Sure good solid story is important very important,
but leaving holes and mystery is a key factor, right?
Sure, but too many holes and mystery just leaves behind a bullet riddled shell of a story that lacks interests as there are just too many missing pieces. And it wasn't mainly the mystery as it was the outstanding lack of detail.
Sitting on a chair, fiddling around with his combat knife while looking at the mysterious girls[1] weapon.[2]
Shade was at all not concerned about the female he had helped, she was resting on his comfortable bed.
He looked back at her and smiled, then looked back at his workbench and sat firmly in it.[3]
1.) Apostrophe girls -> girl's. It is her weapon, she has possession of it.
2.) Change that to a semicolon, or comma, otherwise it makes an incomplete sentence.
3.) Be careful with wording. Most people use workbenches to make/repair things, not sit in them
Taking a sip of his old vodka, he lent over the table and opened the haul of[1] the laser rifle.
The weapon appeared to have sustained massive damage from physical impact, implying that the girl he found had been attacked by something strong and large. [2]
most likely a animal of large size. he closed the haul of [3]the weapon and heard some knocking noises, coming from the locked door to the outside.
He grabbed his cameo combat knife, and his 44.mag[4] revolver and slowly went over to the door.
Raising his firearm, he slowly opened the door with his knife hand. Outside the entrance to his shack, stood 2[5] men wearing leather Armour[6] and one younger one[7].
1.) This is not a video game. You do not open up your haul. You open knapsacks, backpacks, duffel bags, satchels, and purses. And since there is only one item in question, you don't need any of that. Just say, examined the laser rifle or something similar.
2.) Weird sentence cut-off into the next paragraph thingy. Most likely when transferring from whatever you write this in. Make sure to take the time to properly space it.
3.) See #1
4.) Magnum! Don't use some kind of short hand abbreviation for things, that's just being lazy.
5.) Write out numbers one through ten. Two instead of 2
6.) Why is armor capitalized? And from that I take it your from England.
7.) That adds much confusion. Since you didn't reference there age, adding that just muck things up.
*Note: Still having capitalization errors.
most likely jackal gangers[1] he silently thought to himself, "what do you want?"[2] he asked while looking at them intimidating like[3].
"where looking for a female, she stole something from us. Shes got black hair and brown fu-"
The jackal gang member didn't manege[4] to say more as shade opened fire on the two men, shot them dead.[5]
Afterward he looked at the last one, who was younger and inexperienced."you [censored]s need to learn to leave folk alone, now sod off."
A shot to the ground beneath the last one, he watched him run like a coward.
He closed the door and locked it, unloaded his gun and put both his weapons on the bench and sat down again.
"Glad that's over...."
Struggling to keep his eyes open, he lent back in his chair and closed his eyes.
"God i wish i could take a nap, it used to be so relaxing."
1.) Thoughts should probably go into italics, though that is generally personal preference. And make it a new paragraph. And I think gangers is a term only used for the Powder Gang. So gang members is probably technically correct. Noticed how I capitalize my "I"'s and names; "Powder Gang".
2.)Capitalize that "W" also, dialogue should start a new paragraph.
3.) Looking at them intimidating like is a boring, not very vivid detail. This is pretty much what the whole of you writing is right now, you need to add more detail and imagery to make it vivid. For example:
He bared his teeth slightly and stared daggers at them, hoping to intimidate them. That was just one sentence, I could do this for almost the whole thing.
4.) Be careful of word check, it can still fail you. Manege is a place for horses, manage is what you want.
5.) Shot them dead is, once again, boring. Maybe:
As Shade opened fire on them, dissolving the head of the speaker in a bloody mist. He shot the second one in the stomach, the man desperately tried grabbing at his falling entrails before smacking into the ground. A puddle of blood had already begun to soak the dusty soil when Shade turned to the youngest one...Sorry, got carried away, but do you see what I mean. Look at all that detail your missing out on.
I just grabbed a piece of chapter one and found this much to work on. So yes, it's not perfect, you still need capitalization and detail...But you seem to have a solid story and appear to be showing signs of improvement, so it's not like a lost cause. Just keep trying. I'll be back for some more in a while.
Good Luck.
» Mon Mar 14, 2011 4:52 pm 
