Hi Folks,
Some of you may recognize my scruffy protagonist from the Buffy and Teresa fan-fics. I thought it would be fun to expand on Aradroth's story a bit and drag him kicking and screaming into the light. (well as much as he will allow it, of course, lol)

Thanks for taking the time to read and don't forget to shout out any nitpicks you see.




CHAPTER 1 ?

A Bravil watchman moved along the rampart in the gathering dark, his footsteps sounding on the wooden landing. Flickering light from the wall sconce danced across his heavy armor and surcoat, outlining a face that was crowded under lines of tiredness. Leaning over the railing he glanced downwards.

The dilapidated shacks of the town below pushed upwards through the dark like a set of broken teeth, the jagged eaves clashing against each other in the impoverished silence. The watchman's eyes scanned the backdrop for any sign of alarm, but few signs of movement could be found.

The night was warm and humid. Tucked within their beds most of the citizens tossed fitfully in their sleep. It was the moment just before dawn when dark dreams gave way to the memories of youth, sweet impressions that spoke of a former time. Outside the mullioned casemant footsteps could be heard, the sound mingling with the faint, snatched cries of the stall sellers that drifted across from the other side of town. The air was heavy with expectation, panting like a giant hound.

A figure headed down a quiet lane. Soft light teased across his pointed ears and dark outfit. It framed a neatly folded letter that poked surreptitiously out of one tiny pocket.

In part it read:




Aradroth smiled to himself. It felt good to be wanted again. Clutched like a greedy piglet to the teat he could feel the warm milk of the Night Mother running down his lips and throat, a gluttonous thrill that was paramount to death in its intensity. Her loving bulk provided all the sustenance that he needed, a clan love that would forever define who he was and leave the cretin world around him living in a bland, colorless land of emptiness.

Opening the front gate he stepped outside.

A member of the Bravil watch stood at the far end of the front bridge. Clad in sooty armor turned dark by the cloaking shadows of morning, he reminded Aradroth of that futile blockade that sheltered upon the edge of Kvatch.

As a man accustom to studying the fortification and defence of people he was paid to kill, the small assassin was always mystified by the false assumption that the cutting of the bridge ropes would protect and seal off the town from the waiting horde of Mehrunes Dagon. Just how many people did the foolish Count of Bravil think would be able to slip unannounced through the secret tunnel to the tower of Fathis Aren? And how many would die under the harsh conditions of a hunger and siege?

The Bravil guardsman did not notice the assassin until it was too late. Spinning around his gloved hand came to a belated rest on the pommel of his steel long sword.

"Oh Aradroth, it's you," the guard said in shock, his heart beating rapidly inside his steel chest. "I didn't realize that you were there."

The Bosmer assassin stood silent and cold, a contrast to the humidity around him. Small and slight; his gray eyes shone with a feverish light from the shadows of his black hood.

"Sorry Gladius," he replied, his voice soft and raspy, "I didn't mean to scare you."

The meandering eyes of the guardsman looked the assassin up and down.

"Are you out on a morning hunt, sir?" he asked, putting his hand out.

Aradroth shook his head. "No, not this time," he answered, slipping two septims into the guard's hand. "I am taking a little trip to Skingrad."

"Are you there on business or do you have family or friends?" he asked curiously, pocketing the coins.

"I have enrolled myself into therapy," came back the simple reply.

The guard's eyes blinked. "Sorry?"

"I am hooking up with Else God-Hater and a few others. We are doing a seminar on 'Righting past wrongs.' I have decided that it is important to open up on those deep and personal issues. It revitalizes the spirit when you learn to love again."

Confusion spread across the guardsman's face. The guard's mouth opened and closed like a fish. "Are you having trouble, sir?"

The assassin smiled. "I don't know. I feel isolated and disconnected. Like something is not quite right."

"Well that is great that you are doing something about it. I have always felt that the step to join the Bravil watch was the most important one I ever took."

Aradroth paused. "Yeah, I suppose you are right. I envy that sense of connection you seem to have around you with every little thing. Especially the way someone has committed a crime on the other side of Cyrodiil, yet you still are able to pinpoint them exactly. It must be some form of clairvoyance."

The guard seemed taken aback. "Have you noticed that? I have always thought that it was our commitment to help that made us rise above the call of duty."

The assassin headed away. "Yeah, maybe you are right. That is the reason I am joining therapy. I am hoping to regain my balance with the world again." With a smirk he added, "Who knows? When I am finished I might end up looking just like you."

"Well, good luck with that endeavour, my friend," Gladius called out in blissful ignorance at the retreating figure.

