http://www.gamesas.com/bgsforums/index.php?showtopic=1023394&st=0 based on that fanfiction, this is the prequel set 15.5 years in the past (yes during the Nerevarine's time)


Zalphon looked at J'skooma and said, "J'skooma, you sure you aint had a little to much matze?"

J'skooma drunk a little more and said "J'skooma thinks J'skooma is just fine..."

Quick-Strike looked around the tavern and said, "What in Vivec's name is that?!" as he pointed to a map and some notes.

Zalphon got up and said, "Don't worry about it, i'll check it out..."

He walked over and read the map, the heading was "Solstheim" and the notes below read "Solstheim, looking for able-bodied adventurers to help with a lycanthrope problem, reward is over 10,000 drakes."

Zalphon said to his friends, "10,000 drakes if we can take care of some werewolves in a place called Solstheim."

Another patron looked at him and said, "I wouldn't go there, horrible things, but if you must go, Khuul's boatmaster can take you."

Zalphon replied, "We're adventurers, I am a knight, Quick-Strike is an assassin, and our friend J'skooma is a mage."

The patron wiped his eyes with a rag and said, "Fine."

Zalphon grabbed Quick-Strike and said to J'skooma, "Com'on guys, plenty of drakes if we do this."

J'skooma shrugged and said, "J'skooma doesn't think this is good idea, but, you the boss."

Quick-Strike shrugged and said, "I hope Grandmaster Eno Hlaalu doesnt get mad for me being AWOL."

Zalphon said calmly, "He touches you, I will break his neck."

J'skooma said hastily "J'skooma thinks we need to go to Khuul."

Zalphon nodded and they took a silt strider to Ald-Ruhn and ran to Khuul.

When they arrived they gave the boat master, fifteen drakes and said "Solstheim"

The boat took off, Solstheim was in their near future.

You actually had a good, solid scene before this part:



They go from being in a room together to Ald-Ruhn, and arrived to Khuul in one line. You want to bring the readers along with the character in their adventure.. If you really don't want to write about the journey to Ald-Ruhn, then end the chapter with


and just start the next chapter in Ald-Ruhn.

It's like you ignored every bit of criticism from your last story.

Well Verlox, by time I had this already done, I read your criticism...

They watched on the boat as they arrived in Solstheim. The frosted, icy, island. Zalphon looked at j'skooma and said, "It is cold, especially in this freezing, steel, armor."

J'skooma grinned and said, "Warm, black, robes, for J'skooma, yes, warm, black, robes."

Zalphon looked at J'skooma and, said "Keep talking, J'skooma, your gunna end up with my fist in your gut,"

Quick-Strike calmly said, "Calm down, friend."

Zalphon sipped his flask of flin and said, "You're right."

The boat touched Solstheim and the boatmaster said, "Farewell."

Zalphon got out and felt the snow touch his steel sabaton and shivered.

Quick-Strike got out and said "Not even in the coldest frostfells was the black marsh this cold."

J'skooma looked down and said, "J'skooma is freezing after coming here from Morrowind from Elswyr."

They were greeted by a nord who said his name was "Krin Strongaxe".

Zalphon nodded and said, "Greetings, Krin."

Krin said to them "You got my message apparently, well I will lead you to Skaal, where the werewolves are attacking, at the moment, we are in peace, but soon they will attack."

Krin led them to Skaal, where they rested in the inn.

I'm telling you I think it could do with some more detail about the setting. like in the begining are they in a tavern? street or what?

Also if the lore is slightly off, I havent played BM yet, so be gentle...

Right, let's get this on track, shall we?

The positives first:

1. You have a thick skin, and aren't letting comments stop you from writing.
2. You seem to enjoy writing, and have no shortage of ideas.
3. Comparing the most recent additions to your very first attempts, they are improving a bit.

The negatives:

1. Those who are giving useful criticism (both in this thread and previous ones) don't seem to be acknowledged by you. Nothing is more annoying for a reader, than taking the time to read a story, compose and write their thoughts on how you could improve, than to have those thoughts ignored completely.
2. Possibly as a result of the above, some people's comments have crossed the line into abuse, with barely a flicker of an attempt at being helpful. Demonstrating your acknowledgement of the above point will reduce that happening.
3. There are areas you need to work at. And you need to work at them soon. You have promising ideas for stories, but you are rushing into them like crazy.

