Imperial Armorer- We would like to thank you for what you have done on behalf of the Empire we would like to present you with a very unique Set Of Imperial Dragon Armor
Me- Sweet (Puts Armor On)
Me- What the bloodly crap is this
Imperial Armorer- Whats wrong Champion is the armor not to your liking
Me- ITS WEAKER THEN MY GLASS ARMOR SET YOU IMPERIAL DOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Guard: "Stop! You've violated the law!"
Me: "Does your mother know that you call her The Law?"

Guard: "You have my ear, citizen."
Me: "Yep, and I'm gonna trade it for some caps...wait...Oops, wrong realm."

Ocheeva: "Once Phillida is dead, take the very finger from his corpse, the one that bears an Imperial Legion signet ring! Deposit this finger in the desk of Phillida's successor, in his office in the Prison Barracks, in the Imperial City! Do this, and the bonus is yours."
Me: "Wait, so I get a bonus for giving the law 'the finger'? Sweet!"

NPC: "It...It's you! The Hero of Kvatch!"
Me: "Yes, it's me. Hero of Kvatch, Master of Daedric Pwnage, Scourge of Oblivion, Bane of Dagon & all around anti-Deadric Badass. Now stop telling me who I am and tell me who you are, oh puny one."

Bandit: "He was here a second ago."
Me: "I still am." *fires arrow into bandit's ear*

Bandit: "Showing your face was the last mistake you'll ever make!"
Me: "I'm wearing a mask, you numbskull. How does that qualify as 'showing my face'?" *kills stupid bandit*

Dremora: "Your flesh is mine, mortal!"
Me: "Not while I'm still using it!" *kills Dremora*

Dremora: "You are not to speak to me, worm."
Me: "Okay, I'll just kill you instead." *just kills Dremora*

Dremora: "Be quick about it, mortal."
Me: "IneedtoreachCaracAgaialorsoIcankillMankarCamoranTellmehowtogetthereorI'llkillyouinwaystoopianfultocomprehend."

Bruma Guard: "As Captain Burd says, we have to stay on the good side of the local Nords. It ain't their fault they're ignorant barbarians."
Me: "You use so-called words like ain't and call others ignorant? How ironic. I'll bet you don't even know what that means. Moron."

Suurootan: "Bruma may look like a Skyrim town, but we've got all the comforts of the warm Nibenean south."
Me: "You don't have the climate."

Imperial Legion Guard: "Let's hear it."
Me: :huh: "How are you going to hear anything when everyone has your ear?"

Bandit: "Jump on my sword while you still can!"
Me: "You call that *ahem* needle of a dagger, a sword?"

Ulrich Leland to Bazur gro-Gharz: "I don't know you and I don't care to know you."
Bazur gro-Gharz: "I've heard others say the same."
Me: "And yet, you didn't get the hint."

Lord Rugdumph gro-Shurgak: "Precedeth most urgentlike."
Me: "Verily shall I go forth in haste and slay yon beasts. But thee must payest me, upon my return, that which I most desire: A Shrubbery! One that looks nice. And not too expensive."

Whoa, been a while since anyone posted in here. Time to (try) to revive this one...

Guard: "You have my ear, Citizen."
Me: "Want me to take the other one?"

Guard: "Let's hear it."
Me: :whisper:
Guard: "Talk tough to me. I like tough guys."
Me: :bolt:

Guard: "What are you looking for?"
Me: :hubbahubba:
Guard: "Ugh! That's foul."
Me: "Well, you asked."

NPC: "This is a wondrous encounter!"
Me: B) "Continue..."

NPC: "What do you want?"
Me: "You. Now."

Bandit: "You move like a pregnant cow!"
Me: "I move like your mother?" :stare: "Have at thee!" *kills insulting bandit*

NPC: "I'm so happy to see you I could burst!"
Me: "AAAaaaahhhhhh!" :bolt:

NPC: "You have the hands of a healer."
Me: "And the ear of onr guard, the finger of another, the hearts of an Argonian and a Dremora...Hmmm, what shall I take from you?" :shifty:

Oh my god....this whole thread is making my day. Especially this dialogue below. So happy I found this thing! Funny like hell. :clap: (I haven't gotten very far in the game so all the dialogue I get is tres slim-pickings.)

