Been a while since this topic made the rounds. I sometimes find it amusing to make my own replies to what NPCs say. Like these:

Guard: "Trouble?"
Me: "Yes. Yes I am."

Guard: "Is there a problem, citizen?"
Me: "A problem? A problem? The Emperor and his sons have been murdered, Oblivion gates are opening all over the place, Daedra have been sighted in the wilderness, an island just...appeared out of nowhere in the middle of the Niben Bay, priests and priestesses are being attacked in the chapels where they serve the Nine, I had to steer clear of a mudcrab the other day, and you're asking if there's a problem? What is wrong with you?"

NPC: "It's scent is unfamiliar."
Me: "Well, 'it' is now sorely tempted to make you intimately familiar with the scent of an arrow." *resists the urge to shoot arrows up NPC's nose*

NPC: "Everybody needs a copy of the Black Horse Courier!"
Me: *feeling panicked by the urgency* "Why? Is something bad going to happen to me if I don't have one? Give me a copy right now!!!!"

Bandit: "Jump on my sword while you can!"
Me: "Sure thing, I'll get right on that. Just hold still while I line up my jump." *shoots stationary bandit in the face*

So, what are some of yours?

I don′t actually do that too much. Too busy being immersed

But your stuff was indeed funny!

I can certainly understand that.

Thanks! I've got plenty more where that came from. Here's a taste:

Marauder: "By Ysmir's beard, we've got a live one!"
Me: "By the morning breath of Alduin, this Nord is dead!" *kills marauder*

Guard: "If you run into trouble, come find me."
Me: "Dude, I am trouble. If I run into myself, I doubt you'll be able to help."

NPC: "Have you heard any news from the other provinces?"
Me: "I just got out of prison. I haven't even heard any news from this province, let alone any of the others."

This occurred as part of an RP during the 'persuasion' game:

Guard: "Make it quick."
Me: *Boast* "Quick? I can barely move. I chased a 12-point buck down on foot and then killed it with a pewter knife."
Guard: "That's amazing!"
Me: *Admire* "Pshh, that's nothing compared to you guys. You do this thankless job all day, every day. You're amazing."
Guard: "It's good of you to say so."
Me: *Joke* "Hey, It's the Nine's honest truth. Oh,I heard a funny one on my way in here: A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says 'Why the long face'? Haha! Had me rolling."
Guard: "That's just stupid."
Me: *Coerce* "Hey, no reason to be rude. You talk like that to the wrong person and he just might rip your tongue out, slap you with it, and then feed it to you."
Guard: "Talk tough to me. I like tough guys."
Me: "Er, um, yeah. Look...I..I can see that you're busy, so I'm just gonna...make like a shepherd and get the flock outta here."

Golden Saint: "Speak quickly, mortal."
Me: "I'mtryingtofindthewaybacktoNirn.CanyoutellmewhereIneedtogo?"

Bolwing: "Fribble! Just fribble!"
Me: "Um..yeah, sure. I'll just do that. Wacko."

Necromancer: "Showing your face was the last mistake you'll ever make!"
Me: "You mean I'll never make another mistake for as long as I live? Cool!" *kills necromancer*

Conjurer: "Am I supposed to be impressed?"
Me: "Nope, you're supposed to be dead. Let's fix that, shall we?" *kills conjurer*

Alright you make me laugh. The persuasion game was especially awesome

My favourite:

Classy Imperial Woman: [snort]
Me: [snort] [giggle] [snort again]

Lol, pure gold!

I've burned up the humble battlemage at the Arcane University many times.
-"Ah, you must be the university's newest......."
- "That's it. I've told you enough times, now dance for me."

Shopkeeper: A pleasure to serve you.
Me: A pleasure to pleasure you

Thanks! It's fun to come up with these. I've got several that are topic specific. Here's a taste:

From Knights of the Nine:

NPC1: "Did you hear about the attack on the Chapel in Anvil? All of Dibella's priests and priestesses have been Murdered!"
NPC2: "By the Gods!"
NPC1: "No doubt."
Me: "Wait... You think the Nine go around murdering their priests and priestesses and use blood to leave messages declaring war on themselves? You're weird."

