Don't put yourself through the stress man. It is not worth it. Your mum is more important. I hope she comes back soon . I'm sure she will though.

As per request, I'll try my hand at this story so far as well.

Spelling and Grammar:

Boos does not need to be capitalized or contain an apostrophe
A typo with the word shouted.
A hold is generally two words, as is long sword and short sword. Rotbags is dialogue, so I'll forgive that one.
What is the meaning of ralph up acid? I have not heard this word, is it of traditional english?
Eye slit is two words as well. Same with at least.

All in all, no real spelling errors and the only grammar mistakes are a few instances where commas should have been semi-colons. Very good.

Intro: You begin with an arena battle, without any history or plot. Bravo! A very good way to start a story: show a character in his normal life, with an oddity like the Bosmer's death that indicates the start of the conflict and plot. We don't know what it is yet, but we know that he will have something to do with it. Great intro :goodjob:

Chapter One: We see another character writing a letter. A little idle conversation, yet it seems important to the plot. Very natural in presentation, without any explanation, making us feel like we just stumbled onto a moment in time. Then, action. A strange Nord, a very sickly man. He vomits upon this mysterious general, and is then killed. The general then starts raving about a disease, and is described as being sick himself. He says he will die, and both act like they know what this disease is. Another element of mystery is added. Another great chapter.

Chapter Two: Continuing where the last chapter left off, we see this Altmer run into the streets. The fact that he knows what is going on is confirmed as he sees infected people ambling through the street. One thing I didn't like was that a man threw up his innards...I don't think that is even possible...However, the scene then changes. We see the Dunmer messenger running through a forest, doing skooma. He quickly arrives at the tower after a funny comment about riding a deer. He then delivers the message to this Carstien, who must play some importance due to the title and how people regard him as "the only hope for the city". Carstien shouts at him, giving us a good idea of what he's like. Another good chapter.

Chapter Three: A short bit telling us a lot about Carstien. He is a necromancer, a vampire, and is protected by the Empire. An interesting figure indeed. His servant is a bit iffy, but I assume he is being controlled by Carstien to a degree. Informative, if nothing else.

Chapter Four: Another descriptive chapter, it tells us little new information about the characters, but we learn more about this mysterious new disease. It also serves to put Carstien with the other main character. If the Redguard from the intro is one of the supporting players, he is all that remains. Also short, but that is of little consequence.

Character: Seeing as how this Carstien seems to be the protagonist, I'll do him. As has been said, he is unusual, yet still human enough for us to connect with him. He is kind of like the stereotypical spiteful grandfatherly mage, yet his "affliction" and practice of necromancy give him enough edge to be interesting. He seems like he could easily be uber, yet, if done right, could be a very good character indeed. Not much to criticize there :goodjob:

Flow and Word Choice: The descriptions and word choice are above average, but not the best they could be. I won't mention anything specific, but there were a few spots where it seemed lacking. However, all in all, very nice.

Plot: Here is where the best part of the story and the worst part come together. You introduce the main plot, this disease, magnificently. However, it also seems like, as has been said, that it could be better. It is almost as if you tried too hard to surprise us with the sickness; not describing the functionality of the city in thoughts, dialogue, or emotion. If this balance of description and mystery is found, there is little to be improved on within this story. As I said, you did very well, but because of that one will always expect better

Summary: Good, very good. I am almost jealous of this story I will come back when you have told more of the plot, but I expect there will be little to say then as well. Thanks for writing, and great job. A turtle for such grand improvement since your last story :turtle:


EDIT: Ah, just read the recent comments. If this did indeed happen long after the Oblivion Crisis, you can say necromancy was allowed once more by the new arch-mage. Really, it is generally a bad idea to change your story like that. Also, sorry to hear about your mother, I'm sure everything will be alright.

EDIT AGAIN: Never, ever force yourself to write. Write whenever it suits you, whenever you feel the inspiration, and your work will be a hundred times better for it. Never put writing on a to-do list. And editing things always makes them worse, the flow is all off. So write when you will be at your best or don't write at all.

