bepop, the enclave existed as a secret government wing, Eden's age is unknown, I think Eden is a very advanced robobrain, the pimp of robobrains if you will
reaver: heard of a stungin before? darts? birdshot? blank rounds? dude come on

For all you people who read this but don't reply, heres chp3


III
Objective: Megaton's Funeral
Well, I didn't die, but I hit water at about 70mph, so yes, it [censored] hurt. I saw a glint in the water, so, still holding my breath, I swam down, and grabbed: Power Armor! Mine. Of course, the one I ditched. I climbed to the surface of the radiated water. Guards were dashing across the bridge firing at me. I returned, jamming my rifle in the process.

"Damn,"

MY laser rifle always got jammed but I didn't know how to fix this one. I threw it down, and started running.

Now I'm sure everybody has had to run a lot sometime in their life, but this WAS extreme beyond all measures. I ran up the entire coast of the ruins all the way to the Super-Duper Mart. Now, that was about a 10-mile run, and I had never felt so tired, but I had to keep going. I headed northwest, for that was the direction Raven Rock was in, the far NW corner of the Wastes.

Soon, I came upon a giant town with a robot standing guard at the front, and a sniper post at the top. I went inside the town and I saw a black man, apparently the mayor of the town, Lucas Simms.

"Good Jesus! Another one of you power armored freaks comes crawling into this town!" he said rudely.

" No, I'm with any Power Armored Clan, I just need to stay the night, for I am a? wastelander. I picked this Power Armor from a dead body."

"Well the common house is in the NW of the town, don't cause any trouble or I'll personally see to executing you myself."

Damn, everyone feels like being an ass to me, or maybe just wastelanders.

I walked into the center of the town, and a crazy man was preaching about Atom or something. The town was cleverly crafted out of a crater with pieces of debris fitted to make walkways, shops and homes. One of these shops was Moriarty's Saloon. I entered, and immediately saw many strange things. A Ghoul, a hoker, and Irish drunkard, and a shady character that looked like he meant business. First, I walked over to the shady character

" Hello, I am Mr. Burke. It seems you come from the outside of this wretched town. How would you like to help destroy these filthy, people of Megaton?"

Right now, I was so pissed at all the people whom had been asses to me in this town and Rivet City.

"Ok" was my reply.

" Yes. Tenpenny's will is going to be done. Here take this explosive charge and meet me at Tenpenny Tower, much southwest of here. Then, we will discuss business matters."

I quickly hid the charge and walked over to Moriarty.

"Ah, another one of you power armored freaks."

Wow I can't wait to kill these people.

" Would you like a drink?" he asked.

"Yes, I'll take a whiskey."

"Don't come crawling to me when you're drunk. Here you go"

I snatched it out of his hand and went outside. Now I was thinking about how my life was going. In just two days, I had been stranded, shot at, yelled at, and watched my uncle die. It would take forever to get back to Raven Rock, even more so because I had no idea how far NW it was. Well, I can't put in the charge at 12:00 in the afternoon, and I had nothing to do for the rest of the day. I went to the common house and slept, simple as that


Yet again, any lore mistakes I will try to fix.

space it out
llike this
As i yelled at matthew, I began to look at johnny, laughing as matthew was ridiculed. I quickly smacked johnny in the face, making his huge head pop open, spilling heroine needles and pizza everywhere. I walked to my mother, waiting for me in her car.

I climbed into the backseat, looking at the cupholder, vanilla shake. "MOOOOOOOM! I didnt say vaniiiiiiiiiiiilla!!!!! Go and get a neeeeeeeeeeeeew ooooone!" I glanced at my hands. they were short and like white sausages. I had become johnny!

like that, but better spelling and grammar

ummmmmm strangely familiar

"[Censored]"

I had slipped on the metal staircase leading to the town's center, nobody could see me putting the charge in or I'll be shot. I crept slowly to the bomb, and inserted the charge. Since I would be running again I might need a weapon, I thought. When I walked out of the town, caravaners were out. Well, I chucked a grenade in their direction.

I thought it was a dud, because after 20 seconds it still hadn't exploded, but when the caravan guard picked it up, the explosion melted his face instantly. After I finished watching people blow up I ran over and grabbed the guard's Chinese assault rifle, and the caravan's wares. My Power Helmet had a map built into it, so a green arrow marked the Tower's direction.

