Prologue

"You sure this is the place?" "Yeah, marked off the map I got from one of those Brotherhood bastards," Redlin whispered. He set the map down and began climbing up onto the rock. "Up here!" he shouted below. In front of him stood a large steel blast door. On the front of it was painted a larged number, 103. "Help me up!" Grueder shouted from below. "Keep quiet, dumba**!" Redlin hissed, "Have you're Mesmetron ready, you see anyone, you get them. We're going to make a hell of a profit with these back in Paradise Falls." He walked forward and looked down at the keypad. He took his map out of his pocket and examined it, under the location of Vault 103 was the word "SAFETY" written carefully in ink. Redlin looked back at the pad and typed in the password. An alarm began sounding, and voices were coming from the other side of the door.

"Hold on, let's see if they're hostile!" Redlin heard someone say. The door opened and two men stood at the door, pistols drawn and ready to fire. "State your business," one of them said sternly. "My brother and I need water," Redlin lied, "It's a living hell out there, and our water supply has gone dry. If we could just get some then we'd be fine." The two men turned to each other and began whispering. After what seemed like half an hour, one of them walked away through a door. "He's gone to get the Overseer, just wait- What the hell are you doing?!" Redlin aimed his Mesmetron and fired at the man. His eyes rolled back and his tongue began to sag out of his mouth. "Go wait outside the Vault, if anyone comes use your pistol to defend yourself." Redlin said.

That was the beginning of the harrowing story of Vault 103. No one managed to escape the slaver raid. I tried to fight back but they just... put me under some sort of hypnosis. I don't know where they were planning to take me, but when I woke up, I was in a bag. I thought I was going to die, that I would never see my family again. Little did I know that fate was on my side...

Short I know, but Chapter 1 will come tomorrow, I promise.

Yeah not bad, intriguing but a few minor problems. Spelling and grammar, only minor mistakes, just read ot over and you should pick them up. Main problem is paragraphing, everytime someone new speaks it's a new paragraph.

E.g

"Hello Molly, how are you?" I asked.

"I'm doing well, thanks." She replied.

Yeah, sorry. I'm not really the best at English, so I don't know everything about grammar >.<

I wouldn't worry and there's no need to apologise, it's just a bit of constructive criticism. ^_^

***"You sure this is the place?"

"Yeah, marked off the map I got from one of those Brotherhood bastards," Redlin whispered. He set the map down and began climbing up onto the rock. "Up here!" he shouted below. In front of him stood a large steel blast door. On the front of it was painted a larged number, 103. "Help me up!" Grueder shouted from below.

"Keep quiet, dumba**!" Redlin hissed.***

You mean like that?

Almost. I fixed a bit. It's a new paragraph when the character 'Grueder' talks because 'Redlin' was the last character to talk before him. Oh and when writing a profanity, mods prefer if you type the word out and let the censor block it. If your not sure about the word just type it and click preview post to double check. As you can see above.

I thought it was pretty good, and it reminded me of my story. As they say, great minds think alike!