*Guard 1 walks up to Guard 2* - I′m here to relieve you.

Guard 2: - My feet are killing me.

*Guard 1 turns to Guard 3: - Go take a break.

Guard 3: - Good, I′m hungry.

*Guard 1 walks away, leaving Guard 2 and Guard 3 at their posts*

Me: WTF man! You just said those guys were supposed to get a break and now you walk away!? What′s wrong with you!?? *repeatedly jumps around the stupid guard yelling profanities in vain*
--------------
J′skar: May you walk on warm sands.
Me: Pal, we′re in Bruma. Everything is frozen here. Why are you talking about warms sands where there′s just snow to be found?

Is that when you come back with your Skyrim character and try a few dragon shouts on him?

Bandit: "Jump on my sword while you can!"
Solina: "Tempting as that offer is, I think I'll just kill you instead." *just kills Bandit*

Dremora: "Fail! Fail and fall!"
Rax: "You first, butt ugly." *kills Dremora*

Sylvan Warsmer: "WHY! WON'T! YOU! DIIEE?!"
Vrael: "Well, no one's shown me how to do that. Would you mind demonstrating the process?" *Warsmer demonstrates process*
Vrael: "Hmm. I think I'll hold off on that for now."

Lucien LaChance: "You sleep rather soundly for a murderer."
Rayvin: "I don't sleep. I wait. And just who are you, barging in here and tempting my blade?"
Lucien: "I am Lucien Lachance, a Speaker for the Dark Brotherhood. And you, you are a killer. A taker of life. A harvester of souls. Your work, your deathcraft, pleases the Night Mother. And so, I come to you with an offering. An opportunity... to join our rather unique family."
Rayvin: "I have little use for 'family', but I'm listening."
Lucien: "Then heed my words, for I will not repeat them. On the Green Road to the north of Bravil lies the Inn of Ill Omen. There you will find a man named Rufio. Kill him, and your initiation into the Dark Brotherhood will be complete. Do this, and the next time you sleep in a location I deem secure, I will reveal myself once more, bearing the love of your new family."
Rayvin: "You may be a 'Speaker', but you're not good at listening. I told you I don't sleep and I have little use for family. And love is about as useful to me as dry land to a slaughterfish. But if you're offering money for death, then Rufio will die by my hand."
Lucien: "Excellent! Now please, accept this token from the Dark Brotherhood. It is a virgin blade, and thirsts for blood. May it serve you well, as does your silence. Now, I bid you farewell. I do hope we'll meet again soon."
Rayvin: "Nice toothpick, but I think I'll stick with my own blade. Now leave, before I decide to put it through your eye, like I did with that Breton s'witt in Skingrad."

NPC1: "The Fighter's Guild is recruiting again. Not a bad line of work, if you've got th stones for it."
Sir Cumphrense: "Verily, tis a worthy Guild. However, I must concern myself with leading the Knights of the Nine."
NPC2: "Hail the Divine Crusader!"
Sir Cumphrense: "Nay, nay. I am but a simple Knight Skirmisher. Hail the Nine, for it is by their power that I have accomplished mine deeds."


I wouldn't be able to even if I had a Skyrim character. We were just inside an Oblivion gate when I told the Annoying Adoring Fan to wait.

Random NPC: Please, join me.
Me: In holy matrimony?

Random NPC: They say there′s trouble in Kvatch.
Me: That′s an understatement. Total destruction, several people dead and not to mention, I closed their Oblivion gate five years ago and the city′s still burning!

Having played only one race in Oblivion, I was unaware of the specifics of a certain NPC's multi-race conversations until watching a lot of YouTube Let's Plays mid last year. Almost immediately I thought of a right proper response to one of said NPC's diatribes:

VOICE HEARD FROM A NEARBY LOCATION:
"Hey, there! You! Kinsman! I haven't seen another Dunmer in here in I don't know how long. Where you from, huh? Vvardenfell? You got a wife back home? Tell you what. I'm getting out of here in a couple of weeks. When I get back to Morrowind I'll look her up. She must be so lonely. Don't you worry, eh? I'll take care of her long after you're dead. Oh, that's right. You're going to die in here!"

YOUR CHARACTER'S RESPONSE:
"Sorry mate, I'm not hitched. But say, if you're headed up Vvardenfell way and want a bit of action look up goodwife Dreth. She'll sport with anyone, will missus Dreth."