Enemy NPC: "Fall before me, Breton!"
Me: "I am NOT a Breton!"
*Shoots him in the face with an arrow*
Me: "... I just resemble one."
My characters race is a Breton, but the story behind him is... Different.


"Whats wrong, getting tired?" (Enemy)
Me: Aww, nice to know you care...
*Sword through his chest*
Me: ...ed. (Cared)


*After killing an enemy*
"Ew! You got blood on my sword! That's not cool, bro/bra."

Shopkeeper who dislikes me cause he doesn't know me: What do you want!? *Rude*
Me: "Currently? Shopkeeper Shishkabob."

Guard: What are you looking for?
Me: Heard of a place called Earth?
Guard: Good bye
Me: ... Somebody gonna get'a hurt REAL bad.
Later in Jail
Me: IT IS CALLED AN OVER REACTION! Jail for slapping a guard, Insanity!

Highwayman: Your Money or your life!
Me: I am going to kill you so hard...
HM: Actually that's the way this one prefers it!
Me: ...Your Mama is going to Feel it/become barren. (Depending on how bad his timing was.)

Enemy: Jump on my sword! (If he is male)
Me: ...Is this really the time to ask that kind of question?
Enemy: ???
Me: Oh you meant... Sorry my bad!

Enemy Talking about the Emperors Murder, 3 months after the fact as if it happened yesterday.
Me, while sneak attacking him with a bow: He's Dead, Get OVER IT! /OR/ I think you have more pressing matters to deal with... *Fires off an arrow* ...Like, RIGHT now.

NPC: Yes?
ME: Have you noticed the startling lack of cats in this world?
NPC Goodbye
Me: ...Was it something I said?

Talking with the emperor: ...You are the one from my dreams.
Me: OK, two things screwed up about that.
First, I just woke up in a jail cell, and
second, I am 18 and your like, ancient Eddy's grandfather.

Here's my minor contribution:

Guard: Then pay with your blood!
Me as The Destroyer: I'll pay with your blood!

NPC: "You move like a pregnant cow!"

*Dies*

Me: "Better than not moving at all..."

Bandit:*after decapitating one right next to the idiot*"Hmmm musta had too much to drink,seein things I am."
Me:Idiot your freinds head is rolling on the floor next to u.Your dumb**s watched it soar through the air.....you know what screw it*decapitates the moron*

Emporer:"You!!....You're the one from my dreams!"
Me:What's with your face?It looks like you've been on a crack binge with the local girls
Emporer:"Let me look at you"
Me:Seriously you need to look at yourself in a mirror,your face looks like an old catchers mitt!.You need a break from the parties.....

The one I reply to most of the times must be the Emperor

"You are the one from my dreams..."

O_o Dude, that's just, creepy you know! *slowly backs away*

Orc Barbarian: "I've killed far worse than you!"
Me (unsheathes sword) : "Do you want to test that theory?

:P I love that one, the OP's is awesome too!

EDIT- also,
Bandit:"I've met Mud Crabs more fearsome than you!!"
Me:"You must've met some damn fearsome mubcrabs!"
Me *Hacks off his head*
Or-
Lucien Lachance: "[...] and you are a cold-blooded killer...."
Me: "I'm a WHAT?!?!?!"