From vanilla Oblivion:

Guard: "Hail, good citizen. I speak for the Emperor. At least, I did."
Me: "Listen, pal, I met the Emperor and he didn't have any trouble speaking for himself."

The conversation to which I was referring:

Emperor: "You. I've seen you."
Me: "Congratulations. So have lots of other people."
Emperor: "Let me see your face."
Me: "I thought you'd already seen it. Oh well, have a look."
Emperor: "You are the one from my dreams."
Me: "Wait, what?!"
Emperor: "The stars were right. This is the day."
Me: "I don't like the sound of this."
Emperor: "Gods give me strength."
Me: "Oh gods! What's going on?!"
Emperor: "Assassins attacked my sons and I'm next."
Me: "Is that some game you play with your concubines?"
Emperor: "My Blades are leading me out of the city along a secret escape route."
Me: "To your 'secret place', right?"
Emperor: "By chance, the entrance to that escape rout leads through your cell."
Me: "I doubt chance has anything to do with it. Who are you, anyway?"
Emperor: "I am your emperor. By the grace of the gods, I serve Tamriel as her ruler."
Me: "My 'emperor'? You're really starting to creep me out now. And what do you mean by 'ruler'?"
Emperor: "You are a citizen of Tamriel and you too will serve her in your own way."
Me: "I was afraid of this. Look, man, I don't go that way, especially in prison. Why am I in here, anyway?"
Emperor. "Perhaps the gods have placed you here so that we may meet."
Me: "The Imperial Watch placed me here and I have no desire to 'meat' you."
Emperor: "As for what you have done, it does not matter. That is not what you will be remembered for."
Me: "I'm not worried about what I've 'done'. I'm worried about what you plan on having me 'do' and who's going to be 'remembering' it. I march to my own beat, thank you."
Emperor: "So do we all. But what path can be avoided whose end is fixed by the almighty gods?"
Me: "I seriously doubt the gods are involved in what you're planning."
Renault: "Please sire. We must keep moving."
Me: "By the Nine, yes! Please keep moving. Preferably, away from me."
Baurus: "Looks like this is your lucky day, prisoner."
Me: "Seriously? I just got hit on by some crazy old fart! How on Nirn does that qualify as 'lucky'?"

And here's a few more generic ones:

Bandit: "You move like a pregnant cow!"
Me: "Never compare me to your mother!" *kills bandit extra hard*

NPC: "You smell of death. Been conjuring up dead things lately?"
Me: "Nope, I've been making them for Falanu Hlaalu. Y'know, I think she'd like you." *evil grin*

NPC: "What can I do for you?"
Me:

And I'll finish up with this fun little sequence:

NPC: "What can I do for you?"
Me: "Bring me...a shrubbery! One that looks nice. And not too expensive."

NPC: "What do you want?"
Me: "To find the Holy Grail...wait, no. Wrong quest. What was the question again?"

Guard: "What are you looking for?"
Me: "The castle of Aaarrg. Tell me where it is, or I'll cut your arms off!"

Guard: "Stop!"
Me: "Ask me your questions. I am not afraid."
Guard: "You've violated the law!"
Me: "Aarrg! Wrong quest again! And does your mother-in-law know you call her 'The Law'?"
Guard: "Pay the court a fine or serve your sentence!"
Me: "I'm not paying squat and the only things I'll serve are pain and death!"
Guard: "Then pay with your blood!"
Me: "I say thee, Nay! I shall pay with thine! Have at thee!" *kills guard with a rather nasty poisoned arrow to the knee*

Guard: Looks like you are in some trouble.
Me: What? All I did was grabbing a mug of ale in this tavern and taking a sip. And I′ve paid for it you know. In what way could I possibly be in trouble!?

Guard: By the Nine Divines, stay on the road. The wilderness just isn′t safe anymore.
Me: I walked the road all the way from Skingrad to the Imperial City and on the way I′ve fought three bandits, one highwayman, two billies, four ogres, five goblins and a stray will-o-the-Wisp.
So, yeah

Pure gold.

Hope you don't mind, I'm borrowing your NPC quotes, Vyper


Guard: "Is there a problem, citizen?"

Eradi~Kate: "Not yet. Would you like me to create one?"


NPC: "It's scent is unfamiliar."

Renee Gade II: "Yea, well, that's what happens when I actually have time to bathe"...