All through the night, I trudged through rock and debris till I got to Robco's facility building. At that time it was about 3:00 in the morning. Suddenly a Deathclaw had rushed out of nowhere, and swiped at me. The Enclave made these creatures, how could it not understand not to attack. I was certain he was going to take off my arm, and he did, but then the beast turned into ashes. I looked to where the blast came, and apparently it was another Enclave Soldier wielding a weird gun that looked like it came out of some old ass Alien cartoon. He holstered it, and walked in my direction,

"Hello friend, are you an abandoned Enclave too?"

" No, my Vertibird exploded at the Memorial. Autumn was my uncle, he was a [censored] [censored] too."

" Wow, what a story, I'm Tyrannis, we should stay together just in case. We'll spend the night at Tenpenny's, before we head out tomorrow."

" Sounds good."

walked towards the Tower, not far away. There was a ghoul yelling at the intercom to get in, but the guard shouted that he couldn't let filthy zombies like him in. Fortunately for us, we weren't ghouls so we got in without any yelling.

Inside the lobby, we found the elevator that said "Penthouse" so we took it up. A guard sat at the entrance to Tenpenny's suite.

" Hey, you can't go in without an appointment, so back the [censored] off."

I was just about to protest when I heard a voice;

" It's Ok, there here with me to settle business."

I turned around to see Mr. Burke.

"No words, talk later,"

he said. We followed him outside to the balcony, where Alistair Tenpenny resided.

"Ahh, Burke, you have returned with good news I hope."

"Yes, this boy has put the charge in the bomb, and now he will push the switch to activate it."

He handed me the detonator, and I held my finger over the button, I couldn't decide.

" Do it!" commanded Burke.

Now I swear this is what happened. I threw the detonator down, and grabbed Burke's shirt. I hoisted him over the balcony and let the strangling man go. He fell like a rock down into the courtyard.

" Now there was no need for that," exclaimed Tenpenny.

" Step back,"
I said to Tyrannis. I dashed forward and tossed a grenade into Tenpenny's robe.

" You bastard." Then he exploded.

The rest of Chp.3 obviously its not an eye-catching story so any sugesstions would be helpful. The next chp covers Tenpenny's story about the 5 people sent to get t51-b armor, sortof described in the quest "you gotta shoot 'em in the head"

Hey, I'm back from my "vacation" if you know what I mean. Anyway, your fan fic is good enough for a newbie but there is some room for improvement.
sorry for the short reply, I'm still busy right now

Dude, the story is ok, but when you write other things i dont understand G.E.C.K.

All good critism my friends. The next chapters pretty long so itll be posted over a few days

IV
Objective: T51-B
I stared at the remains of Tenpenny. The explosion had not attracted many eyes up to the balcony otherwise I would have heard shouting and screaming. I forgot about Burke? I quickly glanced over the balcony and saw many angry faces looking up, directly into my darkened face. "We, have to move!" I whirled around and shouted to Tyrannis, " Get into the Suite!"

I opened the door, and the guard was right there. I didn't have time to react so I ran out of the way, and into the bedroom. I heard a shot, and Tyrannis had shot the guard down.

He rushed into the chamber, but by the door, so nobody could ambush us. I checked out the terminal, and it was chock full of information. Dates overfilled the screen, and there were at least five pages of writing. I made sure none were looking. The first date was March 26, 2247, almost twenty years ago! It entitled: My Secret Information.

Entry: March 26,2247
Today I have finally received my information about the fabled military equipment from the Liberation of Alaska. The brand is T51-b and it is a prototype, fully articulated endo-skeletal personal protection outfit. I must acquire this piece of technology for any profit, or certain intelligence. I will contact 5 people I have heard about very well in the past two years: Dave, Dukov, Crowley, Jeff Strayer, and Tara Fields. Tara I might have a problem with because she was a Raider a few months back.

Never the less, I have hired them as mercs, not their specific group. They should be here in about a week, and I will ask them to keep a journal according to their findings.
End Entry:
I finished reading the entry, and I realized that Tenpenny had something to hide, and so did those mercs... I continued on.

First part of Chp4 is here there will be five, each the journal of each of the mercs.

