I love this story. It is pretty amazing, though I have but one small quibble. That is when you first started off writing the Argonian listener's dialogue, his words were spoken in a somewhat nomadic style, like english isn't his primary language, but he knows enough to get by. But, in this last chapter you started off with him speaking like that, but then rapidly added in more dialogue, had his sentences a little more complete, and seemed to overall add to his total vocabulary. As I said, it is a small complaint I have with it. That, and yet a smaller one that has already been brought up, which is to say your lack of commas at the end of dialogue.

It should be: "I don't understand, Master," Louis said.

Not: "I don't understand, Master." Louis said. <-- Hint, the period prior to the ending quotation. I believe you're safe with exclamation points and question mark, but never periods.

If you absolute want to have a period there, then the sentence should be structured as such: "I don't understand, Master." Louis was so confused by that he... <-- You see?

But don't let my criticism get you down. I love it regardless, but as someone else said, it does take away from the overall immersion, though it is but a minor thing.

Thank you, my friend I get what you're saying with the Listener's dialogue; it was much easier when he was only speaking a little bit, but when I actually needed him to divulge information it didn't work out as well :shrug: I tried my best, I spent at least two minutes on every thing he said.

Thanks for the advice about the commas, I'll see what I can do in the future (and I might edit them out in the future).


Oh, and by the way, to all of you who have given me advice as of late: I am not ignoring your advice by not editing my chapters, I simply do not have the time to fully devote myself to editing during the week. I know that I hate it when people don't seem to heed my advice, and just wanted to be clear that it is my fault, I'm pressed for time. Thanks again, everyone


EDIT: Malx... :nope: I don't post a new chapter every time I respond to critique I should be able to write some more tomorrow, or tonight if I have time. It's going to be a long chapter, so it might take me as long as two or three hours to write.

Argh! Tricked again! I realize you are busy, though. ( ) Ok, I waited - when will the next chapter come out? Lol - kidding, but anxious.

Malx, this is not a new chapter, and I am sorry I did not have the time over the weekend, and I only had time for editing tonight. Perhaps tomorrow? Meanwhile, you can re-read the last chapter, I added in quite a bit, and changed the stuff you guys said needed to be changed. Thanks to everyone who gave me the advice, all of it was taken into careful consideration. I've said this before, the next chapter is a doozy, so don't be surprise if it comes out in parts or not until the weekend. Thanks again to everyone who's reading, and don't be afraid to drop a comment (even a good job would suffice. Though I'd still accept "I hate it" so long as you tell me why )



EDIT: Thank you, Wednesday, for taking the time to read my story Though you caught it at a bad time, I was editing whilst you were reading. Like I said, expect another chapter soon.

Oh, how rude of me, I don't believe we've met. I'm Darkom, self proclaimed half decent writer, critic, and RPer. I would get into some personal information to better introduce myself, but the clock is running long and I must be getting to bed :snoring:

I love it well done.

I need to study how you do the tags on the dialogue - mine are flat, yours are indescernable and don't disrupt the flow of the story at all! (in fact, they enhance it).

Thanks Malx, I appreciate the compliment While this mini-chapter doesn't have much dialogue, I tried to fill it with enough description as I could without compromising the pace. I leave you with a cliff hanger until the weekend


Chapter Five: Blood and Smoke


Silence dominated the courtyard of Castle Bravil, the silvery moonlight streaming between the towers and battlements onto the two lone figures crouched beside the cold walls. Lucien was once more in commoner's clothing, a ratty and stained outfit that disguised him as a common vagabond. Louis' had donned his loose fitting suit, black as the night sky, and filled to capacity with various tricks and tools of the assassin trade.

The taller of the two figures spoke in a low whisper, his voice taught with the seriousness of the mission, "You know the plan, give the signal if anything goes wrong."

Lucien shook his head slowly, his mind free from the distractions of the day, completely focused on the task at hand. He watched with cold eyes as his master scaled the tree beside him with silent speed, his clenched fists relaxing as the Breton sprang lightly into the window.