-Decrepit-

*In a mass fight in Ciirta's chambers, attempting to kill Ciirta*
Ciirta: "Hey, I'm on your side!"
Me: " My side...? I WAS SENT TO KILL YOU!"

Edit: Emote fail.

*after being attested and choosing to pay the fine
Guard: that's too bad. I'd hoped you'd resist arrest.
Me: dude calm down. You've just chased me halfway across Cyrodil for stealing a b***** cabbage and now you want to kill me? Someone has anger management issues.

Good one!


NPC: "Have a look at my wares. I'm sure there's something to suit you."
Rax: *looks at wares* "Nope. None of your 'wares' are not suitable for me. You, on the other hand..."

NPC: "How are you?"
Solina: "Is this a philosophical question?"

Alval Ulvani: "Back off or I'll turn your bones to ash!"
Rayvin: *fatally stabs Alval* "Oh really?"

Warsmer: "What's that?"
Vrael: "A poisoned arrow heading for your eye."
Warsmer: "Hagh!" *dies*
Vrael: *inspects body* "Oops, my bad. It was heading for your mouth."

Saliith: "No talk, no talk! Only train! Branwen and Saliith, we become combatants in Arena! We fight, we be champions, we be famous!"
Vrael: "Saliith not talk good. Branwen know how talk better?"
Branwen: "Sorry, friend, no time to talk! My friend Saliith and I are training to be combatants in the Arena! It takes a lot of dedication to do what we do."
Vrael: "Okay, okay! Sorry to interrupt the gratuitous pugilism. Just keep smacking each other around. Masochists." *walks away shaking head*

NPC: Look at the intelligence on you!
Me: Why thank you, glad you noticed.

Hirtel: "Come on! Run while there's still time! The Guard still holds the road, but it's only a matter of time before they're overwhelmed!"
Solina: "Whoa, whoa slow down there! What are you talking about?"
Hirtel: "Gods' blood, you don't know, do you? Dee-druh overran Kvatch last night!"
Solina: "Oh, by the Nine! Listen you uneducated, dyslexic, ogre wart! It's pronounced Day-druh! DAY-DRUH!! Not Dee-druh, not Dee-uh-druh, DAY-DRUH! If you can't pronounce it right, don't pronounce it at all. Now be gone, lest I decide to feed you to Bob, my pet Clannfear."

Errandil: "Identify yourself."
Rayvin: "Don't ever take that tone with me. If you want to know who I am, you'll tell me who you are first."
Errandil: "I'm Errandil, Living Saint of Arkay, and the Chapel's chief crusader against the wicked practice of necromancy."
Rayvin: "Riiiight. I'm Rayvin, servant of Sithis, and harbinger of death. When I kill something, it stays dead. Want a demonstration?"

Vampire 1: "Who's there?"
Arya: "Not me." *kills vampire 1*
Vampire 2: "What's that?"
Arya: "Just some Bosmer woman killing a vampire." *kills vampire 2* "Oh, look! It happened again."
Vampire 3: "Where are you?"
Arya: "Oh, I'm around here somewhere." *kills vampire 3*
Vampire 4: "I need to cut down on the ale. Starting to see things, I am."
Arya: "Yep, just keep thinking that for another two seconds." *kills vampire 4 two seconds later*

Bandit: "Die!"
Rax: "No, you." *kills bandit*

Bandit: "Jump on my sword while you can!"
Rax: "Sword? You mean your battleaxe? No wonder you're terrible in melee combat! You don't even know what ind of weapon you're wielding! I'll bet you couldn't hit the ground if you fell on it." *kills bandit; bandit falls through ground*
Rax:

Sinderion: - I bought some wine from Davide Surilie. Excellent body. He′s a fine vintner.
Me: - Just came out of the closet, eh?

Skingrad guard: Protect and serve. It′s what we do.
Me: We′re inside a walled city. No threat can get us here. What exactly are you getting paid for?

Me, to Langley (Anvil Guard Captain): "Nice looking town you got here. Tell me about it."
Langley: "Pretty, isn't it? And quiet. Not much work for us."
Me: "This is a port town with two bars right on the docks and there's 'not much work' for you? And what about that...unpleasantness in the chapel? Just another 'quiet' day? Maybe this place isn't as nice as I thought."

