Smashing the butt of my sniper rifle into a man's jaw, I looked at my surroundings. I fell to my knees, scratching my sweaty face as it began to itch furiously. Demons, sprites, and ghosts danced around me in an immaculate spectra of colors and twisting shapes. I watched the man's unconscious body as it began to melt, and I screamed in pleasure, smashing my rifle again and again into his dissipating form. "Harder, hit him harder!" screeched a naked harpy, its talons glistening with blood and other foul liquids.

I obeyed the creature's commands, and my arms began to feel heavy, and the blows of the rifle began to weaken. Then, blackness. Haunting images swirled around my mind, exploding in different colors and formations and things that would drive a sane man mad. Becoming one with the swirling miasma, I fell into a sleep.

"Agh!" I shouted, bolting upright. I looked around to see if the demons still haunted me. My visions had began to worsen, and that's when I looked to my right. A gruesomely mutilated body was splayed about there, and I grabbed my rifle.

I recoiled instantly, my rifle was covered in warm, sticky liquid; blood. "No.. No! Not again!" Dropping onto my knees again, sobs wracked my body as I cried into my bloody hands. I picked myself up and looked at the man. "Charles dikeerson" was written on a nametag on the man's chest. I didn't know who it was, or what he was doing in the tunnels. "Son of a [censored]! Why would you come here?!" My mind raged at the man, and my anger began to rise.

"No.. No. Just.." I coughed, spittle and mucus splashing onto the floor with a wet thud. I grabbed a bottle of water and gulped several times, sated. I didn't know what to do with the body. The entire reason I had moved into the subway tunnels was to get away from the people so I wouldn't hurt them, and now that was exactly what I had done.

Seven people had been brutally murdered by me in the past month. I couldn't live like this, not for long at least. It had to come to an end.

Dragging the body to a hatch, I tugged him over the edge, into a sewage drain that I had unbolted. His body crunched onto the wet, sticky metal at the bottom of the drain. Wiping the tears and blood from my face, I rose to my full height and sighed. "When will it all end?!"

Oh srry.. Meant for Fallout Fanfiction, not Fallout RP.. Sorry, guys x_x

That was brilliant! Superb Grammar, not one spelling mistake, and a wonderful story too! Fantastic! ^_^

I like it how you make it seem like the dream is real but just a halosanation 5 outa 5 :trophy: so when are you going let us know when to post

I'm glad you guys liked it.. I'll post sometime later today, gotta get some stuff done first. But yeah I just reread it, it was pretty good, probably my best Fallout FF so far. When I wrote it I just kind of [censored] it out onto teh page lol. But still glad you guys liked it. Getting CH 2 out asap.

No critique is proper without me!


5/5


Not a single spelling mistake , well written. I love it.


Keep going walrus, this is fantastic.

Thanks, Enclave. Your guys' critiques make me want to write more!

Gotta do some stuff for a lil bit, I'll be back in like 30 minutes n start writin'.

This is great! I loved the part at the very beginning. Please continue this.

Aha! So it is a ff and not an rp. I am no longer confused. You have done well. I like the taint of madness and fantasy critters therein. Who Charles dikeerson sound familiar...hmmm...

Tbh, I had had like 3 bowls of some dank before I started writing, so I don't even know where the hell the name came from lmao. But yeah, glad yee liked it.

Come to think of it, I should go pick up some mo' if I wanna write.

I winced, forcing my combat knife through the fat folds of the molerat's filthy neck. Piercing the vertebrae, the animal began to kick and scream, before lying still when I plunged the blade through the base of its tiny skull. If only I could live with the humans.. These blasted molerats wouldn't be able to keep me going much longer. I threw it backhand onto the fire pit, I trudged towards the light at the end of the tunnel. Bits of dust and flecks of filth blowing around on the subterranean wind got in my eyes, but I ignored them. Such things weren't of my concern, at least not any more. I used to give a damn about how I looked, or the pain I felt but now everything was just a bleak grayness. That is, unless my tormentors decide to haunt me.

