As the second thread has passed the 200 post mark, it's time to start the third thread.

Here's the opener.

Helvius Cecia: I do a little of this, a little of that. And I serve the Nine. Praise their Names!
Me: You really should travel to Skingrad. There's a Nord woman there, name of Else, that I'm sure you'd get along really fine with.

edit: forgot to include links to the two previous threads.
http://www.gamesas.com/index.php?/topic/1065951-funny-replies-you-make-to-npcs/
http://www.gamesas.com/index.php?/topic/1102291-funny-replies-you-make-to-npcs-2/

Jenifur Charne

Mage Apprentice-"How can I help you, Arch-Mage?"

Me-"Murder all my enemies. Start with the Adoring Fan, then go through them in alphabetical order."

Mage Apprentice-"If that is your wish, Arch-Mage."

City Swimmer- Does anyone see City Swimmer, do they see him gliding in the water hiding in the shadow no I'm here I'm City Swimmer.
Me- Uh your a Female
City Swimmer- I'm hungry I'm going to steal some food
Me Yelling- Guards the Argonian is going to steal something

Manheim Maulhand- Well I be a spotted snow bear, a customer. Welcome to the Inn Of Ill Omen how can I help you
Me- By the Nine why aren't you wearing any pants
Manheim Maulhand- Its an apron plus I'm trying to impress Minerva.
Me- (Rolls Eyes in disgust)

City Swimmer- I'm hungry I'm going to steal some food
Me Yelling- Guards the Argonian is going to steal something

That's why I can't go into Bravil at the moment. Ungolim and the rest of the city has her back. Now Ungolim is the one they want to kill and he can drop them quickly. Everyone else seems to want to help Ungolim as well. The town of Bravil hates the City Watch.

Ha ha ha, a good one!

You forgot to link to the first two:
http://www.gamesas.com/index.php?/topic/1065951-funny-replies-you-make-to-npcs/page__p__15486763__fromsearch__1&#entry15486763
http://www.gamesas.com/index.php?/topic/1102291-funny-replies-you-make-to-npcs-2/

Anyway...

Guard: "You have my ear, citizen."
Me: "And after you retire, I'll add your finger to my collection."

Bandit: "Where are you?"
Me: "Here!" *fatally sneak-shoots bandit in the ear with poisoned arrow*

Merchant: "I have the finest goods and lowest prices in all of Cyrodiil."
Me: "Oh yeah? Then why have I seen better goods at lower prices?"

NPC: "What is it?"
Me: "I give up. What?"

Lazare Milvan: "You are talking again. You will stop."
Me: "You are breathing again. You will stop." *puts poisoned arrow through Lazare's eye*

NPC: "It...It's you! The Hero of Kvatch!"
Me: "I know. I can't believe it's me either.":blush:

Crafting things so that the townsfolk of an area are at war with the Guards is always a joy to see the results of.

edit:

Thanks for that, I had indeed forgot to include the links. :blush2:

Jenifur Charne

Guard in the Market District: You have my ear citizen.
Me: I don't have it anymore. I sold it to Thoronir at the The Copious Coinpurse more than a week ago. Only got 1 Septim for it, so you mustn't have kept it good condition.

Jenifur Charne

Glarthir: Psst, over here!
Me: *backs away slowly*
Glarthir: Psst, over here!
Me: Guards! Guards!
Glarthir: Psst, over here!
Me: *fireball*
Random NPC: Hmph, none of my business.

'The Stranger: 'Shadow hide you, fellow thief.'
Me: 'Ehh....you DO know that you're sitting about 10 feet from the Countess of Anivl's personal guard, IN her main hall, RIGHT in front of her, right? So...thanks I guess, I'll see you in jail?'

Shopkeeper: "looking for something specific?"
Me: "No."
Shopkeeper: "............"
Me: " :swear: YOU!"
Shopkeeper: "You too."

Signy: "I know a cozy farmhouse not far from here where we could... well, get to know each other much, much better."
Me: "Sorry, I don't do Nords."
Signy: "I'll mark it down on your map so you won't forget."
Me: "It's because you have orc voices, I think."
Signy: "I can promise you a night of fun you won't soon forget."
Me: "... did you even hear what I just said?"
Faustina: "Hope you're not planning to get much sleep."
Me: "OMFG" *Stabs*

Battlemage: Ah, you must be the Arcane University's newest addition!
Me: Look, I'm a Conjurer now..

Seriously, that's the only thing they say and is geting a bit on my nerves.

Bandit1: "Where are you?"
Bandit2: "Getting tired?"
Me: *Shoots paralyze spell on the first one* "Yeah, Probably."

NPC: "I got the finest goods in all of Cyrodiil."
Me: *Checks whats for sale, finding some novice alchemy things and some old clothes* "...Yeah."