Read over the useful comments, and figure out what you want to work on improving first. Most people, a couple of previous posters aside, do not expect you to get it all perfect immediately. We do expect you to acknowledge comments, and show that you are trying to improve.

If you are really struggling, think about how we can phrase our advice to help you. Do you need general advice, or do you respond better to examples? Do you need us to take a section of a post, and demonstrate how we would do it? Would that be useful?

Think about it, and let us know. Ignore the people who are being negative just for the sake of it, but PLEASE listen to those who are trying to be helpful. It's not hard to tell which is which...

Zalphon awoke in the middle of the night, sweat-drenched, breathing hard, thinking about his wife... He remembered her well, a fine, dunmer, he remembered what happened...Oh too well. She was afflicted with Corprous disease, and she tried to kill him, luckily he managed to run, but then a rogue crossbow bolt was fired and he fell unconsious. He woke up hours later in the care of Quick-Strike and J'skooma, who ever since have been his friends.

Zalphon looked out the winter and seen them attacking, lycanthropes. He shouted to his friends "Werewolves, get ready!"

He hastily suited up in his steel armor and ran out. The werewolves had been killing the nords off... Zalphon charged into the werewolf horde, swinging furiously, imagining each as a lame corprous. He kept fighting, mercilessly, swinging his sword. He then seen a werewolf the size of himself charge and knock him down. Everything faded black.

He awoke in the prescence of Hircine who said calmly, "Greetings, Zalphon, you have been infected with Sanine Lupines, and now you will help me or suffer the curse of the werewolf."

Zalphon sighed and said, "What...do you want...Hircine."

He said calmly, "You to help my werewolves, sabotage Skaal, with this vial of venom, so they are weak when the battle comes. Return to me and i'll have 10,000 septims awaiting."

Zalphon took off his helmet, and felt his long black hair fall back on his bare back. He looked at the werewolves who stared at him ready to attack. Zalphon shouted "Come 'ere you bloody, n'wahs!"

The werewolves stared at him, he only had some pants on, but he was physically muscular, and looked as if he would have little problems breaking their necks.

They backed away and stared, they then heard Hircine shout "He is friend, not food..."

Zalphon grabbed the rest of his armor and suited up.

He started walking to Skaal, only a few miles away...

To tell you the truth, that chapter was a manifestation of confusion. He thinks about his wife, and how he somehow *idk* gets knocked unconscious by a random rogue crossbow bolt which actually made me laugh a little bit out of ridiculousness. Then he's getting his armor on, then bam there's a werewolf attack! Then he's talking to Hircine, god knows where, and then he says "Come 'ere you bloody, n'wahs!" for no reason at all, in my opinion, and then for some reason his armor had been taken off and he randomly puts it on, then he suddenly knows where he is, and where Skaal is, and how many miles it takes to get there...

Well, the one plus about this chapter is it has a LOT more description, but still, the dialogue remains mostly mechanical.

Edit: Srry if I seemed a bit harsh, if you took it as an insult, that's not how I meant it.

That chapter was MUCH better. Yes, some words are in strange spots (you said Zalphon was looking out the winter at the werewolves. I think you may have meant window?), but that happens quite often. I have a minor issue with how quickly your character suits up in his armor. Yes, in the game you can pretty much teleport armor onto your body, but in real life, it could take quite a bit of time to get into armor, and for a single person incredibly difficult as well. That's why knights had squires to do all that for them as they just stood there.

Dialouge is still robotic, but that ought to get better as time goes on. Also, HolyWalrus is correct in that this particular part is rather on the chaotic, confusing side.

It's good to see everything improving.

I agree with Verlox, in that this last chapter was much better. That said, it's still lacking in several ways, and I think I know what the issue is. You keep rushing through these chapters rapidly. How much time do you spend on each one? Thirty minutes, if that? Everything is done far too quickly. When I write something, even if it's just a short post of two or three paragraphs, a spend at least half an hour on it, obsessing over everything so that it sounds exactly right to me. Writing for fanfiction is more consuming. I juggle three at once and spend nearly all my computer time writing for them. Sure, there are momentary flashes of inspiration, in which I might get five or six thousand words done in two hours or so, but usually it takes me days to write something I'd consider barely decent!

