(I never took very long to write this, I encourage criticism to help me improve the continuation of this Fanfic)

Chapter I - Vault 87


In the beginning there shall be pain,
In the middle there shall be happiness,
In the end there shall be peace.


"He wake up!"

"He still alive?!"

"Welcome to Vault 87 friend!"

"MY HEAD!" I scream, "Don't worry friend! It go away!" said another strange voice.

"What you all waiting for? GET HIM OUT OF THERE!" Said another.

"NO! Let him wake up first, he could turn on us like Fawkes!"

"You right, let him know good news first".


I open my eyes to see horrible monsters - around 5 of them who I am seperated from by a small prison like room, I don't freak out which is weird because I usually would if I was in a situation like this before, I just think due to there previous words they don't want to eat me and I am just hoping they don't change there minds.

"What do you want from me?!" I yell in a voice that is not my own. I start to question why I sound like this but one of the monsters speak.

"You been made one of us, you help us make more of us OK?!" he yells violently

"I'm... one of YOU?" I shook these words out of my mouth.

The monsters say nothing, instead leaving me to examine myself.

My skin has turned green, I am more or less at eye level with the other monsters, i feel incredibly strong, so strong that I could take rip that door off and tear the heads off the monsters viewing me, I decide against this, instead I let out a monsterish scream.

"Raaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuugghhhhhhh" I then break down and start to cry with tears flowing out of my eyes.

I hear the sound of the door opening, one of the mutants helps me up and pats me on the back.

"Don't worry friend, some take it worse than others".

"What... AM I?!" I shout disgusted.

"You a Super Mutant! Welcome to Vault 87!"

It's a good outline, but you want a lot more character development.

A good goal to set, is to make sure that whenever you write text in quotations, your readers know exactly who is saying it.

It's also a little too short. Spacing the dialogue like you're supposed to in writing a page makes the story seem a lot longer than it actually is.

It seems like a good Prelude to a story, but something like this won't be big and descriptive enough for an entire chapter.

Thanks, although this is just the prologue - the transformation. I will try to put in such things when I get around to the main story, I do have a plan for it as indicated by the opening sentence. Although after this a problem was presented, basically East coast mutants are big and strong, but dumb. Which will make character development a bit tough, I am planning the main character to keep most of his intelligence.

(Also you weren't to know specifically who said the message because the main character never quite knew)

Then make an effort to develop Fawkes more than someone would develop a regular character.

It's promising, Bacon.

Thank you, Also this is something I haven't quite decided yet, should he leave Vault 87 instead of staying with the other mutants or should he stay?

Stay. At least for a little while.

M'kay

Chapter II - Super Mutant


"Daniel, how come you smart like stupid bleeders"? Tim enquired

"Well, to be honest I don't really know Tim".

"STRANGE, you want some?" Tim offered the leg of a recently killed bleeder to me

"No thanks Tim, i'm not hungry, we should get these bleeders to the Vault."

"Yeah, sure you no want some?"

"I'm sure Tim" I said confidently

"Tim then took 2 bleeders and thrusted them onto his shoulders, they were unconscious so they weren't screaming which was a pleasant change."

We then began to walk back to the Vault. Tim was nice company for when we hunted for bleeders, we often go out by ourselves, I was the one that brought him to Vault 87, he was walking around with two other bleeders that had collars on, I tried taking them all home but the ones with the collars exploded and only Tim was left, he took his Mutation much better than me, (Probably due to his underwhelming intellect) although I never told him I was the reason he was what he was today.

On the way we saw another mutant wandering without a shirt or weapon of any kind, we approached him and he stood his ground. There was a few moments of silence before the strange mutant said something

"Greetings strangers, it's nice to see other mutants out here".

Tim was less formal and reached out and hugged him "HELLO, I AM TIM AND THIS IS MY BEST FRIEND DANIEL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE!?"

The stranger was taken off guard, after a few seconds he hugged back.

"Hello Tim and Dan-e-al I take it you are going to put those Bleeders in the dark metal cages"?

I spoke up, "Yes, these bleeders are going to Vault 87, what's your name friend"?

"Name's Uncle Leo and if you don't mind, can you let those Bleeders go?"

I was taken off guard by his most peculiar request but Tim was first to ask "Let Bleeder go? WHY!"

"I don't want them put in the dark metal cages like I was, it was horrible, have some compassion, you were once a bleeder too you know".

All Super Mutants knew they were once Bleeders, the thing is nobody remembers anything before being turned into a Mutant, alot of the time the last moments of a Mutant's last moments as a Bleeder are not shared by the one who catches them, this is because most of the time, it is forgotten.

"We were once Bleeders, we know this but we are making them stronger than what they were before, we are increasing the population of Mutantkind".

