--begin playback-//

Enclave soldier: "Why did president eden send us to Southeast Commonwealth?"

Enclave Officer: "The goals of the president arent to be questioned."

Enclave soldier: "Yeah but it would be nice to know an objective for once right?"

Enclave Officer: "I hear ya but this isnt the time. The United States is crippled and we still need to solve the mutation problem running rampant in this land"

Enclave soldier: "how do you know we arent mutated in a way due to our increased involvement in this radioactive wasteland, We ourselves probobly have several mutations due to just combing over this place."

Enclave Officer: "Just shut up and do your job Malsovich"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------->end file

Malsovich (unit 546) did his best to keep his mind on the tasks at hand but he couldnt do so without knowing what they were. He toyed with the sights on his laser rifle as he walked. The Enclave's only instruction was to head to The remains of Fort Brag, North Carolina. He wished the vertibirds would make it to the rallying point already because they were already 15 minutes late. This was definantly not a good sign but there wasnt much HE could do about it. Just as Maslovich finished the realization his officer pointed to a nearby plantation (North Carolina was not a huge target during the great war so many of its old buildings survived, with the exception of decay)."Check it out 546", said the officer.
He made his way to the house and set a plasma charge on the door. 3.....2....1....The door exploded inwards and burned into nonexistance. He rushed through the door, confident his Power armor could take the damage of any attack. He was correct. A man clad in burned pre war clothes unloaded half a clip of 10mm pistol rounds into the Enclave soldiers chest plate. It proved useless however as malsovich punched a few burning holes through the mans chest with his laser rifle. Malsovich rounded the corner looked into a modest bedroom full of supplies. he saw the mans family, A wife with a male toddler cringing in the corner of the bedroom.
There was no emotion that could accuratly describe malsovich's regret. His superior officer walked into the room. "room secure malsovich?", the officer asked. "there is....umm...damn...", malsovich had trouble making words to describe this event. A few seconds passed by. "shoot them", the officer commanded. "What?! Why?", retorted malsovich. "Do you question my order?" said the officer menacingly. Malsovich did question it but there was always a "court martial" for dissobedience. "...No sir", replied malsovich. He aimed his rifle and burned the cowering family down. To face an enclave court martial was something no soldier looked forward to. If he refused the enclave would kill his own family and brand him a traitor. Both walked out of the house and continued down that winding road to the Brag base...

(to be continued... please respond via message to me on ideas)

Not all of us are instant writers. (Not even me)

Here's a tip: Try participating in other people's RPs then work your way up. :goodjob:

Now I am insulted. Do you really believe that soldiers who have been on the ground in a conflict speak do not speak English, but broken English? Do you know what broken, or more correctly, fractured English is? Appalling. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised to find such statements on a board titled Fan Fiction and composed mostly of pointless roleplays that are either innane or witless exercises for those unwilling to at least attempt writing a piece of fan fiction.

Redati, I would rather read a piece of work such as Enclave Soldiers than the drivel contained in those Rp's. Talk about a lack of grammar skills, spelling and most importantly imagination.

The funny thing is, it seems that all three Fallouts received a mature rating (or equivalent) but these boards are full of juvenile snipes and the uneducated comments of ten year olds.

Needless to say, I believe I have wasted enough time here.

Enclave Soldier, keep up the writing. Take the so called criticism with a pinch of salt, especially the part about "Its safe to say, in reality, you will never be a writer." Remember that when criticising another (constructive or not) there is an old saying about throwing stones if you live in a glass house. 'Its' is the possesive form of the pronoun 'it', 'It's' is the contraction of 'it is'. Then again, what do I know. I'm just an old soldier who apparently is only able to use broken English.

I did'nt mean that they speak "Broken" English every waking hour, all I meant was that under fire and in combat, they dont have time to speak proper english to each-other. I mean thats why the military has codes and such, so they can keep it simple under fire. I mean I dont think soldiers under heavy fire are going to be talking to each-other saying, "Sergeant Lewis, can you please hand me that fragmentation grenade please." from what I've read and seen in documentaries is more like, "SERGEANT GIVE ME THAT [censored] GRENADE NOW!" or something similar. I did'nt mean to insult any soldiers.

ok. First, This is the first time I have ever tried anything like this. By that I mean a short peace about anything. Stay with me here. They werent really in that much of a combat zone. They were walking to a vertibird rallying point. The order to check out a house can hardly be considered a combat move when in advanced combat armor. The only person who put up a fight was the father. The rest of the family just kind of...cringed in fear in the corner. I consider the Enclave arrogant enough to not worry about much in a farmhouse.