NPC: "Everybody needs a copy of the Black Horse Courier!"

The Grey Wizard: "If they ever put out a story worth reading, a story about ME, I will consider it".


Bandit: "Jump on my sword while you can!"

Eradi~Kate: "Okay. You do know you're holding an axe. Right? Can I still jump on it?"

Guard: By the Nine Divines, stay on the road. The wilderness just isn′t safe anymore.

EradiKate: "I sooo agree. That Emperor...he never should have released me from prison!"

Random male NPC: Look at the muscles on you!
Me: Please don′t

Guard: You. I′ve seen your kind before, you′ve got blood on your hands. Keep your blade sheathed you murdering bastard, or I′ll put you down myself!
Me: Wait wait what? I just walked here, what did I do??

Thanks! It was fun to write.

Go right ahead. I have more than enough to share.


Guard: "Speak."
Me: "Woof!"

NPC: "Can it speak?"
Me: "Nope. Not at all. I'm totally mute. I'm not even remotely loquacious or sesquipedalianistic and I never bloviate."

Guard: "You have my ear, citizen."
Me: "Oh um, yeah. Do you want it back?"

NPC: "You have the hands of an illusionist."
Me: "This isn't what it looks like! Honest!"

NPC: "They say that, when you murder someone, the Dark Brotherhood comes to you in your sleep. It's how they recruit new members."
Me: "Really? Interesting... I wonder if that's actually true." *kills informative NPC to find out*

Guard: "If you've got to travel, by the Nine Divines, stay on the roads. The wilderness just isn't safe anymore. We've had sightings, you see. The Daedra..."
Me: "And just how much to bandits and the like pay you to say that, hmm? 'Ooohh, look out, citizen!' There's big, scary Daedra running around, so stay on the roads!' Ha! Like I'm gonna fall for that!" *avoids roads, travels the wilderness, stumbles through an Oblivion gate, has "wardrobe accident", closes Oblivion gate after lots of fighting, runs home and puts on clean pants*

NPC: "I saw a mudcrab the other day. Nasty creatures."
Me: "You saw a mudcrab, huh? Well, I'm glad I didn't have such a traumatizing experience. All I had to deal with was a half-dozen Dremora, 8 or 9 Daedroth, a few Flame Atronachs, 40 or 50 scamps, and a dozen or so Spider Daedra. Thank the Nine I didn't have to deal with any mudcrabs. I don't know what I would have done then."

Jair: "Hi. I'm Jair. I'm a dip."
Me: "A what?"
Jair: "A Pickpocket."
Me: "Oh, what a relie- wait, what?" *puts hand on sword hilt*
Jair: "Relax, you're safe from me. You look like you might take offense."
Me: "Offense? Offense? I'd cut your hand off, slap you with it, then make you eat it."
Jair: "You have to watch out for pickpockets in the city. You'd be surprised how many waterfronters earn a good income that way."
Me: "Actually, pickpockets need to watch out for me. I might take more than just their hands."

I didn′t know you worked as a standup comedian, Vyper!

My husband said, "Gross." Made me laugh hard.

I work about 17 hours a day at two jobs. Comedy is the only thing that keeps me (relatively) sane.

Glad you like it. I've got more:


Guard: "What is it, citizen?"
Me: "I was kinda hoping you could tell me, because I have no idea."

City-Swimmer: "Does anyone see City-Swimmer? Is he gliding beneath the silver water? Is he creeping 'round a corner, hugging a wall, silent as a shadow in the dark? No! I am here! I stand proud before you, City-Swimmer, trainer of the prospective Sneaker, the sly sliding unseen!"
Me: "Riiight. You refer to yourself in the third person, as the wrong gender, and seem to expect people to take you seriously? Good luck with that. Weirdo."

Arrogant NPC: "I'm Valandrus Abor, Primate of Julianos. You may address me as 'Your Eminence'."
Me: "I'm Verric. You may address me as 'Sir Verric, Divine Crusader and Champion of the Nine'."

Bandit: "You elves are all the same. All flash and no fury."
Me: "Oh, you want fury? Try this!" *brutally kills bandit with warhammer* "Enough fury for you?" *spends the next several minutes using warhammer to reduce bandit's body to pulp*

NPC: "No. Go away. I'm not here."
Me: "Well, if you're not here, then you can't be telling me to leave. So, I'm just gonna stay here for a bit."

