This is a story about Alan Hawk's Journey in the Wasteland.

Prolougue

Alan sat alone in the remains of a half destroyed house, staring at a photo of his wife, Lily, who had been killed three days earlier by a raider attack. He took a deep breathe and stood up, a computer lay with a smashed screen on the floor, a TV next to the door on a metal table, a shelf in the next room was visible due to a collapsed wall. Alan could see something sticking out and reflecting on the Shelf. He walked over to the shelf and found a Double-Barrelled Shotgun and 6 shells.

This was no ordinary shotgun, it was made from carbon fibre, as he examined his new gun, Alan heard the door open, he loaded the shotgun quickly and turned and fired as a super mutant entered the room.

Super Mutant: Urghhh. Time to die!
Alan: What th-

Alan avoided being hit by the Mutants Nailboard, reloaded and shot the Mutant in the head, killing it. Alan breathed heavily and grabbed his magnum from the table and left the house. A trader was traveling a couple of streets away, Alan ran over to him.

The traveler wore a dirty, leather jacket, nilon shirt and jeans with glasses.

Jim: How ya doing stranger? Names Jim, what do ya need?
Alan: Got .44 magnum ammo?
Jim: No
Alan: Shotgun Shells?
Jim: Nope
Alan: Stimpaks?
Jim: Umm, well, no

Alan looks at Jim strangely as Jim's eyes keep darting behind him and see's a raiders reflection holding a knife in Jim's glasses and pulls out his Magnum and blows Jim's head off, whilest turning and shooting the raider behind him in the heart.

Alan collapsed to the ground, the knife hit him in the shoulder. Alan is no ordinary wastelander, he has unnaturally high agility but lacks the strength to carry lots of stuff and his luck is unnaturally bad causes bad luck to himself and everyone near him...

So what do you guys think? Please comment.

Will do.

Okay, this is pretty short, understandable being a prologue. But it has poor/misplaced word choices, little description, and script like dialogue. Allow me to go into detail...

By poor/missplaced words, I mean:



You meant breath, breathe is not used here.



Probably better, like:

A computer with a smashed screen, lay on the floor.



You could probably could get rid of that and why is shelf capitalized?



Why? Why do people do that? Is it really more convenient to put 6 instead of six? This may be just me, but I like it when numbers are written out. I can't recall a story where the author put 6 instead of six. Maybe 700,000, but not six.

There are more poor/misplaced word choices, but I'm not going to correct them all for you. If you really have a problem with( if English isn't your native language) than you can PM the chapters and I'll fix it easily. But if not, just re read your work.

Now, onto the description. It's weak, you could add so much more. Give us so much detail. Really show us a vivid image. For example:


I'm going to be blunt, that's boring. I would change to include something like this:

Alan rolled to the left, barely missing a swipe to the head with a Nailboard. Going into a crouch, he reloaded the shotgun, as fast as he could The super mutant, roared and brought his hands back over his head. Preparing to bring down the board in a mighty arch towards his head. With no time to lose, Alan brought up the shotgun and fired both barrels into the super mutants head. The head exploded, leaving Alan and the wall covered in blood and bots of skin.

It's not perfect, but it gives a lot more to that image. All around the story needs more detail, I'll leave that up to you.

For the dialogue, don't put it like it's a script/play unless it's really a script/play. Put:

"How ya doing stranger, names Jim, what do ya need?"

" Got .44 magnum ammo?"

Quotation marks and single spaced line in between the dialogue(at least on these forums.)

That's all I'll give you right now. It would be totally awesome if you just fixed those things, so...

...Keep Writing. :thumbsup:

I see what you're trying to do here, but there are alot of problems with this posts infrastructure. Here they are.



First, this whole paragraph needs more description, for this left me confused as to what was being written. If you describe, then describe the whole room, then focus on the shelf. Also, Shelf, is capialized.



It's ok to make people ordinary. If you look at my Fan-fic, I have no special weapons or skills, just experience. Since you do have that strong weapon, you have to explain how you got it. Also after 'new gun' there should be a period. As far as 'Alan heard the door open', there should be a 'and' after that.



You probably did this one purpose, but The semi-colon should have been quotations, as seen:

Super Mutant,"Urghhh. Time to die!"

or

"Urghhh. Time to die?"

It was a super Mutant.

Ummm, what else...



Why would he have to reload, when it was fresh off the shelf? Just take that out so you won't confuse the reader.




You have to explain how he is able to fire at enemies so precisely and easily, for not all people can shoot with perfect accuracy. Agility means he's quick, but not accurate.

