Funny replies you make to NPCs # 2 : IV - Oblivion

» Mon Jan 10, 2011 2:32 pm

"You are hardly a match for m--" *Dead*

"You move like a pregnant --" *Dead*

"It will be your blood here, not m--" *Dead*

"I've fought mudcrabs more fearsome than y--" *Dead*

"Come on, Fi--" *Dead*

"I will enjoy this!" *Dead. Guess he enjoys being killed.*

And finally, my favorite...

"I have waited a long time for you, Champion of Old Tamriel. You are the last gasp of a dying age. You breathe the stale air of false hope. How little you understand! You canno--" *Dead*

And I tend to do this one in morrowind a lot.

"Why walk when you can ride?" "Why talk when you can shut it?"

This is the best sequence of answers, not even letting the dude finish his 'threat'.

» Mon Jan 10, 2011 2:29 am

"Die animal sc..." Dead

» Mon Jan 10, 2011 9:57 am

Bandit: You move like a pregnant cow!
Me: *cuts off his legs* Well, you don't move at all.
Bandit: It's merely a flesh wound!
Me: Riiiiiight.

» Mon Jan 10, 2011 7:12 am

You know, this reminds me a lot of Monty Python's Dark Knight, threatening the 'cause' of King Arhtur.

Maybe Beth could include sth like this in the future? An actual Black Knight, standing ground with his Claymore, saying all sort of valiant things, etc... to protect a frigging bridge anyone could simply go around.

» Mon Jan 10, 2011 6:17 am

Glarthir- Psst over here
Me- Uh no (Starts running away)
Glarthir- Stop running I want to talk to you
Me- (Runs up to a guard) This wood elf is annoying me and he insulted the emperor
Guard- What, he did what, by Talos that Bosmer dies

Emperor Uriel Septim- By the Grace of the Gods I serve you as your emperor
Me- Shut it geezer where's my BirthSign and Amulet
Emperor Uriel Septim- Number 1 we have an intruder on the ship

Valen Dreth- I'm getting out and you'll still be in here uhh (Gets shot by arrow)
Me- You can never have enough arrows

Owyn- You want you want to be a combatent ha ha look at you my granny could beat you and she's dead.
Me- I guess your Granny svcked if she's dead

» Mon Jan 10, 2011 10:46 am

Owyn- You want you want to be a combatent ha ha look at you my granny could beat you and she's dead.
Me- I guess your Granny svcked if she's dead

Ha ha so true!

» Mon Jan 10, 2011 4:00 pm

Shady sam. "Psst. Hey, you! Yeah, you! Come here! I got what you need...".

Anna "git your dirty wee mits offer me tail", followed by a kick to the groin.

» Mon Jan 10, 2011 8:58 am

Luci Pheria enters the Mage's Guild wearing a Necromancer's Robe. She talks to one of the guild members, trying to see what spell she can buy next.

Angalmo: "Are you out of your mind? Take that robe off at once!"

Me: "Join us! Come to the dark side!!!"

...not very creative tonite. I have more epic speeches than this sometimes!

» Mon Jan 10, 2011 6:19 pm

Glarthir- Psst over here
Me- Uh no (Starts running away)
Glarthir- Stop running I want to talk to you
Me- (Runs up to a guard) This wood elf is annoying me and he insulted the emperor
Guard- What, he did what, by Talos that Bosmer dies

Emperor Uriel Septim- By the Grace of the Gods I serve you as your emperor
Me- Shut it geezer where's my BirthSign and Amulet
Emperor Uriel Septim- Number 1 we have an intruder on the ship

:clap: :rofl:

» Mon Jan 10, 2011 2:20 pm

Glad you like them!

Here are some more...

Jauffre: "The hoards of Oblivion are infinite. The guards of Bruma are not."
Me: "Yes they are. Here, watch this." *kills every guard in Bruma, waits three days*
Me: "See? More guards!"

Imperial City Guard: "If you run into trouble, come find me."
Me: *runs into bandit trouble in the wilderness, runs to IC with bandit in pursuit the whole way, finds guard, guard attacks bandit, bandit kills guard, I kill bandit*
Me, looking down at guard: *rolls eyes* "Yeah, you were really helpful. Next time, I'll handle things myself." *shakes head, loots bandit and guard corpses, walks away*

Bosmer NPC introducing herself: "Huurwen of the Fighters Guild. Health and fortune."
Me: "Drehdwyn of the Dark brotherhood. Death and destruction." *kills Huurwen*

wonderful!

» Mon Jan 10, 2011 9:02 am

Two bandits talking to each other in a dungeon, arrow flies out of the darkness and sends one bandit flying across the room.
Bandit: Must have been the wind.
Me: ...

Oh Lord - I'm sorry I dont know how to quote several comments from different ppl... this is just too god!

» Mon Jan 10, 2011 6:03 am

Shopkeeper: Can I interest you in some of my fine wares?
Me: I doubt it. *sells a crap-load of Glass and Daedric armour*

» Mon Jan 10, 2011 5:21 pm

Here's Jauffree's speech to the blades and my responses in yellow.

Jauffree: Blades! Dark times are upon us!
Me: *looks around* It's a perfectly beautiful, sunny day, Jauffree!
Jauffree: The Emperor and his sons were slained on our watch...the Empire is in chaos!
Me: Chaos, old man? I don't see rioting in the streets, people killing each other for food or anything like that. Everyone's living their lives quite peacefully and discussing mudcrabs.
Jauffree: But there is yet hope! Here is Martin Septim, true son of Uriel Septim!
Me: Who is totally the son of the Emperor and a servant woman!
Blades: Hail Dragonborn! Hail Martin Septim! Hail!
Me: HEIL MARTIN! *salutes* Oh wait, wrong game...
Jauffree: Martin, the Blades are at your command, you will be safe here until you can take up your throne.
Me: What's wrong with a coup?
Martin: Jauffree...all of you...I know you expect me to be Emperor, I'll do my best, but this is all new to me.
Me: *mimics him* -After all, I have the blood of a poor, inbred servant woman, so I'm not 100% pureblood Septim.
Martin: I'm not used to giving speeches, but I-I wanted you to know that I cherish your welcome. I hope I prove myself loyalty of your service in the coming days. That's it, thank you.
Me: Lamest. Speech. Ever! BOOOOOOO!!!!!
Jauffree: Well then, thank you, Martin. We'd all best get back to our duties, eh captain?