Aradroth turned. "Care to place a wager on that?"


**


The road that headed to Leyawiin stretched out of sight as it weaved through the southern forests like a muddy snake.

His mind was still thinking cynically pleasing thoughts about the mediocrity in the world when he realized that something was wrong. Cursing bitterly for allowing himself to become sidetracked, his slate gray eyes quickly swept the sides of the grubby track.

The green foliage and tall swampy reeds around him looked normal enough, but something teased at the tattered edge of his senses, something indescribable. From his neck a salty bead of sweat slowly trickled downwards, running its meandering way over the lined folds of skin. As it hit his leather collar he realized what it was.

The landscape was quiet. Not a bird or insect could be heard.

The tall reeds on the left hand side suddenly exploded with movement and a large shape charged into the clearing. Brown and very large, the creature swiped at the Dark Brotherhood member with a fearsome claw.

Scampering backwards the assassin fell onto his rump, pain lancing his left hip where he struck a rock. His bow disappeared off to the side.

Towering over him the creature was massive, standing over 7 feet tall, with a dark snout and coarse, bristling fur.

Fear spurred the prone elf to action at the next moment and the Bosmer opened his palm. Magic light coursed down the inside of his forearm, the magicka flowing like a river of light. The blue veins rippled down his fingers.

"Guulosh Torr," he cried, and a purplish-black shape materialized to his right hand side.

The bear's caramel eyes blinked in confusion and it paused in its attack. The coin of fate that spun with a decreasing speed finally caught a reflection of two opponents that hung suspended in time. Slowly, beyond thought, control or even reason, the creature's eyes turned and focused on the skeletal guardian.

The relieved assassin watched as the bear charged forward with a speed that defied its tremendous bulk and a vicious paw smacked into the undead. Taking the impact on its steel shield, the skeleton was thrown backward through the air, bits of bone from his shied arm flying in all directions. He landed far off to the side.

"Damn it," muttered Aradroth as he rose quickly to his feet. Tiny spatters of mud were kicked up as he moved.

Reaching under his cloak he withdrew Cat's Eye from its scabbard. Glowing runes danced up and down the hilt of the sword as it emerged into the morning air. The weight of the weapon felt reassuring in his grasp, a pull of energy that went deep down into his core.

Stepping forward the morning light ran along the elven designed hilt as it swung downwards. The sword bit hard and chunks of fur and blood disappeared past the edge of his vision. The next moment the shock enchantment of the weapon mauled just as hard, the assassin struggling to hold on as the sword coveted the gore and death of his adversary.

Roaring in horror the creature flung its broad head around and droplets of blood coated the assassin in a ghastly, decadent wine. A moment later a retaliatory claw smashed into the assassin's leather shield. The impact threw Aradroth bouncing onto the road.

Spinning around him the world turned in crazy circles, a hundred stars dancing back and forth before his eyes.

Not again! he thought haphazardly as he looked down at the mud. Gritting against the pain Aradroth charged back to his feet and renewed the attack. From the other side of the road the Skeleton Guardian clanked over to aid him from the rear.

A minute later the booming sound of Azura's Star resounded in his ears as the mountain of fur crashed to the ground.

Aradroth collapsed onto one knee beside it.

Breathing in ragged gasps he glanced across at the bear and then down at the abject state of his dark travelling cloak in disgust.

"Oh bull dust....." he muttered.

On the other side of the road the skeletal axeman brought its remaining arm wide apart and hissed loudly. Aradroth could not tell if it made a victorious or mocking sound.

"Don't you start," he warned, pulling himself slowly to his feet.

The skeleton hissed at him again.

This is Awesome! I knew it would be! I only picked out two, but could have quoted a lot more! Here are my favorite two paragraphs:








Awesome Write Wolf !!!!!


CONGRATULATIONS WOLF !!!

Congratulations, and welcome to the Arena!!!

Fine job - much better than fine, actually. This was wonderful throughout. Your descriptions, particulary are lupinely delicious. Just one of numerous examples:


So far, you seem to be successfully forging that extremely elusive creature - an endearing assassin. I knew somehow, that if anyone could it would be the Wolf.

Oh, as far as shouting out any nitpicks, Wolf you have to make them before we can shout them out to you!

YES!


This whole third paragraph is just great. Before this I saw Bravil from the rampart with the tired watchman looking at the broken teeth. This paragraph pulled me both into the heart of the city, and into the heart of this chapter. Like I said, just great!

