The guard at the gateway to the Shivering Isles has reported it to High Chancellor Ocato... Now the Imperial Legion has to take care of it, and hopefully make alliances against the daedra with whatever/whoever are in it. Ocato has arranged for three friends, who each have unique qualities that make them right for the job to be impressed into the legion. May Sheogorath have mercy on their souls...

The dunmer named Zalphon took a swig from his tankard and said to the argonian named "Quick-Strike", "Quicky, I heard you and the misses hit it off last night..."

The argonian replied "Yes, me and Silver-Tail, are going to have hatchlings in Last Seed, I am very proud..."

The Khajiit said calmly "J'Skooma thinks he hears prey approaching..."

An Imperial Captain walked over and said unemotionally "High Chancellor Ocato has ordered me to have you come to the White-Gold Tower, in the Imperial City for a duty for the Empire..."

Zalphon barked outragedly "Why? What has he done for me?"

The Imperial Captain said calmly "I have never failed a duty before, nor do I intend to start now..."

Zalphon grabbed felt a blade to his throat and a potion shoved in his mouth and behind him stood a man in black clothing, and a black hood who said to the Captain "Like taking candy from a baby..."

Zalphon fell unconsious and then his friends said together "We'll come peacefully..."

A few moons came and passed, before they reached the Imperial City, and their they met High Chancellor Ocato who said to the three "Greetings, now, I am sure the Knight informed you of your duties right?"

The three nodded and heard Ocato's voice say "Excellent, we have discovered, problematic issues, and you are going to do a little exploration, we will outfit you, and if you come back, a manor awaits for the each of you..."

Zalphon glared and said "Fine, but I expect a pile of drakes as well..."

Ocato nodded, and brought them to the armory...

Zalphon grabbed a suit of ebony armor, however he refused to wear the helmet, because it was too heavy, he also grabbed an ebony longsword and an ebony shield.

Quick-Strike grabbed some elven armor and said to Zalphon, "Elves make helmets too small" as he threw the helm away, then he grabbed a steel spear...

The Khajiit was perfectly content with his robes and said, "J'skooma is fine..."

They traveled to the gateway to the shivering isles... A golden saint stood by it, on the right, and a dark seducer on the left, they both said together "Sheogorath awaits, mortals..."

And they entered...

To be continued...

Wow your writing has improved tremendously since you joined! Bravo. But don't overload it with ...s. This can make a story seem really distant or mushy. Just use .s, and ...s when it's only really necessary.

Zalphon looked in awe at this wondrous place, the landscape filled him with life, he turned around and said to Quick-Strike "Quicky, I don't think I ever want to leave."

Quick-Strike sighed and said emotionlessly "It is Quick-Strike, and this place is of unknown origin, it is dangerous, now lets go, follow this road."

J'skooma just nodded and followed the dirt road to a small town called "Passwall". Zalphon inquired to a man named Sheldon "What is this place?"

He responded quickly "Passwall, this is right before the gates of madness into the Shivering Isles."

Zalphon raised a brow as he asked "The gates of madness, and the shivering isles, whats that?"

Sheldon chuckled and then said "Ah, your new here, well, this is Sheogorath's Realm, we are his well, followers or subjects."

Zalphon walked on the road and looked at his friends J'skooma and Quick-Strike, and then said to J'skooma "What do you think, J'skooma, or what do you think Quicky..."

Quick-Strike replied "Lets continue on, Sheogorath is a god, not one to be messed with either..."

They continued on and seen a group of adventurers fighting a sewn golem of flesh, and then A bolt of flame emitted from J'skooma's fingertips, burning the golem to a crisp. Zalphon ran up and seen two keys each engraved, one was engraved "Key to Mania" the other was engraved "Key to Dementia".

Zalphon asked them "Which way, guys?"

J'skooma said calmly "Mania, it sounds like a nicer crowd."

Quick-Strike replied softly "Dementia, it sounds like we can get more information from some fearful folk."

Zalphon grabbed a septim from his bag and said "Heads is Mania, tails is dementia."

He flipped the coin and watched it fall to the ground, and a cloud of dust arose. The coin had heads.

Zalphon said to them "Mania it is..."

Zalphon walked with them to the left door and unlocked it...

And then entered...

First off, it needs more description. In the beginning, where are they? It sounds like a tavern of some sort but if so, why would J'Skooma say that she(?) heard prey approaching? If they were in a pub there would be plenty of people there, and at times they all would move about. However, we don't know if it is a tavern or not because you don't tell us.

When they enter the shivering isles, you're assuming everyone has been there and knows what you are talking about. Not everyone does, so you should describe it. It's already there so it isn't hard to describe. This is also showing with the gatekeeper, Shelden (at least say that he is a redguard), Passwall, and the gate.