...

I ought to go to the fanfic fourms and do somethng like this.

» Mon Jan 10, 2011 1:15 pm

Shopkeeper: "I have the finest goods, and lowest prices in all Tamriel"

Me: "Yea yea that's what you all say" :angry:

» Mon Jan 10, 2011 5:43 am

Depending on the character, I'll often cut off the NPC before they can finish what they're saying because after awhile they tend to repeat themselves.

Walks up to Innkeeper, chooses "Bed".

Innkeep: "Why yes...I do have a lovely room for a mere..."

"40 gold a nite, yes I know your prices haven't changed in ages"

*chooses "I'll take it".

Inkeep: "Excellent! The room is up the stairs and..."

"down the hall." Look, we've met and I've stayed here several times now. "I am DYAN PHOR aCAUZ!, Gaurdian of the Fighter's Guild, and Paladin, in search of the Crusader's Relics!"

That last line is usually delivered in an over-the-top voice like something out of Spartacus. The Innkeeper is usually stunned and can't muster any more of a response than "Take care."

» Mon Jan 10, 2011 3:06 pm

Lucian Lachance- Dear child I do not spread rumors I create them
Me- Ok so that means that you stole the Painting from the countess of Chorrol
Lucian Lachance- No child I didn't (Cuts him off in midtalk)
Me- That also means that you were responsible for the death of the emperor, his 3 sons, and a random male bosmer
Lucian Lachance- That does it, Night Mother come claim your next victim

» Mon Jan 10, 2011 3:21 am

Bandit: "I'm just warming up you pathetic worm."
Me: "Well then you need to chill out" *Casts frost spell and kills bandit*

» Mon Jan 10, 2011 7:28 am

NPC: Jump on my sword why you still can.
ME: You're using a bow, genius.

NPC: I've fought mudcrabs more fierce than you.
ME: I don't doubt it. Those little guys are persistent.

NPC: Am I supposed to be impressed?
ME: No, you're supposed to die.

» Mon Jan 10, 2011 6:06 am

5 bandits: ..... Multipule variations at once.

Fall from Grace in her posh matronly voice: I think you'll find you're only hurting yourselves, casts absorb health and command spells.

Bandits: huuuurghhh.

Fall from Grace: I do wish things were not so messy.

» Mon Jan 10, 2011 7:32 pm

NPC: "Speak."
Me: "Woof"

:rofl: I actually laughed out loud on that one.

» Mon Jan 10, 2011 9:44 am

Bolwig- Rany roo rany roo
Me- English
Bolwig- Rany roo rany roo
Me- English
Bolwig- Fribble just Fribble
Me- Seriously do you understand anything I'm saying speak English
Bolwig- Gal Burstin it
Me- Whatever

Lord Rugdumph- Good sire I foresaw and needs your helping
Me- What do you need sir
Lord Rugdumph- My daughter has been forsaken
Me- You mean kidnapped
Lord Rugdumph- Nah she's beens forsaken my suspension is that ogres have objected her
Me- you want me to kill the ogres and rescue your daughter why didn't you say so in the 1st place
Lord Rugdumph- Yous never give chanceing to explains

Me- Hey Maglir lets go to the cave
Maglir- Pay day lets roll
Me- As you command Maglir (Kicks him off the bridge)
Maglir- I want my mommy wahhhhhhh

» Mon Jan 10, 2011 1:43 pm

Vampire: I need your blood.
Me: I'm using it at the moment.

Bandit: Don't feel bad--no one lives forever.

[thump]

Me: True dat.

» Mon Jan 10, 2011 10:06 am

NPC: "I used to think you were a hero. A holy knight and all that. I guess I should have known better."
Me: "May an unclean horse have an 'accident' on your clothing."

NPC: "I used to admire you. But it turns out you're just a sinner like all the rest of us."
Me: "May a weird priest give you a vasectomy with a mudcrab."

Bandit: "Jump on my sword while you still can."
Me: "Jump on your own sword. It'll be quicker and less painful than what I have in store for you."

NPC: "Do you believe any of that talk about Oblivion gates opening everywhere?"
Me: "Those aren't gates to Oblivion, they're portals to the home of the Adoring Fan. Avoid them at all costs!" :bolt:

» Mon Jan 10, 2011 7:15 pm

Emporer: Find Him and close shut the Gates of Oblivion!
Me: (a few responses)

Hmm... How about... NO!
Sorry, Oblivion rules...
Gates of Oblivion... now I know you're senile
You king-types, always wanting to find things, Martin, a holy grail, what's next? Find the pink unicorn, and save all of mankind?!?!
Right, I'm gonna work for a guy who threw me in prison... makes perfect sense.
You seem like a nice guy, sure, but I already have a full week.
Find him??? Couldn't you have thought to ask someone OTHER THAN A PRISONER??? You know, Baurus over there, I don't think he'll be too busy since you're going to die, I'm sure he'll figure it out.
Why couldn't it have been Valen Dreth?

Sorry... I'm a bit brain dead at the mo'

» Mon Jan 10, 2011 7:50 pm

Emperor: "You are the one from my dreams."
Me: "... :sad:

"