You also don't have kids, which significantly changes the equation. Once you have kids, your every action has to take them into consideration, and for this statement, I make no qualifiers. EVERY ACTION must consider how it could possibly affect your kids. Hence why I wouldn't let it happen. If I didn't have kids? My answer might be different, I'm honestly not sure, but I do have kids, so it's moot.

And, Oh I missed the part where he said donation. I just saw the part where he stated "I told her to call her friends and get the process started", which implied to me it could still be either one. Yeah, egg donation is not an issue.

Actually i have a reason simply to deny these people, one their age and because one is affected by cancer, ive seen people who want children because, they want children, i want a nice mansion on the hill nice and quiet, i dont know these people personally, but id refuse them just on their age and health issues, i know older people who have had children, in 10 years your ten years older in 18 your 18 years older and depending on what happens in that time they could end up with one parent or none, 3 of my family were dead by 50 and younger, not counting on any possible mental degradation, such as dementia or Alzheimer.

I salute your utter dedication to your children (truly). It's just too bad that not all parents share that conviction.

Thank you Some people(on these very forums even) have often considered me to be "Barbaric" and other things to rude to repeat because of some of my views, but in the end It's pretty much all for my children and making sure that both myself and my wife are there for them as long as physically possible.


Ya know, I completely missed that part of Bonalaste's post. That is a very good point to consider. There is a decent chance that the cancer could come back for the woman, and the fact that they are older, those are all significant down sides to going through with this.

Is she being surrogate or is she donating the egg? I don't know how this works. If the former, then I can see why you'd be upset at her having someone else's kid for them while not having another with you but in the wider scope of things it's a great act she's doing that is bound to bring happiness to the other family - which outweighs your possessiveness. After all, her body, her rules.

If the latter, and it's some sort of test tube baby (or whatever) and the baby won't grow in her womb but will come from her egg, then no need to care.

Another point - the husband already has children from a previous marriage,

Glad you have kind of made some progress with the situation and started to sort things out. Hope everything works out ok and best of luck to you and your family for the future.

I meant eggs as in chicken eggs but what the hell do I know? It sounded sensible to my mind

wait i don't undestand she wants to have a child but from another man? why not just you both of you donate? that way it could be from your genes and from her genes.

No, OP's wife does not want to get herself another child. She wants to give one of her eggs to another couple so that couple can use the husband's sperm to create a child for themselves. That couple's wife can't use her own eggs, so OP's wife will give them one of her own.

oh i see ..

i guess all i could say is why not adopt a child?

Umm....Does your wife respect your feelings on this matter? I hope she has listened and actually considered what they are. You need to talk reasonably and calmly, not get angry when talking to your wife. The point is, your feelings are very valid, despite what others are saying and you certainly DO have a say in this. Not to tell her what to do, but as one half of this marriage. For you to have to 'svck it up and deal' is not a very healthy thing at all. Marriage is about partnership and compromise and if one partner is dead set on doing something that makes the other partner extremely uncomfortable then that will ALWAYS create a wedge between the two and will be the 'brought up topic' in every argument from here on.

Sorry, but even as a female who does believe that a woman's body is her own to do what she wants with, I cannot help but actually completely agree with you on this. You both made promises and committed to each other to go through life as a team and part of that is having children together, not giving children away.

Another thing, has she really thought this through....she is going to have to see that child every day for as long as those people live close by and no matter what she says, she WILL look at it and know it is her flesh and blood. She cannot say from this end exactly how that will effect her, no one can until they are in that situation. Yes it is a 'nice' thing she wants to do to help others, but I don't think she should be doing it at the possible expense of her marriage and I may be wrong, but I doubt she really comprehends the actual effect it will have on her.

That couple should be looking for an egg donator elsewhere not from a friend. All in all I think it is actually a very bad idea your wife and her friends have, they are clearly not thinking straight. An idea probably conceived (no pun intended) over a bottle of wine. While you have some very logical, common sense objections and fears about this whole scheme.

Barbaric? How so? You don't seem like that to me from what I've read from you...you seem like a decent guy who loves his family.