You don't put enough effort into these. It seems like you care more about quantity of posts, rather than the quality of each individual one. The point is, writing is not something you can just jump into and expect to be awesome at. It takes time, and effort, and a willingness to accept help to improve, and even then improvement is slow. Right now, it seems to me that you are unwilling to put any of those three things into your writing. It's like you just want to throw it out there, without cause or care or hope for improvement, and that puzzles me. You've had some truly great writers review your stuff, and have barely acknowledged any of them!

Frankly, it seems like you don't want to improve! If you do, you need to pay attention! Look at the writing of the people around you, and ignore that Inn deal for the sake of argument. Pop into the Queen's Waltz, What Lies Beneath, or any of the older RPs that have been buried, like End of an Era or TES Bioshock. Look at the writers, at their style, how they put so much attention and care into their writing, and try to take it to heart. Don't just ignore everything around you, otherwise you'll never improve. And the point of this entire ordeal is so that you can improve, so by ignoring the majority of your reviewers, it's essentially like a slap in the face.

I will prolly have another post in a day or two, gotta make sure its good.

I don't have MS word, so I will be using notepad, but I will get it edited, revised, etc. and we should be expecting the next installment (It will include a battle scene in Skaal, between an army of werewolves, nords, and our three favorite heroes, Zalphon, Quick-Strike, and J'skooma.

Advice: Write your rough draft using this forum. Then transfer it over to something that looks for typos. Read over it to make sure it makes sense. The transfer it back to the site.

Question: Is english your native language?

Zalphon stared at the nords of Skaal, waiting to make his attack. He saw the men and women mourning the loss of clan members and kin. He grinned... He walked over to Krin and said, "The werewolves have caused quite a bit of chaos..."

Krin wiped a tear from his eye and said, "Killed my wife and son. If I ever see another, I'll kill it, with no mercy!"

Zalphon told Krin calmly, "Prepare for war, Hircine will attack by the Sundas, today is Fridas, so be warned, arm the fellow brethern, call in the legion, whatever you do, don't let Skaal fall."

Krin nodded and said "Zalphon, I swear it won't."

Zalphon said calmly, "We shall see Krin..."

Fridas passed quickly, by the next day, imperial legion soldiers were everywhere, the nords were armed in nordic steel armor, with silver longswords and clayemores. Krin said to Zalphon, "Zalphon, we would like to say, thank you, for everything."

Zalphon replied, "Don't thank me yet, we haven't won."

Krin saluted and said "Death to the lycanthropes!"

Zalphon grinned and said, "Death to the lycanthropes!"

Quick-Strike looked at Zalphon and said, "Why so many Imperial Legion soldiers?"

Zalphon replied seriously, "We need as much help as we can get against these beasts!"

J'skooma was happy in the tavern drinking greef.

The city of Skaal had a wall around it, made of lumber, logs...

Tharsten said to Zalphon glumly, "Death seems like it will come, Knight, I pray southerners can help us."

Zalphon responded almost immediately, "The finest the empire has to offer is here to assist, Tharsten."

Tharsten faked a laugh and said sarcastically, "Yeah, and a purple guar will fly out of me, too."

Zalphon sighed and shook his head, then finally said, "Sarcasm isn't needed, we're all scared enough, don't make it worse."

Tharsten sighed and said, "Your right, I am sorry."

Zalphon responded harshly, "Don't be sorry, don't do it again."

Dusk was starting to come.

Zalphon got in the center of town and shouted "Tomorrow we fight, men and women of Skaal, tomorrow some of our blood will become a part of Skyrim, tomorrow, some of us will die, tomorrow some of us will be heroes, tomorrow, we win..."

They all slept, restlessly that night. Every nord and every soldier, all of them were restless.

When dawn came, everyone was ready for war, the women and children of Skaal hid in the houses, while the men and imperial guards were ready...