Guard: "I'd stay back from that door if I were you. Nothing that's gone in has come out right."
Me: "That thing? I have no intention of going in there. I'm just waiting for my friend to come back through. Speaking of that, have you seen an adventurer named http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2fxVeAVl2I8?"

Guard: "What is it, citizen?"
Renee Gade II: "This? It's a sword. And this is my shield. I can teach you what I'm wearing, too. It's called armor".

Guard: Hrrurrrrurrrurrrrrrr!!!
EradiKate: *busts out laughing*

NPC: "No. Go away. I'm not here."
EradiKate: Yess...and guess what? Part of ME is not here, that is correct. Part of me...dwells on the other side. Wouldst thee like to join me? Wouldst thee like to seeee?

Guard: "I'd stay back from that door if I were you. Nothing that's gone in has come out right."
Lady Saga: Including yourself? No...hey...I was just joking! Just joking! Nice kitty-man!

OIC

Golden Saint: Speak quickly, mortal!
Me: Quickly? This is a two-hour powerpoint with a short break for coffee halfway through. You′d better find a chair.

Sheogorath: Brainpie for everyone! Care to donate?
Me: Eehhhhh.... no...?

*crouching beside a bandit whom you′ve just hit*
Bandit: Hmm, must have been the wind.
Me:

this one is so true!

Pro A.I

I've had a few experiences like that. Gotta love that wacky AI.

Guard: *chasing down a running NPC* "For the empire!" *kills NPC*
Guard: *squats down over newly dead NPC* "Hmm, the body is still warm. Looks like there's a killer about."
Me:

Guard 1: *walks up to guard 2* "I'm your relief."
Guard 2: "Good. My feet are killing me."
Guard 1: "Bye." *walks off*
Me:


NPC: "It...It's you! The Hero of Kvatch!"
Me: "I know. I can't believe it's me either."

Highwayman: "Your money or your life."
Me: "Well, I'm rather attached to both, so how 'bout I just kill you and keep 'em?"
Highwayman: "We can do it that way if you like."
Me: "Great! Thanks for being so accommodating." *kills bandit, keeps money and life*

NPC: "I'm so happy to see you, I could burst!"
Me: "Please don't. It took me two days to get all the blood and guts out of this outfit."

NPC: "I have a feeling you and I are about to become very close."
Me: "We've never even met before and you're hitting on me? Forgive me, but you sound like a.......person of ill repute."
NPC: "What can I do for you?"
Me: "Okay, look. I know I'm awesome and all, but you're just not my type. Please go away."
NPC: "You too."
Me: "Believe me, I will."

Bandit: "Showing your face was the last mistake you'll ever make!"
Me: "Dude, you've got something on your face." *fires arrow into bandit's face* "There! I think I got it."

good ones, Vyper!

Thoronir: "What kind of deal can I make for you todaaaaay?"
Lady Saga: "Um ...well here's a suggestion! How about the "kind of deal" where I make lots and lots of gold?"

NPC: "It's...it's YOU! The HERO OF KVATCH! This ...is quite an honor".
The Grey Wizard: "Would you like me to sign an autograph, then? Oh, never mind. Last time I tried that, I wound up incinerating the poor fellow with a 70-point thunderbolt! A huh-huh-huh-huh-huh. That was a joke."

NPC: "It's...it's YOU! The HERO OF KVATCH! This ...is quite an honor".
Igodah Go^Pe: "hero of Kvatch...Hero of Kvatch! Doesn't anybody notice I've "taken care" of that little orc problem in Cheydinhal? Doesn't anybody care?!! Orcs in Cheydinhal? Gone! But noo....I must live with this "Hero of Kvatch" the rest of my life! What a thorn in my side!!!" *glances at innocent bystander* "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT?"

From what I hear it′s not better in Skyrim



Guard: Is there a problem, citizen?
Me: It will be if you ask me that one more time!

Bandit: You move like a pregnant cow!!
Me: Oh? Why do you think that? Please let me know what I am doing to make you think of a critter that does not even exist in this world. *sits down on a rock*