First of all, welcome to the forum! :foodndrink: We're very happy to have you; it's always good to see fresh faces here, especially when they bring stories. I believe we've run out of fishy sticks, sorry to say, but it's good to have you nonetheless.
I commend you for having the courage to come post your story here, where anyone can read it. I assume then, that you are looking for a review? If so, I am more than happy to oblige.
Spelling errors aside, I hope you don't mind if I annotate your story. Helps me to keep track of things.
I decided to make a fan fiction story.
It may not be that great.
Tell me how you like it though.
Well don't tell us that. Be proud of what you've written. You can be humble, but you should never put your own story down. Other than that I just wanted to say you might want to think about a title. "My first fan fiction" isn't the best way to attract readers. Chapter 1: When Light Falls to Darkness
Sarvis, being a dunmer noble in morrowind, belonging to the rich House Hlallu, lived a life of ease. Having a manor in the city of Balmora was a great life for him. Sarvis made a large sum money making deals with the East Trade Company by selling the rich, dark, rare metal called ebony. Ebony was mined in deep caverns in the Red Mountain, but the work was profitable. Sarvis was still young, only in his mid twenties. He was tall, thin, a sly type of person. He had a silver colored hair, slicked back, and his face had painted ceremonial patterns of the native dunmeri in Vvardenfell. Being ranked "House Cousin" he would no longer make trades in the egg mining in Gnisis. Sarvis' manor was a moderate size. A one story building, having shelves full of Matze and decorative silver mugs. His main room had elegantly wood carved chairs and a large table in the center. The room over, his bedroom, had a large mattress, almost concealed by a red blanket and red silk pillows.
Sarvis enjoyed many splendors of life. He was a master trader, even doing deals with Telvanni for their bug musk sometimes or hiring the Redoran for bodyguards. In spare time he practiced three of his favorite things; Alteration magick, illusion magick, and the use of short blades. Sarvis' favorite weapon, an enchanted daedric tanto, could paralyze enemies while burning them. His tanto was light and hued a slight red color and had wicked daedric designs on it. Also, with the use of his magicks, Sarvis could walk on water while being invisible. He often enjoyed pickpocketing guards as they crossed the bridges in the center of Balmora since he could turn invisible and walk on water.
Alrighty, well, like Yttrium said, it's usually not a good idea to start a story with a pure biography of your protagonist. I felt like I was reading a character sheet rather than a story. You can tell us all these things as the story progresses, but for now stick with the things we need to know. Only give the reader enough to make them interested; one of the biggest ways to hook an audience is with mystery. For instance, do we need to know right this instance that he is skilled at illusion magic? Perhaps, but not likely. Save that for a moment in the story when it's convenient to show us. Don't have him suddenly say, "Oh yeah, and I can do magic," but you don't need to tell us right at the start.
A good hook is something that will grab the reader's attention. If you're going into high school, you'll hear this ad nauseum from your Lit. teachers. You need to get the reader interested within the first paragraph, or else they may well stop. Especially on a place like a forum, where a hundred other stories are begging to be read. It doesn't have to be a flashy fight scene, or a dramatic argument, but it needs to pique our interest. The visitation from the Brotherhood is a tad cliche, but it's a good hook. People don't get assassinated every day. Now, if you could grab the reader from the start, then hold them long enough to read that, you're guaranteed to catch their attention. If you want to know more about hooks, there's plenty of stuff on the internet, or you can just look at the first page of your favorite book. 
One night, his wonderful life was about to change. It would forever be cast away into a void of darkness. His almost-golden era, was about to fall...
Good use of foreshadowing here, though you laid it on a little thick. You're giving the reader something to be nervous about, something to make them wonder. They should be left guessing as to what's going to happen next.As Sarvis slept after getting drunk at a nearby inn and bar and having a great night with his friends. He almost didn't make it home without the help from a House Hlallu guard that luckily new where he lived. Before sleeping, Sarvis usually locks his door but this time he didn't feel a need too. He was in a drunken sleep, dreaming of a life of higher fame and wealthy splendor, but he was awoken by the sound of a glass breaking and then the sound of a liquid dropping to the floor. He grabbed the lattern that was on his heavy wood dresser and his tanto, then stumbled into the main room, still drunk.
Sarvis slurred, "Wh.. who is, 'hic', there... c'mon, sho.. show yourself too, 'hic', unlce Saraviz."
Good dialogue here, I especially liked the tag "slurred". It felt very realistic. However, be careful not to overdo this kind of stuff. Between the ellipses and the "hic"s I lose track of exactly what's being said. It doesn't feel natural, and it's making me realize I'm reading a story. The goal is always to make the audience live and breathe with the characters, not just watch them. Immerse the reader. If they get caught up on choppy dialogue, the break in flow takes them out of the story. You have to make the dialogue and descriptions so smooth the reader doesn't even realize what's happening. Their imagination should be showing them the story.a voice from behind him said, "You have no need to see me, for the Night Mother sends her regards. Your contract says you must be... poisoned."
The voice came from a dunmer man. He started to laugh lightly after he mentioned poison.