DAVE
Entry: April 2, 2247
I arrived at Tenpenny Tower today, and it was even more enormous then Allistair had described it. Apparently, the man wasn't too proud of his work. I entered the lobby, and went up the elevator. Tenpenny was here. "Ahh, the first one, come in, come in. He directed me to his chamber and sat me down at a table.

10 minutes passed, three others arrived, Jeff, Dukov, and Crowley. We were talking about the mission, and a raider walks in. "Dammit, shoot her!" said Dukov. I pulled out my rifle, Ol' Painless, and prepared a shot. "Wait, stop! I am part of the mission!" she yelled.
Tenpenny rushed in, " Don't, she really is. Her name is Tara Fields, but she is an ex-raider. Now, a helicopter will take you too a place call Fort Constantine. There you will find a suit of armor called T51-b.

Kill anyone who tries to take it except you. When you succeed or fail, you will contact me in ten days. That is when the helicopter comes to pick you up. Any aid, or ammo you will have to find there. Understood?"
We all stared at each other and nodded, " Yes sir." " Good, the helicopter will be here by the time you get down to the courtyard."
End Entry.

Entry: April 3, 2247
We arrived that day at Fort C., and I never felt so scared in my entire life. Men in metal suits patrolled the perimeter of the facility, but luckily the plane dropped is off about a mile away from it. We approached from the SW and climbed down the rocky surface. Crowley had a Sniper and took out the guard on the top of the building.

"Hey!" a guard turned around and fired at us. We returned but missed. More kept coming and shooting, so we hid behind the building. I slowly turned my head around the building corner just in time to see a sniper bullet skim my hairline.
I spotted another building adjacent to the one I was hiding behind. I turned to Strayer and Dukov; " I'm making a run for it. While their distracted take out as many as you can. Crowley, get the Sniper."

I took a death breath and dashed across the lot in a zigzag motion. Many shots ran by me, including the Sniper's, but I was fortunate enough that they missed. I heard familiar shots coming from my teammates, and heard groans of pain.
As I reached the building, I turned and saw many dead bodies on the lot.

I must have looked too long, because the Sniper got me in the arm. "God [censored] Crowley! I looked again more slowly, and I saw the Sniper looking at me through his scope. " My life is over." I thought. I waited for it to end, but his head flew off his body with a bloody trail along with it. I looked more closely and I saw Tara waving at me. " Your welcome." Sarcastically, of course. I met my other companions in the lot. Ted helped me with my arm so it didn't hurt as much.

"We should start looking," began Crowley, "in that shed over there. I've heard there can be many underground passages under facilities.
We walked over to the shed. It looked so ordinary; I didn't think that we could find anything of importance in there. Dukov was the first to open the door, and we came faced to a new creature we hadn't ever seen before, and I have seen a lot.


Dave journal I dont no if Im going to make more of Dave or start with Tara.

Its good. But, check your grammar.

K

TARA
Entry: April 3, 2247
When the helicopter dropped us off, I had some serious doubts about this mission, because everyone completely hated me. I am an ex-raider, and I don't believe their ways anymore. After my dad, Jericho, abandoned me, I had nowhere to go.

As we climbed the hill, men shot at us, and we hid behind a building, and Dave looked around the corner. A Sniper shot, and he quickly turned back, and told us a plan. He apparently left me out for a certain reason, and I was really [censored]. I formulated a plan of my own and put it into action.
I moved to the other side of the building, and crept alongside the perimeter. When I got to the shack at the far end of the facility, the mercs had already eliminated all hostiles except the Sniper.

Dave had run to the other building and was looking at the Sniper. I acted quickly, and dashed forward, pulling out my knife, and slung it asst his head. His head flew clean off, and I waved to Dave, sounding the all clear. We regrouped in the center lot, and Crowley gave us a place to look. We ran over to the shed, and Dukov opened the door. A giant robot sat inside saying, "Move along, deadly force will be used." The robot fired its laser pistol, and we hid behind the wall. Jeff jumped on the robot's back when he turned around, and dislodged its head.

"Pfft, good job," murmured Crowley. We head inside, and looked inside. It was a standard four-room house with a bunch of random junk.
"Look around for any armor," demanded Dave. We searched and searched, but we couldn't find any armor. Ted went to the window and said, "Shhhhhh, I hear something." He was right.

