Criticism accepted just dont be rude and make comments like "This totally svcks" or something to that effect, if you will post criticism please add some "Constructive" criticism as well



My name? Hardly of any importance, but it is Impurus, at least now it is, I cannot remember my old one, but, I am going to tell you about my life...

I was born in Vvardenfell... My "father" was cruel, vicious, and brutal. A male altmer wizard named "Kalaris", and my other guardian was a female breton named "Samantha", my "father" was abusive, if I made a simple mistake, like accidently spilling a glass of greef, I felt the burning flame of a spell scorching my flesh. My "mother" was gentle, caring, and sensitive, but she feared Kalaris, when we were alone she would mix me potions or cast a spell of restoration. Kalaris was a high ranking Telvanni, a magister if I remember right, I do remember he had a man he called his "mouth". My mother was a low-ranking Imperial Cult worshipper, she had simple tasks like collecting marshmellow and tobacco. By he time I was fourteen-years-old, Kalaris had turned my flesh as black as the ashlands numerous times, but Samantha mended my seared flesh, and it was back to its usual gray color. The food I got was, stolen, Kalaris fed me only if I was on the verge of death, because "he supposedly didn't want me to die."

At the age of eighteen, I left Vvardenfell, soon after, my "mother" conjured a daedric dagger, and impaled herself. Kalaris gave her a cremation. I left for Cyrodiil, life was good, I was a journeymen in the mages' guild, working hard to please Travern. Then Travern did it...he banned necromancery! I was forced into exile, for the mages' guild hunted me. I wandered Cyrodiil, searching for a new lair to practice magic. In my wandering I came across a book, called Necromancer's Moon, and I read about the King of Worms, Mannimarco. I hunted Mannimarco like a Morag Tong assassin. After three years I found him, I said to him "Milord, I would like to join the Worms..." Mannimarco replied reluctantly "Welcome, Worm-Anchorite." I grinned and said "If I am needed I can be found Fort Sutch" The King of Worms nodded.

I arrived at Fort Sutch, and destroyed the bandits that inhabited it. Once inside, I grabbed their corpses and stripped the flesh off using a conjured dagger, and my skeletons arose, my test subjects. Fort Sutch was mine, and now I had to create a cell, to place adventurers and my pets in to test spells.

A man in Imperial Armor of the Dragon said"Halt, necromancer..."

I responded "The Champion of Cyrodiil, in my home, I am honored."

He replied ""Today you die necromancer..."

I raised a brow and asked "Why?"

He drew his ebony longsword and said "You have betrayed Imperial Law."

I sighed and hissed a spell and watched the champion fall in his tracks, unconsious.

That is what has happened, now that you are caught up, you will read more in the next chapter...

It seems like you rushed it a lot, as I said before, try and take the readers along with your characters, not just describing what you do blandly. Also, it's kind of random with the Champion of Cyrodil thing

Don't get me wrong though, you have improved a lot since your first post

Well you have definitely got a lot better Zalphon! I will leave all the specifics for Darkom to review but I'll tell you the things that I think needs improving.

I feel that the dialogue is waaay to boring and still. If you're speaking to the King of Worms he would sound a lot more threatening. He is like an evil lich after all. Also he wouldn't just accept you into the order instantly. You'd have to go through tests and all that. What if you were a spy or something of the sort? I think you need to expand on that.

Same with the Champion of Cyrodiil. He just sounded flat and generic. In fact you could say barbaric. You need to improve the dialogue with him I feel. I think your character is also much to uber/ Who could simply put the Champion to sleep like that? It was kind of boring to read. Touch up on that.

I also felt that it was rushed. I'd say you expand on the first two paragraphs (maybe even make your first chapter set like when he was a kid, being abused?) and leave it at that. Being accepted into the Order of the Worm and knocking out the Champion all in one post? A bit too much, especially seeing as there was not much detail.

However with that said you've definitely improved since your first fan-fic. Dramitcally actually. I feel more involved with the character now. Like he isn't just some random dude and I can picture him in my head. A very important aspect of writing in my opinion.

Anyhows, work on what others and myself have said and go from there. You'll do well .

