Wednesday 17th June, Year 2268

It's My Birthday Tomorrow! Im Finally Going To Be Ten! My Dad Keeps Telling Me I Have To Go Down To The Diner Hall Part Of The Vault Tomorrow, I Bet Their Throwing Me A Surprise Birthday party, I Cant Wait For It, But I Can't Believe Butch Is Going To Be There, He Is So Annoying, I Really Want To Pummel Him, He Is Always Picking On Amata And Me, I Bet He'll Do Something Tomorrow, If He Does, I'll Destroy Him! I Really Want A Copy Of "Grognak The Barbarian - The Lair Of The Virgin Eater!" But I Bet That Doesn't Even Exist Down Here... Anyway, It's Getting Late, And Dad Is Telling Me I Need To Get Ready For Bed, So I'm Going To Stop Writing Now.

Thursday 18th June, Year 2268

I'm Writing Now, After My Surprise Birthday Party! I Knew It! And Guess What?... Amata Got Me A Copy Of The Episode Of Grognak The Barbarian I Wanted! I Can't Believe It! And I Got A Sweetroll! And A Pip-Boy-3000! It Was The Best Day Ever! Other Than For One Thing... Butch Tried To Steal The Sweetroll, And Then Punched Me Because I Refused To Give It To Him! I Swang Back At Him, And Smacked Him Right In The Cheek, It Felt Good, But Then The Guard Stopped It Before It Got Big, Dad Took Me Down To The Reactor Level And Gave Me... A BB Gun! I Got To Shoot 3 Targets And A Radroach, Jonas And Dad Think I'm Good With The Gun, I Didn't Miss A Single Shot! Now Im Going To Read Grognak The Barbarian, So It's Time For Me To Stop Writing...



BUTCH WUZ HERE
Gah, I Can't Believe That Baby Josh Has A Diary...

Thursday 18th July. Year 2274
Well, I've found my old Diary, That idiot Butch stole it when i was Ten... Anyway, I'm Sixteen now, I had my G.O.A.T Yesterday, Man, That test was hard some of the questions where extremely stupid though, I Mean, "Who is the most important person in the Vault?" The only answer was The Overseer, Gah... He is so full of himself, Someone should teach that man a lesson or two, But he controls the Vault, I Always wonder what it is like outside the Vault, But the Overseer goes on about how it's un-inhabitable out there, I'm Ninety-Nine Percent sure people are able to live out there! I know he is telling us a lie! He makes me so angry some times, His daughter Amata even tries to talk sense into him, But he doesn't listen to ANYONE, Not even his own Daughter... Well, Time for some target practise with my BB gun.

Um.. why is every word capitalized? It also sounds very similar to the writing style of Eileen's, and if this is a 10 y/o boy, I really think he would act a little bit more mature and use "Yay!" and exclamation points after everything. He wouldn't really use ellipsis (...) either if only he is seeing it.

I've done a lot of writing here and there, and writing in the first person -- for other people to read -- has got to be the hardest thing ever.

I agree with Shadownman13, but *anyone* who even tries to do this type of project is pretty darn brave.

Don't stop. Keep trying.

Eileen

Thanks guys, I'm just used to puttings Capital's at the begining of every word xD I'll try and Stop now. Part 2 up later.

I like it, with the exception of the capitalizations at the beggining of each word. I wonder what he means by target practice though...
:flamethrower: :swear: ----- I am the overseer, RAWR!

Btw, I Was Adding Parts to the first one, i'll add part 3 onto this like everyone else...

Sunday 15th January, 2277

What A Day, My Head Is Hurting Like Mad... It Started when Amata ran into My Room, And shouted at me to wake up, So i did, I Asked her what all the fuss was about, And she just say's Jonas is dead! And that the whole Vault has gone mad, So then she offer's me a Pistol, I tell her she will need it for Radroach trouble, so i get up from my Bed, half naked she just Giggles at me, And then she runs off, i grab my stuff from the Desk and get my Vault 101 Jumpsuit on, and then i grab my baseball bat tight and run out, waiting there is a guard for me, a gun pointed at me, he shouts at me to surrender as i am about to drop my baseball bat, 3 Radroaches just jump on him and start to maul him! I take the opportunity, And run past him, Then butch comes up to me and asks me to help his mum, But i don't have the time, I Tell him there is a dead guard and three Radroaches behind me, and that he will have a Batton on him, he runs back for the batton, and i run off towards the exit, I'm going to skip a bit now, I'm at the Terminal to the Overseer's secret Tunnel with Amata, i open the Tunnel and We rn down it, making it to the Vault gate, I type in the Password onto the Terminal, and a Ear Splitting sound Rips through us, the Vault is opening, i Ran out of it, Shouting back to Amata with my Final Good-bye's.

