Flash of white

Post » Mon Sep 14, 2009 7:01 am

Hey guys, this is a fan fic that i have been wanting to write for a long time, so please read through it, enjoy it, and give me some feedback. This is going to be short guys....




"Tommy! Stay off the road!"

Joey stalked over to his little brother and picked him up, bringing him back inside the confines of the fenced in yard. He set him down and turned back to weeding the damn garden. Of all the things that he could be doing on a sunny afternoon, mom wanted the garden weeded.
Tommy runs up to Joey and starts pulling on his pantleg.

"Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey!"

"What Tommy!?"

"...Wheres mom?"

"She's out of town picking up dad. She'll be back later. Now go play."

Ryan hears hurried voices, and a car door slams. He looks up too see his neighbors piling their belongings into their car. He stands up straight, and squints his eyes against the sun, staring at the family in curiosity. Joey looks back at his brother to make sure he was preocupied. He was, so Joey headed over to his neighbors. He gets to the end of his yard and leans on his fence. The man of the house was quickly piling nonperishables in the back of the car.

"Mr. Samuels?" Joey says.

"Can't talk Joey. Were getting out of here. I suggest you do the same." Mr. Samuels says as his family piles in the car, followed shortly by Mr. samuels.
He slammed the door shut and burned out of the driveway. Joey stared in puzzlement.

what just happened.

Suddenly, a high pitched whine became audible.

A tornado warning? No. impossible. Not in this weather.
It suddenly became mass chaos in the streets. people running out of houses and jumping into cars, speeding out of driveways, and not stopping for anything. Joeys heart dropped. He quickly turned and sprinted towards tommy, scooping him up and continued running as the dull whine of plane engines became audible. Tommy squirmed in his arms.

"Joey! Stop! I dropped my car! I don't like this game! JOEY! LET ME DOWN! JO-Tommy stop!" Joey yelled and kept running.

Joey made it to the end of the block and kept his run up, heading towards the end of town. More people filed out of their houses in a craze. Those who didn't have cars rode bicycles. Those who didn't have bicycles ran with joey. Joey heard gun shots. He looked back to see blood splattered against the passenger side of a car window. A man with a gun was currently pulling out the former car owner out of the car and jumping in.
It hurt to breath, but he wouldn't stop. He couldn't stop. He tripped. As he went down he pulled tommy into his chest and turned his back to the ground, landing hard on his back. he let out a grunt as he hit the ground. People didn't stop. The stepped on him to get over him. Joey pushed a mans foot off him and quickly stood up, continuing on. Joeys cell phone rang. He slung Tommy over his back for a second while he reached into his pocket and pulled it out. It was mom. He answered it.
Joey could hear similar noise to what was around him in the background

"Mom? Mom!"

"Joey! get Tommy and get as far underground as you can! Go to the metro Joey! Do you understand me? Get to the Metro!"

His eyes began to water as he heard the fear in his mothers voice.

"I'm scared mom! I'm scared. I-I-I don't wanna-you wont. You wont dear! I love-" A loud explosion went off in the phone, followed by static.

the phone slipped from joeys hands and he stopped running momentarily. The people screamed in fear even louder. Joey turned to pick up the phone and saw the outline of a mushroomcloud in the distance. He stared at the cloud in dispair, tears ran down his cheek. He turned back towards the way he was running and kept on going. His arms were getting sore. It wouldn't stop him. The dull whine of plane engines were getting louder. He had to make it. He had to get Tommy out alive.
The sky was black with ash. The dull whine grew into an intensifiying roar as a plane roared overhead, followed by two others. Joey looked up at them and ran harder.

Were going to make it! Theres the metro! Come on! Fifty yards! Almost there! Almo- Joey saw something drop from the plane. He gasped and pulled Tommy into his arms, turning away from the falling object. He squeezed his teary eyes shut.
A bright flash of white...
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Ezekiel Macallister
 
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Post » Mon Sep 14, 2009 5:59 am

Aside from a few grammar errors like capital letters at the beginning of sentences and new paragraphs every time someone new speaks. I enjoyed it and I'm eager to find out what happens next.
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Enny Labinjo
 
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Post » Mon Sep 14, 2009 9:21 am

Aside from a few grammar errors like capital letters at the beginning of sentences and new paragraphs every time someone new speaks. I enjoyed it and I'm eager to find out what happens next.



I don't mind grammar and capital letters oddities so much, but paragraph breaks would have been an easy way to smooth the piece out. But overall, fun. Good job. ...I kinda get the feeling there is no "what happens next!"
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Soraya Davy
 
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Post » Mon Sep 14, 2009 12:25 pm

haha yes adrian your right. There is no "what happens next." sorry.
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luis ortiz
 
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Post » Mon Sep 14, 2009 2:09 am

It was fairly good, some sentence structure mistakes and grammer errors. But nothing that was to over the top. But you do need to work on your sentence structure. Remember, that when someone speaks, and then another person speaks. It goes into another paragraph or sentence. 6/10 by me :)
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Matthew Barrows
 
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Post » Mon Sep 14, 2009 7:15 am

Was this a one-shotter, or are you going to continue?
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Paul Rice
 
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Post » Sun Sep 13, 2009 9:58 pm

Its a one-shot.
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Joie Perez
 
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