*EDIT2*
Owyn: My Granny 'cud beat You! And she's dead!
Me: What? Is she a zombie warlord or somethin'? :blink:

Well, the general consensus seems to be that the Emperor's dialogue is a bit...creepy. So, here's a whole conversation with him:

Emperor: "You. I've seen you."
Me: "Congratulations. So have lots of other people."
Emperor: "Let me see your face."
Me: "I thought you'd already seen it. Oh well, have a look."
Emperor: "You are the one from my dreams."
Me: "Wait, what?!"
Emperor: "The stars were right. This is the day."
Me: "No, it's really not."
Emperor: "Gods give me strength."
Me: "Strength for what?! What's going on?!"
Emperor: "Assassins attacked my sons and I'm next."
Me: "Oh, is that what they're calling it now?"
Emperor: "My Blades are leading me out of the city along a secret escape route."
Me: "To your 'private place', right?"
Emperor: "By chance, the entrance to that escape rout lead through your cell."
Me: "I doubt chance has anything to do with it. Who are you, anyway?"
Emperor: "I am your emperor. By the grace of the gods, I serve Tamriel as her ruler."
Me: "I don't belive you. Why would the Emperor make a pass at a prisoner?"
Emperor: "You are a citizen of Tamriel and you too will serve her in your own way."
Me: "I was afraid of this. Look, man, I don't go that way, especially in prison. Why am I in here, anyway?"
Emperor. "Perhaps the gods have placed you here so that we may meet."
Me: "The Imperial Watch placed me here and I have no desire to 'meat' you."
Emperor: "As for what you have done, it does not matter. That is not what you will be remembered for."
Me: "I'm not worried about what I've 'done'. I'm worried about what you plan on having me 'do' and who's going to be 'remembering' it. I march to my own beat, thank you."
Emperor: "So do we all. But what path can be avoided whose end is fixed by the almighty gods?"
Me: "I seriously doubt the gods are involved in what you're planning."
Renault: "Please sire. We must keep moving."
Me: "By the Nine, yes! Please keep moving. Preferably, away from me."
Baurus: "Looks like this is your lucky day, prisoner."
Me: "Somehow, I don't feel so 'lucky'."

Glenroy: "It's that prisoner again. Kill him. He might be working with the assassins."
Me: "If I was with them, I wouldn't have just put an arrow through that one's eye to save your sorry butt."

Jauffre: "I'm brother Jauffre. What do you want?"
Me: "I brought you the Emperor's bling."
Jauffre: "You brought me the Amulet of Kings?"
Me: "Well, obviously. I had it in my possession and then handed it to you. Jeez, you're dense."

Guard: "Talk tough to me. I like tough guys."
Me: "Time for me to make like a shepherd and get the flock out of here." *gets the flock out*

Marauder: "Showing your face was the last mistake you'll ever make!"
Me: "Look, I know I won't win any beauty contests, but is it really that bad?" *kills marauder*

Guard: "Stop!"
Me: "Umm...no."
Guard: "You've violated the law!"
Me: "Wait, that's what you call your mother?"
Guard: "Pay the court a fine or serve your sentence. Your stolen goods are now forfeit."
Me: "Okay, let's get three things straight right now. 1. I don't 'steal'. I'm just borrowing this stuff. 2. If I serve anything grammar related, it will be an abbreviation, not a sentence. And 3. I'm not paying squat."
Guard: "Then pay with your blood!"
Me: "No, I'll just pay with yours." *kills guard* "And yours, and yours, and yours. Oh yeah, yours too." *kills second, third, fourth and fifth guards* "Yep, that ought to do it."

Bandit: "I've fought mudcrabs more fearsome than you!"
Me: "Trust me, you really haven't."

Guard: "Stop!"
Me: "This again? Look, I'll save you the trouble of finishing. I'm going to resist arrest."
Guard: "Then pay with your blood!"
Me: "You don't have what it takes to kill me. Just throw yourself on my sword while you still can!"
Guard: "I've fought mudcrabs more fearsome than you!"
Me: "Mehrunes Dagon is not a mudcrab. *kills guard* "Neither am I."

Me: 'Jauffre, are you gonna keep the Amulet here while I go get Martin?'
Jauffre: 'It will be safest here with me. Return with Martin and we'll figure out our next move'
Me: 'Actually, it'll be safest with me, since its impossible for me to drop it for some reason. Just saying :whistling:'

I love it when I walk past some random Argonian who says: "STOP TALKING!"

