"Mr. Burke's Brief Empire."

Post » Sat Nov 28, 2009 11:58 am

Here is the prologue to a piece that I just started working on. I'm not sure which way it's going to go, but I can take it several different ways. Let me know what you think.

Mr. Burke's Brief Empire
Fallout 3 Fan-fiction.


Prologue.

The sun was starting to set over Megaton. It was one of those sunsets where you wished it could last forever. Cooler winds from the east were beginning to pick up which meant the temperature was dropping.

"Gonna be a nice night son. Perfect weather for sleepin'." Said Sheriff Simms.

"Is the rain gone father?" Asked Lucas in that way that only a 10 year old with too much knowledge in his head can ask.

"Spose it is boy. Finally." He replied with a half smile.

"Father, if the rain is gone, then perhaps we can sleep out on the roof tonight. Ms. Brown says there's gonna be a meteor shower tonight, and I'd love to sit out on the roof tonight and see how many we can see!"

"Well son, that seems like a fantastic idea! Perhaps I'll pay old Nathan a visit and see if he won't let us use his old telescope. He says it's been in his family for generations since before the war. It's a bit dusty he says, but still works. Tell you what son? You run off down to the Brass Lantern and get you something to eat. In the meantime, I have to take care of some business from earlier in the day.

"Father, is this about that man at Mr. Moriarty's place? Mr. Burke?"

"Quiet now! I told you not to be thinkin' about what went on over there today. I've given Billy a piece of my mind for letting you be in that place to begin with. Now it's best you put it out of your mind. Something like that has a tendency to build up in your mind, and can make you think about the dark side of who we are. Mr. Burke was trouble for a lot of people here in town, and elsewhere. Frankly he got what he deserved, and the town is safer now that he's gone, but I wish you hadn't been there to see it happen. I warned that new comer about stirring up trouble, but he didn't listen. Fact is? he saved my life today. He said he was moving on for a bit, but he is still welcome here in town since he saved my life. When I see him again, I'll ask him if he knows anyone who can check out that bomb that Mr. Cromwell seems fascinated with. I just don't think it's safe to have here in town.

Listen son, this shouldn't take me more than an hour or so. I'll meet you back at home, and we'll get everything ready and then head up to the roof to see if we can see us some meteors!"

"Whoopee!! I'm so excited! I'm gonna drink water instead of Nuka cola with dinner, so I can stay up extra long tonight!"

"Heheh? that's my boy. Always fascinated with the unknown. I'll see you back home in a hour or so."

"Bye father!!"

Lucas Simms quickly walked up the ramp and headed to the residence of the late Mr. Burke. Using his master key, he entered and closed the door behind him. After looking around for a moment he started to sigh?
"Is it really over? " He thought. "Can people go back to the way things were before Mr. Burke and his organization? Will people move on and forget?" He thought as he was emptying some papers into the trash can. As he walked to the trash can with his arms full of papers, something fell out from his arms, and hit him on the foot. As Lucas dumped the wad of papers into the trash can, he bent down to retrieve the item that had fallen. It was some sort of book. The cover had been torn away, and the spine broken. Lucas flipped through a few of the pages, and suddenly he stopped short. His mind was instantly jolted back to 15 years earlier.

"My God? I thought these had all been destroyed by the Brotherhood." Lucas stammered. They swore an oath to the people that this abomination was never going to see human eyes again!" Looks like they were wrong?

Sheriff Simm's hand began to tremble and a cold sweat broke out on his forehead as he read from the last page in the old, faded book.

"The time is at hand for the weak and filthy of these lands to be cast asunder. We will burn their lives, bury their memories, and scatter their remains into the winds of time and history! May God have mercy on their souls." -The Sundering 2260.
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Chris Jones
 
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Post » Sat Nov 28, 2009 12:33 pm

Good start just a couple of teeny mistakes.

"Is it really over? " He thought. "Can people go back to the way things were before Mr. Burke and his organization? Will people move on and forget?" He thought as he was emptying some papers into the trash can. As he walked to the trash can with his arms full of papers, something fell out from his arms, and hit him on the foot.

