This is the beginning of my first TES fan fiction story. I would like honest opinions only and I believe constructive criticism is useful. Please, only give your honest opinion. I realize this is a bit short, but it is only a prelude and an example of what my story includes. I would like to edit this after I can get some opinions on it. This is all I have for this part. It is small, but I needed to know my strongpoints and weakpoints from now. Obviously, this is far from what my final writing style will be like. This entire story will be for getting some experience with writing fan fiction. Please, let me know what you think, and future writing of mine will be longer.



Fall From Grace

Part 1:

An odd city sat quietly among a unique realm. The flickering of flames from freshly lit torches illuminated the shadowy streets, still giving off the smell of freshly cut trees. The city's inhabitants were nowhere to be seen, thanks to the strict curfew placed on the realm. This night in particular was slightly humid and a light, cool breeze flew gently over the streets. The trickling of water could be heard amidst the serene silence, but this was merely the quiet before the coming storm.

Deep into the city, past the vibrant gardens and dark plants, sat a magnificent palace. Simple walkways around the gardens, made out of finely placed stone, led to the entrances of the castle.

Through the front doors was a long, ornately decorated room. There stood a tall being and on the throne beside him sat a figure. The figure was seemingly an Imperial with long, black hair and green eyes. His eyes reflected those of one who had seen much. The figure held in his hand a large and unusual staff that alone gave off an aura of power. He looked across the room, deep in thought.

The silence was soon broken by a humble word. "Sir", said the standing man. "There is still some trouble with mysterious attacks near the coast. Do you wish for me to send a small group to investigate?" The imperial replied "Yes, and do it quickly." "Yes sir." The tall figure walked subtly out of the room as the Imperial remained gazing at the opposite wall. His eyes were those of a deeply isolated figure. After he slowly rose to his feet, he proudly walked towards the door at his right.

Walking past several of his trophies, he opened the door and continued past an exotic buffet and a small, vibrant garden. He entered yet another room full of wine and drugs.

Sitting down on his bed, the figure poured wine into a silver goblet and drank it, then he repeated the process several times. After that, he ingested a strange drug. He, then intoxicated, laid down on his bed and slept, only to dream the strangest of dreams. In his dreams, he saw warriors dressed in armor. This dream also showed strange beings who appeared to be human. They whispered to the figure, but the figure was unsure of what was said. This vision lasted the entire night.

"My lord, please wake up" said the previously-mentioned tall figure. "What is it?" demanded the Imperial figure as he rose to his feet. "We are under attack, my lord. The slaves of your enemy are upon your great city's footsteps." "Curse them!" The Imperial figure dashed to the city walls grabbing only his staff before heading out.

As the powerful figure went outside the city, chaos ensued. Specific creatures turned their attention away from the guards of the city to the Imperial. The Imperial raised his staff and with a single swing, channeled his power and released a wave of immense destruction. The wave washed over the creatures, rendering them nothing but dust. Another wave arrived and were able to deflect the Imperial's magic. The imperial responded by wielding his staff elegantly and in a defensive style. The creatures charged in with their swords, but seemed unprepared to match the Imperial's skill. The imperial took on this group alone and twirled his staff to block hits. Occasionally, the Imperial saw an opening and always took it. The first creature met its demise in the form of the Imperial's staff entering the creature's stomach and coming out of the creature's back. Dozens of creatures fell to the same style of execution. In the Imperial's wake was left a large pile of corpses. The battle was over, for now.

As the guards then proceeded to barricade the city walls, the Imperial retreated into the city to once again isolate himself within his palace walls. 'This is only the beginning', thought the Imperial. 'It must be done. I can no longer delay this.'

First and foremost: paragraphs. You made big blocks of text, when it should be more broken up. The 'enter' button is your friend. Use it. For instance, when you have a dialogue, when one person stops talking and another begins, you should ALWAYS make a linebreak.


The word 'realm' is repeated too quickly. There are synonyms such as fief or domain you could use.


I wouldn't use 'and' here but a comma instead or even a period. But that's probably my personal taste. Your way is not wrong.


I would put this sentence into a new paragraph, making a linebreak before it. You have described scenery before, now you go to the palace's description and the person sitting in it.


Another paragraph as you've just moved from the palace's exterior into interior.


It seems strange to announce a chat with so much pomp. It will be a dialogue between a master and a servant, not a verbal clash of epic proportions.


Was the room of wine and drugs in the garden or did he walk through the garden? I'm confused. Perhaps you need to say that he passed through the garden.

You use 'he' and 'figure' together. A figure is a 'it' so I would suggest using words like 'man' or 'noble' to go with 'he'. There are other ways you could call him. I think by now we all know who 'he' is so you might start calling him by his name. Of course, you haven't told us his name yet but this is fan fiction so the rules are a bit different.


This is the way a dialogue needs to be broken up. You can look up the dialogues in my fan fic if you wish.

Also, that comma right after "What is it?" doesn't need to be there.

