Um, hello! Another user told me to post my fanfiction here, he said he liked it well enough and he's a nice guy so s'pose I believe him. XD Am I right to use one thread for the whole thing? I think I'll add the first one or two parts and see if there's any interest, yeah? Please tell me if I do anything wrong!! Oh, and all criticism is more than welcome, BUT even if you have to be really mean, could you phrase it nicely? ^^" Because I get BIG confidence knocks if people are just like, Rofl, you svck. If you read this and you want to read ahead before I post, please go to my dA: http://sakura-kirakira.deviantart.com/gallery/ I hope it's okay to post that. It's just that if someone likes it and doesn't speak up, I'll stop posting, so I want people to have options, or something? Yes. Thank you. I'll put next parts in separate posts but not in separate threads. I think that's right. Anyway, thank you for looking. ^-^
Okay here we go:

(EDIT FOR THE DOC: Sorry, I copy and paste straight from Deviantart!! ^^" I tend to wait until I've done it once before I go through and check it out properly. I have description issues, ahm afraid ^^" I svck. Going to fix naow~)
(SECOND DOC EDIT: Okay so I'm having issues. Do you want me to line break between each line of dialogue? I'll just do paragraphing for now )

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Prologue: Escape!

"Let's see... are you a boy, or a girl?...
A girl? It's a girl, we've got a daughter, Catherine!
A beautiful healthy baby girl!"

"Oh... Oh James, we did it! Our daughter... Our Beautiful daughter..."

"You've got a bright future ahead of you...
I'm sure of it. Look at you! Look at you... Hi there! I'm your Daddy! Daddy!
It's a big world out there. Full of all sorts of people. What about you?
What kind of person are you going to be?"

"James? James?! Something's..."

"Catherine?! She's in cardiac arrest...! Get the baby out of here, move...! Move...!"

One Year Later
"We need a doctor..."
"Fail to meet my expectations and there will be..."
"Don't look straight into..."
"Just like home!"

"Come on, over here, sweetheart! Come on! Walk to Daddy! There you go. My goodness! Just a year old and already walking like a pro! Your mother would have been so proud... Listen, kiddo. I know you don't like it when Daddy leaves you alone, but I need you to take care of yourself for a minute. You just stay here while Daddy runs to his office for a minute. You'll be alright I'll be back in a bit..."

"Hahaha! You are quite the little explorer, aren't you? Serves me right for trying to pen you in... Come on over here. I want to show you something. See that? It was your mother's favourite passage. It's from the bible. Revelations 21:6.

... I am Alpha and Omega. The beginning and the end...
... I will give unto him that is athirst of the fountain of the water of life freely...

She always loved that. Alright, come on. Let's go see if your little friend Amata wants to play..."

Nine Years Later
"These experiments are a waste of time..."
"Damn fool..."
"Gonna cry?! Awwww..."

"Surprise!!!"
"Stanley, you turned the lights on too fast, you blinded the poor kid!"
"Happy birthday!!"~
"Can you believe it? She's growing up soo fast..."

"Happy birthday, honey! I can't believe you're already ten! I'm so proud of you. If only your mother..."

"Congratulations, young lady! I don't have to tell you how special this day is, do I?"
The Overseer. Shilo scowled. The two of them had an unspoken understanding – they did not communicate unless absolutely necessary.
"Down here in the Vault, the day you turn ten, well, you're ready to take on your first Vault responsibilities. So here you are. As overseer, I hereby present to you your very own Pip Boy 3000. Get used to it. You'll be getting your first work assignment tomorrow... ahhaha."
Dad patted her shoulder. "Enjoy your party, honey. You're only ten once, so make the most of it."

"Happy Birthday, Shilo!"
"Oh, hi Amata!"
"Haha! Your dad was afraid you were onto us, but I told him not to worry. You're so easy to fool!"
"N-no... You didn't fool me, I just pretended not to know!"
"Oh yeah? Well if you're so smart, what did I get you for your birthday?"
Shilo grinned. "Urrrrm. A date with Freddy Gomez."
"Ewwww! I didn't even know you liked boys, especially not Freddy the Freak! Gross! Maybe I should give this to someone else, who would like it more than Freddy Gomez...! Haha!"
Amata handed over a copy of Grognak the Barbarian, issue 14.
"No pages missing?!"
"Of course not!"
Shilo said thank you, but Amata had gone to watch Andy cut the cake. Shilo wondered if it would be rude to nip off somewhere to read it.