We all looked out the window and three more helicopters had appeared. "Move to the back," said I, " they're going to investigate here." Our group shuffled to the back, and Dave, fell down some stairs. "Dammit!" he shouted. Well, in his clumsiness, he had discovered our way out.
Apparently, there was another door down here but it required a key. We scavenged around, and Ted found a key inside a metal box. "Well, time to go deeper," he said. He put the key in the lock, and we descended into the blackness.

Tara's journal decided not to make rest of Daves yes there are grammer issues I wrote this at 12:00

JEFF
Entry April 4, 2247

We entered the door and down the stairs. My watch told me it was a new day, so it's the 4th now. We came to a small office and loaded up on ammo and aid. I heard a scuffle, and I whispered, " Keep your [censored] voices down! I'll go see what that was." I slipped down the stairs, and looked around the corner.

Floating there was a Mister Gusty, a combat robot. I looked into my ammo pouch and looked for an item. Yes! I had one. A pulse grenade, the most effective grenades against all robots. I chucked it down the hall and it landed right next to the robot. It exploded in an electric explosion, but the Mister Gusty wasn't destroyed.
"Die Commie!" it shouted, and I ran back up the stairs. I said to the others,

" Get down, the robots coming!" Crowley said, " Why don't we just shoot him."

" Cause we'll get [censored] killed!"

" Boy, I'll blow your [censored] head clean off!" came Crowley again.

Dave answered back, "Hey! We don't need your kind of [censored] here! Just hide!"

We hid behind the counter and when the robot came hovering up the stairs, we threw grenades and shot rang. " Ah! Kill the Commies! God will understand!" came the robot's reply. I had to act fast. I jumped out from behind and tried to shoot at it, but it plasmised my hand. I lost control and fell to the floor. My arm was burning as if someone had stuck the sun on my arm. I saw Tara rush forward and run her knife through the robot's combat sensor. It lost control and started shooting plasma in all directions.

I got out of the way of the blasts, and the Mister Gusty exploded into a flurry of shrapnel. I limped over to the group, holding my arm and asked, "Get me a Stimpak." Dukov gave me the medication, and a buffout.

We need to keep moving, " Dave commanded." So we did. We headed down the next flight of stairs, and the next, making sure that no hostiles were in the area. We searched for another door, or another pair of stairs, but nothing was here. I walked over to a terminal, and accessed it. There was an option that said: camera at surface.

I pressed it, and a picture of the Fort's Campus came up. Many of the soldiers were back, and they were in great numbers. I told the mercs, " Damn, if these guys come down here were totally [censored]." " Well, we'll just give them hell!" shouted Tara. We exchanged glances, and I looked back at the monitor. Another option said: Launch codes. I pressed it, and a huge alarm went off. I heard giant swooshes. Then a great tremble, like an earthquake shook the building.

We all fell to the ground and waited for the noise to stop.
When the sound was gone, we gathered ourselves, and scavenged ammo. I turned and found the stairs finally. " Hey! There they are!" I showed Dave. Crowley went first, but quickly back shouting. I knew what he was talking about. I missile was heading straight for him.

Yay! finally here. I no i didn't specify that when they came to the Fort that it was night, but I'm sure you'll forgive me!

Well I was gonna throw my two cents in with a whole lot of corrections, but as I read on, I noticed that most of the mistakes in your writing had been fixed over time.

One thing you only seem to do some of the time is separate dialogue. Every time a different person speaks, it should be a new paragraph. Additionally, make sure to check, double check, and triple check your grammar. Try reading out loud to yourself, because while it has improved, it just doesn't sound right at some points.

Will do

CROWLEY
Entry April 4, 2247

I started to run down the stairs, and I saw a giant robot staring at me. I stared back and then as soon as it fired its gatling laser I ran. I ran all the way back up, and I started shouting at the mercs that were about to follow me down. They all looked confused.
Jeff saw it first, a missile heading right towards me. He pointed and shouted at me. I turned around and froze. Dave wasn't going to let that happen though, he threw a chair directly at the projectile. It exploded, and I jumped out of the way of the shrapnel and debris.

"Thanks, owe you my life now." I said.

"Well, that's what mercs do, make sure the others stay alive." was his reply.