Because She has a History with Cancer

the majority of Adoption Centers will not let a couple Adopt if they Have History with Cancer, or most other major Illnesses (Like a Major Heart defect (A family friend was unable to Adopt because she was born with a Naturally weak heart and was awaiting a heart Transplant (sadly, she passed before they were able to get her a transplant)), or even some STDs)

its hard enough for a healthy Couple to get through the process.. if you have a History with any major medical Issue, they won't even consider your application.


So, in the case of the couple the OP is talking about, Adoption likely is not an option..

So much to say. Will keep the opinions to myself since I see the harm from what other people are doing by saying their opinion, and then think they are right and the OP is wrong. You people are doing no help at all. The people who disagree are not correct and the OP is wrong, nor is the OP correct and the people who disagree with him are wrong.

Everyone has a right to their opinion. There is no right or wrong here. It's like a religious view. There is no right or wrong it is what the person believes in. I think so much wrong has been said but will not comment since it will lead to a debate which will be taking away from the OP.

I agree with a few things the OP has said. I also disagree with some of his comments as well.

Here is a person who needs help. He didn't come to the forum to be judged but ask for help. Too many are judging as if their opinions are the correct ones and sadly I believe some of them are wrong. So instead of judging the OP on your views, help him out and not judge. I can see a divorce coming out of this and the community here is not helping because some of the people are wrong.

I think the OP needs an ear. Someone to listen to since he may not be able to go else where to talk with others. If you want to help, listen but don't judge.

If you need someone to talk to OP PM me, I will listen. I can understand what you are going through. While I may not agree with some of your statements, I can understand what you are going through.

Missed page 3. Just read this. This is the only real sound of advice I have read on the forum. Someone who listens, doesn't judge and give advice. This is more what we need, not what people think is right and the only way.

I don't have any issue with it myself but with a decision as big as it is, then both of you should be totally on board for it. If you are not, then I can only see that'll it cause problems for you and your wife later. This is something you should discuss with her and work out together.

I know that sperm donation can be anonymous. Are there also anonymous egg donors? To me, this would be the best way to go for the couple to avoid conflicts with people they know. If they can't adopt, maybe fostering is an option?

_{Well, egg/sperm donation is sometimes considered a controversial topic. Well, it's your wife's body. I can however see how it will be awkward, especially when you know the people involved. "Oh lokk honey, there's your child, not really). Are you jsut giving the egg or is your wife the one who's gonna be running around all pregnant and stuff? Because that would add to the awkwardness, you having to deal with a lot of the stuff that, well, people in a family where there is a pregnant wife have to deal with. So that could be awkward.}

_{If she's not gonna be the one running around all pregnant and stuff, then you can look at it that way, or you can look at it as donating cells, and that's it. Now of course if they really want a kid, they might find someone else who is willing to donate, or just adopt someone. I mean I know it's cool to have a kid made from scratch and all, but genetically it's only gonna be the child of the father, and most people I know of that have adopted (often due to not being able to have a child) have prior to adopting had this notion that it would be different and that they wouldn't love them the same, and in every case they've said that they turned out to be wrong, of course others might disagree.}

_{So yes, it's your wifes body obviously, she can make her own choises blah, blah, blah, the question is how much it will affect you beyond knowing that the kid in that one family is thechnically the son or daughter of your wife, and wether you will resent that person or not is also an interesting topic, you might be surprised.}

_{But yeah, for sure talk to you wife about it so you can be on the same page, heck you could even talk to the family in question too. Discuss other options if you're really hellbent on not letting it slide.}

_{But as I also said adoption is a great option, there are tons of children already in need of a home, it benefits all parties I would say. You don't have to resent anyone, a child gets a happy home, hopefully and a childless family gets a child. And if they don't want it because it's not "theirs" then you could always remind them that the other one would only technically be half theirs, if you want to be a total [censored] and all.}

_{And why would the woman want to go through pregnancy and childbirth, I haven't heard any woman say that pregnancy and chilbirth is a totally awesome experience.}

_{In the end, get everybody on the same page, it's your wifes body she can do as she pleases, freedom of choise and all that, however however however all parties should be aware that there are many option beyond your wife donating and them ending their days unhappy and childless.}

_{Wow, that was quite the ramble, I hope it made sense.}

And that person is called a licensed psychologist. And, sorry, but even psychologists judge. They just try really hard not to let their judgments carry through to their advice. If that is what the OP is looking for, then he should look for a local licensed psychologist. Or, even better, a licensed marriage psychologist, so he and his wife can talk this out.