---------
One last important thing. You're slurring your story, like as if trying to make it one big paragraph, or too fast. Slow down and describe and pace yourself. Regardless of the critique, keep it up because its good.

Thanks for feedback, I will keep it in mind when writing.

[quote name='T-51b Power Armor' date='20 August 2010 - 01:03 AM' timestamp='1282258985' post='16298117']
[quote]Please comment.
[/quote]okidoki


[quote name='Yttrium' date='20 August 2010 - 01:28 AM' timestamp='1282260533' post='16298221']
...Keep Writing. :thumbsup:
[/quote][quote name='Ant1iv3' date='20 August 2010 - 01:57 AM' timestamp='1282262276' post='16298338']
Regardless of the critique, keep it up because its good.
[/quote]First point, take these two to heart. Yt and Ant1 -pronounced Whitey and Aunty They're knowledgable in the knowing department of smart stuff, as Acky would say

I'll put my two cents in about content since they did a good job of talking you through the structure side of things.
Remember, nothing is meant personally here, I liked in essence what I read, and if we didn't care, we wouldn't say so.
We care.

We're a caring bunch.

Rohugh ought to start the BSF carebear club..
..I ought to learn to stop when I'm ahead. :unsure:


Content. Like Whitey said, we want more of it. think of writing as a long distance running, there's no gain in rushing the matter.
Ooh, it also compairs to six then as well

..and bowel movements, I s'pose :unsure:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
that was lesson one. Read carefully what I just wrote.

I could have just left it with "Content, we want more of it." but in taking my time telling it;
- first adding a ref that Yt said it earlier, then I added the examples, increasing the uncomfortable-factor with each example -unless you think long distance running is more uncomfortable than bowel movements.. but then you're a minority, trust me.

so, running, six and taking a dump all resemble writing in some way. We'll start with the running since the others are subjects less suited for this forum.. and I feels the warm breath of a grumpy bear just behind me.. :unsure:

Just like anything, whatever you’re writing about has a point, and is trying to reach it through the use of words –because if you were using images, this would be tv/film

What you have here I call a “red”, meaning the idea is there, but needs expanding, and is currently in it’s roughest form. to note this stage I change the font colour to red when typing.

I then isolate each sentence or group of sentences and see in what way it might benefit from being expanded.

your first sentance is gold.

Alan sat alone in the remains of a half destroyed house, staring at a photo of his wife, Lily, who had been killed three days earlier by a raider attack.

Now it’s me wondering:
where’s the house. even if only described locally.
how’d he get there? Maybe it was his house? Dunno.

And then the wife, Lily. You’re telling us she was killed earlier. Why not show us? Make us feel it? Make it so that it’s my heart getting ripped out, and then hold it high, still pounding, in front of my face and scream

[size="5"]THIS IS WHAT YOU LOST!!!![/size]

If you can make me remember my fiancé and her death a decade ago, and bring tears to my eyes..

..then you’re doing good.

Since it didn’t remind me of her, or bring tears to my eyes, it needs work.

Take that one line and turn it into a page long flashback of her being killed. Start early enough before the attack to lay the foundation that he really, really loves her, so that the death, when it finally happens, hits us –the reader- as hard and brutal as it hit him.

Once the page long flashback is finished with her finally dead in his arms.. then continue where you left off:

He took a deep breathe and stood up...,


I hope I was helpful, if somewhat OTT

"...so, running, six and taking a dump all resemble writing in some way."-Old _Andy

I will respectfully disagree with this anology.

Writing is a crafted skill that will take hours of dedication, hard work, and focused attention to get your desired result. Often there is little hope for success.

When you want to write something, it becomes like a gnawing cramp, you can feel it there wanting to force it's way out of you, yet to no avail. You will push harder, wishing you could just yank it out but still...nothing.

Sweaty and frustrated, some will burst into tears and actually turn to prayer, hoping divine guidance will help, but it won't. You must do this on your own.

Exhausted, after hours of straining for the impossible with little to show for your efforts, the miracle will happen. A tu word! Then a sentence, now a blessed paragraph! You're doing it! You're WRITING! GOOD JOB!

Empty, satisfied, you can now relax..until you realize there is more to come, more work ahead. You sigh, then begin the process all over again.

If this is not your experience when writing, you are not doing it right. ^_^

I hate to do this, since it's sooo nerd picky to bring up, but where did he get the photo of his wife? I'd assume film has long ago degraded beyond being able to take any pictures with it. Maybe a drawing, or sketch?