Meh. It might relax me to get my mind off of it and write some, but I haven't had any sleep since Friday, and probably won't get any for a little bit, or maybe till she gets back. So if I do write, it might be lower quality and I'll edit out the problems when I'm doin' better

To Darkom95: thanks for commenting :] your review helps me a lot. I will improve the second part of the plot thing drastically soon, I will describe the City in full detail maybe.

Also, ralph = throw up, but I didn't want to overuse the word "vomit and throw up".

And believe me, Carstein will not be an uber. He is just an old scholar with fangs . He has never taken to the barbaric ways of his brethren, and chooses to live a quiet life instead of the roudy life of an adventuring, murdering vampire.

The reason the man threw up his innards is because, well I don't want to reveal what the disease does, I want you all to find out by the story. If you really want to though

SPOILER ALERT


I'm not going to describe the disease fully, but I'll tell you some things. 1: The man threw up his innards because a giant worm has inhabited his chest cavity and pushed his insides out through his mouth. The blood is greenish-black from the crushed bodies of worms, and worm droppings, same goes with the throw-up, because the worms excrete their foul excretions into the stomach and it is distributed into the blood flow. The blood and vomit also contains worm eggs.

Technically it is not a disease at all, although the worm excretions probably carry some nasty stuff.

I already figured about 47% of that out from what's happened so far.

Edit:
Does your signature have anything to do with Mannfred?

Indeed, I had guessed as much from the last chapter. I didn't want to expose your plot for you however Well then, sounds interesting. Although, how does their vomit make others die? The general seemed afflicted rather quickly, so I assume it is a property of said vomit and not the worm itself.


EDIT: That was one thought that occured to me, I simply dismissed it as it would be very fast for eggs. However, they are your worms, and you may do what you will with them

POSSIBLE SPOILER

He said there were eggs in it. Perhaps the worms grow inside of you ridiculously fast?

When one is exposed to these.. worms.. They become not theirselves, the eggs growing in them immediately affect their behavior functions, and the effects vary.

.

I'm recovering a little bit. I'll post a new chapter as soon as I can, I'm sorry I kept you guys waiting.

Edit: Yes, actually my signature does have to do with Mannfred. I don't know if any of you have heard of Warhammer Fantasy and Warhammer 40k, but Vlad Konrad and Mannfred are vampire counts in Warhammer Fantasy.

Vlad von Carstein is the first of the bloodline, and he uncovered a powerful necromantic book. After his attack on the Empire failed, and he was killed, but before he died he sired Konrad, and Mannfred, who helped a vampire escape from being tortured by the humans.

All the von Carstein Counts had the family signet, which allowed the vampire to be reborn if physically killed.

Konrad wuz a nutjob, a paranoia-ridden bastard in the extreme.

He burnt down whole cities just because he didn't like how they smelled. His elite guard were called the Hamaya, and Jerek von Carstein served as the Captain of the Hamaya. Jerek was also sired by Vlad after he fought the count in his past life and failed.

Mannfred sent messages and used his assistant vampire Jon Skellan to harass and cause more paranoia with Konrad. Eventually, Konrad was slain and Mannfred assumed the position as the vampire count. Mannfred led an undead horde into the Empire, where he was beaten. Jerek was still a human in a way, he was a vampire, but he kept his mind and the way he thought. Jerek took the Carstein family ring and buried himself alive to be the eternal guardian of the evil ring. Later on Mannfred was resurrected by a petty necromancer, and he still rules Silvania *Vampire Count homeland* as the Vampire Count

The above was written from memory of reading "Vampire Wars", so forgive me if I left something out or put in wrong info.

Don't worry man, take your time. We understand if it's hard to write at the moment.

The Vampire spat dry phlegm onto the metal floor of the Apothecarium. A dead Breton lay before the heavily clothed men who did not want to catch this terrible ailment. All were covered completely except old Carstein. He could sense their life forces near him, feel their blood pulsing through their veins. It was distracting, but after over seven hundred years as a bloodsvcker he got used to it.

