I just feel as if I'm standing there watching three people talk to each other. It's like your just scratching the surface but you need to go deeper and explain how your character/s feel inside.

I have just started writting so I can't be too much of a critic but I do believe that your story could be helped with a little more detail to the setting it makes it easier to imagine. The stage is just as much a character as the actual characters. Might help your story.

What a stupid thing to say. Anyone can give you criticism whether they write fan-fics or not. If what they say is constructive criticism then they have the right. Like TheDistraction for example who gave you an amazing review and it was very critic like. But just because he hasn't got any fan-fics then he can't review your work?

Well i may've misphrased it... I do not like unconstructive criticism from people who don't write fanfics...

And complaints "This story is just terrible" are unconstructive...

Okay that's fair enough. I mean Tayroc is quite an active RP'er but I'll admit he should be a little more helpful. But he's been like that I've noticed with other fan-fics before. I guess it's something we need to get used to :shrug:

The above is a single sentence. I rest my case.

Maybe "we" shouldn't get used to it, maybe "he" should change it...

I may be an [censored] about it, but everything I say is true.

But there's no need to be a [censored] about it. It has room for improvement but the writer shouldn't be shot down and discouraged to write more and/or another fan fic.

He shouldnt stop writing, he should stop writing drivel.

I am on a rant now, so i have to keep going...

I can't stand idly by while terrible [censored] takes over the whole damn place. I have suffered the existance of the embarassment that is the "Drunken Dragon" for a long time and i can't stay quiet any more. That abomination is not even worthy to be called an RP. it promotes absolutely terrible habits that eventually spread into your other writing. Zalphon, people are trying to help you with their critiques and they have been damn good about it, but you continue to ignore their help.

If you want to improve your writing, listen to what they say and then continue with the story with their advice in mind. If you don't want to listen to them, don't pollute the place with this filth.

God-damn do i ever sound like an elitist.

I don't write fan-fics. It just isn't what i do.

You know this kind of is a perfect point. I hate to agree but it's true. I hate the Drunken Dragon Inn. It's an abomanation (sp?) to the fan-fic forum. Seriously people say it's a good place to start off but it isn't. It is the worst place to start. It is in essence, a guide how not to RP.

So to be honest yeah listen to what people say mate. It's true. I just don't like it when people write something, expect reviews but don't take heed of the criticism.

Sorry =/

alright I hope I'm not becomeing one of these people sinse I'm new here. I'll try to take any criticism on my fan fic to mind in case I deside to write more. by the way if you don't mind please critisize it.

Meh, I can't say its good (No CS sheets), but can't say its horrible...it saves time between RP's...

Zalphon said to J'skooma, "Show me your furless skin, J'skooma, we are both friends..."

J'skooma pulled back the hood to reveal a full head of fur...

Zalphon exclaimed, "J'skooma, maybe you been having a little too much skooma, your fine."

Quick-Strike agreed.

J'skooma looked in a mirror and said, "J'skooma thinks M'aiq the Liar isn't really a liar, he said they'd do this!"

Zalphon chuckled and said, "M'aiq the Liar, not a liar? You ever listened to that n'wah, he once told me that becoming a lich required the flesh of a well-ridden horse, the heart of a lich, and the blood of a dragon. Curse that lying skooma-brained n'wah!"

Quick-Strike grabbed Zalphon's shoulder and said, "Easy now, friend..."

Zalphon felt the hand of the argonian even underneath the madness armor and said, "Your right"

Zalphon headed to the missing pauldron and laid a bag of septims on the counter, and was given a suit of amber armor, and he gave it to his friend, Quick-Strike...

They headed for the heretic camp.

The hunger watched them, closely, but not attacking. Zalphon stared out into the Shivering Isles and heard Sheogorath's voice whisper, "Are these isles truly evil, maybe they are your real home... Maybe the legion is evil, and you have a false perception of things..."

Zalphon looked a little...disturbed to Quick-Strike.

Quick-Strike asked to him, "You ok, Zalphon?"

Zalphon looked at Quick-Strike and said, "Yeah, just fine..."

Quick-Strike nodded and they continued walking until they seen the heretics.

Zalphon heard Sheogorath's voice once again, "Maybe the empire are the mad ones, we are the sane ones, maybe Talos was really just a crazy man..."

Zalphon charged at the heretics as he thought, "Maybe, Sheogorath is right...just maybe he is..."

The heretics summoned hungers, but they fell as fast as their masters, as Zalphon attacked in his frenzy. J'skooma and Quick-Strike stared in awe, as his blade destroyed the heretics and their hunger.

J'skooma said nervously, "J'skooma is wondering if Zalphon is ok."

Quick-Strike asked, "Are you Zalphon?"

Zalphon nodded and heard the voice again, "Madness is true power, madness is the only way to attain peace, madness shall set you free, Zalphon..."

Zalphon looked at them and said, "Go on, I need a moment."

They complied as Zalphon listened to the voice, "Listen to me, Zalphon, listen, follow the laws of the Shivering Isles, and become one of us, and madness will set you free..."

Zalphon nodded as he heard the voice.

Zalphon walked over to J'skooma and Quick-Strike who noticed he was very pale...

Zalphon thought, "Madness shall set me free..."

J'skooma asked calmly, "J'skooma is curious, if Zalphon doing well?"

Zalphon grabbed the Khajiit by the throat and then lifted him off the ground and said, "Just fine."