Thanks guys, im sure Darkom will comment, and his criticism is almost always true. (I would say always, but we can't always be right)

Backstories aren't something you should feel like you need to lead with. You can drop information here and there about it, but I'd say don't drag it out until he has a reason to tell it. You have a lot of potential storytelling when he chooses to leave the Mage's Guild to pursue necromancy, but you wrap that up so quickly. The death of his mother was so lightly touched upon that it appears that it didn't matter much. Even if you keep the narrative structure and skip forward in his life as you go, there should be five good sized chapters of that stuff before you get to the part with the Champion of Cyrodiil I think, because he's a major factor.

I agree with almost everything the other's had said so I have only a very small, almost insignificant thing which I would like to point out. I remained interested the entire time, primarily because I knew I was reading about a Necromancer.



It just really bothered me that you called Traven "Travern" and, to a lesser extent, that you called Necromancy "Necromancery". Those are two very petty and minor details, and I haven't been around the forums for very long at all, but I'd appreciate it if you fixed that or simply didn't repeat those mistakes.

Well well, another fan fiction. Good to see you're still trying :goodjob: They get better every time.

Okay, I'll skip spelling and grammar for now, but as soon as everything else improves you get spellchecked

Alright, the opening is a little iffy, but it serves its purpose. First person is always different.


This is probably the mother of all run on sentences Add in a period or two.

For the next part, I wholly agree with Shades. Touched on too lightly, and the summary far too short. Start with a little present events, and have those make him recount his past. This winning combination is all over the place.

Also, his random venturing off to a fort... Generally an initiate will get a mission, or be told to go learn from others. They probably won't just have you wander off after telling you where they are. Speaking of which, it seems like you skipped a lot of dialogue that would be otherwise needed. It still feels like a summary, but it is the intro.

Then, he up and somehow beats the champion without a hint of difficulty or combat. Such an epic opponent deserves a similarly epic battle. End this intro with him arriving, and then start the next chapter with a big fight! After all, writing isn't a race; you can take as many words as you need to describe everything. This reads more like a legend, slow down next chapter.

All in all, your character still lacks thoughts, but like I said, this legend/intro doesn't make them a requirement, per se. So this so far was fine, but make sure the next chapters aren't more of the same.

Thanks for writing, and good determination coming back :goodjob:

Time passed between me knocking out the Champion of Cyrodiil, and me building a cell. I felt a blade pressed against my throat and heard the voice of a dunmer from Morrowind who said "You do not treat, the Champion of Cyrodiil...like that..."

I quickly said "P-p-please, don't hurt me!"

He knocked me down and said coldly "Give me a reason why not, hedgewizard..."

I was breathing hard when I said "I am a necromancer, Sir, and I am just, studying, Sir..."

He grabbed me by my robe, and lifted me off the ground, and then said "Not good enough, necromancer..."

He grabbed a daedric dagger and slid it down my arm, and let the blood flow freely.

I shouted "Guardians, defend me!"

The skeletal slaves of my lair came to defend me, skeleton champions... I took advantage of him being caught off guard, and ran, but as I ran as fast I could. Then I felt my face slam into an iron door, and everything went black...

Much better written than the previous chapters. The dialogue is still quite stale though, and the sentence ". I felt a blade pressed against my throat and heard the voice of a dunmer from Morrowind who said" the part "voice of a Dunmer from Morrowind" doesn't make much sense.. Well it makes sense but "from Morrowind" is not needed, it makes it very awkward.

But you are getting much better. "clap clap clap"

I've always roleplayed in OB the champion of cyrodiil, as a dunmer from morrowind, who was arrested and sent to Cyrodiil's imperial prison. But thank you for the advice.

Yeah it is definitely much better but you still need to work on the dialogue. Simply put, it is not fun to read. Everything they say is what is expected and in a way generic, try add a little flavour to it . And the 'dunmer from Morrowind' bit was a bit odd as well. Not really necessary. But if you wanted to put that in you should of said, "I heard the voice of a dunmer behind me, his raspy voice made it clear he was from Morrowind etc etc etc."

I think overall it was too short as well, it was a entire chapter of just simply saying what actions your character did and dialogue. You should try and describe more in the chapters and express how your character feels sometimes. We don't know enough about him. Also I still think he's a little bit too uber.

Still it's definitely getting better. Please keep writing.

If he so easily dispatched said champion, why was he so different in this paragraph? Anyway, I don't have much to say without editting the first chapter If people don't like the intro, they'll never read on.

But yeah, he is definately less uber, and that's good. This chapter was better, but you still need to edit the first one.

Keep it up :goodjob:

I awoke my nose was bloody, and he stood over me.

