Dremora's Den

Post » Fri Feb 18, 2011 9:49 pm

Yep this is my first one, just something I decided to do in my spare time. My sister's the writer in the family, but I've been wanting to write a short story for awhile now, and I'm finally getting around to it. I'll be posting it up in parts as I write them, so please don't flip out telling me that there aren't any Dremora's in it.
Been playing a lot of Monster's Den lately, (neat little turn-based dungeon crawler game I found online, it's free to play, check it out sometime) and was really inspired from the game for my fanfic. Anyway, I hope at least some people will read it, and hopefully enjoy it. Anyway, I'd love to hear any feedback on how you like it, suggestions, mistakes I've made, whatever, it's just for fun and to pass the time while I wait on spring to show up.
--- (The indent doesn't seem to be working for some reason? Anyway, I'd space the paragraphs to compensate for the lack of indentation, but I'm just going to leave it for now unless it becomes a big problem for everyone.)


DREMORA'S DEN

Part 1 : The Ruins

Bryodon entered the ruined fort through the main gate. It was a large fortress, filled with secret tunnels, trap doors, side passages, monsters and even more fearsome, a large marauding war party. It was that very party that Bryodon had come face to face with.

The door creaked sharply as it moved, revealing Bryodon's shape to three marauders that were standing guard at the entrance. Two were Dark Elves, both clad in heavy armor wielding bows with steel arrows. In the center of them stood a tall Redguard, draqed in Orcish armor and grasping a giant Elven crafted claymore. He snarled as Bryodon stepped forward. Their eyes stared upon him. A man of average height and weight, his Imperial face hidden behind a helmet of metal. He seemed like a machine, just steel moving without hesitation. A blood-red plume sprouted from the top of his helmet, which seemed to be the only coloration upon his attire. In his right hand he grasped a Silver longsword, which flickered in the torch's lighting. His left arm carried a large tower shield, strong and sturdy, a perfect reflection of the character that stood before them.

The Redguard stepped forward in a challenging fashion, as the Dark Elves readied their arrows.

"Sorry stranger, but this ruin is off limits. It belongs to Halfgerd Crow-Wing now." The Redguard paused for a second, turning to one of his Dunmer companions then back to Bryodon. "You know what? I don't much feel like giving you a second chance today. I like that armor."

Two arrows shot straight towards Bryodon, and were met head on by his shield. They smashed into it, falling to the floor. Drawing his sword, Bryodon lunged forward, sending the fine piece of Silver straight into the chest of the first Dunmer. The elf let out only half a scream before collapsing to the floor. The second Dunmer pulled another arrow from his quiver and fired it, only to have it again reflect off of the sturdy shield of Bryodon. The second Dark Elf met the same fate as the first, as his limp body settled upon the cold stone floor in a pool of warm blood.

The Redguard charged toward Bryodon, raising the claymore high above his head and brought it down hard upon the shield of Bryodon. As it struck, the blade glanced off to the right, and Bryodon brought the shield up hard against his enemies body. The Redguard was knocked off of his feet, and flew back upon the ruin's bottom. Bryodon walked slowly in a ghostly march towards the downed Redguard. There was no hesitation in his movement, no sign of human emotion. He brought his blade upon the Redguard's heaving chest, coldly pointing it at the marauder's heart.

"Please," begged the guard, " just.." he gasped for air as his breathing quickened. "Don't kill me. I'll get you whatever you want.. money, armor, weapons. Anything! I'll take you to Halfgerd himself! Please, I beg you!"

Bryodon was as still as a statue. He didn't flinch. He didn't speak. The cold stare of his emotionless helmet was the last thing the Redguard ever saw. Like a sudden flash of light, the blade shot down through the air, slicing into the Orcish cuirass of the Redguard, piercing his heart. He let out a small gasp of air, a look of horror frozen upon his face. A second later, and he was lifeless. Bryodon brought the blade out of the dead man's chest cavity and whipped it through the air. Blood sprayed off and splashed the ruin walls. Sheathing his sword, Bryodon continued forward.

- - -
"Sal Salla, Fortuun De Alvensei!" A ball of flame errupted and spiraled into the charging skeleton. It flew apart in a grand fashion as the bones bounced against the walls, making a distinct clinking noise as they hit the stone.