And for those who are talking about bonalste's wife: we don't know anything. We don't know her feelings, we don't really know the situation, and we don't know if the family friend lives next door or a few states away. All we know is what bonalste has told us.

Thanks guys, for the replies. I've read them all and taken everything on board. I really do appreciate your input. There's another aspect that I'm uncomfortable with regarding egg donations. It requires more than a month of hormone therapy, which is like being pre-menstrual, pregnant and menopausal at the same time. This with my wife who I believe currently has mild post-natal depression and who, last time she went on just the contraceptive pill, became almost suicidally depressed due to the effects of the hormones. It is a similar procedure for undergoing IVF. There are other risks involved, not least of which is going under general anaesthetic for the surgery to retrieve the egg. As well as this, it will significantly reduce her chances of having children, and I have a strong feeling she will change her mind about wanting a second once the post natal depression wears off in a couple of years. On top of this, the risk is heightened for those over 35, which is why the NHS recommend against it above that age, and my wife is 36. It isn't the same as donating sperm. It is a very serious procedure that lasts months. On top of that, I know one of the early posters mentioned getting paid for it, but on the contrary we will need to pay around ￡8000 to carry out the procedure as it will be a private donation. The other couple will need to be the same.

As for my wife's feelings, she's just a good, generous person. Far more so than I am. I put myself and my family before anything else. Actually, I put her and my son before me, and me before the rest of the world. Unfortunately she tends to put acquaintances above her family and herself. We balance each other out, for the most part. She makes me be kind when I don't want to be, and I reign her in when, despite the fact that she has lost all income and we are seriously struggling financially, she wants to give her friend ￡1000 to go to Disney world with her kids even though the friend can afford it but doesn't think the trip worthwhile. I have to put a stop to a lot of her generosity because it comes at the expense of my family's ability to actually pay the bills and rent. The friend in question is a friend of the family, not a direct friend. We see them once every year, perhaps. As I say, the husband already has children through a previous failed marriage, and the couple could have done this years ago but have only now decided to try for a baby. If she had tried sooner she could have undergone IVF, but because she dallied now this is the result. My wife wants to do this because she is kind. I don't want her to do this for myriad reasons. Mostly because I am selfish, I think, but I'm okay with that. I didn't used to be this way, but I have kind of grown accustomed to being the selfish one in our relationship, otherwise we will be living in a hole in the ground.

Some of his methods are, well, extremely overprotective and sheltering of the realities of the world.

OK, I think I'm beginning to fully understand this now. She thinks with her heart, you think with your head. You're worried she's about to do something that'll put her through needless emotional and physical hell (not to say financial) when there are better options. I think I get it now.

And, actually, if I were her, I'd want to listen to stuff like this because if I were going to do something big and risky, I would want to know the risk and the reward, weigh both sides before jumping off to my decision.

I know it's still her body and all, but it wouldn't hurt if she considers your view before making a decision.

Well, at the risk of sounding like a dike again, if the other concerns, especially the money concern, were the primary reason for your reluctance, I'd probably be much more in favor of your viewpoint.

Either way, hope it turns out for the best for you.

Well, no it's not my primary reason. If my wife wants to put herself through the physical trial of it I'd be supportive because it's her body, although I would strongly advise her against it at first. Which I have. I don't care too much about money, but it is just an added factor. My primary concerns are whether the couple should have a baby, and how the egg donation is, in my opinion, reproduction but without intercourse, so the baby will be my wife's child, even though she won't carry it. The other aspects just add on to this primary concern, and now that I've basically accepted that I must be in the wrong thinking this, and I reckon I'll get over it, those other concerns are now at the forefront and have me somewhat worried.

I'm sorry, then, but those reasons are why I disagree with you. Even though I'm usually a proponent of straightforward logical thinking, you can't approach human situations solely like that. E.g. the case of it being your wife's child, for all intents and purposes, it won't be. The only case it will be is strictly biologically, which in a social situation is one of the least important factors.

Edit: On the note of the risks of the operation they are pretty minor overall. The recommended age is under 36, she is 36. It's not like a bad surgery outcome switch flipped in her body on her birthday.

As well, to clarify, when making money was brought up earlier it was mostly in relation to acting as the surrogate parent to an egg.

Either way, again, best of luck.