Me, to Maelona: "How about you? What do you think of Anvil?"
Maelone: "I like it here. People are very friendly. Much nicer than in the Imperial City."
Me: "Really? Folks in the IC are pretty friendly to me. Always stopping to ask how I'm doing, what they can do for me, and hailing me as 'Champion'. Maybe you're just not talking to the right people."

Luciana Galenas: "Hello, stranger. Luciana Galena. I'm Bravil's Advanced Trainer for the Light Armor discipline."
Me: "Ah, good. I could use some additional training. When can we start?"
Luciana: "Is this pleasure or business?"
Me: "Umm...business?"
Luciana: "You are one hot customer!"
Me: "Okay, this is getting awkward."
Luciana: "Let's just keep this affair between the two of us."
Me: *totally confused* "Umm...yeah, let's just...do that. Good plan. Listen, are there any other...y'know...actual trainers around here?"
Luciana: "Other Bravil trainers? City-Swimmer teaches Sneak. Dro'shanji teaches Security. Varon Vamori teaches Speechcraft."
Me: "But where can I go for light armor training? Is there anyone else who can help me with that?"
Luciana: "Head to Leyawiin, and find J'bari. He's the one you want to talk to about Light Armor training."
Me: "Good. That will at least get me away from you."

Dar-Jee: "I'm Dar-Jee. I'm a Khajiit in disguise."
Rax: "Sorry, I don't believe you. You don't have enough fur to be a Khajiit."
Dar-Jee: "Want to see me lick my butt?"
Rax: "No! By the gods! How could you do such a thing?"
Dar-Jee: "Hahaha! That one never gets old!"
Rax: "Well, it needs to just die. That's the most revolting 'joke' I've ever heard. And I've spent time hanging around Nords and Orcs!"

I've had "conversations" like this! Especially with my pure mage characters, who could one-shot dozens of NPCs and stuff.

Yeah, they're pretty fun. Solina just created a new spell called Acadian's Cataclysm that's had...interesting results. It's effects are: Drain Speed 100 points in 15 feet for 1 sec on target, Fire, Frost, & Shock damage all 40 points in 15 feet on target and Damage Health 40 points in 15 feet on target. A side effect of Drain Speed is that targets 'forget' they were just hit by a spell, if they manage to survive the initial hit. Several have, which provided some amusemant:

Solina: *hits marauder with Acadian's Cataclysm*
Marauder: *goes flying across the room, hits the wall, lands, then stands up* "Damn rats! Always skirting around it the darkness, making me jumpy."
Solina: "Never heard of rats that could launch a full grown Nord across a room before." * 'rat' kills marauder*

Solina: *hits bandit with Acadian's Cataclysm*
Bandit: *is launched across the room* "It must have been the wind."
Solina: "Yeah, it must have been. Wind that strong could also be responsible for the mace that's about to rearrange your face." *rearranges bandit's face*
Bandit: *dies from newly acquired ugliness. okay, it was from a mace to the face*

Conjurer: "Showing your face was the last mistake you'll ever make!"
Solina: *hits conjurer with Acadian's Cataclysm*
Conjurer: "I need to cut down on the ale. Starting to see things, I am."
Solina: "I can help you with that." *kills conjurer*

I wish I had some of my own to add to this thread. The Oblivion character I've been spending time with this weekend isn't a very humorous one at the moment.

LMFAO!

Guard fighting a mudcrab: "I've fought mudcrabs tougher than you!"
Guard fighting a skeleton: "Why don't you fall down and BLEEEEEEEED TO DEATH!"

Me: "The empires finest here."

Me to Hieronymus Lex: "Tell me of the Gray fox."
HL: "He's that thief the Imperial watch is always going on about, He likes to steal from rich folk."
Me: "But you're in.....your a captin......ah screw it!" (Equips grey cowl)
HL: Your the Gray fox! You're wanted for....for all kinds of things. They'll have you dead or alive and I'm choosing dead!"
HL: "I'll make captin for this!"
Me: "But you're alrea........ARGH!"

Jauffre : "He is a priest in the Chapel of Akatosh in Kvatch. He never knew that he was Uriel Septim's son. You need to find him at once and bring him safely back here."

Me : Why me? Why don't you find him yourself? I just got away from prison with the crime i don't know anything about it, going through crazy rats, a zombie and goblins, seeing the emperor got assassinated and i can't do anything about it even though the emperor was in front of me. And i also going through bandits, wolves, mudcrabs and some Imps on the way here... So no, i don't to get involved, find him yourself.

