I woke up, with a severe thirst.

I gulped down my last bottle of flin and sat on my bed and thought, "Today, I must kill an argonian, Nine-Toes." I got out of bed, dressed in my bonemold armor. Balmora, what a great city to live in. I loved it here, the nice sunny weather, the river, it was great.

I headed to his home, dressed like a Hlaalu Guard, I said to him, "You are under arrest."

Fortunately, he said, "Die!" I took out my ebony shortsword and started thrusting, I watched his blood spray all over the house, and then he kept going, as I felt weaker, I realized he was using mysticism to absorb my health, then I took a thrust at his throat. I kicked him off my sword, put it back in its sheath, and grinned as I walked to the Balmora Morag Tong Guildhall.

I thought as I was walking, "My job is quite unique, I kill people, legally of course, but... I was in Seyda Neen, and Eldafire, that wench was extremely rude, perhaps I could kill her... I probably shouldn't be thinking these thoughts..." I arrived at the guildhall and entered, I talked to the local headmaster and retrieved my 1,000 drakes.

I took a silt strider to Seyda Neen, and then I thought, "Eldafire, your lack of etiquette will be your death." I arrived at nine o' clock, most of the residents were asleep in their beds. As was Eldafire; on a similar note, the guards were gone, fortunately for me. I picked the lock on her house and brewed a potion quickly. I grabbed the potion of sleep and stuck it in her mouth, the wench would awake in a place she would not want.

I brought her corpse on my back far away from Seyda Neen, about ten minutes north west of it, and when she awoke, my hand was covering her mouth, and my other hand held the blade to her neck. I gently whispered, "I am going to let go of your mouth, if you scream, death will be quick." I then let go.

She calmly said, "Do as you wish, murderer!" I gently slid my blade across her belly and watched a tear fall from her eye.

She then said sadly, "Please don't!"

I closed her mouth and then stuffed an old rag in. She tried to scream, but it was muffled. I plunged my blade into her stomach, and grinned. I thought, "Oh, the joys of killing that wench, the relief... Hmmm, there are a few others who have annoyed me, Fargoth, Aryon, and even Eydis... But for now I must hide the body." I threw her corpse in the ocean and watched the slaughterfish swarm to eat it, I grinned and walked back to Balmora...

Okay first things first; MUCH MUCH BETTER!

Right. I think the thing that I have the most problems with is the fact that your character seems too unrealistic; just because someone is an assassin it doesn't mean they kill everyone that annoys them, it just isn't what people do. I think you should tone that down a little personally. Simply put, people only go around killing people like that if they're utter physcopaths, and if your character is then fine, but if not change it.

This isn't really too much of a problem, but I wouldn't recommend having thoughts in speech marks; they're usually in italics simply because it is easier to tell the difference, but maybe that is personal preference, so I wouldn't get too worked up on that one.

Dialogue still feels a little bit generic and unrealistic (don't worry, I had the same problem when I started RPing and writing). And it's not very fun to read about the main character just going "You're under arrest" and then the other just going "die!" It seems totally wrong in my opinion, and I didn't feel much emotion or feeling there, just generic-ness like I already mentioned.

But on the positive side your description of events are much better, and even though I can't see everything you write about in my head completely yet, you're still starting to draw the outline, which is good. Baby steps, and you're taking them, which will make you improve.

Also spelling and grammar is much better as well, there probably were a few mispellings but I'm not going to get picky about it, that's what editors are for

Anyways, yeah congrats and keep doing it!

When I awoke the next morning, I went to the guildhall and got a writ. For none other than Eydis Fire-Eye. I couldn't help but grin. I watched from the rooftops as she left at 8:42 pm, she was heading to her home. I followed her until she got into bed, and sound asleep. I then went in, put some of my sleeping potion in her mouth, and brought her to an eggmine. The kwarma here had driven out the miners, due to their ferociousness, I had cleared this room so that eydis would wake up in peace. She had an old rag in her mouth which I pulled out and she shrieked, "What in Akatosh's name am I doing here!?!??!"

I put my finger up to her lips and whispered, "You've been a very, naughty, girl."

She raised a brow and said, "So what, I joined the thieves' guild, they brought me the bitter cup..."

I chuckled as the hog-tied nord tried to explain herself. I held up a bag that was shaking violently. She scaredly asked, "What is in there?"

I answered, "The thing in here is what will end your life, miserable nord."

She barked, "No it won't!"

I had a scroll of hearth heal with me as I was looking forward to this. I pulled out my short sword and cut a hole in her stomach. She shrieked in anguish. I held the bag up to the wound and allowed the kwarma forager inside to slither into the hole. I then read the words off the scroll of hearth heal and watched the hole close up. She was screaming in pure agony, until I said to her, "Enjoy being eaten from the inside out by a kwarma forager."

