Granted, I can see that aspect. It would be bizarre to me if I saw a kid I knew was genetically related to my wife, but I'd have to keep in mind that the only reason this happened was because my wife wanted to help another couple have a chance of being parents.

Remember, in some way, this is no different than adoption, only this time they actually know and can contact the mother should they need to know her medical history (assuming the kid inherits a condition they would need to know about.) Don't look at this genetically, look at this as a couple having a chance they otherwise wouldn't have.

I understand that your views are important to you and are deeply held convictions, but it seems that you are being selfish, because of genetics, and denying a couple their own happiness when it would have no real impact on you at all, especially because you have a child already. I hate to put it in such stark terms, but that is what I am seeing, when everything is said and done.

If your views are that important to you, and they seem like they are, then you should stand by them. But I would also recommend some critical self-examination as to why you hold those particular views. Why, for example, is reproduction the ultimate meaning of life? And even if we assume that premise to be true, it doesn't necessarily follow that you care strongly about that ultimate meaning, because you are allowing self-imposed restrictions on your behavior which, according to the premise, deny the ultimate meaning / place restrictions on your genetic potential.

I know, that's why I made this thread. I would like to change my views. I don't think I'm being selfish. If I were, I wouldn't be on here asking for help - I'd have told my wife "no", and that would be that.

From my perspective the objections you have to your wife providing an egg to the couple are based on your views of reproduction as the meaning of life, coupled with your evolutionary and hormonally produced genetic selfishness, which is ultimately rooted in jealously.

Essentially, some people are more jealous than others due to hormones and brain chemistry. I, personally, have never been a jealous person. That's partly why I am polyamorous and why I gladly let my partner(s) have six with other people, so long as they practice safe six. Ultimately I feel that your issues burrow down to jealously, which you have wrapped up in a philosophy of genetics and reproduction. Deal with the jealously (perhaps through some cognitive behavioral therapy), and everything else will likely fall into place. Or don't do that. It's ultimately up to you on whether you truly wish to change your outlook.

Of course, I could be completely wrong. Either way, I hope that you find some peace with your current situation, whatever you decide to do.

Does genetics really matter? The fact of the matter is, that couple will at last be able to raise a child, an opportunity they couldn't have because of cancer. What does it matter if the kid is genetically related to your wife? Adopted children are, for the most part, not genetically related to the parents caring for them. Don't focus so much on the genetics.

This child doesn't belong to either of you, it belongs to the couple. Again, I know it would be awkward to meet that kid a decade from now knowing that technically that kid's related to you, but treat him/her as you would anyone else. Genetics doesn't matter, the person does.

She won't be carrying the baby in her womb so it's not really her child. A womans "eggs" aren't like an animals eggs where the new life is already inside it, it still needs sperm to plant itself in the other womans uterus before the spark of life occurs. If you flip it around and it was your wife that received another womans egg which your sperm helped make into a baby, you wouldn't consider it the other womans baby or cheating on your wife would you?

It's not a good thing because there's too many people propagating the species as is, at an alarming rate that the world won't be able to sustain.

I've read the whole thread but this is what I kind of got stuck on. Yes, genetically. However, in some of your posts you some to be concerned about the connection of the child with your wife. Granted, I'm a guy, and I don't have kids, but from what I've seen in my life, it seems the connection between mother and child is having gone through the pregnancy.

I could be wrong, but if your wife isn't actually carrying the child, would she actually be attached to it? Other than that of it being a friend's child I mean, or having provided an opportunity for her friend that she could be proud of. Or, she might not even really think about the fact that the child is genetically her's. Have you discussed that with her?

And, while I don't really know much about egg/sperm donation, would it fully genetically be your wife's child or would the role of the woman who would undergo the pregnancy have an effect as well?

I can see where you are coming from, but based on what I've read I can't tell if you have considered/discussed the above with your wife. I wish you luck in figuring this out. That said, I think your wife is making a incredible gesture of giving joy to a couple who can not conceive themselves. Perhaps that can help override some of your issues with the situation as it is a selfless act to help a fellow human being.

Honestly i think its fine for your wife to donate an egg, but in saying that, i actually agree with you on the adoption, im a big supporter of adoption, they could give an already living child a home and family, not enough people support adoption because they think its someone elses child not my genetic material that brought them to life, i have a cousin thats adopted and his parents nor the rest of the family see him as anything but family, and it could save a child being run through the system for years.

Uhhh... you may need to go take a remedial course in biology.

Mammalian animals reproduce in the exact same way humans do: sperm meets egg, egg develops into young, birth, etc.

I completely, 100% agree with you. I was talking about his philosophy / worldview, not mine.

Your wife would have no romantic connection to the father of the child. She would also not have any sixual contact with him. There will be nothing romantic or sixy about the procedure.

Your wife will have no legal rights to the child. The couple will be the legal parents of the child and they will have the same authoroty over it as if they were both its biologic parents.

Your wife will not grow connected to the child as it bakes in another woman's oven for nine months. Neither will she begin yearning for the baby and start thinking it belongs to her.

That child will not be in your family tree. I know you are hung up on the genetic connection between your wife and the child, but the child really won't belong to your wife in any way.

OK, it may be because I'm a guy here but...wouldn't she have to carry the baby for nine months herself before giving the baby to the couple who wants the baby?

Nevertheless, just see it as...her carrying a child she doesn't want but she'll be able to give two things:

(1) A couple the most beautiful, greatest thing to have ever happened.

(2) That child a decent life with people who will love and care for that child.

Why not just adoption? Maybe they didn't have enough money? Maybe the foster homes didn't have the kid they were looking for? Maybe they didn't want to go through the paper work to have a kid? Who knows, and it honestly isn't my business why they didn't just go to an adoption agency.