I saw some nearby shambling forms, probably ferals. I had made a sort of a pact with them, they don't really mind my presence any more. I think I've begun to become one of them, but I wouldn't care. A tear rolled down my face as I aimed my energy pistol at my temple. I fight for control of my hand, if I could overcome the demons I could finally be in peace. They wouldn't like that, no, they wouldn't let me be free. Scratching viciously at my scalp, I kicked a rock, and watched in amazement as it kicked up a trails of dust as it flew, looking like a tiny little car riding across a sandy desert.

"Gruah. I smell mon keigh near here," grunted a guttural voice. It must've been a good twenty feet away, and with all the rubble I could salvage as cover I probably wasn't in much danger, at least, I hoped not.

Falling onto all fours, I scuttled behind a large fallen rock. "Mon keigh close now, I rip mon keigh to shreds! RAhghahah!" howled the same deep, brutish voice.

"Shad ap you idiot! Don' wantuh get dead do ya!" this voice was followed by what sounded like something being slapped.

"Yegh yeh boss."

I raised my customized ripper and energy weapon, bracing myself for a possible fight. Then I heard the rubble behind me shift. I don't remember ever being as frightened as I was at that moment, besides perhaps the first time I had seen unreal things.

I flipped around, revving my ripper. A huge Yao Guai lumbered towards me, slobber flinging out of its gaping, fang-lined maw all the while. "Aieieiieee!" I screamed and was surprised when it licked my face, instead of ripping me to shreds.

A friendly Yao Guai?! Was this another hallucination? "God damnit! Leave me alone you sons of [censored]es!"

"Wuts datt noise, eh boss!"

"Prolly datt mon keigh we smelled gud n propa. Lets give em a nishe beatin' eh," said "Boss" who stomped into view, brandishing a gatling laser, and firing wildly. A streaking blur of energy struck the Yao Guai on the flank, and it howled in pain and anguish.

It leaped onto the rock, flying through the air before landing on "Boss" and mauling him into a pulp of blood and rotten flesh.

Watching as the other mutant dropped its rifle and fled, I approached the huge, malformed bear. I patted it on the head. "Good boy."

Any comments? critique? I rlly want to improve <_<

That was very well-written. I like this. And I like the friendly Yao Guai. Seems a little familiar. Can't wait to see where this goes.

I'm just writing whatever comes to my mind for lol. Glad yer enjoyin' it.

Guys plz :[. Critique! I want to make it better! Be absolutely brutal and savage in ur critique! Plz!

"Get away. I don't want to hurt you," I shouted, my voice raised at the mutated beast. I don't know what I'd do if I killed the animal during one of my visions. "Please, just go away." It licked me with its huge, yellowish red tongue. I cried into my hands, realizing the thing wasn't going to leave. "It's your fault if I kill you, man. But in the mean while you need a name. How 'bout Rhino?"

The animal panted, and reared up on its hind legs. That was when I first really studied the creature, and noticed how giant it was. It had to be at least four times my size, and probably more than that weight wise. "Hah as if I could ever hurt you. C'mon. We gotta get to Megaton before those sons of [censored]es in my head come back."

I patted its matted fur, and began walking. The ferals kept their distance, and just looked at us with empty stares. A few grumbled or growled, some flashing their mangled teeth or fleshy talons.

"Buzz off ya cannibals," I shouted, waving the energy pistol in the air, the sniper rifle strapped across my back. We weren't far from Megaton, it was about a mile through the wastes.

Only took fifteen minutes to arrive, and I spotted several figures outside. I approached, the Yao Guai stayed back, though, recognizing the danger. It trotted off into the wastes, probably back to my humble abode.

OOC: I'll finish this chapter tommorow. Hope yall liked it so far :]

Waiting eagerly for the next chapter Walrus. I'd like to see your char kill a BoS squad or something like that. :clap:

Haha after I finish this chapter I'm going to have a rlly epic battle in the next one, it's either going to be against Talon Co. or Brotherhood, or against his demons.