Carstein inserted the small dagger into the Breton's sternum, cutting upwards shallowly, but enough to be able to fold back the skin. As he had expected, green and black liquid seeped out instead of blood. A slimy purple membrane was visible past his ribs.

It was a worm.

The Vampire, experienced in all things disease and necromantic, had never seen anything as disgusting and revolting. For the first time in seven hundred years the old man cringed in disgust.

"Avert your eyes, this will break a lesser man," said the vampire, wiping the back of his arm across his forehead as several of the men turned their heads gratefully.

"I'm going to have to break the ribs back to get to this damned thing, and I need someone to hold the body down."

A large man stepped forward. It could have been an Orc, Nord, Redguard, who knows. "I'll help you out," said the figure in a gruff, hard voice. Orc probably, thought the vampire, although his hearing had slightly diminished over the years.

The man put his large hands onto the dead body, holding it in place firmly.

"Here, just.." stammered the vampire, pushing the man's elbow out of his way. "There."

Mannfred grasped a rib and ripped it backwards, cracking it and tiny, barely noticeable splinters flying out of the snapped bone. They went through the same thing for the other five. The worm was squirming around, and the astounded vampire finally got a look at its face.

Four large spiked mandibles jutted from its mouth cavity, giving it a ferocious quality that sent a chill down the spine of the masked Orc.

It had no eyes, but several hundred veins ran from it into the Breton's body. They were loose and slimy, and allowed the slimy creature room to move. "We have no idea what we're dealing with here, so be ready for anything," said Mannfred, reaching down with his dagger to pierce the worm's head.

Half an inch away, an extremely powerful presence entered the room, its malevolence bringing several of the cloaked figured to their knees, tears or blood rushing down their hidden faces.

"You will not harm a son of Narsiym!" howled the presence, sending the message directly into the minds of the people gathered around the dead form.

Ah man that was pretty awesome! Seriously that was excellent. Your writiing actually made me cringe . And that's is a good thing! Just imagine having a big worm crawling around your body. :mellow:

Heh thanks again man. Comments / suggestions / criticism welcomed!

Well, another well written chapter I won't bore you with why I liked the flow, word choice, and logical steps taken, but I will mention how I enjoyed how you portrayed Carstein's thoughts and feelings. Well done.

The plot, however, has taken another dynamic turn. First you reveal more about the worms to us, and then, the last line of dialogue "You will not harm a son of Narsiym!" Completely epic, we feel on the verge of learning what is causing all of this. You reveal information in a very systematic way that always leaves the reader guessing which is good, but you manage to find the time to describe the character as well. This balance between plot and character is key.

All in all, few complaints from me, I'll keep up with this story. Thanks for writing, and keep up the great work

PS On a less cheerful note, I offer my condolences for your mother. May she rest in peace.

Thanks so much, Darks. Funny thing is, I don't plan anything before I write.. I've just been making this stuff up as I write. Sometimes that ruins my writing, but in this case it is helping it a lot. I didn't even think about the "You will not harm a son of Narsiym!" until I was a couple sentences before the part about the presence entering. I like writing this way, and it has worked well for me so far.

Indeed, many, including myself, write that way just fine. However, if you do plan stuff out, you can get some spectacular results. Check out A New Kind of Warfare to see what I mean

Heh thanks I might check it out, I'm pretty sure I already have, but I haven't read the more recent chapters.

Heh whatever you're doing it's fine Walrus . But I have to admit it is a great talent to be able to write so well off the top of your head :thumbsup:

It had been three days since the incident in the medical chamber, but Carstein was still dazed. He had never come into contact with something so immensely powerful; something that could most likely break him from unlife without a second thought.

The man who had been holding down the body later revealed himself to be an Ork as the old vampire had suspected. His name was Faq'mud Do'nashjii. He was from a noble line of merchants. What he sold wasn't made aware to Mannfred, and he could care less about things like that at a time like this.

Mannfred lounged back in the chair, his old bones croaking.

