Alright, this is Escape from Fairfax! Yesterday, while roleplaying as a caravan guard, all of the following happened. The amazingness of this was making me think of making it into a fanfic on here. Also, I did all this on my newly made level five. Enjoy! :fallout:

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Chapter One

Travis walked through Megaton to the gate. He was getting ready to go work on caravan duty. He was guarding for Harith this time. He was hoping Harith had good ammo, because Travis was running low. But he'd hold out. Travis reached the gate and went through. Once out, he began walking to the front of Megaton. "Thirsty, partner? Have a drink at Moriarty's!" the protectron said as Travis walked past. Travis was a little annoyed to see that Harith wasn't here yet. He met up with Doc Hoff while he waited for Harith.

"Hey, Doc." Travis said to Doc Hoff. "Hello, how about some of my high-quality chems?" Doc Hoff asked. Travis smiled. "Sure. Gimme all the stimpaks you got. How much for it?" "Four hundred caps." Doc Hoff said. Travis handed Doc a small sack of caps in exchange for a handful of stimpaks. "Thanks." Travis said as he walked to the side of the brahmin. Hoff's caravan guard was eyeing Travis. "Yeah?" Travis asked. "Look, I'm only here to protect the merchandise.." the guard said. Travis looked puzzled. "Umm.. Okay? Why do I care, again?" The guard didn't respond.

Travis sat back against a large rock and shut his eyes. Once he opened them back up, it was night. Oh [censored], he thought. Panicked, he franticly looked around to see if Harith was there. He wasn't, but Doc still was. "Don't worry, nobody's come yet." Doc said. Travis calmed. He looked away, and coming up the hill was Harith. Travis quickly jogged to him. "Hey, Harith, where have you been?" Harith sighed. "Don't worry, I'm fine. We just had a... Delay.." Travis asked to see Harith's inventory. and he agreed. Travis only found a few rounds for his hunting rifle and 10mm. He bought them.

"Just give me a minute and we'll get moving." Harith said. Travis sat back on to the dirt. Harith began trading with Doc. Travis looked at his Pip-Boy. It was eleven PM. Travis had came out of the Vault a week earlier. It was all over GNR, but it wasn't anything special except for the fact that Travis had a Pip-Boy and nobody else did. Harith seemed to be finishing up. He smiled and waved goodbye to Doc Hoff and began walking. It was time to go. "Let's go." Harith said. Travis smiled and jumped up. He began to follow Harith into the dark night.

Despite Spelling Errors and some bad punctuation, I thought it was awsome

What spelling errors? And the only punctuation problem should be the spacing in paragraphs, or just that it's in paragraphs. I'll post more soon. I just need more feedback.

Megaton was going further out of sight as they headed south. They followed a road. The only thing keeping them able to see was Travis' Pip-Boy light. The moon also provided some dim light in the dark wasteland. Travis grasped his rifle tightly. A few meters ahead, Travis heard something rustling in the bushes. He raised his rifle to aim height. He neared the bushes, and a dog jumped out from them. It landed next to Aiden. It ran back a few meters, then lept at Travis.

Travis wouldn't be able to make the shot. When the dog got face to face with Travis, Harith shot it. The shells of his shotgun burst through the skull of the dog, and the pressure in the brain caused the head to explode. Blood got all over Travis' face. "You alright?" Harith asked. "Yeah, I'm fine." Travis said as he wiped off the blood onto his hands. "We've got to be careful out here." Harith said firmly. Travis continued going along with the caravan.

The road was towered by large rocks. It cast a shadow across the entire road. There was another guard other than Travis. It was a female with blonde hair and a large ponytail. She didn't talk once during the trip. Travis checked back at his Pip-Boy. It was now one AM. "Hey, Harith, don't you think we should get some rest?" Travis questioned. "No, we have to get moving. If we sleep, we'll get mauled by a Yao-Guai." Harith responded.

We'll get mauled regardless, Travis thought. They became closer to a clearing. There was a large billboard and a few old cars. A gunshot rang out and a bullet zoomed past Travis' face. "I'm going to tear you apart!" Travis heard someone yell. Raiders. There was a pack of five, all taking cover behind cars. Noticing by observation, most cars still had their engine. This better work, Travis thought as he pulled out a grenade.

He pulled the pin and stood up. He chucked it at the cars, then began to run. "Run!" Travis yelled to the others.The grenade went off. As a chain reaction, the first car exploded then the next, and so on. The cars exploded at once without warning. After a deafening explosion and the screams of the Raiders, Travis looked at what he made of the area. All the cars were on fire and shrapnel fell from the sky. No more Raiders.

Could somebody please post some feedback? It can't be THAT bad.

It was pretty good, but it's a little too short. If you want feedback, you should wait a little bit, I mean it was started today.