Lucien turned to survey the square before him, clearly recalling the incident that had happened here the day before. His eyes grew somber for a moment at his past mistakes, and then focused once more as he reminded himself to stay focused, 'Nothing is more important than the now.' His master's voice called from the depths of his memory, always preaching the assassin's ideals to him from the time he was an infant.

A sudden scene from his childhood threatened to distract Lucien, but he brushed the image of a derelict chapel from his mind as easily as one would a spider's crystal web. He instead drew his attention to the multitude of windows that lined the castle walls, each dark behind their heavy cloth hangings. 'Strange, not a single person seems to be up. It might be late, but still.'

Lucien's eyes narrowed, his gut told him something was very wrong here. He could not recall a single time his instincts had been wrong, as a matter of fact he took great pride on this. 'Master, please be careful?'


Louis remained crouched behind a large urn for several moments, listening intently for signs of life. The hallway connecting the main castle to the guard tower had no adjoining rooms to watch out for, but if he was caught here, of all places, there would be little chance of escape. He cautiously extinguished a nearby candle as he resumed moving down the long corridor, a trick he had used to great success many times before, and one he was not about to stop now, if the pitch black that swallowed the space behind him was any indication.

According to his meticulously studied map, the top level of the guard tower had nothing but the bunks of now sleeping guards. The door before him opened into that room, a circular dormitory filled with men trained for the sole purpose of killing the likes of him. He felt a twinge of fear, but quickly fought past the emotion, relying on his confidence in his skill to keep him calm.

He listened at the door for what seemed like an eternity before finally deciding that if anyone were inside, none gave even the softest snore. He cracked open the heavy door, wincing at the alarmingly loud squeak that emanated from the rusting hinges. Apparently the Count's door was in a better state of repair than the surrounding towers.

Inside Louis found the barracks to be completely emptied of inhabitants, all the blankets and sheets still neat on their beds. The candles on the walls were unlit, and the only other exit, a large trapdoor, was wide open. Every fiber of Louis' being wanted to flee as fast as he could to the sanctuary, but the rational part of his mind told him to look around, if only for a moment more. The Breton assassin crept past the empty beds, around the barren tables, and towards the ladder leading to the next story down.

Louis set himself down flat on his stomach, his loose brown hair falling past his ears as he snaked his head through the trapdoor. The room below, what appeared to be the training room, was similarly devoid of life. The combat dummies stacked neatly against one wall, the other equipment against another: a combination of iron weights, wooden swords, and padded gloves. Louis dropped the dozen feet into the room, turning over in midair to land heavily on his feet. The slight pain in his knees was compensated by the giddy feeling of accomplishment Louis got whenever he performed such a maneuver. He quickly collected his thoughts, chastising himself for such a rookie bravado move, and moved hastily to the trapdoor on the opposite side of the room.

'I've got a bad feeling about this,' Louis thought, his worry increasing with every soundless step, 'where is everyone?'

The ground floor of the guard tower held the castle armory, a well stocked room filled with swords and cuirasses. Louis surveyed the floor below in a similar fashion to his previous method, but this time his blue eyes went wide with shock at the scene before him. His mind lost all rational thought, abandoning him to his instincts and his greatest fear: the sanctuary was in danger.


Lucien leaned his head back against the stone walls surrounding the Castle courtyard, looking up at the starry sky through the square window of the battlements and towers. He traced the constellations with his eyes, picking each out from the surrounding pin pricks of light. His pale face creased into a frown, he knew the supposed talents and abilities each sign gave those who were born under them, but he could not place his own. He thought back to his earliest memory, the compassionate face of Louis looking down at him in the abandoned chapel he had apparently been living in.

His master had found him as a child, a toddler barely able to feed himself in the depilated remains of the holy building. Louis once told him he had found the bodies of the priests in the church's basemant, but he could not determine the cause of death. It was obvious by the clothing Louis had found him in the priests had taken Lucien in, but why he was there remained a mystery to the young assassin.