The robot was still firing lasers, so the talk had to wait. Since Dave had incredible strength, he started heaving monitors and CPUs at the fiend. They barely did any damage because the thing was still firing and moving towards us. We all hid behind a wall, out of the way, and loaded our weapons. We fired and fired, but still nothing happened.

Tara noticed a huge lantern right above where the robot had stopped. She started to climb one of the ladders on the walls, and hoisted herself onto the wall. The robot had now noticed her, and fired in her general direction. She dodged as she balanced herself on the wall. The monster fired another missile, and Tara jumped the farthest I've ever seen a woman jump. We all turned our heads around the corner, and watched as Tara expertly landed herself on the lantern, and pulled out her knife from her belt. She began to slice up the rope. Again a missile found its way in Tara's direction and blew the light out.

I was blind now, but I heard a monumental crash, and a loud scream from Tara.

"Yo dead now! Haha! Good job girl!" came Dukov's response.

When no reply came, Jeff cried out,

"Tara, make it out alive?"

" Yes I'm still here." Thank God, Tara's voice.

The emergency power came, on and Tara walked over to us. She had numerous cuts, and bruises, and she was limping on her left leg.

"Dammit, Fix her up, ordered Dave, being a [censored] again." I ran over and gave her stimpaks, and bandages for the wounds.

" Fill me up, I'm out of ammo." Came her only words.

We nodded, and shared our ammunition. We then continued down the stairs, and luckily, didn't encounter any hostiles. We came to another door, that needed a key, but Jeff's key didn't work. This time, Dukov found the key, under a bed. He unlocked the door, and led the mercs down the stairs. We entered a semi-long room, and heard the shrieks of ghouls. We backed up, but Tara, being the Scout now, ran forward into a hallway. We followed, but radioactive ghouls came pouring out.

Fields was caught in the middle. We tried to get to her, but too many ghouls enveloped us. They clawed and ripped and shredded, I started to fade into subconscious, and saw Dave, Dukov, and Jeff pull free,

"Help, their trying to kill me!" I shouted. They apparently didn't here me because they started to run.

I heard a grenade explode and my heart raced with anxiety. The ghouls didn't seem to be effected. They dragged me into the chamber, and I could feel the radioactivity seeping into my body systems. My thoughts started to change, and I started breathing very heavily. My body started to deteriorate, and I felt my life fading away.

I thought I was done for, but I held on. I wasn't finished in this world, and the last thing I will do is kill the men whom deserted me. I stood up, and fought off the ghouls overpowering me. I looked at the body of Tara, whom didn't hang on, she was dead. She was the only person truly kind enough to be my friend for she saved many of us. If I could have saved her I would, but it is too late. Because of my rapid change in my chemical makeup, my limbs weren't working properly. I fell down, and laid there.

As soon as my body adjusts, I will kill them. In the head.

Haha awesome last line. Okay BIG lore screw up. In all of the entries that I've posted nobodys commented that Ted is supposed to be Jeff. BUt not to worry, I will go back and fix those.
One more entry left and back to the main story! smile emoticon.



OH YEA! Space bar works now .

Not a bad story, just a few spelling and grammatical errors but otherwise enjoyable.

Make sure you space everytime a new character talks in dialogue though, it caused a little confusion while reading.

Keep at it! :thumbsup:

Thanx, more to come, and I'll keep the space thing in mind

DUKOV
Entry: April 4, 2247
When the ghouls took hold of us, my adrenaline raced, I had never felt like this before. I slugged one in the face, and another in the gut. I saw that Dave and Jeff had pulled free, and I joined with them. Dave threw one of his grenades and it exploded in the hallway. We strafed back in the hallway and closed the door behind us.

"Hey, where's Crowley?" asked Jeff

"We have to leave him behind. Besides, Tara is wasted, nothing can save him now." replied Dave.

"Still?" Jeff started.

"NO!" roared Dave, "we have to stay alive, that's all that matters now!"

I looked at my partners for a moment, and I asked,

"Can we just continue on, without the fighting?"

"Perhaps," came Dave again.

There was something else to Dave, some kind of anger and hatred that drives him. I knew I would struggle for a long time to find out what it was, but we moved along, hearing strange banging and falling.
We found ourselves walking this time, up some stairs, and found ourselves in a warehouse type place, surrounded by all sorts of junk. We walked down small stairs to reach the factory floor, and a garage door. There was a door leading outside, but as Dave reached for it, Jeff quickly grabbed it and pulled it back.

