Note: this is only the prologue, the first chapter will be written up tomorrow or this weekend.

15 years after the Oblivion crisis, the people of Tamriel had finally came to peace under the rule Chancellor Ocato.
Ocato appointed himself temporary emperor 3 years after the crisis, and it has lasted for 12 more years.
There was some outrage when the Chancellor did this, but he quickly improved the empire.
He has appointed new council members to represent the provinces, under Ocato's rule, the provinces prospered.

One man though, Demonth Mottrie, the council member for High Rock, was one of mystery.
He had a shady past with the Mages guild, being banned for necromancy.
Ocato had given him the seat under his watchful eye, though Demonth showed no signs of shady actions.
All had been peaceful in Tamriel, until today, that is.

Demonth had walked in to Ocato's quarters.

"Ocato, we must speak!" Demonth said.

"Of what, Mottrie?" Ocato asked.

"The Black Horse Curior, they have been reporting lies about me!" He shouted.

"You must not take them seriously, the always print lies" Ocato said calmly.

"But they will ruin my plans!" Demonth said, forgetting who he was talking to.

"Plans, what plans?" Ocato asked suspiciously.

When Demonth heard that his face dropped, his long hair covered his eyes, a grin came over his face.

"Damn you, Ocato, well I think you should know" He said with a slight laugh.

"You see, when I was appointed 9 years ago, I had been banned from the guild for Necromancy.
After that I had to seek more power, which had led me here, to the Council."

Demonth had moved over and locked the door.

"After you gave me the High Rock seat, all I had to do was wait.
I plan on running the empire, without your...assistance"

"You'll never get away with this" Ocato said pulling out his staff.

"Oh, but I will" Demonth said, smarmy sounding.

Ocato gave an output from his staff, the shock burst almost struck Mottrie a he side stepped.
Demonth's fireball he casted had struck Ocato's hand, burning it badly, as he screamed and fell to his knees.

"Agh, the legion will kill you as you leave, you pathetic cur!"

Demonth pulled out his short sword and held it to Ocatos neck.

"Oh Ocato, high and mighty emperor, your end is now" Demonth said

Demonth raised his hand to do a slash.

"Akatosh save me" Ocato said as his last words.

The blade came across and slashed his throat.
Demonth knelt down to take the key to the White-Gold Tower basemant .
The basemant had some of the most treasured items the empire had to offer.
Demonth, will soon become a force of evil and unstoppable.
The legion will be powerless to him, he'll command hoards of the undead.

Only a selected few can stop him.

2nd Note: the next part will take us to the protagonists as they hear of what happened.
Love some input.

Spell check doesn't catch things that are spelt correct but not the correct word.

Reread outloud and change as you find funny little mistakes like these.

Don't worry everyone makes them.

The very first paragraph turns me away, which is obviously a terrible thing. You don't want to bore your readers with a history lesson. Never info-dump, especially in the very first paragraph. All of that information about Ocato is important, but work it out through the story itself. Through dialogue and narration. Don't just dump it all in front of us and call it a day. That's not how it's supposed to work.


Very wordy. Again, you're trying to tell us too much information at once (this time in a single sentence). And the "was one of mystery" is cheesy. I'm not a fan of that sort of narration. It breaks the immersion, and you don't want that. You never want your readers to know they're reading a story. You want them to think that they're actually inside the story. If you can do that then you're one hell of a writer. Unfortunately, the first two paragraphs have been anything but immersing.


Again, stay away from cheesy narration. Also, you're dipping in and out of different tenses. By saying "that is," you've dipped into present tense, whereas the rest of the story is written in past tense. Stick with one tense. You never change tenses unless you have flashbacks, or something special like that. The sentence is awfully wordy as well, and difficult to read. Change that sentence up a bit if you must use the cheesy narration. It shouldn't be one sentence.


No, don't do this. Don't tell us, show us. Also, the dude sounds waaay too powerful. If he's going to be unstoppable, what's the point of reading the story? I know he's not really unstoppable, right? Because you wouldn't be writing this if he's literally unstoppable. There'd be no point for you to write it and no point for us to read it. But that's the problem. If he's not unstoppable, don't tell us he is. We as readers know (or, rather, assume) he's not going to be an uber warrior that kills anything and everything. So, don't tell us that stuff. One, it breaks the immersion. Two, it's an insult to our intelligence if you really thing we believe any of that.