Lucien had cried so many tears at the thought that he himself had caused the kind priests' deaths that the thought now only brought a far off brooding look to his usually eager features. He closed his dark brown eyes, trying to sift through the tangled web of his mind for any kind of clues, a fragmented vision locked away in his subconscious.

Just as Lucien thought he had it, loud footsteps sounded out from across the square, flying towards him at a breakneck speed.

The young apprentice opened his eyes wide in shock, what appeared to be his master running towards him at top speed. The black clothed figure's mask was torn from his face, the Breton man sprinting towards his prot?g?. Louis called out to Lucien, a thing so remarkably against Lucien's training he could hardly recognize the words, "Run to the sanctuary!"

Lucien leaped to his feet, immediately beginning to move towards his master, his voice struggling with the reply, "Ma-master? What's going on!"

The assassin stopped right before Lucien, his voice filled with deep concern, his eyes wide with fear, "No time, come with me!"

Lucien nodded an affirmative, taking off after Louis down the moonlit bridge connecting the castle to the city, the lapping of waves audible between footsteps.

The pair made their way through the city as fast as possible, the buildings so familiar to Lucien rushing by one after another. Thoughts and ideas rushed through Lucien's head so quickly he didn't have time to recognize them, the whole thing felt like a bad dream.

After what seemed like hours, Louis stopped in front of the building hiding the sanctuary. He paused for a moment, looking over the old house, his panic intensified by the thin plume of smoke rising from behind the house. The Breton darted around to the side of the run down shack, to the entrance of the sanctuary. Lucien almost ran into him as he stopped, stock still, and looking straight ahead.

Lucien quickly moved around him to view for himself what had his master so disquieted, and he too stood shocked to silence by the sight. The two doors that hid the stairway leading to the sanctuary were torn off their hinges, the smoke Lucien had seen earlier trickling out. After a long moment, the Breton jumped over the splintered doorframe, landing on the stone steps that led down to the home of the Brotherhood.

He leaped down the steps three at a time, the usually dark corridor made red by the flickering light of fire down below. The black smoke stung at his eyes, but Louis rushed on, not heeding the heavy fumes.

The Breton reached the empty doorframe of the sanctuary, the heavy wooden door thrown into the main atrium. He rushed into the smoke filled room, his eyes covering the whole of the room in seconds, searching for the cause of the destruction.

The normally peaceful room felt alien to Louis, the elegant tables smashed and burning where they once proudly stood, piles of books turning to ash before his eyes. Limp bodies were scattered around the room, black robed assassins and mailed guards alike staining the heavy rugs with bright blood.

Louis looked from door to door, not knowing where to go. Were any of his Brothers left alive? Or were they still battling the guards, desperately waiting for his help? What was the main priority, what could he save from this disaster?

He wanted to fall to his knees and call to anything left alive in the sanctuary, but the threat of the guards kept his silence. He turned to his apprentice, a rough plan forming in what cognitive parts of his mind not blocked by adrenalin.

"Go to the training room, if any survived the first blow they would go there. Meet me here, and Lucien," the Breton's eyes lost some of their edge, and his voice grew softer, "be careful."

Lucien nodded once, then immediately dashed towards one of the nearby doors, still hanging open on its black hinges. Louis took off in the other direction, running through another open door, the dark brown wood dripping with an ominous bloodstain.


Lucien tore through the hallways as fast as he could, his cold eyes absorbing the terror before him, his trained mind blocking all emotions but anger. Through a red haze he made his way past torn paintings, small sculptures broken into pieces, splintered tables, and the pale faces of his dead companions and enemies.

The only noise in the hall was the slow crackling of fire, smoke pouring out of every room he passed, the only motion were the flickering tongues of bright red flames. The battle seemed to be over, but who had won?

