Story Four: Sunrise Purging

Shades:

Story 4
creativity ? 3
story ? 3
characters ? 4
feel ? 2
general ? 3

I like the idea of a monster hunter contemplating his life as he prepares for his suicide, but it would have made more sense to tell it from a first person perspective with the end of his life being the end of the story. He is also in a hurry, and I think the tone of the story would be better suited if he was moving at a gentle pace and contemplating his life and the surroundings.

Loads of potential here, but it needs a couple more look-overs to smooth out the language and a really memorable last paragraph.

Redsrock:

Creativity - 4
Story - 4
Characters - 5
Feel - 3
General - 3

I very much enjoyed this story. If I had to nitpick about anything it would be that there were WAY too many paragraphs that started out with "He," "He'd," or "His." Give your readers some variety. It gets very dull if you don't.

But as I said, the story was great. I loved your choice of words, and the narrative was silky-smooth. I had no trouble reading though the story at all (save for the lack of variety in the first word of the paragraphs). Everything seemed to be written perfectly. The pace? everything. It's clear you took time to revise and refine your story, for I didn't find many mistakes at all. Thank you for putting together a well-written and well-revised story.

Also, don't rely on -ly words. They look messy and you don't need them. Believe me, I can tell your writing would look ten times better without them (which is saying something).

Burnt Sierra:

Creativity - 4
Story - 4
Characters - 4
Feel - 4
General - 4

I found the idea of a vampire hunter, now possessing the cursed disease he so despises, going home to end his suffering to be a nice idea. Not perhaps especially original, although in the realms of fanfiction what is, but I felt you dealt with it in a very creative way.

The plot is strong, and it progresses effectively and logically. There's a sufficient amount of tension, will he manage to reach his goal before turning, to keep reading at pace, with a desire to find out how it ends. I was impressed with the story, and very impressed with how you built the tension throughout.

The narrator has a strong voice, with plenty of sense of the character given throughout. Given the intentional constraints of the plot, the characterisation developed well.

The tale fits smoothly into the TES universe, although it would work as a generic fantasy tale as well.

Final thoughts ? overall this was my favourite entry. Some lovely writing, a logical and well thought out plot, character progression and tension of whether he would reach his destination in time and a good pace. It was also a polished entry, with which plenty of care had obviously been taken, and also was one of only two stories that managed to stick to the word count. An impressive entry.

Evil Pigeon:

Creativity - 4
Story - 4
Characters - 4
Feel - 5
General - 5

Well written, a nice tone, interesting idea and an interesting character. The story has an appropriate pace although I think the protagonist being in such a hurry detracted slightly from the sombre feel. I think the conclusion would've worked better if you'd stayed with the main character to give hs final thoughts rather than splitting off but, apart from this I really can't find much wrong with this. I'd have to say that is is my favourite entry.

Story Five: Diary of Dust

Shades:

Creativity - 4
Story - 4
Characters - 3
Feel - 4
General - 2

I like where the story goes and the events within, but I don't think it works as a prison diary. Nobody is going to write "Wait... I hear footsteps" because they would be listening for what was happening and then write about the after effects. The ending sequence where she recovers from the daedra slaying people while she talks with her alternate self is something I kinda doubt she would write down. What might do it is to frame this story like it's a one person play.

Redsrock:

Creativity - 5
Story - 4
Characters - 4
Feel - 4
General - 5

A very good story. I'm usually not a fan of journals, but this one was excellent. Very well-written. And I don't say that because there weren't any typos and grammar mistakes, because there certainly were. But, those sort of mistakes fit perfectly with the mood and theme of the story. It's a person's journal. One shouldn't expect grammar to be perfect.

The only problem I have is that the dremora she summoned talked, and even remembered the whole daughter scenario. I'm no lore buff by any means, though, so it's not a big deal. Just something I found odd, especially how the dremora remembered the fiasco.

Very nice story. You write well in the 1st person perspective.

Burnt Sierra:

Creativity - 4
Story - 4
Characters - 3
Feel - 4
General - 4

Using a diary format is a nice idea, although obviously there are both pluses and minuses to such an approach. On the plus side, you get immediacy and vibrancy, and a direct unbroken link to the characters thoughts. The downside is forcing yourself, as an author, to remain consistent, and not to show what the character couldn't know. I'd say you've pulled this off well, and it's a creative approach.

There's a very nice plot that comes to life throughout the piece, and for the most part, it works very well. I do think that towards the finale, the diary format stops working as well. I can understand why the character, in their position, would use a diary to remember what happens to them, but it seems less relevant, and more artificial, towards the end. Regardless of that qualm though, it's a good story, and it works very well.

The lead character is drawn very well, the confusion, the fear, the moral and ethical uncertainty ? all of that is brought across. The secondary characters though, which are seen purely through the narrator's eyes, come across as little more than archetypes. The superior Altmer, the cruel and uncaring guard, there's no depth to them at all, not even through the narrator's skewed perspective.

Like many of the entries, this fits very well into the feel and style of Tamriel. You've utilised lore well, and little details add texture to the piece. I'm a little uncertain regarding the Dremora at the end, though I'm prepared to let that go, as it seems logical within the plot.