It would also be good to have a physical description of the characters. What color is Zalphon's hair? How muscular are they? Do they have any scars or tattoos? You need to work on showing rather then telling brief descriptions (or none at all) of the places.

It also needs the characters to be more believable. I don't think Zalphon's comrades would take well to a guard captain putting his blade to Zalphon's throat, especially if they are to be champions for Ocato. You would also think that Ocato would speak with more etiquette than, "Greetings, now, I am sure the Knight informed you of your duties right?"

In the game, a distinguishing feature of Sheldon is that he always talks about how he is the self proclaimed mayor. The fanfic should also have a familiar feel to it, rather than just having some faceless characters.

The uberness of J'Skooma one hitting the gate keeper was slightly disappointing. If you went through the quest in the normal fashion it would be more exiting, we could relive the humor of the insane characters, find new humor in your characters reactions to them, and learn more about them as well. It's too rushed.

There was a grammar mistake that really bothered me, "Sheldon chuckled and then said 'Ah, your new here, well, this is Sheogorath's Realm, we are his well, followers or subjects.'" This could very well be what he's saying, but it reads off poorly. It would be better saying, "Sheldon chuckled, 'Ah, your new here. This is Sheogorath's Realm, we are his,' Shelden paused, 'well... followers, or subjects.'" That way you can understand it without thinking, and he doesn't call "them" a well. Back to description, who are the "we?" The adventurers? If you have played through the SI you would know there are more people, but you can't infer that we know that. I'll leave the rest of the grammar up to the more experienced critics.

In all, better than your previous works, it wasn't quite as confusing, but you still need better dialogue and such.

Just thought I'd point out it should be "Ah, you're new here." rather than "Ah, your new here."

Well TheDistraction just gave you a perfect review. Everything I thought of he put so listen to that. So apart from what he said one thing that bugs me a little is that you keep going ''Zalphon seen a etc etc'' when it should be Zalphon SAW a etc etc''. It is just little things like that can improve your story.

The clanky, platemail, armor of an imperial guard captain...

As they walked through the doors, they saw a vibrant world. Zalphon drew his blade and said to them "Be on your guard, the horrors of this place can be anything from as weak as a rat to as powerful as Dagoth Ur was..."

J'skooma grabbed his dagger and said "J'skooma thinks this place like home, wait this is home!" The khajiit smiles and says "Watch out for Grummites..."

Quick-Strike just says "Lets follow this road, maybe we can find some information if we do..." They walked until the sun turned to the moon, and then they seen a three-foot tall being wielding a crude dagger charge...

J'skooma exclaimed "Thats a grummite!"

Zalphon stuck his blade out as a thrust, but missed, and felt a dagger cut his flesh.

Quick-Strike hissed a spell and a lightning bolt emitted from his fingertips, scorching the grummite.

J'skooma said vibrantly "Ah, poor grummite..."

Zalphon barked "Poor grummite!?!? It tried to kill me!"

J'skooma was silent and Quick-Strike cast a spell to heal Zalphon's wound.

They were silent until they seen two golden saints, and a gate with an inscription saying "Bliss District". They entered...

:facepalm:

I'm trying to help, I really am. So is everyone else who has ever critiqued your work. You addressed no main points from the post I made, and addressed little from other people's criticism in your various fanfics. The only thing you had the courtesy of responding to was about the guard captain approaching, but you still leave us no idea why. You still do not say whether they were in a tavern or house for it to make any sence in the first place. You didn't even bother to put the detail into your story where it counts. Don't bother adding new content until the rest is decent. Look at Helena's The Neveragaine, new chapters don't come out very often, but when there is a new chapter, you know it will be another great one.



Edit: Really makes me wonder why you said this "The clanky, platemail, armor of an imperial guard captain..." but whatever.

Sorry, completely passed over your post, didn't see it at all...

So let me get this straight. There was a massive (and good) review post and you missed it? Be honest, did you just ignore it? i really suggest you don't, people here are not going to be horrible to you in fact they're being friendly, they're taking the time to help you with your work which takes some of their time away. And if you don't even appricaite it then it's unfair on them. I get the feeling you just skim read them.

Honestly I can't imagine how good a writer you could be if you just took heed of what people said. But right now I see no changes, everything is the same. It's like ''thanks for the review but I won't listen to it''. C'mon, try. =/

I hate to be a moany bastard like this but I feel it's necessary.

Sorry, I didn't see it...

The group walked past the shop and then went into Crucible District, hoping for a way to make some money.

The group entered Cutter's weapons and seen the bosmer who cheerfully said "My name is Cutter, want a present?"

J'skooma looked at Zalphon and said "J'skooma thinks we could use the help."

Zalphon said reluctantly "Sure, I guess..."

Cutter ran over to another section of the room, grabbed a chest and said "This belonged to another adventurer, before he had an accident, he attacked Lord Sheogorath, well, here you are."