"Oh, hello dear!"
"Hello, Mrs Palmer." Maybe not.
"Are you having a nice time?"
"I sure am. Wasn't it nice that Dad and the others did all this?"
"It certainly is! My, you're so polite. Here you go, dear – your birthday present – a nice fresh sweetroll I baked for you just this morning."

Wow, maybe Grognak can wait after all!
There was a splatter, a shriek and a robotic groaning sound. Shilo turned to see Amata covered in cake.
"I am mortified, Mister Fox. So sorry." Said Andy, lowering his saw blade. Andy was a pretty old model and his co-ordination wasn't so great anymore. Shilo couldn't help laughing at her friend covered in pink icing. Amata's chestnut hair was coated in the stuff and although she was laughing too, her father looked furious. That only made Shilo laugh harder.

"Hey, punk! I'm hungry, and that stupid robot destroyed the cake! Gimme that sweetroll!"

Who the hell invited this guy?! "Go soak your head, Butch, you're not getting any of it."
"I said give me the sweetroll!"
Shilo took a deep breath and a seconds' preparation and spat on the sweetroll. She held it out to him with a sweet smile, head cocked to one side. "Here you go, Butch!"
"You're gonna pay for that!"
"What's going on here?"
Butch's mouth snapped shut.
"Nothing Officer Gomez." Shilo smirked.
"I'm glad to hear it. As soon as you let someone start pushing you around, they'll never stop." He looked pointedly at Butch and sat back at the counter with Dad and Stanley.

"Shilo?" Dad pulled her to one side, "Could you meet Jonas and me on the reactor level in a second? We've got a surprise for you."
Shilo nodded and skipped off, making sure Butch could see her grinning. What a loser. The cafeteria door opened with a hiss and she stepped out into the grey metal corridor and began walking towards the lit red sign pointing to the reactor. Posters were stuck up every few feet; "All hail the Overseer!" "Procreation is your duty!" and a small scribble in a corner: "Tunel Snakes Rule!"
Is procreation my duty? Shilo pondered. She knew all about procreation, they'd had a class on it once. Butch said his mother told him Christine Kendall's mother procreates with everyone. Mr Brotch said if that was true, then perhaps Mrs Kendall was having bad luck having a baby. Butch said Mrs Kendall was a [censored]. Class was dismissed then.
Jonas was waiting by the storage room door. "Hey, sport! I thought kids weren't allowed down here?"
"Can it, Jonas! I'm ten!"
"You are too. Your own Pip Boy and everything. Wait just a sec – I think your dad will want to give you the surprise himself."
Dad arrived a few seconds later.
"Where's this thing?"
"Right here, sweetheart – your very own BB gun! It was tough to get into working order... good job Butch 'misplaced' that switchblade of his!"
Shilo took it and turned it around in her hands. "We can't shoot it here though, right?"
"Right. Not unless we want the Overseer knocking down our door."
Jonas opened the storage room door revealing a homemade firing range with tin targets. Shilo looked at Dad. He nodded. "Go ahead, take a shot!"
She aimed and fired off three perfect shots. The tin circles spun around on their poles.
"Careful honey – there's a Radroach. See if you can take it out with your BB gun."
The radroach: A badly mutated form of the pre-war cockroach. If it were held vertical, it would be at least half Shilo's height. It took three shots to the head to kill it.
"Well done, honey! Jonas – get a picture of me with the big game hunter, will you...?"



Five Years Later

"You're a perfectly healthy fifteen year old girl and you're more than capable of taking the GOAT."
"Aw... but I'm sick... really!"
"No. You're not. Really. The first thing I learned as a doctor was how to spot a kid trying to skip a test. It's not hard. I'm sure you'll do well. Although... try your best, won't you? The last thing I need is your mother's ghost haunting me because her only child became a garbage collector..."
Jonas passed by as Shilo stormed out of the office. He looked at James. James shrugged.