All in all, the story and dialogue were bland. Also, it got annoying because you kept using dialogue tags for almost every set of speech. If there are more than, say, two people involved in a conversation then I could have understood the use of many dialogue tags. However, that isn't the case with your story. Your story only has three characters. Cut out on the dialogue tags. Don't use so many. Do you even understand what I'm talking about? Here, I'll give an example:


The bolded part is a dialogue tag. It offers description of the set of dialogue and it can also explain who said what. Since you only have two characters speaking in the scene, there is no reason for the amount you currently have. It goes back to the immersion thing I keep bringing up. You never ever want to break the story's immersion.

Also, in the first two paragraphs you use "15," "12," and "3." The three definitely should be spelled out, but the 12 and 15 are technically correct, I suppose. Still, I wanted to share my opinion. When it comes to numbers, I always spell them out, no matter how low or high they are. To me it makes a story more presentable and professional when you spell them out. Again, it's just my opinion and I thought I'd share it.


So... I apologize if I've been too harsh. I must say, though, it was fun doing that. I haven't given that long of a critique in a long, long time. But if it is too harsh, let me know. Hopefully you'll keep writing no matter what I say. Because that's the point of my critiques. I'm just trying to help you, that's all.

Well, I don't blame you if my work is filled with a few things needing change.
I love writing, and some constructive criticism won't crush my dreams.
I wouldn't call it harsh...but it was a little long.
I understand what your getting at, though.

I just hope people keep in mind what I'm trying to do here.

What is it that you're trying to do, then?

Just, ya know, make a story.
Even if things could use some changes, and I'll keep that in mind, they can still read it and say "yeah its okay"
As the story goes on, I hope my writing gets better.

But hoping and doing are two different things...

But that was sort of my point. It wasn't a "yeah its okay" sort of story. It could be good, but you have a lot of things to work on.

Well, like I said, I know what your getting at.
But, I do thank you for helping me out with this, since that was your point, right?

"I'll work on the dialogue tags" I said....

On the plus side, it's good that you love writing. It's wonderful to see new writers taking up the pen... erm... keyboard?

Anyway...

I do think redsrock's critique was a little harsh. It takes a while to build up a skin thick enough to really appreciate a complete breakdown like that (hint hint, redsrock :stare: )

For now, you should just concentrate on writing what you love, and trying to make it best come alive.

Read your favorite book (any length or genre!) and try to anolyse how the author makes their book come alive. Through description? Through dialogue? Through a compelling narration? Take what you like and incorperate it into your own style. You're probably already doing this anyway, but if you make it a conscious effort to emulate you favorite writers, you'll come up with a writing style you love.

Also, there's a principle that goes around writing circles called "show, don't tell." It's a tough one to get a handle of: basically it means that authors should show their story to the reader (subtly, through descriptive phrases and dialogue) rather than just telling everything (like the 'information dumping' thing redsrock mentioned). Again, this can be very difficult to get a grasp on, but it's something important to be aware of early on. Aim for it, but don't be too disappointed if you fall a bit short. What's the phrase? "Shoot for the moon; even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." Just do your best to pepper in some setting descriptions, unique dialogue, and interesting characters, and you'll hit the moon eventually.

So yes, your presentation could use a little practice... but I can tell you have an interesting story underneath. The death of an emperor is absolutely classic, and I think we can already tell who the villain is. Just keep writing it, and you'll learn as you go.

Indeed it was. From now on I won't be so harsh with you. I don't believe I was uber harsh or anything, buuuuut I didn't know that you were new to writing. Sorry.

well, I'd write up the next part soon, but my keyboard is craping up on me.

I liked it man thow my standereds arent that high when it comes to spelling and grammar

Same here really; as long as it's not drastically awful then it doesn't bother me that much. :shrug: Of course, it is easier and more relaxing to read something that has good spelling, grammar and is well spaced out.

I would like to see what happens... Although the spacing and paragraphing kind of annoyed me, but I think it's just me... I'm a little touch with paragraphs since 90% of my school doesn't even know what they ARE. (Living in a Bush Town and going to a Bush Town High School FTW!) It's alright though, not great, not good, not bad, not terrible. Keep writing and try to implement what's been said here, then I can pass judgements...

Overall, a 50/50.

Chapter One.
Of fate and failure.

The sun rose slowly over an inn near the Morrowind border.
The inn sign read "The Suns Slumber Inn".
It was a quaint little place, having many travelers and adventurers over the many years.
From behind, loud sounds could be heard.

And old Redguard sat on a log giving orders to a young Dark Elf.

"Again, do it Again!" He said.

"But master-" The Dunmer said.

"No buts, slash at the dummy again!"

"Yes, as you wish, master."

The Young Dunmer did a sort of spinning drop to a kneel and slashed at the dummies legs.
The sword he was using had struck below the knee part of the dummy.

"No, the goal is to slash the muscles above the knee in order to make it terribly painful to walk!"