I gently slid my blade in her neck to avoid any major arteries, but to destroy her vocal box. I almost felt a little remorse as I watched her try to scream, the tears ran down her face. I whispered coldly, "It will lick your bones clean, Eydis..."

I walked out of the eggmine and started walking to Hla Oad, a khajiit lived there, he had some blood on his hands, the life of my sister...

Yep better stuff there. The death of Eydis was very imaginative, so kudos on that note. But I still feel the dialogue feels unrealistic, but that will take time of course.

I'm not saying this is for definate, but I have a very bad feeling about your character. He just feels way too uber, like the Chuck Norris of assassins. Meaning he will never ever fail, everything always goes his way and he has no problems. To be blunt, that is boring to read about because you know what is going to happen, and the character is boring. So yeah tone down his uberness, right now it seems like this dude could take out the entire city of Balmora and nobody would ever find out.

I still feel there could be a bit more description, the posts are too short and lack a good amount of detail to make the writing interesting. With that said it does take time for that to happen, so I won't go on about that, but as the RP goes on, then I will.

The ending was good, and left us wandering what is going to happen next, which is good. But I also get the feeling it will be the same old same old, Zalphon simply capturing his target (or something similar) speaking to them for a while, and then killing them (hopefully in a cool death), and after a while that'll start to get boring.

I think it's nice to add in the little detail about his sister but at the same time it feels so completely random, as if you just made it up completely on the spot. I think that should of been touched upon earlier. But at least it is a reason to kill, and I get a small feeling that you put it in because I said he needs more reason to go around assassinating everyone, but hey.

Also one little thing; how does the character know it is exactly 8.42am? I don't think there are watches in the ES world, and it seems a little strange, not a big deal at all, just a little odd.

And by the way, is there going to be a plot to this? Right now it just seems like a fan-fic about some guy killing people, and without a plot, it'll soon start to become stale to read.

Anyhows, well done and keep doing it!

Oh there is a plot, this is plot-building, a Morag Tong assassin who is losing his morales will be put to a test, a fight for survival...

Ah I see, well I look forward to seeing how it develops :goodjob:

As I was walking I felt a dart in my neck, for a second I seen an assassin, then everything went black.

I awoke in the sewers of Mournhold and seen the dark brotherhood night mother who said aloud to me and her dark brotherhood goons, "Today, we have a Morag Tong amongst us, today, we will make this Morag Tong filth earn his survival, and we will force him to remember who he is... This ritual has never been done before in history, but on the morrow, it will be, it is called The Cleansing. He will be thrown into a dungeon, and it will test him, physically, mentally, and emotionally... If he shall fail, he will die in there or lose his mind. If he succeeds he will come out a new man. This man may be weak today, but when he comes out, he will have an entirely new perspective on life, on taking lives, and the consequences of said actions."

I raised a brow and asked, "You scum don't sound like the ones I have heard about, why is that?"

The guards put a blade to my neck until the night mother said calmly, "Do not harm him, for now he is like the chimer, after the maze he will be like a dunmer, he will be changed, physically, mentally, and emotionally, if you should harm him, I will have you killed, just like he did to Eydis Fire-Eye."

I asked, "How do you know about that?"

She answered, "We have many spymasters in Vvardenfell, Child."

She turned away and calmly told the guards, "Send him to the cell, give him a single glass of water and a single loaf of bread..."

The old, hag which looked ancient walked away, her hair was so gray, I couldn't tell what color it used to be. The guards grabbed me and "escorted" me to my cell, by escorted, I mean held me and pushed me in. There was a skeleton in here, from the looks, it was an imperial. I slept on the wooden board chained to the wall. I had a dream, of my sister, she was fighting that khajiit and got away, but instead of going back to the Morag Tong, she went to the Dark Brotherhood. I awoke with the guards slapping me around, and I was sent to the old hag, who greeted me with, "Ah, you're awake, good, the guards will give you a suit of bonemold armor, a repair hammer, and a healing potion."

Indeed the guards did give me those items, luckily I still had my ebony shortsword. I was taken by the guards and thrown in their dungeon, it was more a maze than a dungeon, but I seen a minotaur walk by, luckily he didn't notice me. I found on the ground a note which read, "How far will you go to save your sister, and it showed a picture of her and a few Dark Brotherhood thugs." I sighed as I thought what a long, long, journey this would be. I sat down and prayed for a moment to, Vivec, Almaxeia, and Sotha Sil to help me here. I hoped they would, but wasn't expecting much...