At last Lucien reached the broken doors of the training room, stopping suddenly as the eerie silence is broken by two soft voices. Lucien strains desperately to hear them, to know whether he has found survivors of his own kind, or what remained of the brutal force that had torn his home away from him.

"What was that?" One voice asked.

"I-I don't know. Do you think there are more of them? Or is it the captain coming back from his report?" Another voice, shaking despite its deep baritone, replied.

"It only sounded like one set of footsteps; we can handle one of them."

Lucien tensed, his eyes desperately searching for something with which to arm himself, while his mind wrestled with the conversation, trying to determine if it was a pair of frightened apprentices that survived the slaughter, or two guards trying to avoid any more lethal shadows.

His frantic hands found a decorative short sword, an unlikely survivor of the wanton destruction that had obliterated the rest of the sanctuary. Just as his numb fingers wrapped around the padded hilt, the two voice's footsteps echoed from around the doorway. Lucien pressed himself against the wall, hiding in a darkened alcove, lying in ambush if the need arose. His breathing came in heavy gasps, and he blinked away tears as he tried to calm himself. The footsteps came closer, then seemed to stop, a maddening moment which every part of Lucien wished to jump out from his hiding place.

Lucien relaxed his muscles as best he could, his grip tightening on the steel sword in his hands. The footsteps began once more, now the pair could not be further than three steps from the boy's crevice.

"Where'd he go?"


Louis threw the black iron door open, the room beyond filling with light as the Breton flew inside the room. At the center of the molded floor, atop a table broken in two, lay an Argonian, his shirtless torso stained with blood.

Around the room, beyond the beam of red yellow light, lay more cadavers, all dressed in bloodstained mail, some still clutching gleaming swords. Louis leaped over one such body, rushing towards his fallen friend.

"Louissss?" The soft hiss brought tears to Louis' blue eyes, his face framed by strands of mahogany. The Breton knelt by the Listener's side, his hands tracing the fresh wounds.

"Save your strength, I've got you." Louis quickly tore the lower half of his sleeve from the rest of his jet black shirt, ripping the fabric into strips for bandages. His eyes searched frantically over the scaly chest in the dim light, not knowing which gash to wrap first.

"No, Louis, must know. You are last, the one. You are Listener now." The lizard's words came out in soft hisses, his mouth barely moving as he spoke. His eyes were filled with what could have been pain, or fear, both of which Louis had never seen grace those cold red pits.

"No, you're still the Listener, and we're going to get the bastards that did this." Louis' voice rose, brimming with anger, until he was almost shouting. His words nearly broke into sobs at the end, but he set himself quickly, and went back to dressing the Argonian's wounds. A deep cut on his muscular stomach bled profusely, the cut seemed to go all the way through. A death blow, for certain.

"Louis, go to the statue, say these words," He motioned with a shaking hand for Louis to come closer. With tears brimming in his eyes, the Breton took the slithery hand, and bent low to hear the ritual, burning the whispered hisses into the deepest recesses of his mind, "Mother of darkness, lady of Chaos, your children await. Speak your names, and the blade shall fall. Your servant, your child."

A consuming silence followed the Listener's soft words, Louis' face ready to break into sobs. The Argonian's hand fell from Louis grip, lifeless against the cold stone. The nameless assassin's eyes lost focus, glazing over with a remorseful, cold stare. Louis' tears, held in for so long, fell in thick streams down his pale face. His cries were blocked in his constricted throat, and with a heavy hand closed the still eyes.

He sat there, oblivious to the ruin within the sanctuary behind him, not caring to undertake a search for other survivors, forgetting his beloved apprentice in his grief. The Argonian's last words played in and out of his mind, a low whisper amongst his consciousness, 'Mother of darkness, lady of Chaos, your children await. Speak your names, and the blade shall fall. Your servant, your child.'