Uncle Leo shakes his head "In my travels, there were moments where I could observe Bleeders and not be shot at, they do not wish to become us, to them we are the freaks, the monsters, the ones who wish to take there life away from them, they are intelligent creatures, more intelligent than you and I, how can you tell what is best for them when they know what is best for them, please at the very least please let these humans go and let them enjoy the remainder of the short lives they have left."

"Put them down Tim." I said gently.

Tim dropped the bleeders without question.

"Thank you, you have made an old man happy."

Uncle Leo untied the Bleeders and we left left them there. Uncle Leo said nothing more, he just started walking and eventually vanished into the Wastes.

My perception of Bleeders was forever changed.



(Sorry these are short, and for those who don't know 'Bleeder' is a term Vault 87 Super Mutants use for humans)

I can already tell my writing style is going to need alot of improvement...

Try describing the setting a bit.

I like to write in a sort of Third Person All Knowing (forgot the word for that, omni-something) style. It's a lot easier for me at least than writing in First Person for any length of time.

Your story thus far is in First Person like "I woke up in a prison of sorts and saw the five....."

It might be easier for you to write "Daniel came to in a small concrete room, a prison of sorts, and raising his head saw five...."

You're doing good with dialogue, but try to put in more descriptive content. Talk about the environment they're in, describe the mutants, describe the bleeders.

I like to write up a rough draft and then go back over and flesh it out.

Will do my friend, thank you so much for reading and thanks alot more for the tips.

I will be keeping first person because this is a story of a man dealing with being a super mutant, his problems and how his views change along the way, it makes it easier to describe his emotions and feelings this way.

Chapter III - Fawkes


I had proceeded to my room in the living quarters, it was nice and quiet there. Sadly the room was also cold and rusted, there was also a Terminal online in my room, just taunting me, I wish I could read without my head hurting. The room had several posters but they annoyed me since reading them hurt my head so I just tore them down. The bed was very small but just big enough for me to lie down with my legs dangling at the end. I just sat there thinking about what Leo said, he is the only Mutant I had met so far that was near my intelligence level, while Tim was nice and great company, I just feel he couldn't understand what I felt, none of the mutants here could, I couldn't discuss my problems with anyone here. Should Bleeders have to become things such as us? Why am I much more intelligent than my fellow mutants? I eventually decided these questions wouldn't be answered unless I sought them out, so I wandered the dark halls of Vault 87.

The Vault and my quarters were not much different, cold and rusted. The whole thing was like an endless maze filled with clues of the Bleeders who eventually became creatures such as us. Failed experiments and humans to become us decorated the once empty one man prisons. I felt sick to my stomach looking at these, I could have ended up as one of these deformed dead creatures. I eventually stumbled upon a peculiar fellow in one of the rooms I was once locked up in, he was locked in too but he was a full mutant and payed no attention to me whatsoever, he simply concentrated on the terminal in the room. I tapped on the reinforced glass and his turned his head to look at me for a few seconds. Just before I could initiate a conversation with him he sunk himself back into the world of his little Terminal. I tapped the glass again, this seemed to annoy him. He walked up to the intercom in his room and signaled for me to go to the intercom next to me.

"I am not going to start collecting the 'Bleeders' for you, go away you dumb brute." I was a bit offended by his words but then I realised something, he didn't talk like the other mutants, perhaps he was intelligent, I eventually pieced together that he - like me recently has a problem with dragging people from there lives to become one of us. I decided to ask him if what I thought was true and he was pleasantly suprised.

"You... you can speak normally... not the child's rabbling all of the other dumbasses here say". At last, I had found an intelligent mutant to talk to.

"Yes, It seems we are more intelligent than the other Super Mutants here". I could not see his expressions behind the intercom but It looked like he was coming to terms that there is an intelligent mutant here. He eventually spoke again.

"Names... names Fawkes, You?"

"My name is Daniel friend, how long have you been in here"?

"I... don't know, it could be hundreds of years or just a few months, time stands still in here, day in day out I stare at this Terminal hoping to learn new words, new ways of thinking, i am starting to think it's the only thing KEEPING ME SAAANE, THE OTHERS KEEP ME IN HERE BECAUSE I REFUSE TO GET THEM MORE...recruits."

Fawkes lets out a final sigh and the weight of all that he was going through hit him at once and he collapsed onto his bed (Breaking it in two in the process) and he started sobbing.

I didn't know what to do, perhaps me and Fawkes could escape, to leave this dreary place in search of a better place for both of us. The problem was how would we both get out of here alive? Should be bring Tim with us? All of these new thoughts of escaping flooded my mind all at once until I finally stabilized myself, I had made a decision.