In the end, the 'figure' label is becoming quite annoying.

If 'he' is so powerful, why does he need to send an army as it was told in the second block of text?

Two hundred years and only now he realizes he should do something about it? If he is that mad, perhaps he needs some inner confrontation to come to this solution. Otherwise, the 200 year thing is not credible. It would make it more interesting to see him fight with his madness, then breaking through it and finally coming to a rational way to deal with it.

Your intial pace is slow, which doesn't neccesarily mean a bad thing. But when trouble arises, you pace becomes incredibly fast. Only a few lines of text and the confrontation is over.

Great job Seti18, I love it so far, keep it coming.

Ah, I see my friend Peleus has covered much of the more grammatical portion, so I'll skip that

Well, my initial impression is that your writing is much better than I anticipated. At least now I'm not the only one that tries to be humble (because lord knows its hard when one has such amazing talent and skill at, well, just about everything to do with literature ). However, I also have to say that you do have some room to improve (which is good). You wanted to know your strong and weak points, and I can most definitely tell you those!

Your details seem to be very good, if lacking at times. I think that the problem is that you aren't well rounded with them enough, just keep writing descriptive passages and you will avoid any kind of confusion or repetition of words. Peleus covered a lot of that well, but make sure you can read over your stuff and know exactly what is happening. There are times when you want to leave the audience guessing, but describing the scene is not one of them.

Also, with the descriptions, don't say things too often. You emphasize the whole "split" thing a lot. We don't need to know from the start that it is the realm of htarogoehS, leave it a little misty. Say split maybe once or twice, and if they don't pick up on it immediately be sure to be clear later. The introduction can have the audience be confused for a while; it can actually help to hook them (if they already know what's up, then why would they keep reading?)

An important thing to keep in mind with describing a scene: the whole point is for the reader to visualize. Telling us things like we're looking at a picture isn't usually the way to go. It's difficult to explain, but your first paragraph almost seems like your pointing out features on a photo, not describing something. Descriptions are made to tell us what stands out, or little things that set the tone. Believe it or not, the reader's mind will fill in most blank spots, especially if they know your talking about the palace in the Isles. But even if they don't, they won't become disoriented, and telling us things like that seems like listing stuff off. The point of descriptions (and writing in general) is to entertain and keep the reader interested while giving information needed for the plot. The setting is needed for the plot, thus why we describe it. But we don't need to know everything, alright


Also in introductions, I wouldn't mention any kind of plot stuff like this "invasion". Just have the dialogue be normal, everyday stuff. Bring the main plot point to focus later, at the end of the introduction or into the rising action. The introduction, or exposition, is flat on the plot graph for a reason. It doesn't bring us any closer to the climix, and it does that for a reason. Intros are my favorite part of a story, and arguably the most important. And the biggest mistake in intros is starting off with plot. Hold your horses! Once again, that information is not required if you can hook the reader with the descriptions and the character. They know there will be a plot, don't underestimate them.


I am taking more time than I had anticipated (and much more space), so before I go I will lightly touch on "Show, don't tell". You might have heard this before, and there is a reason for it- it is arguably the biggest, furthest reaching rule in writing. No one wants to read you telling us what the character is feeling. We do like it when you show us things like his eyes, or his internal thoughts (dialogue) that will let us imply his mood and feelings. We should learn his character through his thoughts and actions, not through narration. Narration is what we use to tell thoughts and actions, not overall moods and ideas.

"His eyes were those of a deeply isolated figure and his intentions were unclear" Even though you tell us that is what his eyes were saying, you still flat out told us what he is feeling. A better thing to tell us is something we can actually relate to eyes and then link to loneliness or fogginess. A common way of describing eyes when not happy or greedy is "cloudy" or "glassed over". I've never actually seen someone with foggy eyes, but apparently it is when someone looks distracted (I think, I don't even know for sure. But that hasn't stopped me from writing with it ) Subtle insinuations are a much better way of describing character, and you can even rely on stereotypes for your less important characters.

Aww... you even tell us the implications of his dream instead of straight showing it to us. Once again, even if we haven't played the SI main quest yet, we don't need to know that he came from Tamriel. That is what is called foreshadowing, and it can have a huge effect on your writing. I get all excited when I put foreshadowing in, because it makes me feel like I know something the audience doesn't. But do they come and ask me? No, they are confident my story will reveal it, and thus they want to read more. Believe it or not, but knowing things is boring. Do you review two plus two in math every day? No, you go on to new and (hopefully) exciting things. This is also one of the basics of suspense, another important writing tool.

I see it was good I mentioned "Show, don't tell", because it continues into the next mega-chapter. Don't worry, it will come with practice and study. I see quite a bit of potential in this though, and I look forward to your continued career here Because now that you've written something, you can't leave

So, thanks for writing, and keep it up :goodjob:


PS If I didn't mention something you were curious about (because I know I skipped things like pace, literary devices, and the more subtle aspects of dialogue), feel free to ask here or pm me. I usually try to limit myself to three or four things at a time, for all of our sakes.