I have a really cool plot twist coming up that's going to be really cool.

Not too bad; I'm liking it so far. Nice descriptions of what's going on--showing, not telling--and the way you write Super Mutant dialogue is kind of hilarious Also, thank you for double-spacing between paragraphs!

Looking forward to seeing more and I'm totally curious about what is wrong with him. I hope everything goes well with his new friend

Heh I would tell yall what ideas I have, but that wouldn't be any fun x3. I might actually finish this chapter in a couple hours, and maybe even start CH4. He's already slightly insane, if none of you had already picked up on that.

Well, I figured he was off his nut, but I was more wondering how he got that way, if there was more to it, or if it was just how he was born.

He began hallucinating when raiders killed his family in front of him, the visions started instantly after his last relative lay dead, and he snapped, brutally slaughtered the raiders, and after receiving the visions every week or so when he stayed in Megaton for two months, he had killed two people. He was lucky, though, that teh mayor took pity on him and instead of killing him banished him to teh wastes so he wouldn't hurt any more people. He had spent only a month in the subway tunnels, and has already killed seven people who he didn't even know.

^ just made that up quickly, might modify it later.

Alrighty, you want criticism...

:cracks knuckles: Lets get down to business then! Starting with the mechanics.

There are several places in your writing where a semi-colon or an entirely new sentence would be better suited to the comma you have. For instance, "I recoiled instantly, my rifle was covered in warm, sticky liquid. Blood." This would look much better with the first comma replaced by a semi-colon, or, if you want to extend it, make it an entirely new sentence and replace the period between the last word and blood with a semi-colon.

I've also noticed a few places where you change styles, switching from past to present and vice-versa. "These blasted molerats won't be able to keep me going much longer." I would make these italicized or change the won't to a wouldn't. That sentence really breaks flow for me.

You have several misspelling scattered throughout, such as misspelling Yao Guai at one point. Again, breaks flow. I don't expect perfection, mind you, but when I decide to deliver criticism, it comes full force.

Another thing is that you use ellipses like this.. Instead of the proper... I found that odd and wanted to point it out.

Moving on from the basics, your description is generally good. Could use some work in some places, particularly when it comes to describing your surroundings. (Which you should always do, incidentally.) Your character seems well done and thought out, but a bit too ax crazy for my enjoyment. Which is rather odd, when you think about it, as my favorite character in my fic A Cloak of Lies crosses the threshold from ax crazy to a plain sociopath. That aside, I'm curious as to how you plan to develop him. Does he go down the road to the regular old psychopath, or become something more? Only time will tell that.

Right now I can seem him becoming a heroic sociopath, (If that's what you're aiming for.), or he could end up as something else. Though it seems to me, if past experiences are anything to judge , that he'll be a single-issue, psychopathic, ax crazy determinator with dissonant serenity. NOTE: If the past sentence made no sense to you, take heart, as it means you actually have a life. I, on the other hand, have spent far too much time on TVTropes. It svcks out your soul.

Aside from making it longer, (Which, if you enhance the descriptions, will kill two birds in one stone.) I think you can expand a bit on the character to avoid the whole single-issue psychopathy deal you have going. You see, it would take a traumatic event that's off the [censored] charts to make someone as ax-crazy as your character. In fiction, everyone obviously ignores this, but still. You should explore his backstory. Make more of an explanation for this than raiders killed his whole family. People simply don't snap like that; it would require a series of traumatic events or the psychological equivalent of a nuke going off in his face. Especially in a place as rough as the wastes, where people would be acclimated to such violence. Look at Wilkes for instance, whose family and neighbors were slaughtered by giant, fire breathing ants. (A far more traumatic experience, if you ask me.) He barely even flinches. He's in shock; desensitized, if you will. That's how your character would be acting.

Ambrose, you write too much! >:[

Good stuff Walrus, the first paragraphy was epic. I was like "Is this the Walrus I e-know?"