"I love that sound. Excellent shot Faramoor."

Two Bretons stood in the now vacant room. Around them lied a sporadic pile of bone and iron axes.

"The dead should stay dead, brother. If they can't figure that out for themselves, then I shall teach them." Faramoor smirked as he pulled his robe down from his chest. "Took a bit of a hit back there."

Helsenus approached him with haste. "How bad is it?" He studied the wound with a concerned look draqed across his face. Faramoor said nothing, but sighed in pain as Helsenus wiped the blood away. "Hold still. Resta Curi, Oden Del Helleth." A blue light shot from Helsenus' palm, and covered Faramoor's chest. It swarmed over the wound, and enclosed the gaping slash that had been torn across the man's body. Faramoor took a breath of relief as his pain started to fade.

"I suppose it's a good thing one of us decided magic was good for more than just destroying things," Helsenus poked jokingly. He was an average looking Breton, fair-skinned with rose blonde hair that ran neatly to his shoulders. A stubble beard covered his square jaw, that matched perfectly with a strong nose and light blue eyes. He was covered in steel plate, except for his hands and head, and carried a sturdy looking mace in his right hand.

Faramoor shook his head and smiled. "I never said it couldn't be used for other purposes. I just said they weren't fun." His appearance was drastically different. He had black, wild hair that curved around his face and shot down past his shoulders. A messy, short goatee covered his lower face, and his dark brown eyes were hidden under thick black eyebrows. He was wrapped in a flowing black cloak, and held a large wooden staff that twisted and warped in an ominous fashion. The Breton brothers looked like a very odd pair to anyone they came across, but no one could deny, they worked extremely well together.

"So," started Helsenus, "which way do we go now?" They had entered the fort ruin from a side passage, purposely avoiding the guarding marauder party, but instead found themselves entangled in a jungle of undead.

Faramoor raised his hand into the air. "Deten Lifious," he chanted smoothly. Purple sparks bounced off the wall in front him, pacing back in forth in front of his eyes in a limping display. "Well.. there's more undead in the side chamber. I suppose we should head that way. Can't imagine we're going to find it in an empty room. That would be too easy, wouldn't it?"

Helsenus chuckled. "Yes, I suppose it would be. Side chamber it is. Try not to get hit this time."
- - -
Alsien slid swiftly down the hill of dirt into the pillar's shadow. She moved with an elven grace, silently stepping through the darkness. Her leather boots dug into the sand and she slowed her pace. Her eyes darted back and forth through the black. She had seen it moving, but the cave offered little lighting. Should've brought a potion of nighteye, she thought to herself. The creature appeared to be standing still now, completely unaware of her presence.

She drew the arrow out from her quiver, nocking it in her bowstring, and pulled it back in one smooth motion. A smile swept across her face and she let out a short breath of air as she released the arrow from her fingertips. It shot through the darkness like a bat in the night sky, piercing the goblin's skull and sinking deep into the creatures brain. The shadow fell hard against the cavern floor in a familiar THUD.

Alsien crawled forward towards the goblin's lifeless body. She admired the clean, accurate shot. It wasn't easy to pull off in such a blinding darkness. She had been tracking the creature throughout the cave for almost an hour, waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike. Unfortunately for the goblin, she had found it. She pressed her boot down against the goblin's skull, and pulled the arrow out in a swift jerk. After wiping it off against her leather leggings, she placed it back into her quiver and started forward. She was at the end of the room, but it was still dark, and she could barely see a thing. Placing her hands against the cold cavern wall, she began to feel around. Her nails dug into the soil as she continued searching for it. Finally, her left hand came to rest on a wooden plank that was jutting out from the dirt. Lifting her right hand directly above it, she found another, and began to ascend up the wall. Several more planks up, she had reached the cavern ceiling, and began to push with all her strength.