What anyone should have said to Jauffre upon giving him the amulet

These are great! Gotta love that wacky AI.

Yeah, Jauffre isn't the brightest bulb in the knife drawer. But he never claimed to be Gilbert Einstein, anyway. I have a coupe of responses for him, too:

Jauffre: "You brought me the Amulet of Kings? Who are you? Explain yourself!"
Me: "Well, it's like this. I was in the imperial dungeon for something I totally didn't do. I was just chillin' in my cell when the Emperor and three of his bodyguards walked in and opened a secret passage. I decided to follow them out through it. No, I wasn't stalking the Emperor, I just wanted to get out of the dungeon. Anyway, some weirdos in red robes attacked us and killed one of the bodyguards. We got separated after that. I wandered through caves and whatnot for a while killin' rats and goblins (and even a zombie, if you can believe that). I met up with the emperor and his two remaining guards again just as they were attacked by more of those weirdos. After we fought them off, one of his guards was like 'Kill the prisoner, (s)he's one of them' and the emperor was like 'Naw man, hill; (s)he's cool'. So we kept goin' and gettin' attacked by those weirdos and then we got trapped at a dead end. That redguard guy (Walrus or something) told me to hang with the emperor while he and the other dude fought the weirdos. Then the emperor handed me his bling and told me to bring it to you. And then one of those weirdos came through the wall and killed him. Walrus gave me a key that got me into the sewers (you would not believe the stench down there. Ugh!) When I finally got out, I had to spend a day and a half dodging slaughterfish in the Rumare just to get the stink off of me. Then I came here."
Jauffre: "As unlikely as your story is, I believe you."
Me:

^That story is ridiculous no matter how you tell it, yet he believes you anyway. Not very smart for the head of the Emperor's personal bodyguards.
Then there's this:

Jauffre: "You must go to Kvatch and find him (Martin) at once. If the enemy is aware of his existence, as seems likely, he is in terrible danger."
Me: "I couldn't keep the Emperor alive even with the Blades helping me and now you want me to go and protect Martin by myself? Are you working with these red-robed nutjobs or something?"

I always thought this as well! Very Strange indeed... and why do they not think that you helped kill the emporer too... you were a strange prisoner and they left you alone with the emperor, then suddenly he dies... LOL

lols

Jauffre : Do you know anything about the emperor death?
Me : Yeah, i saw mud crab kill him
Jauffre : As unlikely as your story is, I believe you



Jauffre told us to find and protect Martin in Kavath alone, while he just sitting there reading a book and the other experienced Blades (the monks) just wandering around Chorrol. At least, he can actually send escorts, we maybe dead on the way got assassinated or even got killed by mud crabs, bandits, goblins and imps.


The mistake Baurus and the other guy make in the history of Tamriel is to leave a prisoner alone with the emperor lols. The emperor might survive if they both stay in the room.

Along the way, the emperor himself can fight, mostly i just watch three of them killing the assassins so fast and easily. But then at the last rooms, Baurus told me to stay with the emperor and he with the other charging out of the room for no reason.

Another one

Me : Why am i in jail?
Emperor : Maybe the Gods place you here and so we can meet
Me : "tooooot!"(censored) your Gods!

My character had just arrived in Cheydinhal and decided to ask the citizens about local happenings.
Me: "Oh, hi, how are-"
NPC1: "Get out of my way before I have you slapped in irons!"
Me: "Huh? Well, okay, maybe I'll ask someone less grumpy. Oh, hi sir-"
NPC2: "Get lost or I'll pull your arm off!"
Me: " ... I think I'll go back to the Imperial City right away."

Beggar to Guard: "I'm only asking for a single coin."
Guard: "..."
Beggar to Me: "I'm so hungry... "
Me: "Uhh... I'm really sorry about that, but could you tell me what's happening around here?"
Beggar: "Hard to complain about living in Chorrol. We've got everything you need. "
Me: "But you just... you just... oh, never mind."

Lucien Lachance: "You sleep rather soundly for a murderer *blah blah* Now, I bid you farewell. I do hope we'll meet again soon."
Me: "Okay, but could you tell me some rumors first?"
Lucien: *with a horrified voice* "Have you heard? The chapel in Anvil has been attacked! All of Dibella's priests and priestesses murdered!"
Me: "You're one of the leaders of a guild of murderers. If murders creep you out so much, your job must be really tough on you..."

This happens all the time! I love the subtle change from their beggar voices to their posh voices, as well