Should have been.

"Is it really over? " He thought.

"Can people go back to the way things were before Mr. Burke and his organization? Will people move on and forget?" He thought as he was emptying some papers into the trash can.

As he walked to the trash can with his arms full of papers, something fell out from his arms, and hit him on the foot.


and

"My God? I thought these had all been destroyed by the Brotherhood." Lucas stammered. They swore an oath to the people that this abomination was never going to see human eyes again!" Looks like they were wrong?

Should have been

"My God? I thought these had all been destroyed by the Brotherhood." Lucas stammered.

"They swore an oath to the people that this abomination was never going to see human eyes again!" Looks like they were wrong?


Apart from that good start and I will await a chapter two :goodjob:
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Marquis T
 
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Joined: Fri Aug 31, 2007 4:39 pm

Post » Fri Nov 27, 2009 11:24 pm

Good start just a couple of teeny mistakes.

"Is it really over? " He thought. "Can people go back to the way things were before Mr. Burke and his organization? Will people move on and forget?" He thought as he was emptying some papers into the trash can. As he walked to the trash can with his arms full of papers, something fell out from his arms, and hit him on the foot.

Should have been.

"Is it really over? " He thought.

"Can people go back to the way things were before Mr. Burke and his organization? Will people move on and forget?" He thought as he was emptying some papers into the trash can.

As he walked to the trash can with his arms full of papers, something fell out from his arms, and hit him on the foot.


and

"My God? I thought these had all been destroyed by the Brotherhood." Lucas stammered. They swore an oath to the people that this abomination was never going to see human eyes again!" Looks like they were wrong?

Should have been

"My God? I thought these had all been destroyed by the Brotherhood." Lucas stammered.

"They swore an oath to the people that this abomination was never going to see human eyes again!" Looks like they were wrong?


Apart from that good start and I will await a chapter two :goodjob:


Yeah, some formatting errors occurred when I pasted the text here. Thanks though. I got some good ideas swimming around in the old noggin.
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Ross
 
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Post » Sat Nov 28, 2009 11:38 am

Good start just a couple of teeny mistakes.

“Is it really over? “ He thought. “Can people go back to the way things were before Mr. Burke and his organization? Will people move on and forget?” He thought as he was emptying some papers into the trash can. As he walked to the trash can with his arms full of papers, something fell out from his arms, and hit him on the foot.

Should have been.

“Is it really over? “ He thought.

“Can people go back to the way things were before Mr. Burke and his organization? Will people move on and forget?” He thought as he was emptying some papers into the trash can.

As he walked to the trash can with his arms full of papers, something fell out from his arms, and hit him on the foot.


and

“My God… I thought these had all been destroyed by the Brotherhood.” Lucas stammered. They swore an oath to the people that this abomination was never going to see human eyes again!” Looks like they were wrong…

Should have been

“My God… I thought these had all been destroyed by the Brotherhood.” Lucas stammered.

"They swore an oath to the people that this abomination was never going to see human eyes again!” Looks like they were wrong…


Apart from that good start and I will await a chapter two :goodjob:


Actually your wrong, Aussie, and he is correct. You see, no one new is speaking during that whole paragraph. It's the same person. And the pause from talking is just adding some detail to how he was feeling and/or doing something as he spoke. Since it's the same person speaking, no need for a new paragraph. But if for some reason his son had been speaking, then it would have called for a new paragraph.

So besides some grammar error's the sentence and paragraph structure were good. And nice story.
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Krista Belle Davis
 
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Post » Sat Nov 28, 2009 1:17 pm

Been brainstorming about this...

I've decided that the main plot is going to center around Mr. Burke, Sheriff Simms, and Simm's Wife. I've always wondered why there was no mention of a Mrs. Sheriff in the Game.

PS. I'll be writing this mostly in my spare time at work. I'll post updates periodically.
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yessenia hermosillo
 
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Post » Sat Nov 28, 2009 10:04 am

cant wait!!!
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Gen Daley
 
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