Thanks man, for all you guys who want to know im only 14, and helpful criticism is great, because I want to become a part-time author.

I'm sorry, but this story is terrible. It has almost zero description, the dialouge isn't believeable, and I see little actual story direction. It's little more than a quick list of one-liner actions.

If you wanna be a part-time author, my first bit of advice is learn how to write. Second, actually give description, write paragraphs instead of single sentences, and learn how to right believeable dialouge

WOW! I really envy you! You're soo cool for bashing a 14 year old's writing on an internet subforum!

WAY TO BE A COMPLETE dike :goodjob:

Now...

ZALPHON

Any exlusively negative critisism of your work (which I found to be very good considering your age) are wrong.

I see the makings of a publishable writer in you. You haven't let the negative posters here deter you from producing more work. Practice makes perfect, and judging by your post count on this subforum, you practice quite alot. I wish I had your youthful vivacity for writing. Not everyone enjoys it as much as you do. Hence the negative posts. They envy your work output.

One thing though...

In the context you normally use it, its saw not seen. Some grammar lessons would benifit your writing greatly. Pay attention in English class, and if you don't understand, ask your teacher.

Overall... KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! I WANT TO SEE MORE STORIES LIKE THESE.

If being honest makes me a dike, then so be it. I'd rather be able to give an accurate asessment of someone's writing than just rolling over to avoid hurting someone's feelings.

Lets not fight...

I'm not trying to argue or mudsling, but you should know that it's not "being honest" which makes you a dike. It's bashing a kid, A KID who has as much right to post here as you do. Of course he's not going to write like a pro, he just started writing. Of course he's not going to respond well to harsh criticism, who the hell does? And you're not giving an "accurate assessment of someone's writing" here because you're assuming that everyone who posts on here, regardless of age or background, should be a college level writer... which is wrong.

I say give the kid a break, he's not going to become Mark Twain overnight.

I think the overall thing that needs to be said is that Zalphon you could become decent but you must listen to others. Sometimes criticism comes up as harsh but shouldn't that give you a drive? Like a drive to prove that person wrong? Look I am not going to be all nice about it. To say you could become a publishable writer is a bit too much of a stretch. There are some amazing writers here that could and I hate to say it but you're not quite up to that standard. With that said you could become a part time one like you said. But I'm not sure on that one.

But I think what you should do is maybe stop writing for a while. Practice techniques and styles. Look at what other people write (people like Person from Anticlere, FC4, GD and Darkom etc) and then try to find a style that suits you. Hell maybe even take some courses if there are some available for english and writing.

I have to admit though I love your enthusiasm to write, you're nice guy and it's good to have you on the forums but please, for the love of god listen to people. It has been said over and over again but it needs to be drilled into your head. People mean what they say and you need to know how frustrating it is to be ignored. I hate to say it but you will never make a part time author the way you're going. But if you listen and improve then it can certianly be done.

However I hate to break it to a few people but just trying to be nice will not help either. I appreciate where both Verlox and Emperor of Dreams are coming from and you're both right in some respects but both wrong in others. Verlox I understand that the truth is needed and I actually agree with you, but lets calm it just a tad. And EoD I like it how you're friendly and all that but I think you're too nice about it. People do not envy him (no offence Zalph) and they do not give him negative posts because they're jealous, they do it because it is the truth. I hate to say it but 14 isn't really that young. Person from Anticlere turned 15 like 2 days ago but he's like top 5 writers (in my opinion) on the forums. So let's not use age as an excuse. However you still do have time to improve :thumbsup:

This is a silly rant really but I need to get it off my chest. So yeah just work on everything people have told you please. You can keep the same characters but try to give them a personality. You call them the heroes we all know and love but right now we think the opposite. But that can be changed.

On a side note stop doing that stupid Drunken Dragon Inn thing. No offence to you and it but I think it could be one of the main reasons people criticize your writing. If you started off in a more professional RP such as the ImmortalBlood Timeline (The Queen's Waltz), What Lies Beneath or something simialr then you'd be better off. It's good that you're in a few pro RP's but as long as you're still with that Inn thing you're still cursed.

In fact I recommend you join the Timeline if you want to become a writer. You'll become and amazing RP'er and writer simply because of the good surrounding. It pains me that I can't join.

Anyway yeah. Talk over.