"Lord Carstein, what would you have me do?" wondered the young Breton assistant that the Vampire had called to his quarters.

"Go to the Grand Archives and fetch me any book that has to do with Akavir, the ancient Ayleids and their Gods, and a few on other religions. Use some creativity, and get me something that will help."

"But sir I-"

"Do it, and do it now," snapped Mannfred, baring his crimson-stained fangs.

"Yes.. sir.." with that the assistant raced from the old man's chambers.

"Ohh you can't get good help these days..." said Carstein, scratching the back of his head.
+++
Alvex Meveil had never ran so fast. He was quite sure that the old bastard had used some kind of mind control trick on him.

Exhausted, he stumbled to a tree and plopped onto the ground.

His ears perked up as he heard footsteps nearby. "Shh! I think there's someone up ahead," said a voice.

Three men and one woman stepped into the clearing. The men were all Redguard, besides a largely-built Nord. The woman was an Altmer.

"Stay right there, bandit!" shouted the Altmer.

Alvex looked at himself, and he realized he looked like a common thug. "No no no.. I'm not a bandit.." stammered the surprised Dunmer, trying to hide his skooma behind a tree root with his foot.

"Den jus' wuht da bluddy 'ell is ya?!" the Ork demanded, his double sided axe in his hands.

"I'm a messenger! Please! Leave me alone!" screamed Alvex.

"You realize skooma is illegal," said the Redguard on the left.

"Please just.. go away!"

"Yer comin' wiff us!" the Ork once again shouted, dropping his axe and picking up the Dunmer in one massive, ham of a fist.

"No please I'm just a messenger!"

"And I'm High Chancellor Ocato," said a Redguard, who put a bag over the Dunmer's head. Blackness surrounded him now, and he went limp.

Frikin brits and their weird language!

Have I reviewed this yet? No? Strange. Anyway, some good stuff you have here. I'm more of a novel guy myself, so I prefer long reads, but this is just as good. And, as to the conversation above, I usually waver between overplanning and underplanning. Which is to say that I always have an outline of what I want to do, and a series of events I want to take place, but leave nothing in between. This can occasionally change the way I want things to go with my fics, typically due to reviews expressing opinions that are the opposite of what I expect. Like hate for I character I thought people would like and vice-versa.

I don't like things to be strictly planned out every step of the way because then it seems to lack flow to me, in most cases. But I also don't like things with no planning because then they can contain contradictions and become chaos. So, I'm in the middle ground. And this applies to all forms of writing, whether it be RPs or fanfics.

I see. Well thanks for posting, I appreciate it .

People who haven't yet reviewed or read these Chronicles, plz do this is my best work ever, and I'd hope it'd be deserving of 5 minutes.

Ten hours had Carstein been studying. Ten long, tedious hours. Only one or two mentions of Narsiym, and they referred to an ancient ghost of plague, which led him to other mentions of a plague mistress, a goddess of disease and ailment. It seemed there was nothing he or anyone could do to stop this thing, if this.. "Goddess of Disease" kept interfering.

He read these mentions of Narsiym in "Ayleids and their Deities" by Christoph Nuev, "The Gods of Old" by Jerod Kayne, and "Ayleid Beliefs" by Kartiger Melud. These were rare and valuable books, and Carstein loved reading them, absorbing their knowledge.

It seemed he would just had to sit and wait for this disease to unfold, and for Narsiym to leave the Imperial City. He was lucky, of course, that he was a vampire. Vampires are impervious to these ailments.

Two knocks rang at his door. "Come in, Ocato," said the vampire, sensing the Chancellor's unique blood flow pattern.

"Lord Carstein, have you made any progress?" asked the anxious Ocato.

"Yes, in fact. It seems Narsiym is the name of an Ayleid Plague-Deity, or a "Goddess of Pestilence." I have not made any progress besides that. It seems we will just have to wait for this disease to burn itself out. If it is a disease, anyways."

"What do you mean if it is a disease?"

"I'm not quite sure myself, High Chancellor."

Hehe. Indeed .