As for the medical history? Well, yes, sure, they would probably have to consult with your wife if they realized the baby inherited something odd from her, but that shouldn't be a problem.

Plus, we all need to keep in mind that there's a probable 99.99999% chance that she definitely doesn't want the baby. She isn't going to see the baby as hers at all. She's just...allowing the baby to develop in her womb for nine months until it's born, and then the job falls to the couple. Even if the baby shares her genetics, she won't see the baby as hers or part of her family.

The egg from one woman can be removed and inseminated before being placed inside another woman where it will grow. The woman that donated the egg will not feel any change in her body, while the woman that had the inseminated egg placed inside her will begin the process of pregnancy.

Ah, OK. Got it.

So basically she donates an egg and that's it. They continue their daily lives as if nothing had happened, and the couple gets to have the baby.

@ bonaiste- Look, there's about an 89-100% chance you're never going to see the kid, so no worries. And even if you did, just treat the kid as you would any other kid and you'll be fine.

Her cancer friend can adopt a child instead. Plenty of kids out there who need help... Egg transfer is useless

not necessarily, there is a lot of red-tape for adopting a Child (my Aunt and Uncle had to go through it)

the fact she has a History with Cancer will mean most Adoption Agencies will throw their file in the trash the moment they get it (Adoption Agencies will not allow a family to Adopt if they have had a battle with Cancer, a personal History with heart trouble, or pretty much any major issue like those)..

Its hard enough for healthy couples to get through the process, if you have had a battle with Cancer? yeah, they won't even consider you..

For me, I think it hinges on whether or not she is going to be an actual surrogate mother(which entails the baby baking in her body), or if she's just donating the egg to the other woman and the baby baking in the other womans womb. If it's the first? Absolutely not. There are a ton of risks that pregnancies carry, and I'll be damned if I'd let my wife take those risks for someone else for any reason. If she's not carrying the child? Meh, whatever, wouldn't particularly care, just so long as they don't bring the kid around us.

Even if it is something your wife wants to do?

Doesn't matter. Once you enter the contract of marriage, you can no longer consider your own wants and needs, you have to consider your families wants and needs, and considering a major complication in a pregnancy can kill you, no, I would not let my wife help someone else at the cost of leaving me and our children alone without her.

Yeaaaaahhh..... No.

Way to take things out of context. Obviously when I said that, I was referencing for stuff that carried serious risks. I wouldn't go out and willingly put my life on the line for no reason other then to make someone else happy. On the other hand, yeah I'd go out and buy a video game to make myself happy. In this situation, being a surrogate mother is outside the bounds of acceptable risk. Especially when it has the weight of possibly leaving your own children motherless.

See, if I were making that family tree then the child would absolutely come below my wife and the other woman's husband. I don't see it any other way,

Well, anyway this thread has made me realise that, while I am against it and I still can't get over these issues just yet, I now know how much I want to say yes to my wife. Because of this, I've now told her to contact her friend and get the process started, I'm not happy at all, but because I want to much to give my wife a positive answer here, I know that I will eventually come round, so there's no point in wasting time (it's an older couple in their 40s and 50s so... they're gonna be old parents enough as it is without me wasting more time). I'll just deal with my own internal struggle and hope that it doesn't affect my relationship with my wife too much when I see the child.mi hope that, by then, I'd have gotten over whatever issues remain.

Thanks everyone for your posts, except the posts at the beginning of the thread, they were horrible.

Actually this is a good time to take stock of what happened at the start of this. Honestly, those posts were getting me right on the defensive, which were pushing me further away from making a positive decision. Please guys, I know the Internet isn't where you should go to get advice, but if someone comes in asking for guidance, don't jump to vilify them because it'll put them off asking for help again. I'm glad I stuck around and got many decent perspectives and points of view. Hopefully I can ponder those over the coming months and it might help me get over this. But the important thing for me is that I want to get over this, which tells me that we should go ahead with the donation, and this thread helped me see that. If the thread hadn't changed tack, and it had continued what felt like a barrage of hate towards me, I would never have found that conclusion and the answer to my wife on whether she should donate the egg would still be 'no' and I'd probably find it more difficult to come round to the idea. So, in conclusion, don't be quick to berate someone for having a different point of view to yours, instead try to understand it and give your own. With me at least, that's all that's needed to help.

Thread done I think. My wife is happy and I'm sure the other couple will be ecstatic. And I'll deal with it.

I don't like this thing, if I were in your place I wouldn't do it. Or in her place, to be more precise.

Life carries serious risks. The maternal death rate in the US is roughly 37 per 100,000 live births. The likelihood of dying by random accident in the US at age 25-34? 37 per 100,000.

I'm not saying that taking unnecessary risks is good, but a little info puts things in perspective.

That's still to much of a risk to help another couple who could just adopt instead. As I said, there are plenty of risks that are acceptable to take in life(such as driving to work everyday, or hell, leaving your house, lol), but being a surrogate mother for another couple when you have kids of your own that need their mother, is not an acceptable risk whatsoever. I also said that I wouldn't care if my wife GAVE them an egg to implant in the friends womb, so I"m not against helping, just not willing to let my wife be a surrogate.

Of course, we still don't know if Bonalaste's wife is going to be a surrogate, or if she's just donating an egg, he's never specified, and I have to admit, I'm very, very curious.

I guess what you and I consider acceptable risk - hell, how you and I view relationship restrictions - are too far apart. If my partner wanted something that badly, I would let them do it, because it made them happy, not because it fit in some "acceptable risk" range.

And Bonalaste said that his wife is just donating the egg, not becoming a surrogate. See his post a little bit above.