See, this is a good hook. Not to say you should start with this, but this is the kind of thing that grabs a reader's attention. The words "Night Mother" gives any story a sudden edge. It always means one thing: assassins. And as everyone knows, assassins- like ninjas- make any story more awesome. Just be careful you don't end up with the same, cliche assassin story. We've read hundreds of Dark Brotherhood stories, you need to think of a way to make yours different.Sarvis turned sluggishly around waving his tanto sloppily but before he could truly strike, the man kicked Sarvis in the stomach making him fall to his knees and throw up the matze he drank earlier in the inn.
Atfer throwing up Sarvis started to plead, "Wha.. why me? What did I do? Wha.. 'hic'..."
The Shady figure cut him off by saying, "Hush now, it is time for you to be ended, your life will be over soon. A local apocethary told me this langorwine should be potent to put an opponent down easily."
Sarvis dropped his tanto and lantern almost in slow motion as the man only sliced his chest once and within a few moments, Sarvis was out.
Not bad, not bad. The assassin felt a bit wordy; I don't see a real killer mentioning to his victim how he is about to kill him, but that's fine. Not sure why Shady is capitalized either, but like I said, I won't nitpick grammar with you. All in all it's a pretty good story. I'm anxious to see what happens next, and that's the most important thing. You've introduced us to the character and setting, and now you've started off the plot with his death. Or, should I say, near death.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How was it guys?
Pretty good, I must say. You show some serious potential, especially for such a young writer.Just my first story.
Then yeah, it's really good. 
My first story was complete nonsense; this is much better.Should I keep writing or stop?
Of course keep writing. If you enjoy it, writing is endlessly rewarding. If you mean this particular story, then that depends on how you feel about it.And any advice for better writing?
I was hoping you'd ask that. I might have one more thing to say, if you don't mind.Thanks.
Okay, so, I don't want to overload you with advice, but there's one thing I always say to new writers. There is a single rule among writers that is almost always brought up. It has a dozen meanings, and all are helpful; you will never get away from this principle. What is this all important rule, you might ask? Well, it's a simple phrase, called, "Show, don't tell."
"Show, don't tell" means, primarily, that the reader doesn't want a boring biography of your character. You can write a summary of your plot for your own planning, but the reader doesn't want to see it. In essence, telling is summarizing your story. Whether you shorten a whole scene or a single description, when you don't give details it becomes telling. Details are what brings a story to life, and when you give them it's like adding a whole new flavor to your story. Good details turn a story told into a story shown.
You "show" when you give details on a scene, character, or object. You can show an action. You can show your character's nose. You can show anything in your story, and when you do, it immediately becomes more vivid and more realistic to the audience. Remember when I told you to make the reader's imagination show them the story? That's what I meant. Give them enough details so the story almost becomes a movie they see in their mind. I don't want to read about him being cut, I want to see it. I want to feel the blood, to smell his fear, and see the killer's knife flash in the candlelight.
Here's an example: "Bob the Hero went to slay the dragon. He climbed to the dragon's lair and brought out his sword. The dragon roared, and they began to fight. Bob fought hard, and eventually cut off the dragon's head."
That, my friend, is most definitely me telling you a story. You wouldn't want to read a story like that, would you? No, you want the author to show you what happened. Here's another example:
"Bob was a mighty hero, the strongest man in all the land. He could best any of the king's knights in the joust, and was legendary with his sword. When a terrible dragon began terrorizing the countryside, the people begged Bob to fight the beast on their behalf. Bob, the chivalrous hero that he was, agreed to hunt the dragon down and bring back its head. Bob left his village to many cheers.
Bob travelled many days, through heavy rain and harsh sun, and eventually found the dragon's lair. Bob looked up at the mighty mountain, spying a cave near the top. With a smirk on his face, Bob strapped his sword to his back and began to climb. He climbed for hours, his muscles burning, but he would not give up. When the sun had nearly disappeared from the sky, he threw himself into the dragon's cave.
The mighty beast woke, and roared its challenge to the intruder. Bob, fearless as he was, could not help but marvel at the creature's size. However, he had come with a purpose, and would not back away from the raging dragon's maw. Bob drew his gleaming sword, and rushed at the beast, shouting his own battle cry.
The dragon lunged, its sharp fangs snapping the air as Bob dove to the side. The hero rolled, got to his feet. The dragon tried again, its red eyes blazing with bloodlust. This time Bob stood firm, dodging at the last moment, before bringing his steel down on the creature's neck. Black scales gave way before gleaming metal, Bob's sword slicing through bone and flesh alike. Blood splattered in a great rush, staining Bob's face and chest a deep scarlet. The hero's own teeth gleamed white behind bloody lips as he shouted his triumph to the world."
A bit more wordy, true, but it's much more engaging. The latter was an example of me showing you the story. It's not the best, obviously, nor is the difference usually so great, but you get my point. It's better to show the reader, with details, than tell, with plain facts. Paint a picture in the reader's mind, and make it stand out.
I hope my advice helps, at least a little. You really are rather good, especially for this being your first story. So, thank you very much for writing, and keep up the good work! :thumbsup:
» Sun Jul 03, 2011 7:04 am 