The trap door bounced repeatedly until finally, she was able to force it open. Sand rushed out into her eyes, forcing them shut momentarily. Tears streamed down her face as she wiped the dirt away with her free hand. The door creaked as it came to rest on the stone floor, and Alsien managed her way up out of the cavern. Emerging from the pit in the floor, she found herself in the lower levels of a ruined fort. It was lit well with torches, a refreshing sight after the tedious crawl through the blackened cavern. The flame gave view to Alsien's face. Her cool brown hair shined as it swept down and around her pointed ears, gracefully collecting behind her head into a long ponytail. Her green eyes sparkled as they met the light. She had a thin, convex face that was very common among Wood Elves.

Looking around the ruins for a second more, she started making her way quietly down the hall of stone.
- - -
"I've got him." A steel mace hurried through the air and smashed into the head of a stumbling zombie. It let out a groan as its face caved in violently. Blood sprayed through the air, and Helsenus stared down at the rotting corpse in satisfaction. "Now that was a good strike, wouldn't you say?"

Faramoor stepped over the motionless zombie bodies in disgust. "Yeah, yeah great. Can you see the door yet?" He pulled his robes as he moved, trying to avoid the blood that covered the room's floor.

Helsenus walked forward, kicking the bodies aside as he moved. "Yes, it's just over here. Quickly now."

"I've no desire to stay here, the smell is terrible," Faramoor said as he quickened his pace. The two Bretons made their way across the room. Bones and flesh of the undead covered the floor like grass patches. The room was very large, and it had not been easy clearing it out. They managed it however, and were almost to the final chamber of the ruin.

"See, here it is." Helsenus stepped up to the wooden door and peered through the cracks. "Shh, there's someone in there," he whispered.

Faramoor stepped up behind him, resting his hand on Helsenus' shoulder and peering through the door himself. "Yeah, that's a big one. Probably a Nord." He paused for a second and ran his tongue over his teeth. "I'm sure he's not too bright, we can probably convince him to just give it to us."

Helsenus frowned as his eyes darted over to Faramoor. "Yeah, excellent plan," he started sarcastically. Faramoor shot an annoyed look back at him.
"Just go in swinging, I'll hit him with fire. Shouldn't be a problem."

Helsenus gripped his mace tightly in his hand. "Fine. Just don't miss, he doesn't look too friendly."

"Who do you think you're talking to," snarled Faramoor.

Helsenus rolled his eyes. "Okay, on the count of three. One.. Two.. Three!" He threw the door open and dashed forward, bringing the mace back up over his head. Faramoor was close behind him, waiting to get within distance. As if already aware of their presence, the Nord sprinted backwards into a small room, slamming the door behind him. The sound of clinking locks followed, and Helsenus pounded his fist against the large iron door. "This is just great," he yelled in an angry tone.

Faramoor slowly walked up to meet him. "You were too slow, I could've gotten away too. You really should eat less, you're getting out of shape."

Helsenus turned back at him annoyed. "All this coming from a guy who can't even stand up in this armor. Can we focus on getting the door open please?"

Faramoor examined the iron door. He ran his hand up and down the seal and closed his eyes, whispering inaudible chants.
"I'll need a scroll. Grab the pack."

Helsenus dropped their brown travel bag to the ground, and Faramoor began to rummage through it. He pulled out item after item, muttering and tossing them onto the ruin floor. "Won't need this... Or this... That's expendable.. Why on earth did you bother to keep this? You've got to be joking... Garabage, junk..."

Helsenus let out a sigh, and began tapping his foot impatiently. "You're picking all of that back up."

"Oh I am, am I? I'm not the one that decided it would be important to kee.."

"Shh," Helsenus said, interrupting Faramoor. "Did you hear that?"

The two brothers turned around to find another, smaller, iron door behind them. They could hear sounds of metal clanking together. The noise grew louder and closer. It began to sound as if a battle where being fought on the other side of the door. The brothers simultaneously inched forward. Suddenly the noise stopped.

"Well that was weird," whispered Faramoor.
- - -
The small door swung open in a flash as a heavily armored Orc crashed into the room, landing on his back. Faramoor jumped back in surpise, nearly tripping over his own feet. Helsenus readied his mace, peering into the dark doorway. The orc laid dead at their feet, it's neck sliced and oozing blood. A metallic figure walked through the door, and stopped as it's eyes met the sight of the two Breton brothers.

Faramoor stepped up closer, peering at the armored man. "So I guess you're not a marauder. Well, or you're a traitor. Or maybe just angry."