Okay that chapter wasn't your best in my opinion. Mainly due to the fact there was a lot of dialogue, and I'm afraid dialogue is your weakest point. I've said it and I'll say it again; the speech between characters is just too flat and generic, and actually unrealistic, people don't generally speak the way you are writing. I think my best advice is to think about how people speak in real life, and then adapt it to make sense to the situation or person (i.e The Night Mother).

There was one thing them struck me as odd however, and that was the fact that the character knew the skeleton in his cell was an Imperial. If it was nothing but skeleton then how could you tell exactly? I also didn't like the timeskip of Zalphon going to sleep and then waking up (and in the same paragraph!). I feel that maybe you should of described the dream a whole lot (so we could really imagine it) and then ended it as the dream ended or as you woke up. But that's maybe more of an opinion.

One thing that I don't like it that the way the old hag goes, "Ah, you're awake, good, the guards will give you a suit of bonemold armor, a repair hammer, and a healing potion." I don't know why but it seems kind of odd, like you're taking the game mechanics into the story. I think it would of sounded better if they just said, "You'll get some armour and a few supplies," or something similar. Then later on when you get the supplies you would explain them.

I don't think the character's feelings came across very much in certain situations. For example, when he saw the picture of his sister with the thugs you just said he sighed. That comes across like the whole journy is little more than annoyance, and you don't really care about it.

Also, I may be wrong, but I don't think a Morag Tong assassin would pray to the Tribunal for help; I'd imagine they would pray to Mephala, seeing as that is who they worship IIRC. But I may be wrong there.

Plus you're still saying "seen" instead of "saw" at certain times. That really needs to be corrected as it can put people off at times.

On a more positive note I think your description of the atmosphere and people was quite good, and that outline of the picture is starting to thicken, but it still has a while to go.

Overall, not your best one, but still keep going! :goodjob:

I agree with Chriso on just about every point. He seems to have critiquing your story well in hand, so I don't feel the need to say much. :dance:

It's good to see you practicing longer posts, especially given that nasty bit of tension in your RP this morning. Writing does take practice, especially writing in-depth scenes and complex characters. But you're working on it, and you're accepting advice. That is very mature, and speaks well of you as a person.

Right now, your pacing is very quick. Your descriptions are getting better, although they're still scanty. Try to use details to your advantage. Fixate the narrative on a coat-pin, or a particularly ominous noise, and just paint us a picture. Make us see everything the character sees. There's a well-used phrase in writing: "Show, don't tell." Show us the scene using description and details; don't just tell us what's happening. I know it's hard to get a grasp on, but trust me, it's worth it.

I'd also like to know a littl more about the character. I agree with Chriso in that we don't really get a good look at what's going on inside his head. I get the feeling that he really is a psychopath. And, to be honest, I don't really care about him yet--he does seem pretty uber. The tried-and-true method to offset uberness is to give him a human flaw--and no, general angst won't do it. Give him a fear of spiders, or a weakness to women, or a tendency to bite off more than he can chew. These make him human and relatable... and therefore easier for the reader to care about.

Something that might help is to give yourself a little exercise... try this: find your favorite book (doesn't matter what genre or length), then find your favorite passage. Then, copy a couple pages. Just write it down word-for-word... but pay attention to how it's written. Notice what details the author uses, and how. Notice how they integrate dialogue. Learning by example is the first step of developing your own style.

Yeah Sparrow is right with the longer posts thing but sometimes I do get the feeling that you don't always listen to our advice though. I know that you're accepting it, but are you actually using it? No offense but I still see mistakes made that you used to make back when you first started, and some things don't seem to change at all. I will keep reviewing, but sometimes I'm not sure if I really should...

And how could I forget about show and tell? Thank Sparrow for pointing that out. Actually I remember Gallowglass telling you about this ages back, so there is another bit of evidence that you may not heed our words... But I digress, that isn't the point right now. See showing is so much more interesting then telling. Think of it like a shopping list, now what sounds more interesting to you; having a list telling you what to buy, or a list that gives you clues and shows you more interestingly what you need?

Okay that wasn't a great example but it was all that came to mind. But I hope you get the point that letting the readers use thier imagination is so much more fun, even if it may be a challange to cope with at the start.

And yeah I've mentioned it and Sparrow just made another point about it; the character is boring! I hate to be harsh, but to be simple, that is what it is I'm afriad. He has no personality, doesn't feel like a real person. Just an uber guy who can do whatever he wants, when he wants. And no one wants to read about ubers, why? Because they can't develop and change, and we're stuck reading about the same old thing over and over again. So try to make him a real character with feelings and thoughts. Personally, I don't care how good the story is, if the characters put you sleep then so does the fan-fic overall.

Anyways, I look forward to the next chapter.