Lucien drove the blade into the guard's exposed back, the force of his jump driving the short blade in to the hilt. The guard fell forward, Lucien standing in his place, his dark eyes ablaze. The man gave a wet cough, blood immediately flowing into a growing puddle beneath his body, his heart slowing with every beat, forcing its own blood out of him. The Imperial's companion turned towards the young assassin, shock quickly replaced with a determined look of anger knotting his heavy brow.

The guard stood, sword at the ready, facing Lucien with bloodstained steel reflected in his eyes. Lucien was no less fierce, his hands up in front of him, fully ready to kill once more. The soldier gave a practiced lunge, stabbing the air where Lucien had been moments before. His mind had time to form his features back into a look of surprise before the young man clamped down on the Imperial's wrist in an iron grip. Lucien's other hand shot upward, aimed straight for the guard's elbow. The brittle crack of bones was followed swiftly by a loud cry, and the clanging of metal on the stone floor.

Lucien wasted no time celebrating his victory, darting back around the man, ready to strike out again, his speed driven by the flames of rage. The man tried to turn and face his young opponent, but he could not hope to compare with reflexes born from years of hard practice. Lucien's fist exploded into the man's exposed spine, not enough to break bones, but enough to cause the man to cry out once more in pain. Lucien's other hand darted out, a blur in the flickering torchlight, wrapping around the Imperial's throat, clinching down in a deadly chokehold. In one swift motion, the young Imperial kicked out the back of the guard's knees, throwing the flailing body onto the unforgiving floor. A slick crunch told him he had done his job, his eyes shut tight with an overcoming feeling of fear and dying adrenalin.

'My first kill?' His hands clenched tightly, and after a moment of silent reflection he turned away from the carnage, towards the training room doors, still hanging open, 'Not like this.' He took a deep breath, then plunged himself into the armory.

Inside more bodies lined the room; this had obviously been the Brotherhood's last stand. He looked about the familiar place with a mixture of regret and dull hatred, both combining to bring tears to his russet eyes.

His feet refused to take another step, cemented to the ground with anguish. He could only watch through blurry eyes the scene in front of him, even bloodier than the one he had left in the hallway. He shook his head, crystal droplets singing from his pale face to the blood soaked floor. He ran from the room, still crying, feeling for the first time since Louis found him that he was alone. The Dark Brotherhood had been decapitated; the only sanctuary left in Cyrodiil now in ruins, the only survivors a Breton Speaker and his apprentice.

The pair met back in the hallway as promised, both eyed each other with depthless sorrow. After a long moment of silence, they met in the center of the ruined atrium, each letting loose their sobbing in each other's arms, wrapped in an embrace of pain and hopelessness.

ARGH! What did he see? ARGH!! You can't leave me hanging like that!!! This chapter was riveting! Your writing brings the scenes to life, what talent you have for creating images!

I curse thee! :swear:

Well, I found some time to write another third of this chapter, but I had to leave it with another cliffhanger. I have some Geography homework to do, but would love it if you could tell me how you like the newest update. I'm not sure about the ending, with Lucien's vision, but I am trying to find space to fill in stuff about his past, and wanted to build up suspense at the same time. Another thing I'm worried about is the pace, I felt it moved too slow for such a scene, and was wondering about your thoughts on the matter. And any other advice would be greatly appreciated, as I had some very bad feelings about this one But, of course, I tend to be negative about my writing, so I'll let you decide


[Snip] Likewise, I put everything in that chapter above. Thank you for reading.

ARGH! Another cliffhanger!

Honest opinion: I think it took away the feeling of emergency that the last chapter ended on. Your writing is still Awesome, but this didn't have the same feel as your norm.

Personally, I think you have a knack for creating drama and tension, that, in a way, makes up for any other flaws in your writing by distracting the reader away from them. The cliffhangers are a part of that to be sure, but you can also create a good atmosphere. The pace seems fine to me, but I'm not a fan of fast moving stories in any case.

Thanks you two, I appreciate the fast replies

Sorry Malx, I just didn't have the time to finish this chapter :shrug: I'll be condensing it later, so no one else will ever have to suffer through that again Hmm, do you mean the ending with the vision, or just the chapter itself? I know I read a different book than usual to prepare to write, and I slipped in a lot more character history about Lucien than I used to, but I had hoped I could maintain the same feel. Oh well, I'll have to find a balance between characterization with backstory and action then. Maybe I shouldn't put the dramatic flashback in the already dramatic scene, instead saving it for a slower part next chapter?

Thanks Ambrose, I appreciate it. I tried to keep the pace slow in the beginning and nearing the end, only speeding it up with some telling in the middle to skip past the running through the streets and detailed descriptions of the rooms. I figured they wouldn't have the kind of time to study it all very intently, so I just kind of gave a general idea. If they were more calm I would go into way more detail.

By the way, Ambrose, I'm really very sorry I haven't commented on your story yet. I have three tests I'm studying for right now, several RPs, and this story Sorry, I'll really try to find time.

My main focus of this chapter (I'm including the most recent update and the one before it, as well as the one I'll be writing this week) is the plot advancement action, with plenty of suspense and a good atmosphere. I also wanted to hone in more on characterization, to give the reader a feel for Louis and Lucien, and throw in more backstory. I have a plan for Louis' background, but I can't think of anything as big for Lucien, so I'm trying to find a place for that vision thing. If you all have any ideas let me know Thanks again!

Well now, I said you were still Awesome, lol. You have a lot on your mind with the exams, and like you said - you didn't prepare to write the same way you usually do - those things can show up by subtle little things - like for instance, your timing is usually right on the mark - it didn't feel as precise this chapter, but was still really good - but with everything you have going on, no wonder. - Still, your writing was immaculate, good detail and descriptions so the reader can visualize what you are saying, etc. - it's obvious you are a perfectionist, it shows in your writing, and in that you worry so much even with your obvious talent.


I use music, and each character I am writing about has a certain song I play while I write their part - something that gets me thinking like they would.

[Snipped again]

This chapter should have come right after the one that ended:




This was absolutely perfect, what you usually produce - Awesome!

All three of those are just one long chapter, I just couldn't sit down and write them all together, so I posted what I had, breaking it up and adding cliffhangers. Thanks for the kind words, but how did you feel about the pace of the battle scene? Or the emotions involved with the Listener's death? I think his death was kind of detached by all the extravagant language and long sentences. Perhaps shorter ones, that leave more for the reader to infer? Any thoughts?



EDIT: Thank you Ambrose, your advice is always most helpful. I'm not entirely sure what I meant, but I know there are currently no other sanctuaries in Cyrodiil that these two can go to. In the game I know there should have been more, but let's just say that the Brotherhood spread after Lucien brought it back to life.

Of course, now the really exciting part can begin! I can't wait That was pretty much the introduction, like the tutorial level on a video game. If this was Kotor, then we have officially left Telos. If this was Dragon Age Origins, then we have finally joined the Gray Wardens. Now we may get the real story going! (Which means I have to do a lot more planning than the skeleton outline I have now )

Out of curiosity, did you mean that there was only one sanctuary then, or that there only ever is. Because as of Oblivion, there are several sanctuaries, you just only ever see the one.

The chapter seemed fine, and the pacing seemed fine, as did the battle. You worry too much Darkom, your writing is overall above average.

I found no fault with the pace on the last chapter, or the one two above it. The pace was off on the middle chapter slightly - I think that was caused by the flashbacks. I understand the need to have the flashbacks - maybe after the battle was over? It was odd timing to have them keep interrupting the flow of the story, especially with what was going on around him - where as in the aftermath it would have been perfectly understandable (IMHO).

Your writing of the emotions was deep and touching. You conveyed everything perfectly, including the flashbacks - I just would have placed the flashbacks at the end, after everything was over. He see the blood on his sword then, and be reminded of the bloody axe, etc.