You have a poll up, but it has mixed votes.

How is it too short if I'm not even done with it?

The chapters you post are too short, unless this still chapter one, in that case you should of just made it one post.

It's still chapter one but there'll only be three chapters. The story of what happened isn't long. But it's interesting.

Ok then, but honestly I don't find this very interesting.

IT looks pretty interesting. TRy using commas instead of periods, make the sentences longer then four words. Believe me, if you have 100% description, it will look like you worked REALLY hard on it. Thats how they get the books to be big in reality hehehe.

I like this, it's intriguing and different. You should definitely continue.

I actually like the short, snappy sentences, but I guess that's just personal preferance rather than literary know-how.

You should just write the entire first chapter and post it, rather than just write something and submit it. The look of it feels like you're treating it as a series of short stories or an essay. Having a decently long chapter can make it a lot more interesting.

Maybe that's what you think, but I'm not a person who writes a one-post long chapter. Basically, you're asking me to make the chapters shorter.

Nah. Try fusing up all the chapters into at least one or two post. Doesn't mean to make them shorter, just fuse post up togethor. I can sort of see where your going with this though. To post one giant wall of text that is a chapter, then having only two more left to go wouldn't be fun at all, now would it?

It could be good, but the since its Chapter 1, and for some reason broken up I'm not really liking it. Maybe shorten the chapters and fuse them together like has already been said, then make a chapter 2. That's the point right, to have multiple chapters to read, rather than ONE big chapter which would honestly be quite boring. And also in some places you lost my interest, and my mind began to wander (mainly at the beginning).

Also, there is a little repitition in words.

"He pulled the pin off. He chucked it at the car."

"He pulled the pin off, then swung his arm forward, letting the grenade soar toward the car."

Just adding that little extra detail can help alot.

Yeah, basically.. I guess this is where I start Chapter Two.

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Chapter 2: Into Fairfax

A mushroom cloud loomed above the entire clearing of cars. The cars were now reduced to piles of scrap metal and ash. Travis stood up and walked into the opening. He found the dead Raiders. Their bodies were mutilated and torn from the explosion. Travis found whatever usable guns and ammo, and made his way back to Harith. "I dunno if this will help, but here you go.." Travis said as he handed a few pistols and ammo. Harith nodded and took the items. He stowed them away into the storage packs on the brahmin, and continued through.

They still followed the same road. Up ahead to the south, about a quarter of a mile was several buildings. They were tall and were most likely apartment complexes, while others were small two-story buildings. The moon appeared right above the entire area. Travis didn't feel right about this place. He checked his back pocket and pulled out a small folded piece of paper. He unfolded it, it was the caravan routes for all caravans. The area they were heading to was nowhere on the map. "Umm.. Harith, are you sure we're going the right way?"

"Trust me, I know what I'm doing. I heard about this place and decided to give it a try." Harith responded in confidence. As they neared it, the moon began to go down and the sun began to come up. The light of dawn began to wash over the wasteland. Travis checked his Pip-Boy for the time. The time said that it was late six AM, almost seven o'clock. They became closer and closer to the large city-like area. No signs of life were shown about this place. Travis felt like he was being watched.

Soon enough, they were now on the streets of the city area. A sign on the highway a while back said, 'Now entering Fairfax'. Travis guessed that was the place they were in, and it was obvious. They walked down the road, and to the left, a Raider came from the corner of a large building. He began shooting rapidly, and with that more Raiders appeared at the bottom of the road. Travis looked through his rifle's aimer and got a clear shot on the Raider next to the building. The bullet from his rifle dug into the Raider's neck, and the other guard began shooting at him too.

Her assault rifle rounds made the Raider's body jerk back and forth before he let out a yell and fell onto his back in his own blood. Travis began shooting at the Raiders at the bottom of the road now. It wasn't long before the team of Travis, Harith, and Harith's other guard took down the last visible Raider. Travis continued down ahead of the others. He wanted to take the bullets for Harith, because Harith was a notorious caravaner with a great reputation. And if they made it out alive, Harith would be showering Travis with caps.

Once at the bottom of the road, he noticed no Raiders. "All clear." Travis said. No response. He turned around and looked up. Harith and the other guard were running away. Damn! Travis turned back up the road and ran as fast as he could to catch up with the others. They were very far away. After a few moments, they stopped. Travis continued to run, and eventually caught up. "WHAT THE [censored]?!" Travis said while panting and sweating. He was bent over, hands-on-knees gasping for air. "I'm sorry, but we had to run before more came." Harith said.

Harith continued his trek through the Fairfax Ruins as Travis followed.

I'll plan on 'fusing' things up later or after I'm done. Anyways.. Was the update at least decent?