"Shut up please," snapped Helsenus. He eyed the man cautiously. "You there, adventurer I'm guessing? If you are here for the amulet we mean you know harm. We are here to retrieve it, not to guard it. However, we were here first, and while I'm sure you had your hands full coming in through the main gate, I think it's only fair that you leave now."

Bryodon didn't move. He didn't speak. A worried expression crept across Helsenus' face, and Faramoor took a step backwards.

"So.. then.." Helsenus continued, "What say you?"

"You're in my way," Bryodon muttered.

Faramoor stumbled forward. "We'll split the reward with you. There's a big Nord in the next room anyway, I'm guessing he's got the amulet. Some back up support couldn't hurt. And it sure beats us fighting each other for it. I mean, there's two of us anyway, surely you don't want to have to fight us as well."

Bryodon gripped the handle of his sword. "Wouldn't make much of a difference to me."
- - -
The hallway spanned on forever. Each narrow room connected with another section, every one an almost perfect clone of the previous. Luckily for Alsien, there wasn't much in her way to put up resistance to her progress. There had been the occasional rat or two, but nothing that caused her any trouble. Nearly half an hour had passed, and she found her self in the final room. Once again, another ladder led up to a higher floor. She climbed her way up, and easily unlocked the hatch above her head. She smiled as she placed her lockpick back into her belt.

The hatch opened, revealing yet again another dark room. She could just barely see more in this room than in the cavern. "Just perfect," she muttered. Silently shutting the hatch, she started to make her way across the tiny room. Specks of dim light emerged from several crevices in a wooden door. She peered through, seeing nothing but ruin wall. Pushing the door open gently, it felt as if the wood would disintegrate in her fingertips. She ran her hand along the ruin wall, following it as it twisted and turned through a dark corridor. She heard soft voices ringing through the passageway. Crouching down, she slowly crept up around the corner. The passage had led to a larger room, this one distinguishingly better lit. She kept her back against the stone wall and peered around the corner. She saw two men standing in front of a large iron door. One dressed in a shining armor, mace readied in his hand. The other, which was standing a bit further back, was wrapped in dark robes, holding a wooden staff in one hand. A bag laid behind them on it's side, spilling out all sorts of alchemical ingredients. Directly in front of them laid a heavily armored body. Squinting her eyes, she managed to make out what appeared to be a fallen Orc. She looked back up at the two men. They appeared to be talking to someone.

Shifting her view, she gazed across to the other side of the room. In a narrow doorway stood a man, completely covered in a heavy armor from head to toe. He carried a giant shield and stood as still as stone. A shiver shot down her spine and she gripped her dagger. Creeping forward, she began to close the distance between herself and the three men, while sticking to the shady wall. As she crept closer she managed to make out several distinct words. Amulet... beats us fighting.. wouldn't make much of a difference.
They're here for the amulet too, she thought to herself. Well, at least they're not marauders.
- - -
Helsenus inhaled heavily through his nostrils. "We're not leaving here without it warrior. Either you're with us or against. The call is yours, but make it quick, we have work to do." He extended his hand out, as if to be shaken. Easing his mace arm, he left himself exposed to any potential attack from Bryodon.

Faramoor's eyes widened in disbelief. "You're crazy," he whispered to Helsenus.

Bryodon loosened his hand's grip from the sword handle, and walked towards the brothers. He stopped just short of Helsenus, who still had his arm extended. Faramoor crept slowly up beside his brother, both hands nervously gripping his mage's staff. Bryodon stood for a moment, arms at his sides. He observed the Bretons from behind his helmet. Faramoor's eyebrows raised in confusion, and his mouth opened slightly as his gaze shifted towards Helsenus.

"So wha..", Faramoor started.

Bryodon's arm ascended as his hand grabbed Helsenus' extended palm. He shook it firmly, nodding his head forward ever so slightly, still refusing to speak. Helsenus returned the handshake with a smile and another nod.

"Great, we don't have to kill each other. Can we go now please," moaned Faramoor.

"Not just yet, gentleman", a cool and strange voice spoke.