Second, Thank you rendati that review was helpful and ill be mindful of that in the future.

Third, it said to please respond back in email. I realize it is considerred a post in all torwards that next rank (or something like that) But please do that in the future.

Thanks for everything though guys.

I believe you have fallen into a bigger trap than the auther...
When being shot at the last thing you do is waste time; adding the extra "[censored]" wastes time.
The second to last thing you do when under fire is insult the person who might end up saving your skin; adding the extra "[censored]" does nothing useful and also adds the potential to insult the person your talking to.



I disagree that your review is the "perfect" review.
To solve the majority of his Gramatical errors and spelling errors he could have put the story through Word first.
I believe a more beneficial review would concentrate more on the Fictonal aspects of the story; whether it is realistic and interesting.
Although reading text with bad grammer can sometimes lead to confusion as to whether the is trying to say one thing or another the majority of the time not capitalising letters makes very little difference to the meaning of the text. If he wanted to publish the story im sure he would check over his Grammer and Spelling with far more scrutany however posting a Fan-Fic on a public Forum should not have to have perfect grammar.

Anyway, in my oppinion your review focussed far too much on trivial things as opposed to the actualy content of the story.


======

My personal oppinion is that the Soldier and Officer where speaking about matters far too complecated for it to be realistic. A soldier would do his duty; shoot who hes told to shoot and capture what hes told to capture.
Aswell as this the matters they are discussing are very big and it is as though you as an auther are trying to cram them into a very small space. A way to fix this would be to lengthen the conersation. Some emotions or description as to how the men are talking would also add depth...


Example:

Enclave soldier: "Why did president eden send us to Southeast Commonwealth?"

Enclave Officer: "The goals of the president arent to be questioned!" The officer raised his voice to the Private.
"You are a soldier and should shoot what you are told to shoot and capture where you are told to capture."

Enclave soldier: "Yeah but it would be nice to know an objective for once like why hes sending us out into a place we have never even been before?"

Enclave Officer: "I hear you but this is not the time. The United States is crippled from the riots in the west coupled with the growing amount of Soldiers going Aigh-Wall. Not to mention we still need to solve the Mutant problem to the south"

Enclave soldier: "how do you know we arent mutated in a way due to our increased involvement in this radioactive wasteland, We ourselves probobly have several mutations due to just combing over this place."

Enclave Officer: "Just shut up and do your job Malsovich"

Some potential.

I'd recommend typing it up on Word, or some other processor to check for errors.

Try and make the plot flow better, everything seems to happen fast, with various describing words somehow rammed in, just loosen up on the description front in some areas, otherwise it's a good story.

Also, Redati, we all acknowledged you’re initial comments about the story were constructive, but then when the OP posts, thanking you, you once again, quote and correct his entire post. I'm sorry, but you’re a complete bastard with regards to people who obviously don't live up to your grammatical standards. I'll remind you that Fallout is an alternate world, especially in Fan Fiction, so therefore maybe in Enclave soldier’s world, some things might not be what you perceive/think they might be.

I cant believe this is still going on?

Indeed.

"One should always strive for perfection, otherwise you're aiming for failure."
People who live by this mentality have a much greater chance of developing depression...

RAWR RAWR RAWR, ANIMOSITY FOR US ALL!!

While I can agree that Redati gave some much needed criticism; I am going to back up Skalami in saying that he went about it in an incredibly rude way.




I'm not sure who would agree with me in the matter.....actually, I am off topic.

The story has an excellent plot line (from what I've read), though you should expand upon it a bit more. Putting that aside, there are many grammatical and punctuation errors.
Referring back to what Redati said, it is a bit on the stale side Try spicing it up a bit, make it more enticing to the reader (How you would go about doing that, I have no idea).

That's about all the help I can offer, I'm new to the whole RP/FanFic thing, but I am an experienced writer.

P.S. Sorry I didn't PM you, I got caught up in the little argument that branched off from the topic :]

Neither can I. BTW, it's Court-martial as defined by the UCMJ.