Well, i'm still alive now, But my head hurts, and we are getting to that part Now, as i gained my sight from the Sun, i move down a Mountain ramp and leave the area of Vault 101 and then, over some Rocks i Saw the top of a small town, Megaton, It's called that, i decide to head to it Through Springvale, On my way there, I Was hit in the back of the head with a Iron Pipe, Knocked me straight out, When i Awoke, i was in this Junkie's house, she says i can stay for a while, (As compensation for the blow to my head) And she has even given me 15 Caps because i don't have any, I am writing this from my Temporary Bed, and it's about One 'o' Clock in the morning now, So i'm Gonna catch some sleep for tommorow.

(( More Later Or Tommorow ))

You're writing it diary like,
But in the middle of the writing it's like you're writing it AS youre doing it.

It should be more like, " This morning Amata woke me up.......... " etc

Like, Giggled, not giggles,

Try and get your tense right, i might attempt one of these, after seeing suggestions to other people.

Stop capitalizing words that shoudn't be!! :swear:

Sorry

There i go again!!! =[!!!

Monday 16th January, 2277

Well, It's Five 'O' Clock now, And i am getting ready to leave Silver's House, She says i should stay longer, i Refuse though, now i have my gear on, And i am off to Megaton, it should only take me about Five To Ten Minutes to get there, i'll write when im there..

20 Minutes Later

That went... Unexpectedly, I was about half way to Megaton, when all of a sudden a Raider jumped out with a pistol aimed right at me, When all of a sudden, A Masked figure Wearing a Balaclava and What Looked like Combat Armour Jumped off a roof of a Low, Slanted Roofed building, Landing into a roll, Ran right at the Raider, Literally grabbed his Hand, Twirled under it and Smashed it down onto his Shoulder, it looked like he broke it, the Raider dropped his Pistol, And then before it even hit the floor, the Masked man Grabbed the Pistol before it hit the ground! And then fired About Two shots into the Raider's head, And then Ran off! I Didn't believe it, when i got to Megaton, the Sheriff, Lucas Simms told me that guy was a Hero around this place, and that Nobody knew his name, that he Helps all in trouble in the Wastes.

Now i'm in a Saloon, i got a free room by lying to the owner, Moriarty! What a sap. Well, Now i'm Gonna head out and look around the town.

A quick pointer first, try cut down on Repetition, it is good in Poetry but not in stories.

Pheeee...
It an ok story but trying to read it is killing my soul....
I dont even know if I should try and help because I might just end up instulting you...

Some rules;
If your not sure, Dont capitalise..
Places for 'Capital Letters':
o Names and place names, (Eg Max is a young boy from Leeds.)
o At the start of sentances.

Sentance structure:
Try reading your writting non stop without any breaks unless thier is a full stop, infact dont you might die...
A sentance should cover a point, extended sentances using conectives (Hence, But, And, Although, Meanwhile...) can cover a few points.

Example.
Max is a young boy from Leeds.
He lives in a large house next to a cricket field although he is not a fan of the game.

Use commas to add extra information, create lists or to create small pauses.

His brother also lives with him, he is older than Max, however he is a fan of cricket.
The sports that Max enjoys are: basketball, clay pigeon shooting and scuba diving.
When Max came home that night, the house was dark and cold and Max was scared.

Not.
Max is a young boy from Leeds, He lives in a large house next to a cricket field, he is not a fan of the game, His brother also lives with him, he is older than Max, he is a fan of cricket, His brother also lives with him, he is older than Max, however he is a fan of cricket, The sports that Max enjoys are basketball, clay pigeon shooting and scuba diving, When Max came home that night, the house was dark and cold, Max was scared.

Which is easier to read?
Sorry if you find me patronising, I in no way suggest myself to be a good writter.
Keep writting and taking constructive critism and you will get better, it is Inevitable.

"Through experience we better ourselves." - Cant remember.

Can you please tell me what your thing is with capitalizing in the middle of sentences?

Josh is sorry. =[ Josh is use to using Capital letters.

Tuesday 17th January, 2277

Well, i forgot to mention that here in Megaton, right in the center is an Atomic Bomb... That's right an Atomic Bomb! This place just doesn't feel safe, I heard about a place called Rivet City and how it's safe from all the Mutants and Raiders, But in all honestly, i think that i Won't make it much longer in the Wasteland, I'm not ment to be out here. I am just a Vault Kid. I doubt that i'll make any allies or friends out here... But there is one guy here that thinks he wanted to get back out there, He is an Old Raider... i think i may go pay him a Visit...

Dude!

?

Kill the comma!

Why is there no mention of your charecters father James past your tenth birthday, Isent he the reason you leave the vault? Other than that I agree with the rest of the comments. oh and I thought for sure you would kill the overseer :gun:

I Didn't Mention My Dad, And I Left Due To The Vault Being In Uproar, And I Took The Chance To Exit The Vault, And Fulfil The Dream.

meh, its pretty good, not terrible
just one more thing you capitalize singular I's
for example
As I walked down the street a raider charged at me.
Not
As i walked down the street a raider charged at me.

Next Part Tommorow/Tonight.

Please proof-read and take out all un-needed capitalizations!