So yeah, I'm not baiting everyone into reading this topic; I honestly couldn't think of a name. But yeah, this also isn't a bragging thread in any way--it is created out of pure curiosity after a discussion that was held yesterday and some comments I've received lately.

First off, some background. Yes, this has to do with g-ranger and my relationship and how we handle it, so you may stop reading now if you'd like.

Anyway, we've just celebrated twenty months together and are to soon observe four years since meeting on the Forums. In our relationship, we have what we consider to be very good communication. We tell each other everything and rather than yelling at each other or getting hurt, we rationalize things this way: We know each other too well to assume the other has said something intentionally offensive, so we'd rather talk it through to relieve misunderstanding. Another nice thing we have which we've noticed is not very common is that we love to jokingly ridicule each other and tease each other, as well as have fake arguments and call each other names (nothing vulgar; just things like 'poo,' 'bumface,' etc.). It's not unusual for us to one minute be making fun of each other in jest and then the next to be telling each other how much we love each other. It's an aspect of our relationship that we adore and it's completely consensual between the two of us. When it comes to ridicule, we realize there is a time and a place for it, so it has never gotten out of hand or even close. We also realize that the other has sensitive points and to not touch those, so we usually ridicule based on things we know obviously aren't true (I tell him he makes everything smell like butt, for example, and he tells me I'm a big baby). Rather than call each other 'baby,' 'sweetie,' or other pet names that we personally find nauseating, we opt for 'idiot,' 'bumfluff,' and the ones outline above, as well as others when we come up with them ('beard' is a big one, for whatever reason).

I was telling this to one of my friends the other week, and she cut in to say that she believes that is one of the most disrespectful things she's ever heard and that relationships shouldn't be like that. I told her that by doing that, we remove the taboo from such words so that they're not offensive to hear. Plus, that's just the way the two of us are and the way I was raised--my family is very similar, but more toned down. We love to poke fun at people from whom we have consent to do so. This last Sunday, I related the scenario with my friend to my sister, and she agreed and said that while it's not as disrespectful as my friend said it was, she believes it may one day turn disrespectful if we use one of those words during an argument we may have (we haven't ever had an argument, but we have been in situations where most couples I know would've had a huge argument, but we referred to our method above about us knowing each other too well and we just talked it over, being happier than ever when we're done. However, we're not naive. We know that at some point we will probably have an argument, but we've discussed plans to put in place to either soften it or be smart about it).

After that, I talked it over with my mom and asked her opinion. She said that obviously our relationship would be that way because of the way I've been raised and the way he and I are. She gave me the advice to make sure we stay communicative so that we always know what our limits are and that it remains consensual), which is what we're already doing.

Yesterday, while talking to him on MSN (for anyone who doesn't know, we've been living in different countries since February but will be reunited in three weeks' time), and the following exchange took place (most may find it very juvenile). Another note to add is that we tend to exaggerate anger that's not there for comedic effect. Yes, we find it funny:

Me: Where's the new 2degrees shop? I heard one opened up in Wellington.
Him (something like): Pfft, I dunno. I haven't even heard of it.
Me: UGH! YOU SHOULD KNOW THESE THINGS!
Him: IT'S IN YOUR ANUS!
Me: You idiot.
Him: lol

And since he is going to be meeting my mom and family in three weeks, I usually tell her about him so that they'll know each other quite well by the time he comes and it won't be weird. Plus, my mom already likes him and thinks he's funny, so I'll tell her some things he's said to give her a laugh. While laughing, I told her about what he said, and she suddenly went different and said, "I think he went too far."

Me: Uh... why?
Her: That is disrespectful to you.
Me: But I don't care. We're always like this.
Her: Yes, but he is referring to a private body part.
Me: And? It's not like I'll believe after a while that there really is a 2degrees shop in my anus...
Her: He still went too far.

(My mom and I have a more friendship approach to our mother-daughter relationship, so we tend to do the same--ridicule each other in jest and whatnot). This is my mom saying this. My mom, the same woman who calls everyone 'dundo' and 'lelo' (Spanish words that basically mean 'idiot'). But yeah. I guess the point of this thread is: If it's all consensual and we find it hilarious, can it really be disrespectful? Obviously we'll continue handling our relationship 'our way'. I was just looking for opinions.

EDIT: Also, it looks like a thunder storm is beginning soon, so if I don't respond, it's not 'cause I abandoned the thread and hate everyone or anything.

No it's not disrespectful if you're both on the same page - it won't be for everyone, and that's why not everyone is compatible. Mr. ChineapplePunk is schizophrenic (has been for years) and we will often make jokes about it which are in no way PC and I'm sure some people may think I or he is being disrespectful, but people relate in different ways. I say: tell them to stuff it (preferably in their ANUS! ).