Zalphon opened the chest and seen some bizzare armor and was told "This is madness armor, this is the grand batch I made..."

Zalphon said to J'skooma and Quick-Strike "Wow, this is getting weirder by the minute, first we were drinking, then sent here, now im getting weird armor..."

Zalphon took off his gauntlets and cuirass to reveal a muscular dunmer, and he put on the madness armor. He then took off his greaves and sabatons, and put on the armor. He then put the helmet on and said "This is heavy, but, I can bare it."

J'skooma said to Cutter "J'skooma thinks you a friend..."

Cutter grinned and said "Run along now you two. She then said to Zalphon "Wait you stay..."

She pulled off the helmet and said "Come here, you big, strong, dunmer..."

Zalphon backed away and said "Stay away!"

Cutter came closer and grabbed him, he pushed her away, and said "Come any closer, and i'll snap your neck like a twig..."

Cutter threw him a sword and shield made of madness ore and said "If you need anything, come back, my love."

Zalphon left and seen J'skooma and Quick-Strike staring, curiously. He said calmly "She has a thing for me..."

J'skooma said quickly and cheerfully "J'skooma thinks Ah, dunmer loves a bosmer, so cute, so cute..."

Zalphon slapped J'skooma and said "Shut up, catman..."

Zalphon put his helmet on and started walking with them, and then said to the both of them "Lets go...Sheogorath awaits..."

This almost feels robotic, you should include more emotion from your characters.

I will try...

No parent would name their child after a drug like Skooma.

Orphaned child, got named J'skooma because its a nasty habit of his...and khajiit view it as a divine substance like christian's do with graqe juice or wine which they call "The Blood of Christ".

You say this, but every time I see you post a fan fiction it gets critiqued, but never edited. Unless the system is messing up and it doesn't tell us when you edit, even though I can see when other people do. Don't release new chapters until the old are changed, else the only people who read will tell you the same thing over and over.

In fact, you have the same issues as last time I read your stories. They are, albeit, getting better, but still somewhat robotic. I know it is hard to look at your own work and change it, and harder still to listen to us tell you a general thing and leave it to you to contemplate and understand it.

We say things like "It is still robotic", yet we never tell you what you can do to fix it and for this, I apologize. I, however, do not posses that knowledge. Sadly enough, you will probably have to hope an accomplished writer comes and tells you what you can do to help your writing or find it on some writing site.

I'm sorry, but I agree with what others have said, and it is more of the same. I wish, I truly wish, I could tell you what you could do to improve specifically, but I do not know myself. Anyone can point out flaws, but it takes a man of skill to help those flaws. Skill I do not have -_- Thedistraction listed a few good things, but the overlying problems still exist.

All I can say is read other people's writing, both proffesional and amature (us) and look to see how it differs from yours. Look at things people have told you and then look at where in your writing they are talking about. That or just keep writing and have us address each issue as it comes up. Which could go on for quite a while

Thanks for writing, and I'm sorry I didn't give a traditional review. Even if I had, it wouldn't have fixed everything. This way, I hope you strive to look at your writing and find these errors before we have to. Edit before you send it off to us ^_^ Keep it up, and only listen to the constructive comments (But be sure to really listen) Thanks again, I promise to give you real reviews later.

EDIT: Sorry, I was responding to your post at 2:46. Nothing to do with his name, though I wouldn't advise using that example... And they prefer moon sugar

Thats like a crack-addict naming their kid Rocky.

Zalphon watched his two friends walk with him. He said to them "J'skooma, Quicky, we were just a few friends in a tavern, now we're elite soldiers..."

J'skooma nodded and said "J'skooma agrees..."

Quick-Strike said softly "As do I..."

Cutter came running out of her shop and yelled "That one in the madness armor, he stole it, bring him to me, i'll take care of him!"

The Dark Seducers complied and grabbed Zalphon. They brought him into Cutter's weapons, opened a trapdoor, and threw him down in, then they cast a burden spell on him.

J'skooma shouted "Zalphon!"

Quick-Strike elbowed J'skooma and said "We have the element of surprise, let us use it."

Daylight turned to Moonlight as the two spied on Cutter's weapons. Zalphon looked at Cutter as she came down and said "Ah, mittens, I didn't want to have to do this to you." She lifted off Zalphon's helmet, only to be spit on.

Zalphon replied "You crazy bosmer!"

She grabbed him by the throat and said "Try again, dunmer" and she broke his nose by a single punch. J'skooma arrived and said "J'skooma says hi, nice bosmer lady..."

Cutter grabbed J'skooma and then felt a blade slit her throat. Zalphon said "Thanks, guys, that bosmer was a little crazy..."

J'skooma hastily said "No, Cutter not crazy, just odd..."

Zalphon shook his head and said "The crazy wench broke my nose!"

Quick-Strike said quickly "not to worry, drink this..."

