fan fiction

Post » Mon Feb 07, 2011 8:35 pm

hey ive just started my short story about a death claw and i was wondering if anybody could read the first page and a bit and see what they think or if theres any corrections or improvements you can see thanks

also this is the first story ive ever had a go at writing so please don't be to harsh on me please




Skib had just managed to escape the enclaves lab, only to see the people he was after escape in an enclave vertabird “damn it” he said out loud

Skib was an alpha male deathclaw and was about the same size as a human , with two razor sharp horns sticking out of the back of his reptilian head and a short but deadly horn struting up out of the end of his long snout packed full of teeth, like an animal before the war called a shark. His back and the back of his arms and legs were covered in a thick dark brown fur and his skin was light brown.

As skib stood there and watched the people that killed his pack with there experiments fly away, he felt a surge of anger flood through his body “how am I going to find them now” he angrily said to him self, with no way of knowing where they were heading too, skib went back inside the lab to find any body they might have left behind in the rush. The lab was covered in bits of bodys, blood, guts,smashed glass and anything else that got in his way during his escape/massacre. Skib took five minutes to pay his respects to the deathclaws that were experimented on to death, the enclave had hung the ones that had been dead for at least a week up on hooks and just left the ones that had died in the past few days in a heap in the middle of the floor “this is no way for a death claw to die” he thought to him self

skibs respects were interrupted by the faint sound of a human whimpering some where behind him, as he turned around the human made a run for the door from the corner of the room underneath some tables, he was a male human that must have been a scientist left behind because he was wearing a lab coat, tatty trousers which looked like they had some kind of chemical spilled on them, jet black hair with tints of grey and his skin was very sweaty. Skib charged at the human at full pelt and slammed him into the wall, the human let out a cry of pain as his arm made a very loud snapping noise against the steel wall “ aarrgghh my...” the human didn't have a chance to finish what he was saying because skib had lifted him over his head and launched him back into the tables from where he was originally hiding.

Skib stood there for a minute waiting for the human to get up so he could resume the beating he was dishing out, but the human didn't move so skib walked slowly over to the human. With the sound of glass and bone crunching underneath skibs huge feet the human began to noticeably start to breath but still he didn't try to escape. When skib finally got to him after his slow approach, the human had tears streaming down his face and was begging for his life, but skib was not in the forgiving mood, skib grabbed the man by the scruff of his lab coat and lifted him up to his face
“where has your leader fled to” screamed skib, the man just hung there crying and begging for is life, skib lifted the man up higher into the air and repeated the question but this time as he screamed at the man a huge yellowy string of spit flew out of skibs mouth and straight into the man's face, “th..th..the..they would have gone to there second research base up north near the old coal mine”
“ really” replied skib with a hint of delight in his words
“yes im sure of it”
“then I have no more need of you”

the man screamed, begged,cried,punched, and kicked for freedom but skib was after revenge on everyone and anyone involved in the experiments carried out on him and his pack, skib grabed the man's face with his free arm and began to crush the front of his skull,skib could feal the bone cracking and crunching in his hand, the human was bleeding out of his mouth and eye sockets and was making a sound as if he was gargling with his own blood, the blood was flowing down the man's lab coat and skibs hand, after a few seconds both skibs hand and the lab coat were completely crimson red and the man was well and truly dead.

Skib launched the corpse into a work bench full of test tubes and equipment and got grim satisfaction out of the way the corpse was just slumped out on the work bench, skib turned and made his way to the surface entrance, with the location of the enclave's second research base revenge would be sweet and something to be savored
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Alex Blacke
 
Posts: 3460
Joined: Sun Feb 18, 2007 10:46 pm

Post » Mon Feb 07, 2011 12:37 pm

It's reasonably good for a first story. Here's some tips:
-Don't call the title 'fan fiction', give it a name.
-You've got a lot of spelling and grammatical errors.
-Give more detail and background.
-Follow the game's lore.
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Mike Plumley
 
Posts: 3392
Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2007 10:45 pm


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