Norbert Lelles: "I’m Norbert Lelles. I let my merchandise speak for itself. Look around. If you see something you like, we’ll talk about a price."
Me: "Actually, I stopped talking about prices since I found this Dremora Mace..."
Norbert Lelles: "It's a pleasure doing business with you."

Blind Moth priest: "It's a good thing we have the Black Horse Courier. I don't know how we'd get our news without it.
Me: "Yeah... this whole blindfold thing doesn't bother you while reading?"

NPC: "Kvatch is finished. There's nothing left."
Me: "Uhm... you've been standing here for like 3 months now. How about you go to Anvil or Skingrad and get a job?"

Even when you are a arch mage they say that to you, but on any rate you are still the newest addition for so far considerd ...

Guard: "What are you looking for?"
Me: "That one guy. Have you seen him?"

NPC: "What do you want?"
Me: "A shrubbery!"

NPC: "What can I do for you?"
Me: "Travel the length and breadth of Cyrodiil, close every Oblivion gate you come across and bring me all of the Sigil Stones you acquire. Oh, and get it done by Turdas. I'm in a hurry."

Bandit: "This is the part where you fall down and bleed to death!"
Me: "I think you have our roles reversed." *puts arrow through bandit's throat, bandit falls down and bleeds to death*

lols =)

Me: 'Here's your father's journal'
Agronak: 'Thank you! Interesting!'
Me: 'Oh yeah, by the way, I killed your father and made a potion out of his ashes....We cool?'

Holy **** my sides are hurting!

Lol, you and Monty Python are unstoppable, Vyper.

"What can I do for you?"
"You could take this amulet I got from the emperor. I don't really want it."
"I've heard others say the same."
"I'm sure. Please, just take it, ok?"
"Good day."
"No, please! ¤%"￡@! you!"
"You too."

Methredhel: You've got a point!
Me: :hubbahubba:

Bosmer NPC: "It...It's you! The Hero of Kvatch!"
Me: "You'd better not offer me a back rub." *draws Reaper (read the second paragraph of http://www.gamesas.com/index.php?/topic/1085040-weapon-names/page__view__findpost__p__15814745 for a description)*

Highwayman: "This is a holdup. Your money or your life."
Me: "How about I take your money and your life?"
Highwayman: "Actually, this one prefers it that way."
Me: :blink: "Ooookaaay." *kills highwayman, takes money* :shrug:

Bandit: "Jump on my sword while you still can!"
Me: "Well okay, but you'll have to stop swinging it around so I can."
Bandit: *stops swinging sword, waits for me to jump on it*
Me: *shoots conveniently stationary bandit in the eye with massively poisoned arrow, bandit dies screaming in agony*
Me: :meh:

Urbul Gro-Orkulg: "Stop talking!"
Me: "Why don't you... Stop living!?" *stab*

Owyn: "I heard a rumor that you're an idiot. Any truth to that?"
Me: "I just escaped from the Imperial Dungeon and the first thing I did was come here. All I have to fight with is this rusty Iron sword, a rusty bow and a handful of arrows. What do you think?"

Marauder: "By Ysmir's beard, we have a live one!"
Me: "By the hindquarters of Akatosh, this Nord is dead!" *kills Nord marauder*

Bandit: "Who's there?" *pause* "Must have been the wind."
Me: "Yep, that's what they call me." *kills bandit*

Marauder: "Who's there?"
Me: "Nobody here but us mudcrabs."
Marauder: "Damn rats. Always making me jumpy."
Me: :stare: "NEVER compare us mudcrabs to rats!" *kills insulting marauder* "Wait, why am I angry about that? I'm not a mudcrab." :shrug:

Baeralorn: "I'm Baeralorn. Anvil's castle mage. Perhaps you've heard of my work on magical resistances."
Me: "Magical resistances? I could use a bit of that when going after Necromancers. Tell me more."
Baeralorn: "Our gracious Countess funds my research. I ward tame rats with resistance spells, then shower them with elemental attacks."
Me: :blink: "I wouldn't tell Arvena Thelas about that if I were you."

Arvena Thelas: ”I'm Arvena Thelas. The call me the rat lady on account of all my pet rats.”
Me: "I can see why they would. Out of curiosity, do you know anything about Baeralorn's work with tame rats?"
Arvena Thelas: ”You can't imagine the fuss some people make. My rats are no problem for anyone.”
Me: "They certainly wouldn't be if Baeralorn got his hands on them." :whistling:

Khajiit NPC: "You are stupid, so I'll make myself clear... you are stupid. Go away. I don't want your blood and puke all over me."
Me: "Just because I have ADHD doesn't mean I'm- Oh, look! A mudcrab!"

Blade Trainer in Leyawiin: "If you need a blade, go see Tun-Zeeus at the Dividing Line. Does repairs, too. He does go on and on, sometimes. But he's the Genuine Orc in Leyawiin."
Me: "What do you mean 'the Genuine Orc'? He's an Argonian."