Welcome to the Fan Fiction Seti18.

Your story is not too bad, the paragraph thing is the one stand out. Once you break it up, it will read much better.
What you read on Word and what it looks like on Fan Fiction are two different things.
Especially leave a gap for each line of dialogue.

I noticed that the start of your story was a large body of description.
Most writers (including myself), prefer to have the main character move through the story and layer a bit of description over it, then move again and layer a bit more.
To have a huge block of description is something I avoid, because, quite frankly, it is very hard to do effectively.
Perhaps when I rise above novice level I might attempt it. :blink:

Even though the description there is trowelled on a bit thick, I do like the fact you have sat down and tried hard to imagine the environment.
Most new writers just move the story forward and forget about painting a picture for the reader. So, well done. :foodndrink:

Peleus alludes to the need to have the whole story flow at the same speed. The start was a slow build up and the battle was very fast.
Over time you will get a better feel for the pace needed in a story.

Good luck and I hope to read more.

"It was wonderful! Do write some more!" - mALX1

Ok, ok... and forgive me for teasing you, and Maxical's Mother at the same time...

Now, these are my suggestions for a rewrite. My additions are in BOLD.


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An odd city sat quietly among a divided realm. The Flickering of flames from freshly lit torches illuminated the shadowy streets, which were still giving off the smell of live trees. (Why live trees? Are there smelly dead trees around?)

The city's inhabitants were nowhere to be seen, thanks to the strict curfew placed on the realm. The trickling of water could be heard amidst the serene silence, but this was merely the quiet before the coming storm. The Skies within this world were a brilliant display of stars and numerous oddities, seen most prominently during the middle of the night.

This realm was as divided as its strange ruler. Deep into the city, past the gardens on one side and the dark plants on the other, lay a magnificent palace. The palace was split, just as the entire realm was, with large, light blue crystals marking its gardens. Simple walkways around the gardens, made out of finely placed stone, led to the entrances of the castle. Four total entrances were divided as well, with two on each side. Armored creatures matching the half of the realm in which they were in respectively, guarded the entrances to the throne room, both being very similar to each other, but still different. Through the front doors was a long, ornately decorated throne room. This room was also divided down the middle, in two.

There stood a tall, well-dressed Breton and on the throne beside him sat a figure, which was the Breton's master. The figure was seemingly an Imperial with long, black hair and green eyes. His eyes reflected those of one who had seen much, but instead of becoming wise he had become insane and his mind distorted. The figure held in his hand a large and unusual staff that alone gave off an aura of power. He was well-dressed in a purple suit and looked across the room, deep in thought.


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That's the grammar and the paragraphing out of the way. After the mechanics, here is the literary criticism.

FIRST, I see that you want to tell the story of an almost schizophrenically divided realm.

So...how did you do it? With all the subtlety of a sledgehammer.

There isn't a limit on the length of your post - it IS possible to tell a story past the 1000 or even 100,000 word mark! In the first long paragraphs we are given an exposition of a divided realm, a divided palace, divided garden, a divided room.. I was expecting a hermaphroditc or bipolar syndrome King by the end. Thank goodness that didn't happen. Although it might, as yet.

Then in the next paragraph, there is an invasion, and in the one following, the invaders have reached the city and attacked.

The whole post sounds more like the notes for a story than a story.

Why not....

1. Paragraph your text as I have shown
2. Expand your story, and not give us just notes. Give us explanations indirectly. Ditto descriptions.
3. And... but there are too many things jarring to tell. So instead of lecturing, I'll attempt a rewrite. Now, suppose you had instead written...


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The stars in the night sky were as strange as the land they looked down on.

Even by the soft glow of starlight and moon, there was enought light to see that the slumbering city's roads were paved oddly. The left half of every street was paved with multicolored stones: the right with gray pebbles.

Houses, gardens too had the same strange, bi-colored duality. One almost expected to see pied skin in the city's inhabitants, but they were nowhere to be seen, thanks to the strict curfew placed on the realm. The trickling of water could be heard amidst the serene silence, but this was merely the quiet before the coming storm.

Deep in the city was a palace, which echoed the division of the city. Surrounded by a field which was half garden on one side and dark, overgrown plant land on the other...

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See what I mean?

I'm not saying that this is perfection, but I believe it reads much better than yours.

Suggestion: read, and revise before posting. Then put it aside, and read something by the author or authors you like best. Read it again.

Then read and revise your post. Again.

Repeat twice more.

THEN post.

Try it. I guarantee your writing will improve immeasurably.

Interesting reviews. I shall take them into consideration. My writing style has been devloped by writing descriptive historical essays, so creativity in my writing is still a little strange to me.

Well, I know it's been a while, but I have edited my post. Again, I only have time to address some issues, but I would appreciate some feedback on if I am stepping in the right direction or not.

Done seti.