Thirty Firefly shadows crossed the broken concrete of Old Olney, occasionally fleeting across the face of the terrified town folk. Wind Gusts Threw old newspapers down the street as soldiers in hulking armor with cow skull looking helmets jumped out the back. Laser Fire tore through limbs, leaving charred bits of melted flesh on the street. People who surrendered where herded to the back of vertibirds and tied down. Those that resisted where cut down and left on the side of the street. Hundreds fled but where cut off and captured. One of the few that survived was a colored man wearing merc clothes, with a head wrap, and dark shades. He was herded to the back of the awaiting Aircraft by the Enclave...
The prisoners were given metal headbands, mind control devices, and either converted to Soldiers; or made into slaves. The colored man, fortunately, was given a faulty headband. He didn't want it to easily come to the attention of the enclave. He worked hard and was given even herded choices. He was eventually given a soldiers position...

Enclave Soldier: "Unit 571, what the hell are we doing way out here, this is Olney Territory. We shouldn't be out here. Those Deathclaws..."
3 dog: " you shouldn't have released them then! Sure there was a resistance but what was the point in murdering the people with those things."
Enclave Soldier: "They were unclean, unfit for duty, and unfit for America. Better off dead, the damn ghouls. "
(3 dog was silent, It had been several years since his capture, The enclave was only active in the northern sectors but he knew they would spread south...)
Enclave Soldier: "Did you hear the news, Our scouts found a brotherhood Base..."
3 dog: "out here?"
Enclave Soldier: "No, they took over the pentagon. Renamed it too. Traitors...."
(they came across a house the door was slightly ajar and there where freshly opened cans of beans and such littering the scorched driveway. 3 dog, in front of the Enclave Soldier, Begrudgingly took a look inside. A few scattered toys were on the mildewed carpet. 3 dog opened a door and was instantly shot in the gut with a .357. The round bounced off the metal armor and the Soldier shot the man in the face, leaving a charred, headless body on the floor. Screams were heard from further inside the room and the enclave soldier stepped inside. A small lady, with a small part of her shoulder skin off due to mutation, sat with a small toddler hiding within the confines of her arms. She gripped her child tight for a few moments until, to three dog's surprise, the enclave soldier shot them both with his rifle. His response was immediate. Three dog took his rifle and hit the soldier over the head with it. Again and again he cracked the butt of the rifle over the mans shattered skull until he moved no more.)
3 dog: "why... what could drive a human being to be so cruel to another...)
(He heard the sound of aircraft engines and shed his armor as fast as he could. He grabbed the dead mans coat just before stepping outside, and running south towards what used to be big town. He wondered if the enclave had made it that far...)

Type
Y- keep going with the story
N- you svck at writing, go back to playing fallout instead

Y.

Definitely interesting, just you oughta change the writing style a bit, spaces between each time they speaK, slow down the combat a bit, include more detail.

There are some problems here. You capitalize words that shouldn't be, over time you use two different spellings for Three Dog's name, the original spelling, and '3 dog'. The dialogue is in a form like:

Bob: Hey.
Joe: Hi.
Jill: What's up?

This is rarely used in stories, and it shouldn't be used AT ALL. Most stories don't use this because it's not that pleasing to the eyes, at least for me. It also gets annoying. In the beginning you write normally, but after the dialogue you put everything in parenthesis. This shouldn't be there. Some of the things aren't spelled correctly, but everyone has that problem, so I won't get onto you about it. Look at what I've posted above, edit the first post, and fix these things. The dialogue should look like:

"Hey." said Bob. "Hi." Joe responded. Jill came in and said, "What's up?"

That's an example, but these things will improve your writing. You won't be critisized as much, and it looks more professional. The storyline is decent, and I'm hoping for you to continue, but fix the way you write.

Y

Will Do. Thanks for the help. I just started.

No problem :tops:

What he said



Also what he said....Oh, and




N

Also, try not to use "Colored Man", seeing as it might be offensive to some people.

Well if he cant use that, what can he use? Every term seems offensive. -shrug-

Well it seems interesting, and despite the ugly play-like dialogue I am intrigued to say where this could go.

Make sure to use sensory language to make readers more interested.



Now add in the some details.....

The round sparked as it ricocheted off of the resilient metal armor and the soldier retaliated by blasting the man in the face with a bright blob of burning energy. The man's body crumpled and fell to the floor with a deep thud of the man's body collapsing on the floor, followed by the smaller thud of his head, leaving the charred, decapitated corpse on the floor.

Y

Your writing skills will improve with experience, and you lose nothing if you continue to write this story. I say if you get around 2-5 posts of telling you that your story is terrible, than quit and start a brand new Story.

Y