He looked up towards the picturesque blue that was the sky, frowning at his most recent mission, 'Watch duty? Really? Master must really be upset over last time if he's sticking me with watch duty?'

His dismal thoughts were interrupted by a patrolling guard, his uniform shining in the afternoon sun as he walked the East battlement. Lucien followed him intently with watchful eyes, checking for any sign of trouble that would warrant him signaling the alert Louis. As the guard passed into one of the many towers that lined the entrance garden, Lucien decided all was fine and returned to his beggar fa?ade, watching the grass absentmindedly.

The Imperial youth waited for what seemed like hours, monotony broken only by the occasional guard or nobleman strolling through the square. None looked at Lucien twice, their dismissive glances the same as they would be for any other downtrodden citizen in Bravil. After one particularly snobbish aristocrat strode past, Lucien felt close to crying out for boredom.

'This is pointless! No one is going to catch Master, there are so many more useful things I could be doing right now! Like? poisoning the wine, or, uh? finding Sadon! Master never mentioned his body, perhaps they are trying to find the sanctuary with it. Who knows what magic can do, after all.'

Lucien hopped up from his post, getting to his feet rather nimbly for someone sitting still for so long. He rubbed his sore legs, stretching in the way his master had taught him, all the while thinking of his plan, 'So, where would they keep him? They wouldn't want his body stinking up the castle, so the only logical place would be the cellar. Were there any rooms like that on the map?'

He had no other disguise, and as trying to walk in the front door dressed as a beggar would inevitably cause problems, Lucien decided to sneak into one of the smaller entrances that surrounded the garden. After a few moments of hesitation, he made for the door he decided was most likely to lead to the lower levels of the castle.

'Master will have to forgive me if I take away one of the enemies' weapons against us. Surely he won't mind me leaving my post for a while?'


Louis threw another pile of papers down in disgust, the parchments scattering on the Count's previously tidy desk. 'Nothing! Not a single note about the guild, and not even a trace of a gray letter!'

The Breton resumed his search, ignoring the desk to check under the large bed, inside the dresser filled with extravagant clothing, and even underneath the potted flora that adorned the room. Just when he was ready to give up, a rap on the door sent chills down his spine.

'No?'

"Sir? May I come in?" A woman's muffled voice called from the other side of the heavy oaken door. Louis dismissed the idea of imitating the Count's voice, choosing instead to throw himself underneath the carved desk, hoping the woman would not investigate further.

"Sir?" Louis heard the door open slowly, the woman's timid voice calling out once more for the absent Count.

"Humph, I wonder where he could be? Oh well, I see he left his desk a mess again. Honestly, sometimes I think he does it just to annoy me."

Louis ignored the voice, trying his hardest to still his own breathing. The maid's voice was replaced by the sharp tap of her shoes, growing ever closer to Louis' hiding place. He remained perfectly still, praying the maid would not remove the large chair that covered him underneath the Count's furniture.

Suddenly, Louis was thrown into semi-darkness, the exit of his alcove obscured by the lower half of a brown dress. The thick wood muffled the sound of papers being shuffled and rearranged, Louis did everything he could to prevent panicking. He did the last thing he knew to do in situations like these, sit completely still and silently plead not to be detected.


Lucien froze at the figure before him. The child stood with his hands on his hips, his bright clothing contrasting with the dull brown and gray of the pantries and walls behind him. Lucien's legs tried to run, but his training told him to try diplomacy first. His mind raced with excuses, each sounding less plausible than the last. He was saved from having to choose between them when the boy in front of him took the initiative.

"What are you doing in my father's castle, beggar?" The youth seemed harmless enough, but his snooty tone and high pitched words confirmed Lucien's suspicions.

"Um, I was just trying to-"

"Trying to steal my food, no doubt!" The Imperial child interrupted, "Well, the guards will take care of you." The brown haired boy said menacingly.

'He's hardly out of his diapers and he's this spoiled!'

"Wait!" Lucien exclaimed, holding his hands up to stop the boy, "Don't call the guards, please."

"Humph," the child looked down at Lucien- which was impressive since Lucien was a good two feet taller than he was, "You beggars are all alike, no spines at all. I guess I won't call the guards, for now. But only if you do something for me."

After a moment's hesitation, Lucien agreed, "Alright, what is it?"

'How bad can it be?'

"I want you to bring me a sword." The boy said confidently.

"A sword?"

"The real kind, like the guards have. Father won't let me have one yet, but I want one now! Go get me one!" The boy stomped his foot and twisted his small face into little angry expressions. If it wasn't a sure way to get himself killed, Lucien might have laughed right in the child's face.