Outside the classroom, Amata stood in the centre of Butch's gang.
"Leave me alone you stupid Tunnel Snakes!"
"I'll show you a real tunnel snake, Amata."
"Ohhh! Go away!"
Good comeback, Amata. Shilo thought. She sighed and gave Butch a shove.
"What's going on here?"
"What's it to you, punk?"
"Beat it."
"Who's gonna make me?"
Shilo knew she couldn't take Butch on, but the others were easy targets. She turned to Wally Mack, who openly stared from her briasts to her face and back. There was a crunch as Shilo's face broke teeth.
Butch seemed to sober up. He kicked off from the wall and walked away. "Come on guys. This little [censored] ain't worth our time."
"Butch... she-she hit me-!"
"YEAH?! Well I'll hit you if you embarrass me like that again...!"
"You okay, Amata?"
"Yeah... thanks. Those [censored]s. I don't know why they won't leave me alone! Just because I'm the Overseer's daughter I guess."
"Maybe. I'd forgotten all about that. Not." Shilo muttered to herself.
"What?"
"Nothing. Come on, we'll be late."



From Seymour Brotch's records, no date marked
... however, I allowed Shilo to fill in her own answers. She is more than capable of any job down here, and I don't doubt she knows the GOAT is a complete farce. As if we aren't choked with Overseer nonsense enough, there has to be a test devoted to brainwashing children into following him? I don't agree with it. Shilo's result was marriage counsellor – I'm not surprised. A nice halfway between the medical and the political. James will be proud. Almost makes me wish I was married, so I could avail myself of her services...


Four Years Later

"Get up! You have to get up!"
"Uhhh? Amata... I was just dreaming about you..."
"Gross! Shilo, be serious!! Your dad has left the vault and my father's men are looking for you!"
This statement didn't register in Shilo's sleepy mind. All she heard was 'my father'. She chuckled and turned over.
"Shilo!!!" Amata yanked her upright and shook her, "Listen to me! Your father is gone!"
"What do you mean, gone? The door's sealed, what are you talking about?"
"It's not anymore! He opened it, and he's gone. Listen – you have to get out of here. My father's men have killed Jonas, and I'm afraid they'll kill you too! Take these bobby pins, they'll get you into my father's office. You'll need a password for his terminal – you might find it in a locker in the office. I'll meet you there. Go, go!!"she dropped her father's 10mm onto the desk, "Only use this in an emergency!"

Shilo shook her head and tried to focus. The alarm was blaring, cutting through her head and making her ears ring. Dad can't be gone! He can't leave! We're born in the Vault-
"We die in the Vault," she muttered. Jonas.
Taking up the gun, her baseball bat and a pack of stimpacks, she crept out of her room and into the corridor. An officer was distracted by a group of roaches – Shilo ran past him, ignoring his cries and demands that she come back. She ran with no real thought for where she was going, her feet were as confused as her mind. All around her, roaches seemed to come out of the walls. A blast of flame made her scream.
"Sorry about that, Madam! Blasted roaches!" Andy said cheerily. Thank god he doesn't have a security mode, Shilo thought. She took the stairs upwards two at a time. As she passed a medical room, a resident banged on the window yelling that it was her fault, it was all her fault.
"Shilo?! You gotta help me!"
Speechless, Shilo just gawped at Butch.
"I know, I know I give you [censored], but it's my ma, she's stuck in there with roaches! I can't get her out, I need your help!"
She looked at the 10mm. Just like the BB gun. You can do it, Shilo.
She took a deep breath, went into the DeLoria residence, pointed the gun – she couldn't fire. What if she hit Ellen? The roaches were jumping and biting and she was on the floor. Shilo screamed, closed her eyes and fired. Purely by luck, she hit the roaches. Ellen was breathless.
"You did it! You're the best friend I ever had, man! Here – take my Tunnel Snakes jacket!" Butch shoved it at her and helped his mother to her feet.

Unfortunately, not everyone wanted to congratulate her; the sound of gunfire had attracted guards. Shots rang out as she ran. A man she vaguely remembered being called Tom seemed to want to take advantage of the madness and was running for the main exit. He was quickly dispatched by the waiting Officers. Horrified, Shilo got onto her knees and began trying to pick the lock to the Overseer's office. It came open on her second try. She felt strangely detached as her hands found the cold metal lockers, took out stimpacks and the terminal password. Her hands shook as she typed it in, but her mind felt miles away. She was stranger, watching this poor, frightened girl from afar.

The desk in the middle of the room began to slide upwards on metal supports. Shilo slid underneath, jumped the stairs and frantically hit the button at the bottom until the desk slid back into place behind her.
This must be... a way out? Can I really leave? If dad did... why didn't he tell me? What the hell's going on anyway?!
She didn't know whether to scream or cry. At the end of the corridor and through a door not unlike the storage ones on the reactor level, was the Vault door control panel. She hit the buttons at random. An ear splitting screech announced she'd found the right one.
"Oh my god... you did it... you opened it..."
Amata and two of her father's officers stood, mouths hanging open, watching the cog-shaped door roll to one side.
"Come with me Amata. Please?" Shilo didn't know anymore who would actually gain from that.
"I can't. It's tempting but... I can't..."
A ruined wooden door was all that lay between Shilo and god knew what.