As long as you both know the context that the other is using it's not offensive.

If none of you are being hurt, then I don't see what the problem is.

If people around you get offended by it try doing it in a different language. I recommend welsh as the words are easily shortened so that only you know what it means

That actually is a pretty cool idea, and I would like to learn Welsh. But we'd probably do Italian or German or something. We also figure that people only see the playful argumentative side because we're not ones for PDA or to talk about each other all the time (we're actually a lot more toned down off of the Forums). Our friends from Wellington have no problem with it; they actually think it's entertaining. Mostly it's just those three that have said something and made it out to seem like he's gonna become some verbally abusive man throwing beer bottles and cats at me.

HAHAHAHA! Awesome. I have a similar relationship to my only girl friend. Though she doesn't love me

Having the same sense of humor is a good thing and nobody else has to understand it. Pet names can be anything. It's not the word you use but the delivery. And if you two don't mind and in fact enjoy the little teasing words, it's not up to anyone else.

Don't let anyone else convince you that how you communicate and the jokes that pass between you are wrong. It's not theirs to judge.

As a Mother, I might have a bit of a problem with how you communicate because I would not want my daughter to be called names nor such or to feel someone is putting her down. He isn't putting you down but it would be difficult for a Mother to see that at times since the words don't really match up with the mood. So I suggest you both respect that and tone it down just a tad for your Mother when around her.

Otherwise, all that matters is that the two of you know where the other is coming from and not change from what works for you.



This part tells me you two have enough maturity for things to work. So, if your humor bothers some folks, just take it with a grain of salt.

Personally I wouldn't be very impressed if anyone spoke to anyone in my family like that (my mother would probably throw them out of the house as well) but still, I think this



applies.

What id say is me and my mates and my best friend in particular have dirty inside jokes but we don't share them with our parents. I won't tell my mam my friend called me an English weirdo and i called him a tall freak, I won't tell my dad i called my best mate a lisbian love goddess. Insulting each other isn't really offensive. Its just friendly banter. Its more of a thing guys who are mates do than boyfriend and girlfriend do but if its funny to you there shouldn't be a problem. Just don't do it around other people if they don't like it.

True; I guess I didn't see it that way. I probably will tone it down once he comes. I know she'll be making fun of him too, but all should be well if we only really are the way we are around each other. And we are; that's the thing. The only people outside of our relationship that we make fun of each other in person in front of are his best friends and I figured that my family would take it the same way. And while they do, they probably want g-ranger and IHaveAFatDog Lite instead.


I guess it all depends on tone of voice. My little sister's boyfriend was quite verbally abusive to her, and none of us were impressed by that.


We've got the same, but wow; the things you said you wouldn't tell your parents are exactly the things I would be able to tell my mom. I think she would even come up with those kinds of names. I guess she's just very defensive about her daughters, which makes sense and is something I can appreciate.

Don't get me wrong: we aren't just ridiculing each other in front of others. Most of this conversation occurs when it's just him and me. When we're around others, we tend to be more respectful unless it comes up and is appropriate, 'cause we wouldn't want to go and make our relationship the center of every conversation and encounter with people.

I'm glad I feel kinda normal now and not like our relationship is doomed to fail just because we like to tease each other more than most.

Two adages work well here:

1. It is all fun and games until someone gets hurt. The more ridicule becomes the norm, the more likely it will be that when it does get out of hand it will be a very serious offense.

2. If a man calls you a horse, you ignore him. If a second man calls you a horse you punch him. If a third man calls you a horse, it is probably time to buy a saddle. The opinions of three people who you respect (friend, sister, and mom) are all very similar. That suggests that they are seeing reality more clearly than you.

My guess is that you don't like what you are hearing from the people in your life, so you came here seeking an alternate opinion to help you rationalize your decision to ignore the good advice you have already received.

You need to take the time to have a serious conversation with g-ranger about this topic and set some real guidelines for your interactions before it is too late. Further, please be aware that calling each other names and other forms of ridicule are commonly considered to be very immature. Doing this in sight of others will reflect poorly on you and him so you should keep that behind closed doors.

If you've been together happily for 20 months, I really don't think anyone has any right to tell you what to do with your relationship, clearly you two are doing something right.

Did I mention that these people with strong opinions have never, ever met g-ranger or seen us interact in more than just a phone call or me sitting at the computer? One has never seen us interact. The people in Wellington who have witnessed our relationship firsthand have never said anything bad. They find us quite entertaining and we've been voted Best Couple of 2009 and 2010 by some of our more strange friends.
Guidelines were set nearly four years ago. Also:


EDIT: Also, we did have a discussion about it last night and resolved to keep things the way they are since we love it too much. And I can finally chuckle at the first lone of Mysterious Dr D's sig.