Final thoughts ? this story works very well. The diary format you use effectively and the pitfalls I was concerned about are to the most avoided. You have some very clever ideas within, and you have been very creative with some of the techniques you use. What could have been gimmicky is mostly very impressive. A good plot, which loses a little of it's momentum towards the end, and thinly drawn secondary characters are it's main drawbacks. I do have one final issue to raise, although it hasn't affected the score for the piece at all. When a competition has a word limit of 3,000 words, I don't think it's fair to the other contestants for the story to be accepted nearly 600 words over that limit - it's a fifth of the total again. Only two stories have come in under that limit, and they might well have suffered from correctly following the rules. Like I say, because the story was accepted, I can't count that against it, I just feel it is unfair, and I'd urge you (whoever you are) to attempt to stick to the word limit in future.

Evil Pigeon:

Creativity - 4
Story - 4
Characters - 5
Feel - 3
General - 3

A good story, I enjoyed reading it and, despite some moments that I didn't like - "I think I'm blacking out again" I felt that the majority was well written. The main character was very interesting and that the story you told was interesting though I think you fell down a little with the ending which didn't quite work with the journal entry style of the piece. You could almost have finished it better in real time.

Thanks for putting those up, BS.

Also: Thank you, writers, for coming out. Thank you, Dark, for putting this together. Thank you, fellow judges, for taking time out of your life to help others.

Right, so there you have it. These were our thoughts judging, and as you can clearly see we had quite different opinions at times

What are other people's thoughts on this? Do you agree? Disagree? Violently disagree?

Let's see if we can get those brave authors who entered some final feedback, before we close this and move onto the next contest - which is starting very shortly, so get writing!

On the judges' criticism I must say I'm not too surprised with the results, on my part at least; it was a bit shortsighted of me to enter a fanfic contest looking for a more spread out story with a something that I wrote aiming mostly for feel and not intending to go into too much characterisation and all. Cheers for Rachelle and Half Tooth, much deserved. I think I may enter the third or so competition with something less narrow-minded.

(Also SOMEBODY didn't work too hard in disguising their identity )

If you are referring to me, no I did not. I was sure if any of the judges had knowledge of my RPing, they would know the writer. However, I didn't care.

Honestly, now, I'm not sure. I feel damn shameful of my work, especially when I vouched so much for my method of writing. And yet, it is the same method I use for every RP post, and every fanfiction I write. So the method DOES work... apparently, I just can't work for crap in a constrained setting like this one (ie, word count, etc.) Or, I can work, just not well.

And to those complaints of Jassan's word choice and method of work; that is Jassan Zartuck, and I am not about to change his character for a short story. He's been acting that way since I first used him.

So, perhaps, the Band of Bastards' beginning was just a bad choice of fanfic, considering the Band is filled with atypical characters that fail to mesh well into their archetypes. The Band does better in RPs.

I'm not likely to be participating in the second contest; creative juices flow in trickles lately.

Bah i knew my story will fail

Fortunately i removed some of Francis' "cheesy pop-culture references" (oh yeah, i had more of it)

Ohwell, i had fun nevertheless.


edit: Yeah, the whole cave/tomb adventure was hard to describe properly- i had hard time understanding what am i writing myself. (self-taugh english)

Congratulations to everyone that took part! All your stories were brilliant.

Oh wow, first contest over
Thank you to everyone who read and critiqued my story I appreciate the feedback. It makes a nice change to be honest from writing a fan fic and hoping someone critiques it, and I'm used to my work not being read much.
Well done Rachel the Breton I did enjoy your story.

I'll just say that I am genuinely shocked, but pleased that my story did as well as it did. *blushes*

Thanks for the thanks.

Wow, thanks Burnt for putting those up I was just getting ready to myself.

Thank you, Redsrock, for the thank you, and a big thank you for helping to judge this round :goodjob:

Anticlere, I agree that your story had a lot of your historical flair, but it did lack normal story charecteristics. This isn't always a bad thing; if you wanted to win feel, you did that perfectly. However, if you ever want to aim for characters or general, I would advise you change it up. But if you are happy, I loved your story (even though the beginning did feel a little dry info dump).

As to your story, FC4, I think the problem was that you used your RP characters. My guess is that you know them so well that you don't charecterize them quite as much as you would a brand new character. You feel very used to them, while the rest of us (excluding those that have RPed with them) don't. I might be wrong, but that was my first idea on that. Sorry to hear you won't be joining us; thank you very much for your participation

I thought your story had a lot of potential, Devil. If you had a bit more description and original charecterization, I think it would be better. I didn't get them, sorry But I'm glad you had fun- that's what we want to hear.

Indeed, nice job Half Tooth. I liked it Thanks for your help.

Thanks to everyone; the first contest is now over- save for your critique. Don't forget the whole purpose behind Feyfolken everyone!

Indeed, the second story might be a little too soon, but I think we can all write a 3,000 story in 15-16 days. If that is still not enough time, I'm sorry, but we can't extend the deadline. My fault for starting it too soon, don't forget this is my first time doing this too Thanks everyone, please pm or email your stories to me!

Thanks, and to you also!! And thanks to everyone who wrote, voted and provided feedback -- I enjoyed all the comments and critiques, and reading everyone's stories!!