She looked back at her home. Then she turned her back on it, her friends, and Amata and pushed the door open.

1.
Following In His Footsteps.

blind i'm blind where are the walls

It wasn't until she was alone and nothing but dirt and silence surrounded her that she really understood her position.
She took a few steps forward. There was a metal sign reading 'Scenic Overlook'. She collapsed onto the floor in tears.
For a long time she remained there, conscious but unable to move or speak. It wouldn't occur to her for some time how lucky she was not to have been killed in the minutes or hours she spent lying on the ground. All she was aware of was that it smelled wrong, and she heard nothing.

A high whistling sound broke through the silence. A strange tune that sounded as though it were being played out of a can. She clawed herself closer to the edge of the rocks and peered over. A broken road led from the bottom of this slope to the remains of a town and among the ruins was – a floating ball? It must belong to someone.
Cautiously, she got up and began to descend the slope. She fell the last foot or so, betrayed by loose rock; her hands and face were scraqed on the road. She hauled herself back up and ran down the road, leaping the cracks, toward the ball. It sounded as though it was... speaking?
"This is your president. John. Henry. Eden." It said. It sounded enough like a man.
"Hello?"
It ignored her. It was talking about baseball or something. Dammit. Who is this John character anyway?
Shilo sat on a piece of broken fencing and stared around. All around her, the ruined houses of a place that was once called Springvale loomed over her. The empty holes where windows once were appeared to her as mouths, frozen open in an everlasting scream. She shivered. A teddy bear lay in a pile of rubble beside an upturned pushchair. She couldn't help wondering if anything remained of its owner under that rubble. Shilo picked up the bear. A shifting reflection in its eyes and she spun around just in time to dodge a lead pipe wielded by a woman with bright pink hair and spiked armour.
"You're dead, meatsack!"
"Wha--!"
Shilo threw herself to the ground and rolled away from the woman, screaming. Whoever she was, she was coming back for another shot, and Shilo couldn't dodge forever. She fumbled with the gun, dropped it, gave up and dropped to the floor. The woman raised the pipe, howling with laughter, there was a flash, a crack and she was gone.
All that remained was a pile of whitish ash.
The eyebot fired at the ash pile a couple more times, just to be certain. It... saved my life?!
Never mind, I have to find somewhere to hide. Hide? What good will that do, I'll have to come out eventually! I need to find people. There must be people!

She walked down the road. It was less broken up here and she didn't need to jump any gaps. At the end was a sign that read 'MEGATON'. Megaton? What's that? She looked over the hills and saw a towering dome of metal. Is that it?
She started to scramble up the hill. Her blue vault suit was dusty already and she had no more clothes. I'll never make it up this damn hill!
Of course, she did; it was hard going, though, and she almost ran right back down when she saw a Protectoron facing her. She jumped behind a large rock and waited to hear the bleep-sound of it's laser. It didn't come.
"Howdy – part-ner."
???!!
"Need – a – drink? Try – the – Brass – Lantern!"
She popped her head up from over the rock. It was facing her still. It was facing her and advertising a bar?!
She'd learned about how robots out here often didn't work anymore and couldn't tell friend from foe. But she's never once heard of a robot that used the promise of drinks to lure it's victims in. Shilo crept out. There didn't seem to be any way into this 'Megaton'. Maybe there are people inside?!
She tried looking for a button, she tried prising the gate upwards. She tried checking the Protectoron (up this close she could see the words 'Deputy Weld' stencilled on its body) but it seemed unconcerned with her problem.
"Hellooooo?!"
"Who's there?!"
The voice came from high above her.
"Er – is this – is it Megaton?" she yelled up.
"Yeah."
"Well. Can I er, can I come in?!"
A shadow leaned over the roof of the structure, "Are you clean?"
"Clean? I, well. I came from the Vault...?!"
"Gimme a sec!"