Quick-Strike grabbed his amber shortsword and said, "Don't hurt him."

Zalphon turned around and grinned as he said, "Never, would I hurt him."

Zalphon heard the voice say, "Mad-One, fear not. I am here to protect you."

Zalphon said to them, "Lets go."

A group of golden saints and dark seducers arrived and said, "You're coming with us."

Zalphon nodded and was teleported with them.

Quick-Strike said to J'skooma, "We must find out what has happened!"

They both ran until they seen the gates etched with, "Crucible District".

They entered and seen Zalphon kneeling before Sheogorath, who said to him, "Let the madness guide you, Honored Madman."

Quick-Strike shouted, "Zalphon, what in Talos' name are you doing!"

Zalphon arose and said, "I am an Honored Madman, you fools!"

Zalphon shouted to the dark seducers, "Arrest these two, for attempted murder of an honored madman, bring them to my quarters though, I will deal with them later."

Quick-Strike shouted, "You'll be sorry!"

J'skooma shrugged and said, "J'skooma says lets go already..."

The Dark Seducers "escorted" them to Zalphon's quarters...

Just because I haven't written any fan-fics here doesn't mean I have never written. I have, but until I develop a good idea you won't see me writing any.

Well what I said wasnt exactly worded right... I meant more like, if you aren't writing Fan-Fics dont tell me "This is absolutely horrible", if you wrote the neveragaine, i'd be like "Alright, change the whole thing", but if you've never wrote one I don't think people have the right to tell people how much it svcks... (If you do at least give em advice to fix it)

Zalphon headed to his quarters, and seen a golden saint guarding them. He said to her, "I will take it from here, thank you..."

The Golden Saint said "My pleasure, Duke."

Zalphon replied surprisedly, "Duke, I am not the Duke of Mania."

The Golden Saint grinned and said "Sheogorath himself made you, Duke..."

Zalphon grinned and commanded the golden saint to leave.

Zalphon seen Sheogorath and heard him say, "Break their sanity, do it!"

Zalphon seen Sheogorath and said, "Yes, Lord Sheogorath."

Quick-Strike looked at Zalphon who locked the door, and then asked, "Who are you talking to?"

Zalphon looked at Sheogorath, and then at Quick-Strike, "Sheogorath, you n'wah!"

J'skooma coughed up some blood and said, "J'skooma thinks Zalphon has lost it."

Zalphon grabbed his sword of madness and tried to impale J'skooma, but he dodged and said, "J'skooma thinks Zalphon is completely insane."

Quick-Strike grabbed Zalphon with a sleeper hold and said to J'skooma, "Lets go, while hes out."

Quick-Strike and J'skooma ran out of Bliss, and ran until their legs burned. They arrived at the Gates of Madness and entered.

Quick-Strike said to J'skooma, "We're almost out."

At the gateway stood Zalphon with his sword drawn and he said "You will not leave, the Shivering Isles."

Quick-Strike grabbed his short sword and slashed at Zalphon. However he was parried. Zalphon thrust and struck Quick-Strike in the leg.

Quick-Strike hissed "Zalphon, for that you die."

J'skooma and watched and said "J'skooma thinks this needs to stop."

Quick-Strike looked down at his bleeding wound for a quick second and thrust at Zalphon, luckily it pierced a weakness in the madness armor.

Zalphon fell to his knees and said "Death to you, trai--"

Quick-Strike and J'skooma jumped into the gateway, back in Cyrodiil.

Quick-Strike said calmly, "Zalphon was my friend, but what happened need to happen."

J'skooma wiped a tear from his eye and said, "J'skooma will miss Zalphon."

They survived... But did they win?

J'skooma lasted several more days before he commited suicide via guard.

Quick-Strike ended up as an insane argonian babbling about cheese, shaved khajiits, and a crazy dunmer...

So the story ends of the Shivering Soldiers, brave, heroes, who succumbed to the madness of Sheogorath, their stories are remembered today. The horrors of the shivering isles drove them insane. Sheogorath is truly wicked... After the events of the Shivering Soldiers, the Champion of Cyrodiil,

Oooo Cool

I thought it would be fitting to have them go insane... J'skooma was already insane, Quick-Strike was fine until he watched Zalphon die, who was his best and only friend other than the khajiit, and Zalphon was slowly turned mad by Sheogorath (Im not a hater of Sheogorath, but darn it seems like something he would do, and I hate him for that (is it messed up im getting mad at a character in a game for turning a character in MY fanfiction insane?)), J'skooma loved Zalphon like a brother, and couldn't live without him...So he killed himself via guards.

Nope. Its compleatly normal. By Sheogorath standards

Thats not nice...

Also my next fanfiction will be soon, and either based off Solstheim or Mournhold (Thats right fellow Morrowind fans, Werewolves or Crazy Robots, starring, the hero we all know and love J'skooma, Zalphon, and Quick-Strike, it will be set about 14.5 years before the Oblivion Crisis...)

Well, for your age, you really aren't all that bad. I'm not calling you young, you're older than me, but half the people I know that are your age are illiterate and couldn't write anything readable if they were paid a million dollars. Your writing isn't bad, it's just it is very stale. There are no emotions, it is all mechanical. I mean, there are SOME emotions and drama, but most of it is just hacknslash. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say, and maybe change your writing.

Read some of the more popular fanfics on here, and soak in the detail and style, and come back a completely different writer :]