The surprising new voice made Faramoor jump once more, tripping over his robe and throwing him off balance. Bryodon, unaffected by the words that seemingly came from nowhere, grabbed Faramoor's arm, keeping the wizard on his feet. Helsenus turned to find a young Bosmer woman emerge from the shadows.

"I overheard your little discussion just now boys. I hate to break it to you, but I'm here for that amulet as well, and I want my fair share of the loot. I didn't travel all this way to go home empty handed."

Helsenus smiled uncomfortably. "Well.. I suppose one more won't make much of a.."

"Are you kidding me? We're just going to let her walk in here and take more of the reward too? We already have to split it three ways. Why don't we just give away all the gold to every beggar we run across." Faramoor pulled his robe around his neck, readjusting the collar. "No, no, no. I'm sorry miss, we were here first, and we already have enough people as it is."

"Calm down Faramoor," Helsenus started. "Be reasonable. It's obvious she's not leaving, and we can't just kill her."

"I can," Bryodon said in a deep, calm voice. Helsenus looked at him with concern.
Bryodon returned the look. "Wouldn't be hard to do."

Alsien smiled slyly as she eyed Bryodon. "What a gentleman. Listen, I have something to bring to the table. I'm an excellent shot with this bow. Like you said, it wouldn't hurt to have some back up support. Besides, the reward's plenty big for the four of us."

Faramoor sneered.

"Don't mind him," Helsenus said. "We'd be glad to have you, miss?"

"Alsien," she said as she shook Helsenus' hand.

"I'm Helsenus, the crusader. This is my brother Faramoor, the wizard."

She nodded at Faramoor, who rolled his eyes and sighed. "Charming fellow." She turned her attention to Bryodon. "And you are?" Helsenus and Faramoor both turned to him, also curious of their new companions name.

"Bryodon."

"Right, Bryodon. Okay then, has anyone located the amulet yet," Alsien asked.
- - -
"There's really no need for that, I have a scroll in here somewhere," Faramoor said as he flipped through the stack of papers.

"Would you be quiet please," Alsien snapped as she continued to adjust the pick in the door's lock.
Helsenus was crouched down behind her, peering over her shoulder as she worked.

"I think I heard it click. Is that good?"

Alsien nodded. "Yes, I almost have it."

"Really, I can get it open in a second, just as soon as I find that scroll. You're wasting your time trying to open it that way, it won't work," Faramoor muttered. Bryodon uncrossed his arms and tapped Faramoor on the shoulder, who looked up to see Helsenus smiling, and the door wide open. Alsien placed the pick back into her belt and stood up, rubbing her hands together. She smiled at Faramoor.

"Well.. you're picking all of this stuff up", the wizard snarled.
- - -
The party of companions continued through the iron door. Bryodon was in the front, shield raised and sword ready. Helsenus was close behind him to his right, mace raised up, carrying a torch in his off-hand. Alsien followed, directly behind Bryodon with her bow lowered. Faramoor crept alongside her, deciding instead to follow behind his brother.

"He's in here somewhere," started Helsenus, "and he has the amulet, I'm sure of it." The rumbling of stones caused the party to turn their attention to the center of the chamber. It was dark, and Helsenus raised the torch to shed light in the direction of the noise. Suddenly, several torches sparked all around them, revealing the gigantic room to the group. A raised wall ran around the front of the chamber. Six iron gates dotted the lower half of the level, where the group stood, observing their surroundings.

"Looks like a trap," Alsien stated. Bryodon readied his sword, twirling the blade through the air slightly.

"Up there," Helsenus pointed. A tall Nord man dressed in heavy armor and a light tan robe walked out onto the upper level. He had a large battleaxe in his right hand. Raising his left hand, he revealed a shining amulet that sparkled in tones of blue.

"Greetings friends. I am Halfgerd Crow-Wing. It's quite an accomplishment you've made, getting all the way here. You've come for this I assume?" He nodded at the amulet, and turned his gaze back upon the adventurers. "I'm sorry, but this amulet is mine. And you, you are all unwelcomed guests in my fortress. You are guilty of trespassing, and for that, you must all die."

"Come down here and fight us coward, your threats don't scare us," shouted Faramoor.

"Quiet, I hear something," whispered Helsenus.

Faramoor laughed. "Oh come on brother. He's an overgrown barbarian. Let's just have his head and be done with it."

The six gates of iron opened simultaneously, and from them poured out several marauder warriors, all clad in heavy armor, carrying battle axes, claymores and warhammers.

"Okay.. I did not expect that," Faramoor gulped.

"I told you it was a trap," sighed Alsien.

"These men are my bodyguards," Halfgerd started. "They haven't gotten to kill anything in quite some time, so I'm going to let them have a little fun. I don't even care if they make a mess." He looked down at the marauder group. "Gentlemen.. begin." There were over a dozen of them, and they roared as they charged toward the adventurers.

"Get behind me," Bryodon said in a calm voice. Without hesitation, the other three followed his command.

"Faramoor, we're going to need a lot of lightning," instructed Helsenus. "Alsien, wait for them to stagger off of Bryodon's shield, you'll get an excellent opening." Alsien nodded, drawing an arrow.
"This should help your cause," Helsenus said. He raised his hand up upon Bryodon's shoulder. "Alvaseous Sihieldos". A whirl of purple lighting wrapped around Bryodon's body, creating a magical barrier between him and the charging maruaders. "Here we go."

The first marauder brought his claymore down hard on Bryodon's shield. It bounced off, allowing Helsenus to crush the man's ribcage with his mace. The second man swung his axe at Helsenus, but Bryodon brought his shield up to catch the blow just in time. The axe bounced away wildly, causing the man to stagger back in recoil. Alsien released the arrow, and it pierced the man's skull, dropping him to the chamber floor.

"My turn," shouted Faramoor. "Elecestrious Ava Deiiri Strionous!" A wild blaze of electricity shot from his fingertips, spreading around the room in a crackle of light. The marauder's stopped right in their tracks. One fell over, screaming as he hit the ground. A few dropped their weapons, throwing their hands up over their ears and eyes, howling out in pain. Alsien fired arrow after arrow, hitting each man squarely in the chest. They dropped to their knees are keeled over as blood rushed from out of their wounds. Only a few were left standing, weapons still readied. Bryodon raised his sword into the air and roared, surprising his companions in the unusual change of character. He charged at the first maruader, overwhelming the man with the thrust of his shield. He sank his blade deep into the man's stomach, who dropped his weapon and fell over, screaming in pain. The other marauders all charged at Bryodon, crashing their weapons down upon his shield.

"Come on, we have to help," yelled Helsenus. He charged forward, bringing his mace back behind his head and swinging it forward with all of his might. "Haa!" The mace crashed into the face of the first marauder, spraying blood as it struck.

Alsien charged forward, dagger drawn, and lept through the air, bringing the blade down hard into the neck of another guard. She grabbed the man and stabbed him repeatedly. She dropped him as the man fell to the floor, blood draining out of the several gashes in his flesh. Only one marauder remained, who was already retreating to the iron gates.

"And where do you think you're going," Faramoor hissed. Shouting out another spell, he pushed his hands together hard as a ball of fire errupted from his outstretched reach. The ball hurled across the room and struck the fleeing marauder, engulfing him in a giant red flame. He let out a howl of pain as his skin boiled and charred. "Dirty mongrel," Faramoor snickered. The group of adventurers gathered in the center of the chamber and peered up at the Nord man, who was left standing in complete disbelief.

"Well, I guess we have to find a way up to him now," Helsenus said.

"No we don't." Alsien nocked an arrow in her bow with lightning speed, drew the string back, and let the arrow loose towards the target. Unable to react at all, the Nord could only watch for the brief second as the arrow soared up in the air towards him. It punctured his armor and found it's place of rest in the center of the man's cuirass. His jaw dropped as he tried to mutter words, but could find none. Falling forward, he dropped over the ledge and crashed to the chamber floor.

"Now that was a nice shot," Helsenus exclaimed.
- - -
The adventurers piled loot together as they neared the front of the fort's entrance. The amulet that they had all ventured there for, hung tightly around the neck of Helsenus.

"Okay, so we split everything up four ways," asked Faramoor.

"I killed more," muttered Bryodon.

"Hey, you guys wouldn't have even made it into the chamber without me," Alsien remarked. "Plus, I killed Halfgerd. I think I should get more."