I quietly walked behind the minotaur... SNAP! It looked at me, with its blood red eyes and elven warhammer. It charged at me, and it bashed its hammer against my stomach into the wall... Everything went black. I then awoke with a note in front of me which read, "We have saved you once, you get one more saving grace, next time you will die." I continued walking, this time I saw a nordic woman, she had long, blonde, hair, deep, oceanic, blue eyes, and a porcellain-like skin. I said to her nervously, "H-h-hello..."

She looked at me, her nordic steel armor was very loud as she turned. She asked, "What in Akatosh's name brought you here?"

I was still awestruck as I explained, "Dark Brotherhood thugs, they brought me here, to find my sister."

She chuckled, "Ah, you want a little help?"

I was still nervous, in the prescence of such a beautiful woman as I said, "If you would be so kind, yes..."

She punched me in the arm happily, and I must say nord women hit hard, but I chuckled...

We walked a little bit and seen a scamp. I pulled out my bow, but sadly, the scamp seen us due to my nordic friend charging in. I shot an arrow, it only hit his leg, but then, she pulled out a clayemore and swung it, cleaving the scamp in half. I raised a brow and said, "Wow, never knew nordic women were so strong."

She responded seriously, "We don't let our men do all the fighting."

I nodded, and asked, "After we get out of this hellhole, you want to talk over a glass of flin?"

She patted me on the shoulder and cheerfully said, "If your buying, I will do anything over a glass of alcohol."

Wow, she is quite unique, I would love to make her my consort, but she seems more like a free spirit than a housewife.

I frowned and said, "Lets not stop moving."

We continued walking, I then seen another picture of my sister, she was actually talking with a goon and then kissing him.

Those bastards, they are forcing her to do that, I'll kill them all!

I continued walking with my nordic friend, thinking of ways to butcher them all...


P.S. is it slightly better?

Well I found the beginning was completely random and pointless; he randomly gets hit by a Minatour, it decides to attack you and then everything blacks out, and then you go on and timeskip to you waking up (and all in one paragraph again!!). So in short your first paragraph was not a good intro I'm afraid to say. No description or feeling, you are just telling us what happens, and quite frankly, I was unimpressed. However you did describe the Nord's looks quite well, if not a little too quickly.

I may be wrong, but is this Nord with the Dark Brotherhood people who captured the your character? If so then I don't think she would say, "What in AKATOSH'S name brought you here," seeing as I doubt the DB worship the Nine. About this Nord, I feel that she just seems like a made up on the spot idea by you to introduce a female character into the story, which could possibly be used as a lover for the main character. On the topic of her I feel that the MC and this Nord just get on way too perfectly to begin with, I mean this people don't even know each other and they're acting like best of friends. And I may be wrong, but I can already see the great relationship they're going to have.

And then we have a random battle with a scamp. May I ask why? I don't know but it seems like you're just chucking random stuff at us and expected the readers to be entertained by it. Seriously just pointless fights are not going to do the story any justice at all. And once again I felt no emotion about the whole situation; they were just like, "Oh it's a daedric creature, no biggie." Just everything feels so stale I'm afraid. Also in that paragraph you said "seen" instead of "saw" YET again, I get the feeling that'll never be fixed, but I can hope.

However on a positive note the dialogue seemed much better. I am suprised to say it but it actually felt real and not totally robotic. It's a shame that the conversation was over such a random reason though.

At the end we go back to the same old barbaric guy. We feel little feeling from the character except that he's angry and that he's going to butcher them all. That just sounds childish in a way. I don't know I just can't imagine a grown man thinking like that. But that is more personal opinion in my mind.

Overall the entire chapter just felt totally random, with weird events occuring all over the place. I really suggest you work on your posts more. Honestly it seems like you scan briefly over the reviews you get, then just go on to write more stuff. You should think about EVERYTHING told to you, then go and type it out on Word or something. Trust me it'll be better that way.

Anyways, not your best, but keep going! :goodjob:

Is this falling down the pages a little because you've given up or because you're working on a longer and detailed post? I hope the latter!

Nah, im letting it go, the concept was bad from the start.

Oh okay then. Well I wouldn't say the concept was bad, I just think you struggled with the execution. And to be honest I know why. To be simple, it was the fact you tried to write about assassins, and without sounding mean, you're not good enough to do the whole assassin theme, only the very very best are. I mean it is difficult because they're naturally kind of uber, and with your character kickin' ass all the time it was too hard for you to make them interesting. Like I said no offence, but that is how it is I'm afraid, amongst other little niggily things anyway.

I hope you do another fan-fic soon, but next time maybe make a not so uber character, and work hard on it, working on all the criticisms that have been given to you (especially dialogue!) :goodjob: