Zalphon woke up in the streets of Balmora, and seen once again, he had been mugged. He found that the muggers had stolen everything while he was drunk, including his pants, they left him with a common shirt and a common skirt... The Hlaalu guards looked at him and asked "Is everything ok, citizen?" Zalphon replied "I drank a little too much Flin, and now I have been mugged, got some spare pants?" The guard handed him some common pants and Zalphon handed him 5 gold he took out of a nearby barrel.

Zalphon wondered Balmora, and seen a woman running from a mob, so Zalphon came in front of the mob and said "What has this man done to you?" The leader of the mob replied "He had my mine shut down!" Zalphon asked the man "Why?" The woman responded "I am a Kinsman in House Hlaalu!" The leader of the mob said "And for that you will die!" The Hlaalu guards came and said to the mob-leader "Stand down..." The mob leader drew his dagger and then the Hlaalu guard stabbed him with his sword and said "In Balmora, you do not harm House Hlaalu members..." The rest of the mob backed away. The woman said to Zalphon "I am Nileno Dorvayn, House Hlaalu Kinsman, we been needing some muscle, can you do it?" Zalphon replied "Im afraid not, for now..." Zalphon headed to the tribunal temple where he signed on as a Tribunal Temple as a layman, he completed the trivial quests with ease...

Twenty-three days later...

Zalphon was a curate, he then said to the priests "Now is my time, I am a Curate, and am going to see Lord Vivec..." The priests nodded in agreement, so they took Zalphon to the labrynth...Zalphon in his steel armor entered, and he seen a dremora charge at him. He thrusted and watched the Dremora die from being stabbed in the gut. Zalphon took the daedric armor from his corpse and wore it. He also took the Daedric Longsword and Daedric Tower Shield. Things from scamps to golden saints tried to take him down, but he kept fighting, as if he had been imbued by Vivec or Nerevar...He finally made it to Vivecm who said to him "You have made it..." Zalphon replied "I plan to speak to every one of the Tribunal...Lord Vivec..." Vivec responded "Sotha Sil is dead, young one..." Zalphon exclaimed "Then...The Tribunal...it is no longer 3 gods, it is only 2..." Vivec nodded and handed Zalphon a sword which had engraved on the blade "The Blade of Indorill Nerevar" Zalphon looked up at Vivec and asked "How'd you get this, Lord Vivec..." Vivec replied "When Dagoth Ur, defeated him I took this blade and will give it to anyone who can make it this far...Take it, Master..." Zalphon asked Vivec "I am a Master of the Tribunal Temple?" Vivec nodded and said "Do thy will, Knight, destroy the evil that infest thy land..." Zalphon nodded and left...


Apon getting out Zalphon seen an imperial knight-errant who drew his blade and said "En Garde, traitor!" The ordinators did not fight him, or Zalphon, just watching...Zalphon drew Nerevar's blade and watched as the blade cleaved through the enemy's neck. The ordinators backed away and said "You may go through, Master..." Zalphon walked and thought about the power he had attained...and how much more was in his grasp.....

Zalphon went to Balmora, and seen an orc beating a dunmer child, and Zalphon said to the orc "Get your hands off him, Pariah-Folk" The orc replied "Oh, now im mad!" Zalphon thrust his blade into the orc's skull...and pushed the orc off his sword. The Hlaalu guards came and threatened Zalphon, but then he said "I am a master in the Tribunal Temple, back away..." Zalphon grinned at his diplomatic immunity, he then went and beat the khajiit Ra'viir, mercilessly. The guards did not threaten him... Zalphon could do as he wished...

Posted twice. Good story, BTW.

Curse you Elite Birthday, that is twice you have gotten to a thread before me :nono:

Anyway,it looks like it needs a little work Zalphon. I'll start with spelling then?

wondered should probably be wandered
seen should be saw
man -> woman (???)
labrynth -> labyrinth
apon -> upon
seen is wrong again
im -> I'm

Besides spelling, I must admit this needs quite a bit of work.

First off, your introduction with the mugging seems to have nothing to do with whatever plot you are intending. Then your combat is...simplistic and rather crude, to be honest. As is your dialogue. Very little style or life to it. Then you proceed to tell us your protagonist has just become master of the Tribunal temple in twenty three days, and that Vivec is all nice and normal. At least your character isn't the Nerevarine I hope...

Repetetive statements leave little flow. Then we once more see that robatic combat as he just up and stabs a dremora, revelaing him to be uber as well. He then strips him of his armor like a player character would, not very realistic. He then meets Vivec, whom we have high expectations of here

Then you reveal that someone already took out Sotha Sil, and now your character has the Blade of Nerevar. Not only uber, but now he has artifacts. Both taboos.

Now we see him leave and for some reason is attacked by a knight. We have no idea why, and then another random scene full of violence. Then he randomly beats up a merchant and we know the guards won't stop him anymore.

Nowhere left for this story to go. He has no objective, no further character growth is possible, and we don't even know his personality. I hate to be harsh, but I find few, if any redeeming points about this story. I seldom say this, but I must ask you completely redo this if you want any semblance of readers.

Sorry, good try. Let me know if you want help with anything.

I am aware of my speed.

And yes, victory feels oh-so good.

Patriarch is leader, Master is just a VERY HIGH-RANKING member

To be blunt, what you wrote there was just awful I'm afraid. You will have to listen to Darkom. And please when making a character sheet for RP's do not uber like you currently are.

Please maintain only one fan fiction at a time. I assume you are done with this so I will close it in favour of your http://www.gamesas.com/bgsforums/index.php?showtopic=1018168