"I HAD A SCROLL," Faramoor shouted in anger.

"Four ways, split evenly, and the same will be with the reward for the amulet when we get back to Bravil," Helsenus commanded. Bryodon nodded, and Faramoor rolled his eyes once more.

"Fine, fine. I don't care," the wizard mumbled.

Alsien walked over to Bryodon who was anolyzing the edge of a sword he had found on one of the defeated marauders. "That was some pretty inspiring combat back there," she said in a cool voice. "You really seem to know your way around a blade." He turned and looked at her. She smiled shyly as her eyes dashed towards the floor.

"Okay," he muttered in an unamused tone, and turned back to observing the newly acquired blade. She let out an annoyed puff of air, then rolled her eyes and smirked, turning back to her share of the loot to sort out what she wanted to take back to the city.

"I think I've got all I need. Everyone good?" Helsenus eyed over the group. Alsien smiled, her arms full of filled coinpurses, poison bottles, and arrow quivers. Faramoor let out a troubled "yeah" as his arms struggled to maintain his staff, along with a large selection of potions, scrolls and enchanted jewelry. Helsenus' eyes landed upon Bryodon, who had only the new sword in his hand, his old silver sword laying on the fort floor.

"That all you're taking Bryodon," Helsenus asked. Bryodon nodded. "Uh.. okay then," Helsenus replied in a confused manner. "Alright everyone, let's head out. If we hurry, we can be back in time for a warm supper."
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Susan
 
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Joined: Sun Jun 25, 2006 2:46 am

Post » Fri Feb 18, 2011 11:56 pm

Hello Bryodon! Great day for a fanfic, I just read through the first couple paragraphs and here is what I got so far.

First thing, spacing. Generally you want to space out your text in to little five sentence paragraphs. Also, you may want to try starting a new paragraph every time there is dialogue. I'm sure any number of people on here would tell you how much it svcks to read a wall of text. Not to say it's not legible, but it just makes it harder to read, easier for your readers to get lost. And the last thing you want is for your readers to get frustrated.

So space it out.

no sign of human reaction
.

Reaction or emotion? Word choice is an important of writing a story, it's hard to find a word for everything, that can fit. But in this case, I think emotion would do better. Be careful when choosing words.
Suddenly, the longsword plunged into the marauder's heart, ending his life.


Once again, do you want to start that sentence with "Suddenly"? You just built up this image of a Redguard begging for his life, and ended it with one word. Doesn't that seem anti-climatic to you. Maybe something like "the steaming blood dripped onto the stone, the silver longsword had just erupted from his back, the shocked look on the Redguard's face was one that would stay till death."

Maybe my example isn't so great, but I would like to think that scenes like that shouldn't be brought to a rapid halt, you know what I mean?

Other than that, I think you did a great job, but spacing would help me read it more clearly. Anyway, nice work my friend.

Good Luck.
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Motionsharp
 
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Joined: Sun Aug 06, 2006 1:33 am

Post » Sat Feb 19, 2011 11:23 am

Thanks for the advice. Yeah, I had it all spaced out very nicely in Wordpad, but when I transferred it over, that all went away. I guess I'll have to spend some time and try to fix everything on there.
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Lew.p
 
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Joined: Thu Jun 07, 2007 5:31 pm

Post » Sat Feb 19, 2011 6:40 am

hello sir, i see you are writing a fanfic. its god so far, but i suggest using more description, both with the environment and with the characters. i like :)
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Mistress trades Melissa
 
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Joined: Mon Jun 19, 2006 9:28 pm

Post » Sat Feb 19, 2011 1:54 am

Thanks, I'll try and do so with the next section.

Like I said, I was just doing it for fun, whipped that up in an hour or two the other night. Guess I can try and push the writing more as I go on with the story.
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Bryanna Vacchiano
 
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Post » Sat Feb 19, 2011 4:56 am

Thanks, I'll try and do so with the next section.

Like I said, I was just doing it for fun, whipped that up in an hour or two the other night. Guess I can try and push the writing more as I go on with the story.

nah dont worry about that. write for yourself. not others
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Alycia Leann grace
 
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