Merchant: "A pleasure to serve you"
PC: "A pleasure to pleasure you"

Guard: "Speak"
PC: "Woof!"

Ive read it and know its been said, but it is just so [censored]ing funny!

Guard: What can I do for you?
Beggar: Can ya spare a coin?
Guard: Whats new with you?
Beggar: Have you heard about the tragedy in Anvil?
Guard: No, what happened!?!
Beggar: All the priests and priestesses murdered, the chapel desecrated!
Guard: BY THE GODS!
Beggar: Without question!

Me: :rofl:


EDIT* Then me talking to the beggar;

Beggar: Mi children will thank you for your help!
Me: Where is your kid, who is he?
Beggar: He's a fairy tale [...]

Also, I was halfway through that Thoronir quest, and I was sitting down in the Merchants in drinking wine. When Thoronir comes up and sits next to me, I always talk to the people around me when I have dinner, and our conversation went a little something like this...

Thoronir: Hello again!
Me: Hi!
Thoronir: WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME! LEAVE ME ALONE!
Me: Okaaaay?
Thoronir: I'm VERY Busy!
Me: Alright then, good luck with that anyway....

And just now.

Maro Rufus: Hi
Me: Hey dude, you sell light Armor, I use Light armor too! High Five!
Maro Rufus: Well if you MUST have heavy armor, see Varnardo, so heavy, So Ugly! But, its your choice...
Me: Right :confused:

I know I'm being abit of a forum Junkie, but I am currently playing and whenever a funny situation occurs, I cannot help myself to write it down.

Thoronir: To think all these things where on the bodies of the recently deceased!
Me: Geez, lucky I didn't end up buying those pants off you! Eh, how can I talk I sell things that used to be on dead people...
Thoronir: Yes, you do that!
Me (interrupting): HEY!!! Watch your tongue!

EDIT* I got more!

Thamriel: [...] Where are all the white birds!?!?
Me: Yeah, I know, you can hear the birds but not see them, isn't that weird!

Err, I guess I'm a bit lost now.... My actor never seems to be able to reply the way all of you do. What am I missing? Are these imaginative responses ? ;D

Haskil: "Praying to yourself, mylord?"
Me: !I was actually hoping to have an enlightened conversation with myself."

Guard: Stop right there criminal scum!
Me: I would but I'm in a slight hurry, please excuse me..
Guard: Nobody breaks the law on my watch.
Me: Oh you poor thing, you must not be affiliated with the Thieves Guild then. Here, have a 20 and buy yourself a drink at the King and Queen tavern. Now I really must be off.
Guard: Pay the court a fine or serve your sentence!
Me: *sigh* you're really going to go through this whole thing, aren't you? Well, alright, I normally don't kill guards but I'll make an exception for you. Say hello to Lucien for me!

NPC: "What do you want?"
Me: "Your soul." *casts Soul Trap, kills NPC, collects soul in black soul gem*

Highwayman: "Your money or your life."
Me: "Well, I'm rather attached to both, so how 'bout I just kill you and keep 'em?"
Highwayman: "Actually, this one prefers it that way."
Me: :blink: "Well, okay then." *kills highwayman, keeps own money and life*

Marauder: "You'll make a fine pair of boots, Argonian!"
Me: :stare: "Just for that, I'm going to tear out your ribcage and wear it as a hat!"

Bandit: "Where are you?"
Me: "I give up. Where?" *kills bandit*

Marauder: "He was here a second ago."
Me: "I still am, you idiot!" *shoots poisoned arrow through marauder's ear*

NPC: "Have a look at my wares."
Me: :hubbahubba: "I'd really like to but, right now, I need some alchemy ingredients."


Indeed they are. :laugh:

NPC: are you looking for a fence?
Me: No sorry I'm not into construction
NPC: Now walk away like you don't even know me
Me: I won't let the door hit me on the way out geez