Darkom95 - your writing is so perfect, and we are just talking about the slightest hindrence to flow in that middle chapter, and it is only my opinion. You strive for perfection in every writing, and it definately comes across to the reader. Your story is inspired, your writing is inspiring. This last chapter shows you at your finest, as I have come to expect from reading anything you have written.

Oh! Right, I forget to put in the edits to the second part :facepalm: I'll go ahead and do that now then. The only big change was putting the flashback in the middle, while Lucien is still just sitting around. Thanks Malx I'm kind of getting worried that no one else but you two are posting though, not that I don't appreciate you guys, but I had thought more people were reading. Thanks again

A lot of people are reading, but not posting. Your counts on the main page prove that. It feels awkward to not get feedback, but your story stands for itself, as does your writing. I am a solid fan of both.

Within the last two weeks they've released Assassin's Creed 2 and Modern Warfare 2. I've even been forgetting to eat, but I've been reading. I'll post bunches on the story soon, when I can stay closer to the computer than the Xbox.

Ah, thank you Shades. I'm sure if I had the game systems required to play those two I would be doing the same thing If only Assassin's Creed was out for PC already, now I have to wait until March :sadvaultboy: Regardless, I'm glad to know you'll be posting soon, I look forward to it. Cheers


Oh, and PS The third Feyfolken idea thread will be starting soon, where we will be discussing which story starter we want to use for the next contest. I believe the break has been long enough

I do realise I'm being overly harsh.



I could get into specific things here and there, but the actions of the characters so blatantly defy common sense that I don't think you can keep the story running this way. One thing is; anyone staying in the sanctuary or even the city once they knew they were BETRAYED. I don't remember you giving a reason for them to stay, so it's obvious that they're just there in the story to be killed. Mephala could order them directly to fight to the last man and more would have left!

Then Sadon and Louis perform one of the worst unbelievable tropes of all time. The enemy came in and killed everyone except the one guy that matters to the story, and he is gut-shot, so he can live long enough to explain every little thing he needs to before he dies. Come on now. And if my best friend was dying in my arms, I sure as hell wouldn't be crying. Louis girls out about everything! Yeah he's going through a rough spot, but you know what? Everyone in the sanctuary deserved to die because they were too dumb to live.

This was supposed to have just happened, and there's only two guards stationed to watch the place? No, they would invade the place with dozens and watch the entrances they found from the outside to see if anyone is foolish enough to rush in there and try to save their brotherhoodmates. The thing Louis should have done when he saw whatever it was, would not be to return to the sanctuary where he's already too late to help. He would take Lucien and gtfo. In two weeks once he figures the guards aren't as actively looking for him, he could try to pick up the pieces of the brotherhood (but obviously still not returning to the sanctuary).

You may have edited the story at an earlier chapter to explain this, but I can't understand how the Brotherhood allows apprentices. Or how it allows undisciplined, unskilled, non-homicidal people anywhere near it.

All the pieces of the writing are well done, it's just at the moment the composition which is bothering me. You can and probably should tell me to go shove it.

The part about Lucien daydreaming about his past needs to be sooner in the story I would say. Where it is now, it runs perpendicular to the story and the action. It's like you've given candy to a child, then switched it to broccoli right when it gets good. You switch back soon, but it still leaves us with a strange look on our faces.

Tell us about his eyes again! Alright, I'm kidding with you here, but you did say "eyes" 27 times in these three sections. It's like we had a situation report on just what their eyes were doing at any given moment.

This was the only sanctuary in Cyrodiil and nobody was out on a job? Wow. It must be a slow week.

All in all thank you very much, I really appreciate the help and critique. I would like more thoughts on my writing style, especially things like characters, descriptions, pacing, etc., but beggars can't be choosers, especially when they're not essential NPCs. So thanks again, and I look forward to seeing you again, after this next chapter (which is very long, as I had all weekend to write it with no internet for posting. I just got my new router an hour ago and it works great!)