"All right, all right, I'll go get you a sword. Just wait here." Lucien said, getting ready to make his escape.

"No, you're going to run off like the other ones. I'm coming with you."

"Um? I probably won't be able to get you one unless I can go around unnoticed. And having the Count's son would definitely draw attention, so it might be better if you just-"

"No, no, no, no! I'm coming with you, and that's that! Now let's go!" The child was close to screaming now, and Lucien was certain any moment a passing guard would come running down the nearby steps.

"Okay, just please don't shout." Lucien said in a half whisper, "I can't be seen down here."

"That's more like it." The Count's son smiled devilishly, pleased at the normal routine of getting his own way, "Now let's go, there's an armory next to the guard's quarters outside."

'Outside; I can make a break for it. But what if the kid shouts and Master is still working? The guards would come down to see what the commotion is, but Louis should be able to sneak out. Probably?'

"Alright." Lucien said, feigning submission.

"Good." The boy took Lucien's hand and forcefully led him back the way he had come, past the wine racks and up the small set of stairs towards the door. The child pushed through the door, leaving it wide open behind him without a glance back.

The courtyard was thankfully empty, but the child continued on his short legged pace through the central lawn towards the guard tower. Lucien looked around quickly, checking to make sure the gates were free and there were no patrolling guards, and then finally bringing his attention back to the boy still pulling him along.

Then, without warning, Lucien tore free of the chubby fingers and sprinted towards the gates. The child cried out behind him, mixing calls for help in between shrill wails. As Lucien flew over the stone bridge that connected the castle to the city, all he could think of was how big of a brat the child was.

'He'll probably be just as much trouble when he's older.' Lucien thought, reaching the relative safety of the new rendezvous point behind one of the many dilapidated shacks that filled the city. A baritone blast of a horn sounded from the castle as he sunk against the wall, resuming his beggar disguise until his master returned.


Louis didn't move an inch until he heard the door click as the maid left. He let out a long overdue breath, pushing the chair back as he stretched out. He smiled to himself over another catastrophe averted, turning the grin into a look of curiosity as he noticed something on the underside of the desk.

'Is that? it is!' He reached up and pushed on the cut out block in the desk, raising the secret compartment up out of its hiding place. He lowered the hidden box back down, and found it was full to bursting with envelopes and letters, some of which were the same gray-green of the coded message.

'Yes!' Louis sifted through the papers; finding the same scratched out purple seal on almost all the documents. The assassin tucked as many as he could fit into his inner shirt pocket, still leaving the drawer more or less full so as to avoid the Count's suspicion. He slinked out from under the desk, confident of another mission well done.

Before he could finish gloating to himself over the victory, a deep note sounded from somewhere else in the castle. Louis jumped to attention, thinking himself discovered, until the truth of the matter dawned on him, 'Not again!'

The Breton dashed out of the room, determined to find the cause for the alarm. The hallway before him was empty, but he heard distressed voices calling from the next hall down. He stopped his breakneck pace before turning the corner, berating himself for almost making a grievous error, 'You can't just run and find him! No matter how much danger he's in, you can't compromise the mission!'

He stopped in the center of the corridor, beside the very same statue that had served him so well the previous night, and debated over a plan of action, 'Can't go that way, but it's the only way towards where Lucien is supposed to be; can't get to Lucien. I'll have to trust him. Damn it all, I'm useless here! Have to get out!'

Furious at himself, Louis found a nearby window and carefully lowered himself onto the outside sill. The window faced away from the city, and by the scenery Louis guessed it was the North-East end. Below him was a sheer drop to the shore some four or more stories below.

'Can't go that way.' Louis thought, his self directed rage increasing over the novice's mistake.

He quickly jumped back into the room, darted into the hall, and ran the castle map through his mind once more, 'If that was the East, then the end of the hall here should be?'

The Breton burst into another room, scanning the empty bedchamber for the window that had to be there. 'Yes! Now, this should lead right onto the battlements!'

Louis threw the heavy window curtain aside, and then hopped onto the thin sill. He sat there, crouched like a tomcat, for the briefest of moments to confirm his thoughts. Less than ten feet in front of him was the tiled roof of one of the castle towers. The assassin took a deep breath, and then pushed himself off the stone with one powerful motion. He flew through the air, fully extending his arms while bringing his legs in front of him. He hung in the air for a moment, the wind threatening to send him careening over the edge.

He landed heavily, on the balls of his feet, crushing several tiles underneath him. He wasted no time moving across the roof, staying in a crouch to preserve his balance. He reached the other side of the tower, estimating how long of a drop it was onto the wall beneath him.