"But the window of time given is too short, I can't!"

"...Well, boy, go back to the kitchen we will work on this tomorrow"

The Dunmer was named Olwen Alsteri, who lived and cooked at the inn.
He had been raised there by the old Redguard, Tyros.

He walked in to see his friend Telva sitting on the counter near the area were he washed the dishes.

"Old man giving you a hard time again, Olwen?" she said.

"Like you wouldn't believe, what about you, he just makes you clean, not practice sword skills AND cook!"

"Yeah, because my magic is rock solid so I don't need training!"

"Well, move over, the dishes need doing" Olwen said, putting an on apron.

"Oh, yeah okay, I just wanted to....well see you"

Olwen moved over to the counter to start the dishes when he saw a copy of The Black Horse Curior.
The headline read "Emperor Ocato murdered, councilor Mottrie missing!"
Olwen had to read this.

'Yesterday, at 12:45 AM, Emperor Ocato was murdered.
The major details have not been posted by the Guards, but we think the cause of death was the slash across his neck, but this is speculation.
Also at the moment, Demonth Mottrie is missing, the Guards do not know why.
If this ends up as the events of 15 years ago, we may need a Septim we can't have.'

Olwen could not read the rest of the scroll, because at that moment the old Reaguard Tyros barged in.

"Olwen!, Telva's magic may be good, but she cannot make the dishes wash them selves, that's you job!"

Olwen went back to cleaning.
He wanted out of the inn, no matter what it takes.

That shouldn't count as a chapter due to the length, more like a chapter niblet.

That was....

Me:
:read:
:thumbsdown:
:nope:
:whisper:
:rofl:

:yuck:
:ahhh:
:unsure:
:facepalm:

again pritte good on my part

so...it was bad?

Yes, basically. Allow me to explain.

Well, as Kermit the Frog said, there were ALOT of cheesy things in the story. I can't find much interest in it, as the backround is uninteresting and too many times when you explain something you do it all at once. I'm not very impressed with this story. Sorry, criticism.

Okay, good. Now we have a main character with an obvious conflict: he feels stifled, and apparently doesn't like taking orders. From that, we can figure that he's probably adventurous, but likely a little naive too. Good; he's entirely empathetic. Also, you never come out and say what his personality is, which is an excellent choice. Keep having characters become known through their words and actions; it's an excellent habit to get into.

Unfortunately, the above chapter lacks description, which means there's less to pull us into the story. Dialogue is good for keeping things moving, but you do need a bit of sensory description to make the world seem real enough for the reader to care about the characters.

For your next section, remember that there are five senses, and they are in operation at all times. Every couple lines of writing, stop and ask yourself what Olwen is seeing, hearing, smelling, and touching? Is the water he uses to wash dishes slick and oilly, seeping under his fingernails? Is the air in the inn tinged with the sharp scent of something rotting in the back of a cupboard, the source of which no one has been able to locate for weeks? What does the inn and its surrounding area look like? Does he hear birds singing when he wakes up in the morning, or is it the chirping of insects? Don't forget that there are more senses than just sight; references to the other four senses are uncommon, and can therefore be very poignant.

You gave description a good shot at the beginning of the section... but don't just stop at setting the scene. Remember to give major characters at least a brief description, and describe any changes of setting (the inn), as well as anything interesting at all. Keep the details small but telling (Tyros having hair streaked with grey = he's aging). You don't need to describe every drop of dew on every blade of grass... but saying some small things can say a lot (the fact that the inn sign is made of wood and freshly painted would do well to indicate that the inn is simple, but well kept). That is the principle of "show, don't tell."

Like everything else in writing, description is tough to get a handle on and requires quite a bit of practice. But don't give up; even a little description goes a long way to making your reader suspend their disbelief (fancy writer lingo for "pretend"). When you can really share your story with the reader and make them care about your characters, it's one of the best feelings in the world. :goodjob:

Well, I'm getting a lot of mixed feelings on this.
I'll TRY do make it better, more descriptive, no more "Dumping" of information.
Just one thing though, we all can't have super-original ideas.
I'm gonna change how it looks as-well.

Bah. "Originality" is just the creative repackaging of things and ideas you saw somewhere else.

Really, if it's too much, don't worry too much about it. The important thing is that you enjoy writing. If you don't enjoy it, don't write it. Our opinions are only that, and you are allowed to discard things you don't think will work for you, so long as you at least take them into consideration first.

Remember, have fun. All this serious English class stuff always comes second to that. :twirl:

Exactly this. I have said this before, and I'll say it again: you're writing for your own enjoyment, not for others to make comments.

Had a mistake when posting so Chapter 2 will be delayed.