The Champion glared at me and said "Now, that we are on equal footing, I may kill you..."

I heard an iron door slam open... I seen a skeletal champion charge in, only to be beheaded by the Champion. I took advantage of this and ran, the guardians, heroes, even an ex-blades named Baurus came. My skeletal thralls were commanded to fight the daedra, for now. I fled, fearing if I stopped, my death would be near, Caldean was dead, by this man, he was going to become a lich soon, I am only a necromancer, I must escape, or my end will be near... The traps of fort sutch sprung on me, I felt darts stab into my arms, but I kept running.

Finally I seen fresh air... And a minotaur lord, wielding an ebony hammer. A swift whack shattered my arm, and I had to run, Anvil was the closest city, if I made it there, Morrowind would be my next stop... I turned around and seen a dark brotherhood assassin... Once again everything went black...

What? I'm sorry, but you'll have to add a tad bit more description than that. It sounds like you have a reanimated Baurus on your side, Daedra are somehow in the fort, a mysterious person named Calean has just been mentioned for the first time, something about a lich, a random minotaur with a warhammer, and then an assassin...None of which makes any sense...I'm sorry, but could you please explain those a bit better in your posts. Also, please edit your previous chapters before writing any more. Thanks, I enjoy how not uber he is now

Yes, but please somehow state that in your story. You can't just tell us things, you have to write them into your story. By editing your story thus far (Note how I am pressing the whole fix the mistakes thus far thing)

Caldean is a necromancer transforming into a lich you need to kill in a DB quest, and the minotaur is a random encounter, also Baurus is just a nice touch, and the assassin, we will learn more about in the next chapter...

You've gotten a lot better. You reiterate several things, such as your character's father being abusive, but that works in a weird sort of way. There are two major points I'm going to comment on:

Clever Dialogue: There's none of it. Don't worry, I don't see much of it in writing in general. Too many writers and RPers think that the only good dialogue is that which moves on the story. Not true. That's unrealistic, and is simply rushing things just in case the reader can't pay attention for more than two seconds. If they couldn't, they'd not have read that far. They'd probably not even start.
Dialogue is not an action - it is a reaction to other dialogue. The biggest flaw with dialogue here is that one character says something, and the reply is almost completely unrelated besides the general topic. No puns, no sarcastic remarks, no criticisms, no observations. If someone on the street asks you for directions and they're naked, do you just give them directions, or do you customise your reply so it is more appropriate for that situation?

Show Not Tell: Both work fine, but in moderation. Showing is telling your readers what the character does and letting them work out why, and telling is giving your readers information about how the character is feeling. Compare 'he clenched his fists tight,' and 'he was angry.' Which one interests you more? Now say both of them fifty times over. Is your answer the same? It bloody should be, and your readers also want more showing than telling
You can combine the two, and you'll usually know when to do so, but as a general rule of thumb showing is more interesting than telling.

Good grief, you've got everything but the kitchen sink there

For the purposes of fiction, I wouldn't bother with random encounters. They work in the game, sure, but not in the midst of a story. The major problem with the above, is we have suddenly a whole bunch of characters suddenly having appeared. There's been no building to them arriving, no foreshadowing, they're just all of a sudden there. And we know nothing about them or why they've suddenly appeared. There's an issue using Baurus as well. You say it's just a nice touch, but everyone reading has a pre-conceived notion of Baurus. For it to be a nice touch, it needs to be explained and logical. Otherwise it's just like the random encounter. A sort of :huh: Wha?? Who the? Where did they come? :blink: moment.

Keep going though, the plot seems to be shaping up!

I awoke in a dark place, a skeleton walking around, and I was surrounded by Dark Brotherhood creeps, I was in black pants, and nothing more...

The leader of the assassins, said to me "Welcome, Impurus, we know all about you, the Night Mother has told us to capture you..."

I replied "Who is this 'Night Mother' you speak of? Some wench I presume?"

The orc picked me up off the ground by my throat and said wickedly "You EVER speak about her like that again, and I will personally, rip your throat out... I've been to Solstheim, and a werewolf is vicious, but not as vicious as me, if you EVER speak about her like that again..." he then dropped me.

The leader drew back her hood and said "I am Arquen, and you are here for a specific reason, the Night Mother wants to speak to you..."

I quickly asked "So I am guessing since she is the NIGHT mother, you are all vampires?"