Louis once again lowered himself into a crouch, and then propelled himself off the roof and onto the narrow battlement below. He stole a quick glance into the courtyard, seeing a host of guards all circled around? something, Louis couldn't tell what. His curiosity was soon overpowered by his adrenalin fueled escape, and he continued along the battlement until he reached the wall facing the city.

Louis paused for a moment, looking over the city he had called his own since his most recent promotion four years ago. The twinkling lights and cozy looking chimneys reminded the Breton of his childhood home, so far away now. He took a deep breath, savoring the moment, and then made the final leap onto one of the two stone structures that connected the walls of the city, landing on the lower roof with a calm ease, his panic forgotten.

From there, the Breton descended into the city via a large tree growing close the walls, and then made his way through the streets towards the pre-designated house. To his relief, he found a ratty beggar child there looking up at him with a mix of embarrassment and humor. The familiar face turned completely to joy when Louis pulled down his mask, revealing his own wide smile.

"I'm guessing that was you." Louis said, stoic as he could.

"And I trust you accomplished the mission without a problem." Lucien said light heartedly. Nothing could beat the feeling of getting away scot free from a dangerous situation, and even though he knew he had failed, the teenager couldn't help but feel relieved right now.

"There's a hidden compartment underneath the Count's desk." Louis said, patting his shirt pocket, "But when we get back we are going to have a serious talk about your recent escapades." Louis looked at him sternly, but his apprentice just kept smiling.

Lucien's only response was a carefree laugh, echoing ever so softly through the darkening streets. Louis gave him a stern look, but Lucien could see past his master's eyes, and answered the stare with a wide grin. Louis shook his head, smiling ever so slightly.

It is my favorite chapter so far!

Indeed...This chapter is superb.

I like the writing, but...

well, the Assassin-craft had, I think, more than a few flaws with it.

HOWEVER...

I will not post on that, unless the OP invites me to. Because this is fiction - writers are free to depict their characters, including their assassins, in any way they like. And who said that Assassins in fiction have to be as realistic as Assassins and spies in real life? You can choose real life versimiltude, or not. Ultimately the reader will judge whether it's entertaining or not.

Thanks for the compliments guys

And I welcome any kind of criticism (I understand my little message at the end was a little weird, it was getting late), so sorry if I put you off there. Please do tell me if my assassin craft was incorrect But please remember that they are both human, and make mistakes. Lucien is learning, and Louis was worried about his surrogate son at the end there.

Very well. Regarding rooms, and searches or murders withing...

From 'The way of the Assassin' by Damien 'Foxy' Reynard:

" When the Assassin has to do business within a room which needs to be free from sudden interruption and discovery, he shall secure the room. The assassin's tool in doing thus is simplicity itself: it is a thin piece of hardwood, triangular in shape, that he wedges quitely under the door as soon as he enters a room. If the intent is to come and go unseen, only one piece is used: if the intent is to secure the door for a considerable amount of time and discovery of the assassin's coming and going is of no consequence, several wedges shall be used.

The single wedge will make the door stick, but not long enough to cause suspicion. It will gain enough time for the assassin to hide or escape, the places for doing so which the assassin will have lined up beforehand immediately on entering the room.

Should the Assassin need to do business in the room that must involve noise or other consequences that will cause discovery, several wedges on top, on the side, and below shall be used to jam the door almost as tight as if it were locked. For this the Assassin shall use the cloth-covered, silent wooden hammer to jam the wedges in.

If the assassin should hide in the room he shall have a weapon capable of an instant kill or unconciousness ready at hand, for it is an axiom that all hiding places have the potential for discovery..."

:blink: Wow, I've never heard of that before! A very interesting bit of information, but I'm afraid I must decide against including it now. I don't really mind missing details in the interest of plot information and characterization. Thank you very much for the advice, and I'll be sure to use it in the future, but unless it has other purposes I think it would be best to leave it out. It might alienate the readers to include such a technical thing.

I really appreciate the help, but I don't think it would be in my best interest. However, if you had any advice regarding the rest of the story I would love to hear them. Some stories are made better by such minute details, but I'm not sure if I could use them in a way that works. My fault, not yours, so thanks anyway :goodjob:

It's a well written chapter, but something was sticking in my mind the whole time. Lucien doesn't even try to do his job, and not only is Louis unangry, but he's pleased? He's like the Mr. Rogers of homicide.

On the part about wedging the doors; He could wedge the door, but I don't think he likely would. He's got Lucien outside, and little reason at the time to assume Lucien was going to fail hardcoe. The wedge trick wouldn't even work if the door swings out.

For the story, I would say that considering the looming threat, the brotherhood is moving like molasses on the issue. There needs to be killing...