"Fawkes, we are leaving".

I really like your story idea and I've always wondered how a human would feel, waking up as a Super Mutant! You really capture the speech pattern of the more "stupid" mutant perfectly!

Now, as a new writer, I would like to point out a few pitfalls and how to avoid them:

Looking at the above quote, notice how you repeat the word "room", "head hurting", "read/reading". Repetition hinders the flow of a story and your reader will stumble over the same words, over and over. It also doesn't help setting the mood or showing the reader what your character sees.

Try this:

I headed towards the Living Quarters and entered my room. Torn posters covered the otherwise grey walls and only the greenish light of a single monitor illuminated my cold quarters. All was quiet and I would have been glad about it, where it not for that damn monitor, sitting there, taunting me. I closed my eyes, wishing for the millions time I could read without getting these killer headaches.

Well, or something like that. Let all your descriptions flow into each other and let your readers experience your world through your character's eyes, feelings, emotions, senses.

Why thank you! I will heed your advice and thanks for reading!

(Also, the title choice was not just for Daniel, it was for me too )

I'm starting to think this is a crappy idea and After many drafts I can't pull the escape from Vault 87 off... probably keep out of writing so I'm not rubbing my crap all over this forum.

Nah nah, keep writing.

If you got stuck start over again with a different setting.

I've started at least 4 fan fictions and 3 rps on these boards and none of them ever made it to a proper ending.

One of the best things about this forum is watching people develop.

You're already good with dialogue. Combine sections of that dialogue with the descriptive bits you put together just now and you're doing pretty damn good.

Perhaps try to think of a story with multiple main characters. Old_Andy and goristhescholar are easily amongst, if not THE, best writers here and both of the stories I remember them for revolved around at least 3 main characters.

Thanks for all the feedback everyone

Oh very short chapter, but I really like the emotions you captured in this one.

Now, another tip, you are writing in 3rd person view, so that means you are controlling your main character - Daniel. You can show the reader what he feels and thinks, but you place restrictions onto other character's thoughts and feelings. Daniel doesn't know what Fawkes thinks or feels, he can maybe see some doubt in his eyes, but when you say: Fawkes nodded his head, all the while wondering if I was trying to deceive him somehow... you are doing what editors call "head jumping". It's better if you said: I could see some doubt in Fawkes eyes, and I didn't blame him, why should he trust me?

Anyway, I'm glad they are leaving and I hope they make it out ok!

The chapter is unfinished

EDIT: Now finished

Post mistake

Chapter IV - Escape


Fawkes stood still, the warm green glow of his monitor shining on his face, he was expressionless. He eventually came to.

"Why would you do this for me, you just met me"?

"I am looking for meaning in my life, you are the most intelligent mutant I have met so far and you seem to be going insane in that room, I think we could make something of ourselves out in the wasteland, Me, you and Tim."

Fawkes nodded his head, all the while wondering if I was trying to deceive him somehow, he eventually came to a decision.

"Go down to the room on the right and use the console to activate the alarm, releasing me and every human in here"

I nodded and made my way to the room on the right, without hesitation I activated the console, I wanted to do this now.

I walked back to find Fawkes standing outside his room, he ran to be and hugged me.

"THANK YOU FRIEND, YOU SAVED ME FROM ROTTING IN THAT PRISON, I AM FOREVER IN YOUR DEBT"!

I attempted to as much of a smile as my Mutant Like sneer would allow. I eventually just hugged him back.

"If you wish to repay me, get me, you and Tim out of here". Fawkes Nods

"You have my word, what's the plan"?

"Well, I don't have one". I waited for Fawkes to yell at me.

"HAHA! That should make this more interesting eh"?

I nodded, pleased that he had the same frame of mind as me, and we continued down the corridor it was confirmed that all the rooms were open, the Humans that were to become us Mutants started running as soon as the doors opened, I heard Fawkes wishing them luck. I did too.

We came across a dead super mutant who I had never talked to before, looks like he tried to stop the prisoners from escaping, his face was almost mush. I never meant for it to be like this. We said nothing of it to each other and continued to walk through the darkness.

More bodies followed, both mutant and human, I felt nothing. None were Tim so it didn't matter to me. Eventually we found Tim, half dead. We were silent, , me and Fawkes helped him walk. He looked into my eyes, almost trying to say Thank you, we followed the bodies to the exit, true freedom.

Is anyone still reading these?

I know I am. But look at 'views', you might notice increase in them.

Yea, I'm reading it! I don't think the last chapter was completed the last time I checked. I don't remember reading that they found Tim, half alive! Awwww, I hope he pulls through and I hope the 3 of them will find a new live in the Mojave! Wonder where they will go next!?