Zalphon was handed a bubbling vial, and gulped it down.

When they exited they were surrounded by Golden Saints and Dark Seducers... And behind them stood Lord Sheogorath who said "Ah, you killed Cutter, most excellent, she was quite lacking in cheese, but not the point... You are now officially Slaves of the Shivering Isles... You may not leave until you have done what I have asked..."

Zalphon nodded and asked "What, Master..."

Sheogorath grinned and said "In dear time, my young friends, in dear time..."

He then added "Take them to the Bliss District, have a resident removed, and throw them in. If they try to escape, well madness is my sphere..."

Zalphon mumbled under his breath, J'skooma said to Sheogorath "J'skooma thinks, since I am Citizen of Mania, me and friends should get to stay free wherever we want..."

Sheogorath grinned and said to the golden seducers "Shave the khajiit..."

J'skooma shivered and said "J'skooma begs you, please, no!"

Sheogorath said otherwise "Actually, no... If he should misbehave again, shave him, if the dunmer should misbehave, shave the khajiit, if the argonian should misbehave, shave the khajiit..."

J'skooma said "Thank you..."

Zalphon swore under his breath, as he was "escorted" to his new home... For now...

Zalphon read one of the bland books about praising Sheogorath and said to J'skooma "Here, read this..." As he handed it to J'skooma.

Quick-Strike was nowhere to be found.

Finally a golden saint entered and harshly "Lord Sheogorath demands your presence, slaves..." Quick-Strike appeared with wrists held out in front of him. Slave bracers were put on, J'skooma and Zalphon did the same. They walked to the palace.

Zalphon said to Quick-Strike "Qui--" as he was hit with a mace.

He asked "Why in Vivec's name did you do that?"

She said coldly "Slaves are to be seen, not heard, if you speak again, we will give you a slave's uniform."

Sheogorath arrived and said "Greetings, friends..."

Zalphon said hastily "Why are we in these" as he held up his slave bracers.

Sheogorath grinned and said "Protection...amongst other things."

J'skooma looked at Sheogorath and said "J'skooma thinks these are too heavy, can I get these removed."

Sheogorath held out his fist, and turned it upside down and stuck out his thumb. The Golden Saints and Dark Seducers grabbed him as he screamed "J'skooma will get revenge, that he will!"

Zalphon asked "What are you going to do to him?"

Sheogorath grinned as he said "Perform a spell...or two..."

Quick-Strike asked unemotionally "What is it, that you want?"

Sheogorath chuckled and said "I need an assault made, slaughter the heretics..."

Zalphon raised a brow and said "Yes, Milord..."

The Golden Saints brought back the khajiit... He was much thinner, his entire body was covered by a black robe, a hood, and a scarf covering his mouth. He said gently "J'skooma says they have shaved me bald, and performed wicked experiments on me..."

Zalphon sighed and said "Don't worry, friend, we'll help you."

Sheogorath dismissed them, and they left the palace...

[rant]

This story makes no sense. No justification is given to any actions. Even the God of Madness needs a reason to torture someone who he wants to help him.

Also, they shaved the Khajiit, tortured him, and caused him lose a significant amount of weight in less than 10 seconds.

In short, this story is terrible.


[/rant]

There are a lot of things here that don't really make sense to me, but I'll ignore that for a moment. First, your dialog feels very stiff and unemotional. Everything is short, with next to no detail, which breaks any hold you'd have over your readers. The characters, due the stiffness of everything, seem very generic, thus it becomes rather hard to feel any sort of pity or empathy for them. If you're going to write about this sort of thing, empathy is a must.

Everything seems strained and most definitely forced. I've seen your previous writing and I haven't seen much change. Enough to register, but not enough to make a difference where it counts. If English isn't your first language, all this is understandable. If it is, perhaps you could try some writing courses so you can get a better feel for writing in general.

Now, as to the things that make no sense, and I'm referencing your most recent post. I don't see why Sheo went through with all this. He is the God of Madness, but this doesn't seem much his style, nor does how you portray him. Next, we have the Khajiit with the :ahem: interesting name. How on earth did he become bald and experimented on in such a short time period? I have to echo Tayroc in this, it really makes no sense at all.

Now, your improvements are coming along slowly, but until they reach standard par, I get the feeling all you'll get is flak. Not that you shouldn't continue, but you should be aware of that.

If it is terrible dont read it, I never see you writing any fan-fics Tayroc :meh:

Also, what happened to the khajiit, you will see, he was threatened to be shaved, but what if those were empty threats, and sheogorath had a mage alter hte khajiit's mind to imagine it had happened, which would take about 10 seconds...

Also, let it be known, I do like criticism from other writers both of fan-fics and RP's, but not the pure critics, except for a few (Gallowglass and Darkom95), but others who don't write, and just criticize, when they write, they get the right to criticize...