The metal sheet began to move upwards with an earsplitting shriek similar to the one she'd heard on opening the Vault.
"Uhm – thank you!!"
She slipped underneath it and found a much smaller, manually operated door. She took a deep breath, made a wish and let herself in.
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thank you if you got this far, seriously. X3 <3

1. Break up all dialogue sentences and paragraphs, so it's not one big wall of text, or just generally hard on the eyes to read.

2. Yes, all your chapters, and anything to do with this story should stay in this thread, and this thread only. That includes, Chapters, Updates, and anything like that.

3. I'll start reading after 1 is fixed and my eyes don't hurt.

EDIT: Also for got to mention, that maybe adding some description between dialogue would be better. (More of it, I mean. Two or three words just doesn't work to add much, but adding more description does!)

I hope I did okay breaking it up, I'm really sorry! I don't think the background and text colour helps, it looks like a big block of grey. It looks so much shorter on dA?!
I hope you don't mind, I never line break between speech. I just think it breaks momentum... well I don't know, if it's a rule I'll be happy to do it, but my lecturers at uni tell me not to?? Sorry ^^""""""""
Thanks for the info on keeping it in one thread ^-^
Oooh, yeah, I struggle with description. I think I just get overexcited ^^" The beginning is kind of tedious, we've all seen it a million times. It picks up in a lot of ways after the MQ plot has run a little and she can finally free roam.
I mentioned on dA that I WAS going to jump in further on in the plot, but I wrote this to stop myself from getting rusty before term starts (I'm an english/creative writing student) so I figured I should do it all for practices' sake.

Alrighty, looking pretty good.

Now, I'm going offer some of my advice. So here we go...

First, it's good that you have spaces, but you also need spaces in between the dialogue. I'm sure Doc was referring to this also. For example.



Turns into:

"Let's see... are you a boy, or a girl?...
A girl? It's a girl, we've got a daughter, Catherine!
A beautiful healthy baby girl!"

"Oh... Oh James, we did it! Our daughter... Our Beautiful daughter..."

"You've got a bright future ahead of you...

Now we get a better understanding of whose talking, plus it's easier to read. But this still needs some work, so let's continue...

Detail is very important. You want to have the readers picture everything in their mind with your words. Looking at your first post...Now we all know how Fallout 3 goes, so most of can picture what is happening here. But what if I brought one of my friends, who has never played Fallout, read this? He would understand that their is a birth going on, but other than that, there's nothing. So let's add a little description...

The doctor lifts the newborn into the air, right out of the womb, the baby let's out a squeal for the for the first time. The doctor examines, the baby, his icy, blue eyes searching.

"Let's see... are you a boy, or a girl?"

Underneath the blue-gray face mask, the doctor smiles.

"A girl? It's a girl, we've got a daughter, Catherine," he laughs with joy

"A beautiful healthy baby girl!"

The woman laying on the operating table, lifts her head and smiles weakly,

"Oh... Oh James, we did it! Our daughter... Our Beautiful daughter..."

James, smiles at her, and then speaks to the baby,

"You've got a bright future ahead of you.I'm sure of it. Look at you! Look at you... Hi there! I'm your Daddy! Daddy!
It's a big world out there. Full of all sorts of people. What about you?
What kind of person are you going to be?"

He stares into the baby's eyes, surprisingly, the baby stares back. The baby does not cry, and the only sound heard in the room is the beeping of the machines. Suddenly the woman's face changes, the machines begin to beep faster,

"James? James?! Something's..."

He puts the baby down, and rushes to his wife's side.

"Catherine?! She's in cardiac arrest...! Get the baby out of here, move...! Move...!"

Another doctor wheels the baby out of the room, and into the light...

One Year Later:

Of course you don't have to do it like this, I was just using this as an example as of what detail can do. It really helps, and that same problem continues throughout the rest of the post. So I'll leave up to you to decide whether or not to make the changes. I tired the second entry, and found this one having more detail, which is great! My one major problem is that you didn't even capitalize the first sentence. That can be a major turn off for some people. And, in case you didn't know, thoughts are italicized.

That's all the advice I have right now, I'll offer more when you have the dialogue spaced out. If you so desire, whatever you do...

...Keep Writing :thumbsup:

Edit: The lecturers tell you not to, and for the most part, there right. But these aren't normal circumstances, when posting on these forums, it's acutally a good rule to break up the speech. Because of the way it is laid out, it can actually ruin the flow of the story if you don't.

The feedback you received is very good, If you follow it it will help. I had some trouble following simply because the pacing is fast. Description, internal thought (italicized) will help slow it down and make the story easier to follow.