Dear lord some people just can't take a friendly joke. I would feel sorry for your mother if she met my family. We're ALL that way. Its a basic, and essential part of our humor. If we truly didn't respect each other we'd be saying far more hurtful things than referring to someone's anus.

And besides, what business of theirs is it to decide that he respects you or not? You're a damned grown woman, you can decide for yourself.

It'll be soo cute if you end up old and wrinkled, sitting on a porch in matching rocking chairs and calling each other "butt-cheese" and "stinkfart" within earshot of the neighbours.

I want to see proof of this 'Best Couple of 2009'. I am dubious of your claims.

SHOW YOUR WORK.

Also - keep going until someone is uncomfortable with it. That's how all relationships work. A friend and I introduced my last partner to the concept of Catholic guilt.

As you said, IHaveAFatDog, these usually negative names are not only a replacement for pet names for when you want to talk nicely to each other, but a way for you to replace what would normally be more serious insults with words that have a more playful connotation to you. For example, you called him an idiot, but it was in no way insulting to him because he knows how you're using it. To you, "idiot" in that context meant "Man you can be dumb sometimes, haha," not "You're a [censored] moron" like it would mean for most other people. This is what works for you two. If it's worked for this long, anyone who isn't in the relationship (anyone but you two, obviously), has absolutely no right to say it isn't normal. If it's normal for you two, then don't let these complaints from people who don't understand you guys properly get to you. Your friend and everyone else who spoke to you about this obviously has your best interests in mind when telling you it isn't normal, but they're wrong. It is normal, for you two. Don't go changing what has worked for so long just because a few people who don't have the slightest idea of how your relationship works think it's not normal.

Edit: Don't know why I quoted that post...

http://media.photobucket.com/image/not%20sure%20if%20serious/Rodzilla109/not-sure-if-serious.jpg that was the best pic I could find.

Sounds like a perfectly normal relationship to me, maybe you family and friends at home don't get NZ humour, because I know people who are perfectly happy and call each other much worse things, but always in a way thats clearly ironic or sarcastic.

It's weird 'cause my mom doesn't mind if it's just in the family. I've asked her on numerous occasions what horrible things she would do for a Klondike Bar (murder, taking seductive photos of old men, etc.) and she just laughs. I think she's just huge on guys-should-always-say-nice-things-to-girls. She is kinda old-fashioned in that regard, but I liker it that way. I know we'll certainly tone it down around my mom and family and such, just like we do for his mom (we don't even know how his mom would take it, but we tone it down anyway). The only time we'll be our true selves is when no one else is around who would care. One of her big things was asking that when we have kids (which we plan to in a few years), will we be like that around them and teach them the same? My answer was: Yes, because that's how he and I show our love to each other, and when you hear us actually talking, you can feel the love, and kids need to know their parents love each other. And yes, we won't mind if they use names in jest as long as they're not too crude and that they understand they are only to be used with people from whom you have consent.

That's definitely the plan. You'll have to wait about forty to sixty years, though. And we may be living in NZ, so you can just hop over and witness it. I'll have a shaved head and he'll have his hair styled after Heihachi at that time. Actually, we'll be living in our Scottish castle by that time...

Ask our friends!

Well said. I think it's just that those people are quite old-fashioned in the sense of believing there are definite things guys should do for girls, and calling her a hairy butt isn't one of them to them. My friend's the type of girl who would sit around for years waiting for a guy to make a move. She also thought it weird that I was the one who asked him out and that we both pay for dates (like he'll pay for it all one date and I'll pay for it all the next).

Haha, I should say that the next time my mom says something.

I know, right? Americans are crazy; I feel left out amongst my own people. Most couples I see will get all tensed up and angry if their significant other ever said to them "We're breaking up," as a joke, and he and I throw that around all the time if the other says something dumb (we've never broken up, though, obviously). But hey, that works for them, I guess... I would just find that kinda boring.

1. Your family do not know him, and therefore can't soundly give at advice.
2. You are clearly happy together.
3. Teasing your partner in a relationship is common and normal.


DONE, NEXT

To answer your question: Its whatever you make of it. Furthermore, who cares what people think?

Along you don't call each other in public those words I see no problem . Unless in NZ it is totally acceptable to call significant others names . I have never been to NZ but New Zealanders but I am guessing they are sassy.

I don't see what the fuss is about. I always used to insult my friends!

Unfortunately I don't have any friends left to insult any more