Arquen shook her head and said "Come, before I change my mind..."

I was given my black robe and black hood and we walked outside this "sanctuary" and seen the statue of the lucky lady. Arquen and the other dark brotherhood wore black robes and chanted strange words. Then the statue moved and opened a way down, we went down.

There was a ghost of what looked to be an imperial, an imperial's ghost which said calmly "Greetings Impurus, I have been...waiting..."

I asked "Why?"

She said seriously "Why wouldn't I..."

I replied jokingly "I guess when your ancient, you have nothing better to do..."

She looked at me and said "You are from Vvardenfell, home of the Morag Tong, I wish for you to kill the leader, and everyone who follows him..."

I looked around for an exit, but none was present... I said "Fine, Wench..."

The Orc tried to grab me, until the Night Mother said "Touch Impurus, and I will make sure the rest of your short life is filled with undead slowly skinning you alive..."

The Orc finally backed away, and a portal opened...A portal to a small town in Vvardenfell, Seyda Neen...

I entered the portal and seen the imperial guards fighting off an attack from daedra... I grinned. Hmmm, maybe Morrowind won't be so bad, but for now I need to lay low, until I am ready to slay the entire Morag Tong, maybe I should join House Telvanni... Or perhaps join The Tribunal Temple, and worship the missing gods of Almsivi... I don't know, yet... But I will soon...

Zalphon, interesting story so far. Allow me to add my constructive criticism here.

You use a lot of run-ons. Now, sometimes a continuation of a thought -- not a run-on, although it can be confused for one -- is good, as it can convey the character's rushed thoughts or observations. However, the difference between a run-on and something like I've just described is that, in the case of the run-on, separate ideas are being discussed, whereas, in the case of the long sentence, it's all on the same topic. Let's take for example this sentence:

"I awoke in a dark place, a skeleton walking around, and I was surrounded by Dark Brotherhood creeps, I was in black pants, and nothing more... "

You're describing first the place you're in and who surrounds you. Then you're describing what you're wearing. Those are totally different, and should be separated by a period rather than a comma, as follows:

"I awoke in a dark place with a skeleton walking around, and I was surrounded by Dark Brotherhood creeps. I was in black pants, and nothing more... "

When avoiding run-ons, keep in mind: different idea, different sentence. And, when in doubt, it doesn't hurt to make them separate sentences. Like, for instances, if you weren't sure whether or not it was ok to have the following:

"I awoke in a dark place with a skeleton walking around, and I was surrounded by Dark Brotherhood creeps. "

You could do:

"I awoke in a dark place. There was a skeleton walking around, and I was surrounded by Dark Brotherhood creeps."

Also -- not trying to be nitpicky here, just something I noticed -- watch where you put the commas in dialogue. For instance, you have:

The leader of the assassins, said to me "Welcome, Impurus, we know all about you, the Night Mother has told us to capture you..."

The comma should come before the dialogue, and after the description of who says it:

The leader of the assassins said to me, "Welcome, Impurus, we know all about you, the Night Mother has told us to capture you..."

I point these out because they are things that stand out to me, and I hope that doing so will be beneficial to you. As someone who enjoys writing as a hobby, I've learnt that you never stop learning about things you're doing wrong (at least, I haven't, LOL). That said, however, your writing is getting progressively better and better. Do keep up the good work -- your efforts at bettering your writing are clearly paying off! Not only that, but your story is interesting, and growing better along with the writing.

Sorry for previous fanfictions/RP's, im used to WoW/WoW forums, where criticism is usually called "YOU svck NOOB!!!" and thanks guys for the constructive criticism

Though much has already been said on this, I must say I find the progression of the story to be rather, random.

We hear about his life, then an encounter with the champion of cyrodiil, then he gets kidnapped by the dark brotherhood, because the night mother wants to use a total stranger for a hit, and it all seems rather random. my only reccomendation is to stick to a particular event in the story for a bit longer. For example, joining the order of the black worms can be fleshed out a lot, and the same could be said for the lead-up to the CoC attacking and his kidnapping.

right now, it seems that a plot point happens without rhyme nor reason, lasts only for small amount of time, and then suddenly theres a whole new plot point which leaves me scratching my head saying "now why did that happen?"

Indeed, my thoughts exactly. Plots tend to occur naturally and systematically, to be gone about as they would in life. Of course, you control it being the writer, but the more realistic the better.