Aradroth comes across as by turns sarcastic, sardonic and, well, a little bit psychotic (seriously, the warm milk of the Night Mother as a gluttonous thrill paramount to death in its intensity? Awesome!)

The only nit that I could find after two readings:

Reaching under his cloak he withdrew Cat's Eye from its scarab.

Did you mean scabbard here?

I think a scarab is like one of those old brooches from Egypt that is made to look like a bug, but usually decorated in expensive jewels. It would pin to the front of their clothing. You may be right on it supposed to be scabbard. I thought he pulled a "cat's eye" gem from his scarab and then began flashing his sword, so I missed the nit there, lol. So now that you have pointed that out I realize his sword is named Cat's Eye - very cool !!!

My guess is that his word processor has auto-correct on it and changed the word - mine does that all the time, if you don't see it happen it can mess you up. I have to force-add words all the time to it, it has a very limited vocabulary, lol.

Well, well, well!

This rider was glad to get off the horse and sit down by the river. At last, the intriguing character we get a glimpse of from BF and TF steps forward and introduces himself!

I agree with all of the above - it was very, very good and very, very compelling.

I too, had a nit with 'scarab' - it should be 'scabbard'

Scarab is an Egyptian insect, considered sacred in the ancient Egyptian pantheon.

If auto-correct is guilty, get rid of it. I never use it, because auto-correct is just stupid when it comes to creative writing. Ugh.

I can not pick a particular line or paragraph to quote. But I will mention that I loved the whole psycho-babble between Aradroth and Gladius - it made me chuckle to myself. :rolleyes:

That Aradroth is a Sly One!

Give us more!

A good solid first post for a beginning writer. Portraying an assassin is a difficult proposition, because their profession makes it difficult for readers to feel empathy for the character. I am not sure how you are planning to taking Aradroth's nature. He seems a pretty fervent Sithis believer, which really does not leave a lot of wiggle room. Unless that is going to change as time goes by. You do have a starting point for a lot of character development with someone like this however. He can only get better after all! There is an excellent Anime called Twelve Kingdoms where the three main characters are all very unlikeable to start with, and as the story moves along you see them change into different people. By the end you love them all, and love the journey they take to become those people. You have laid a solid foundation to go that route if you choose.

This really sets the mood: :thumbsup:
The dilapidated shacks of the town below pushed upwards through the dark like a set of broken teeth, the jagged eaves clashing against each other in the impoverished silence.

In fact, you use of metaphor to describe a scene is truly superb. You paint very powerful images. Another example that really struck me was this:
weaved through the southern forests like a muddy snake.


nitpicks:

You are head-hopping in several places. For example, the story appears to begin from the pov of a watchman on the city wall, then suddenly it shifts to that of Aradroth. Then later you hop to the guardsman at the bridge to show us that his heart was pounding with surprise when Aradroth sneaked up on him. When you change pov you need to end the scene completely (use a divider like your **) and start a new scene from the next person's pov. If it helps, think of your writing as a movie. The camera and microphone sit inside the head of your pov character. So the reader only sees what they see, hears what they hear, feels what they feel, and so on. I can email you a short article on point of view that might help. Just send me a PM with your email address.

You are also doing a lot of telling in the beginning as well. Conveying things that the pov character would not really know. For example:
Tucked within their beds most of the citizens tossed fitfully in their sleep. It was the moment just before dawn when dark dreams gave way to the memories of youth, sweet impressions that spoke of a former time.
Assuming this is done from the pov of the guard on the paraqet, he would not know what people are dreaming. However, he might imagine it like so:
Most citizens were probably tucked within their beds and tossing fitfully in their sleep, the guardsman thought. It was the moment just before dawn when dark dreams gave way to the memories of youth, he knew, sweet impressions that spoke of a former time.



You might want to rethink this:
Aradroth paused. "Yeah, I suppose you are right. I envy that sense of connection you seem to have around you with every little thing. Especially the way someone has committed a crime on the other side of Cyrodiil, yet you still are able to pinpoint them exactly. It must be some form of clairvoyance."
Unless you want it to be evident that Aradroth is a character in a game, rather than a real person in a real world, I would leave this out, as it only can happen in a game. I know some writers go out of their way to make it plain that their story really is a game, and that there is even someone out there playing the character. That is not bad mind you, in fact it can be very good, it all depends on what your goal is.



Flickering light from the wall scone danced across his heavy armor and surcoat
I believe you are looking for sconce here. A scone is a yummy treat.


and leave the cretin world around him living in a bland, colorless world of emptiness.
You use world twice in the same sentence here. I would suggest replacing the second instance with something like: place, or land.