"Shhh, listen," he whispered.

We all listened in silence, and sure enough, a big clanking sound comes crashing in front of the garage door. We waited for the noise to pass, but the man did not move away. Instead:

"Hey! Something's behind here! Hey! Everyone get over here!"

I panicked and ran back up the stairs to the factory office. The others came following and I heard the loading and cocking of weapons. Ours would never be enough to stop a whole army. I frantically searched around for a more damaging weapon when I found it: a Fat Man! I had only two Mini-Nukes so I had to make these good shots. I scrambled over to the banister because the thing was so heavy.

As soon as the light flooded the room, I shot a Nuke right at the opening. I shielded my eyes, and I felt enormous heat fill the room. I peeked again and saw that bodies littered the opening. I silently crept down the stairs and out the door.
I could see the facility and a giant radiation pit where the Nuke landed. Our peace didn't last long, because new threats were coming up the hill. I wasn't going to die yet. Dave, Jeff, and me formed a line and just crossfired. It worked miraculously becauseno new threats were present.

"Well, hot damn!" I said, "we just searched the entire [censored] underground and nothing. The only place left is in the building."

Casually, we made our way to the building by means of a plank leading from our position to the top of the building.

"Alright. We still have a few more days to get the armor. We can all take the building and fight of any more people that try to kill us. We will meet up here at exactly 8:00PM.

Entry April 13, 2247
And that's exactly what we did. For 8 days we searched high and low for the armor. Nothing came up, but on the last day when we were waiting for the helicopter. About ten of the enemy helicopters came and dropped of at least fifty troops. One spotted Jeff,

"Up there!"

We were defiantly outnumbered, but I still had my Fat Man. Explosions bursted all around us, but we didn't want to give up now.

okay I'm back! over 500 views thats good, but it looks like ben the butcher soared past me. Don't blame it, its a great story. Was grounded for a bit soooooo I didn't have time to write much. Thanx too ALL of my viewers and repliers.
BY the BY, this entry isn't over. It'll be here tonite hopefully



Jeff stood, and hurled a grenade right down to the soldiers, but the blast didn't seem to affect them.

Let's try some more power!" I shouted over the blasts.

I loaded the Nuke on the barrel and prepared to fire when shots pounded, and tore my flesh. The weapon fell out of my hand, and the Nuke rolled to the side, and off the building.

"Censored]! Dave, cover me I have to go get the Nuke!"

He nodded, and we ran to the wooden plank that connected the two parts of the facility.
Jeff was crouched behind a wall on top of the roof, signaling for Tenpenny to get here.
Dave and I dodged bullets, and ran to the wall we had hid behind many days ago.

"Get your Nuke, we have to get the [censored] out of here!" ordered Dave.

I quickly located it, and loaded it once again.

"One shot! Don't miss." Laughed Dave.

I aimed just above the platoon of soldiers and pulled the death switch. Again, the tremendous heat and roaring of the explosion came again. I was closer to the explosion this time, and the radiation was starting to take off the skin on my face. I pleaded it to be all over, and then I heard helicopter blades.

"Finally!" screamed Dave. He helped me climb back up the plank to the roof, and I fell to the ground.

"Never stopped working," said Jeff, with a smile.

Both picked me up and carried me to the helicopter. The pilot said,

"I radio Tenpenny and say the mission was a success."

"No, we didn't find the armor, I mumbled."

The pilot sighed, "I'll have to contact him otherwise."

He picked up the radio, and then the windshield broke. The pilot slumped his head, sniped.

"Dammit, get the controls," exclaimed Dave.

Jeff grabbed the controls, and steered the helicopter into the sky. My vision was blurring, I was falling asleep. We were going home after a long 10 days.



Not to much detail, but the main story is back! Chp 5, coming soon!

Well, it looks pretty good. Definitely much better than when you started. Congrats on the major improvements in style.

Gracias me compadre

When I'm done with this thread, or if it gets too long, does anyone want me to post this story, with no comments and stuff in between?

well, post some more if you like(so far, I like it), too bad I lost the mood to scold at you, even though there are some "lore screwing".

Ah, so your back, dude, I have the guide for this game and I know what happenes, so I'm not sure id its right or not