Dusk came...

Zalphon saw the hordes of werewolves charge! Zalphon shouted, "To arms!"

The werewolves mauled the nords, but the imperials helped fight them back, using silver weaponry, the werewolves weren't as dangerous, but still extremely lethal.

Zalphon was swinging his longsword precisely, killing whatever it connected with. The werewolves kept biting, clawing, and attacking, but the imperial legion soldiers fought, bravely, heroically, and with nobility. The fight lasted all night, blades severing limbs, carving flesh, and beheading werewolves, while claws tore into flesh, teeth sunk into wounds, and Sanies Lupinus was given to many brave legion soldiers.

Blood was all over the snow, lifeless corpses as well...

Zalphon enthusiastically said, "The werewolf assault on Skaal is over, we have succeeded!"

The survivors cheered!

Quick-Strike looked at Zalphon and said unemotionally, "Im proud of you, Zalphon, I saved your life so long ago, you were just barely an advlt, now your a good man, I am proud to call you my friend, Sir Zalphon."

Zalphon raised a brow and said, "I may have been knighted by King Hlaalu Helseth (which will be explained in the next fanfic), but to you, I am just Zalphon."

J'skooma looked at Zalphon and said cheerfully, "J'skooma thinks Zalphon is a good hero, unlike the evil liches."

Zalphon said to Quick-Strike and J'skooma, "Lets some food, and head to bed, I been up all night."

Zalphon, Quick-Strike, and J'skooma headed to the inn. Upon reaching the inn, Zalphon had a large kwarma egg, a bottle of greef, and some scrib jelly; Quick-Strike ate scrib jerky and fresh water from the snow; and J'skooma had Hound Meat, Crabmeat, and Flin.

After they finished their meal, they headed to bed...

P.S. this got added early because I felt it was doing good enough, any thoughts?

And yes it is...

You seem to use the word "seen" instead of the correct word "saw".

You never seem to introduce characters to us.. If you're writing mainly from Zalphon's perception, he wouldn't know the Nord's name is Tharsten.

You seem to write in a very.. Spaced out way. Like you're tripping on crack while you're writing. *joking, but serious.*

Not much else to say other than the things I've said in the past.

Don't get me wrong though it was substantially better than the last few chapters.

Who invented the word seen, its good for one purpose, seeing things, but everyone says "use saw", I wanna slap this guy in the face...

Seen is the past participle of see and not applicable where you use it.

English contains a ton of context words. Seen and Saw are both a conjugation of To See, but Saw is present tense, where as Seen is past tense.

And it is grammatically incorrect to say "he seen", it would be "he had seen" or "he has seen" as a couple examples.

Thanks for the help guys, its little things like that, that can ruin a story.

I think it would be much better if you slowed down a little. In one post you time skipped an entire day in like a sentance. It's all too fast. The battle with the werewolves wasn't fun to read because we know nothing. We can't feel the scene. I mean I say the battle should of been one long post.

Still everything feels robotic and still. I don't care for the characters because they have no personality. Some things are also quite confusing and random. I don't see the point of saying much else though....

Oh and I suggest you touch up on the lore on things like Hircine. No way would Hircine say ''Do this and you'll have 10000 septims''. That goes completely out of his sphere. Actually the whole Hircine bit was silly to me.

But yeah same old same old really in all fairness.

EDIT: Oh and and in the same way people said about seen and saw you need to get you're and your right.

I one chapter you said ''Your right.'' When it should of been ''You're right.''

'Your is to say something belongs to you. Example- ''This is all your fault!''
'You're' is a short way to say 'you are'

Oh and same with 'it's' and 'its'.

Its could be used to say something belongs to someone or something like that. Example- ''The blade hit its shoulder.''
It's is a short way of saying 'it is'. Example- ''It's going to be a bloody battle.''

See even if english isn't your first language you still need to get things like that right. I don't think I'm a great writer but these things need to be improved. Your story could have an amazing plot but if the spelling and grammar isn't right then people are not going to want to read. Same if the dialogue is stiff and boring, and if there is a lack of detail.

Just use Google Documents. It has spell check. Its a horrible spell check, but it works