elder scrolls story

Post » Fri May 27, 2011 8:10 am

this is a story which is sorta half made up half game: plz rate (note i could have some spelling mistakes lol)


Diary of Draegon Matthias
My Elder Scrolls story


First Entry, last seed 27, 3E433
Also known as the battle at Odiil farm

I had travelled quite far from my house in the imperial city through the Great Forest on the Black Road through the dangerous country. To arrive at the city of Chorrol, I had heard a lot about this place. Supposedly a retired captain of the blades lived quite nearby in Weynon Priory.

Anyway as I entered chorrol I stopped off at a place called the Grey Mare although it was quite shabby and run down than most of the houses in chorrol. But as my father used to say (Lord Derrigon Matthias) you can't judge a book by its cover.

As I entered the Grey Mare, a man came running up to me. He started blabbing something about monsters. I didn't understand half the things he was saying so I told him to stop, sit down and tell me what his problem was. More calmly before he told me his name was Valus Odiil and that his farm had been pillaged again and again by vicious creatures coming some where from the forest.

He told me that the guard would not help because they were too busy guarding the walls of chorrol. His sons had set out to the farm to rid the creatures themselves. They were to meet him at Weynon priory.

He admitted himself that he was too old for this sort of thing. He had done his service long ago. He asked me to go in his place. I thought about it for a bit, I mean risking my life for a bunch of people I don't know? Well awesome I hadn't had a taste of battle since my original town had been burnt and destroyed by bandits.

My mother and father had been killed, the town bard saved me and revealed that he was a mage working for the arcane university and he helped me hunt down the bandits and kill them. But that's a story for another time. I accepted Valus's plea saying that I would meet his sons Rallus and Antus and help kill the creatures that were plaguing his farm.

I have set out from Chorrol stabling my good companion Chestnut. Valus said his sons were waiting for him at Weynon Priory. So I started out to Weynon priory. I hurried to meet up with Rallus and Antus.
They were waiting just outside Weynon Priory just like Valus said. When I met them, Antus didn't look very impressed; he looked me right in the eye, his eyes boring into mine like I had done something terrible. I turned to Rallus and told him of the change of plans.

He understood and told me and Antus that there was no point waiting anymore, we had to set off for the farm, and it would get dark soon, making it much more dangerous, since the creatures could ambush us. So quickly we headed to Odiil farm.

We arrived luckily before dark, although we don't have much time. We walked right into the open field. I drew my bow and knocked an arrow.
Rallus tells us to get ready, "Here they come!" he shouted. His interpretations couldn't get any sharper, because as soon as he said that there was a piercing cry, "goblins" I thought.

A green head bobbed up in front of us followed by three others. I aimed ready to shoot, I let the arrow loose "swish"! The arrow hit the goblin straight in the head killing it instantly. I knocked another arrow, I aimed for the other goblin but missed its head and hit in the shoulder it stumbled but only screamed at me and headed towards we with bloodlust in its eyes.

I pretended to be defenceless although I had another trick up my sleeve; behind my back I drew my short sword, with a yell I dived and skidded underneath the goblin legs and stabbed it in the back, it fell down dead.

I saw Antus fighting aggressively with another goblin, He defeated it but another goblin came up behind him and bashed him on his shoulder crushing his shoulder bone.
He shouted in pain, I drew my bow and shot the goblin in the heart as it was about to kill him. Rallus on the other hand was doing fine, slicing the head of the last one. Antus was wounded badly he couldn't use his right arm at all.
Rallus moved him back towards the building. I thing about goblins I remembered, they keep coming until you kill there leader. I looked at the hill again and saw walking slowly a goblin dressed in armour.
It shook its head and in a growl pointed at me, Rallus came next to me and said "it seems that the goblin leader has challenged you to a duel"
I mean that doesn't happen regularly, but then again this hasn't been a regular day.

The other goblins stood on the sides surrounding me and the leader, in a circle." here we go" I thought, in a quick movement I rolled sideways letting loose three arrows at once the goblin leader blocked them with its shield, it let loose a coarse set of growls, and I realised that it was laughing, "Damm this sick humour" I thought.

The goblin itself wasn't very strong and got quite knocked back by the three arrows. "If I could just get past his shield" I thought, I heard Rallus shout and throw something at me, I caught it. It was a magical weapon inscribed on the handle was the name Chillrend "ha-ha, your in trouble now" I said aloud, the weapon was magical alright it shone a pristine white/blue colour.

In a flick of my wrist I chucked the weapon up in the air and charged at the goblin and as I jumped at him I caught Chillrend and stabbed him, the goblin put his shield up but that was no match for chillrend, it disintegrated in a shower of icicles.
The blade went all the way into his heart. The goblin groaned and fell to the ground. The rest of the goblins cowered in fear as I stood up, "boo" I said and they ran away as fast as they could.


Rallus says we should get back to Chorrol so we both help Antus back to the Grey Mare. When we get there Valus is waiting for us, he's shocked at the state of us but he is glad we are all alive. "Antus will be able to use his arm once we get a mage to heal him" Valus exclaims, and as a token of gratitude he gives me Chillrend "use it well" he says. The adventure is over.... for now. Perhaps one day ill journey to Anvil I have heard of a ghost ship round those parts....
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El Goose
 
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Post » Fri May 27, 2011 7:21 pm

Other than the uber character, the already well-known Oblivion quest you've based your story on, and the minor spelling/grammar/punctuation errors, you've done well. I'd suggest focusing on detail-- settings, emotions, and motives. With a bit more practice you could have fanfic hits in no time. Trust me, only a sparse few ever produce brilliant work in their beginning years. Overrall, I give you a C+ B- grade, because effort counts.

Ham-handed bravado isn't always the key to good fanfic.

Good luck and enjoy the forums


dReN
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sharon
 
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Post » Fri May 27, 2011 8:22 am

why does everyone have to judge a fan-fic? so what if he made an uber character, so what if he has spelling errors, so what if he based his story on a oblivion quest, it happens to everyone, its just that their to afraid to admit!, i myself and a good rp creator or a good fan-fiction story-teller, it doesn't matter if they made a number of mistakes! as long if the story is good!

great story by the way!, im trying to do one myself, keep up the good work!
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[ becca ]
 
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Joined: Wed Jun 21, 2006 12:59 pm

Post » Fri May 27, 2011 10:14 am

why does everyone have to judge a fan-fic? so what if he made an uber character, so what if he has spelling errors, so what if he based his story on a oblivion quest, it happens to everyone, its just that their to afraid to admit!, i myself and a good rp creator or a good fan-fiction story-teller, it doesn't matter if they made a number of mistakes! as long if the story is good!

great story by the way!, im trying to do one myself, keep up the good work!


Er, it's called constructive criticism. It's intended to help and constructively give the writer feedback so they can advance as a writer. Why else would someone post a fanfic on these forums if they didn't want people to read it and provide feedback? :huh:

Anyway, I pretty much second Lord Dren's constructive criticism. It's a well known story, but lacks an edge. Describing the characters emotions, their thoughts, the setting the character finds themselves in. Description is the best way to improve your writing :) Keep it up though, I'll keep reading.
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Roberta Obrien
 
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Post » Fri May 27, 2011 4:50 am

nah really its okay the more i learn about what is better and what i can achiveve the better

im considering doing a different one based on a ruin or cave and not quest based. its better that i learn what i can improve than just blankly saying good job

so thank you for your comments
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meghan lock
 
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