You're only a foot tall? :blink: I thought you might be around 5'3". Go see Big Head in SI, he might be able to Tall the Short.

Baurus: *Kneels down next to the Emperor* No... Talos save us...
Me: *Standing there with a bloody dagger*
Emperor's corpse: *Lying on the floor in a pool of blood with a stab wound*
Me: Okay, I know what this looks like but...

Bandit: You move like a pregnant cow!
Me: That reminds me, I need to pay your wife for those acrobatics lessons.

LOL! :lmao:
Good followthrough on a feedline!

Guard: Another day, another Septim.
Me: Not for much longer.

Guard: Another day, another Septim.
Me: Is there a revolving door for Septim Emperors?

Guard: Another day, another Septim.
Me: Just how many Septim Emperors and heirs are there?

Khajiit attempting to fight my PC: This one is no more!
I fire a custom spell, "Shock to the Soul" at the Khajiit and collect the Khajiit's soul in a Black Soul gem.
Me: Yes, you are no more.

custom made CS spell "Shock to the Soul"
Soul trap, on target, 1 foot, 3 sec.
Weakness to shock, on target, 1 foot, 1 sec, 100 points.
Shock damage, on target, 1 foot, 1 sec, 100 points.

edit:
Emperor Picard: I've served the Nine all my days.
Me: Who have you served all your nights?

second edit:
First encounter with the Annoying Fan after becoming the Madgod:
AF: By Azura, by Azura, by Azura!
I bring Wabbajack down sharply on AF's head
Me: WRONG! It's "By Sheogorath!"

Jenifur Charne

Ah-Malz on goblins in the Skingrad area:
AM: They're thick here in Colovia.
Me: Ah, so the goblins around here are stupider than in other parts of Cyrodiil then. That's good to know.

Jenifur Charne

(Whenever I'm shooting lightening at anyone)
"If you will not be turned, you will be DESTROYED!"
"And now...young Skywalker...you will die!"
"POWER! UNLIMITED POWER!!"
"You wil pay for your lack of vision!"
"No! No...no...no...YOU WILL DIIIEEE!!!"
"I've waited a long time for this moment, my little Imperial friend..."'

(Whenever I use an unlock spell)
"Here, let me use my sonic screwdriver to unlock this. There we go."

(Whenever I'm forced to be transported with someone else)
"I guess they have a TARDIS."

"TARDIS"?

TARDIS-Time And Relative Dimension In Space. The TARDIS is the vehicle that Doctor Who uses to travel through time and space. With it, he can go to any point in space at any point in time. In fact, the good Doctor has met himself on several occasions.

Back on topic:

Bandit: "Jump on my sword while you still can!"
Me: "How about I put an arrow through your 'sword' instead?" *shoots bandit in 'sword' *
Bandit: "Aarg!" *dies*

NPC: "They say that when you murder someone, the Dark Brotherhood visits you in your sleep. It's how they recruit new members."
Me: "That gives me an idea..." *kills informative NPC, goes to sleep, gets visited by scary man who does not spread rumors, but does create them*

'Doctor Who' ?

:blink: You've never heard of http://tardis.wikia.com/wiki/Doctor_Who The renegade Timelord from Gallifrey? The (eponymous) lead character in the longest running Sci-Fi series of all time? Wow. :facepalm: You've missed out on a real treasure.

On topic:

Guard: "What are you looking for?"
Me: "The home of Nautius Maximus and Incontinentia Buttox. Know where I can find it?"

NPC: "What can I do for you?"
Me: "Can you tell me where I can find the Castle of Aaarrrggghhh?"

NPC: "Do you believe any of that talk about Oblivion Gates opening all over the place?"
Me: "Believe it? Honey, I've been closing those things left and right all week. I don't see what everyone's so afraid of. I mean, look at me. I've closed 17 of those gates so far and I don't have a scratch. But, if you'd seen me an hour ago..."

I met a robed Khajiit down south the other day. We had quite an interesting conversation -- it went something like this:

"Hey, cat. I've been looking for some calipers. Haven't seen any, have you?"
"M'aiq knows much, tells some. M'aiq knows many things others do not."
"Ooooh... kay. Thanks -- that's incredibly helpful of you."

"M'aiq longs for a Colovian Fur Helm. Practical, yet stylish. M'aiq is very sad he does not have one."
"You know what I think would be stylish? A homemade Khajiit helmet.... wait a second -- you're a kahjiit! Come here!"

"M'aiq wishes he had a stick made out of fishies to give to you. Sadly, he does not."
"You ate it, didn't you?"

"M'aiq believes the children are our future. But he doesn't want them ruining all of our fun."
"Where they all at, anyway? You didn't eat them too, did you?"

"M'aiq thinks his people are beautiful. The Argonian people are beautiful as well. They look better than ever before."
"Well, you're entitled to your opinion. I think you're butt ugly, but that's just me"

"Some people wish to throw their weapons. That seems foolish to M'aiq. If you hold your weapon, you only need one."
"Hmmm, true -- but some people like their foes to be dead at a stone throw's distance, not where they have a chance to hurt them.... plus the blood they splatter on my face is damn hard to wash off some times"

"Some people want special bows that take too long to load and need special arrows called bolts. M'aiq thinks they are idiots."
"If you'd ever seen what one of those 'bolts' can do to an armored dude, you'd want one too."

"Feet are for walking. Hands are for hitting. Or shaking. Or waving. Sometimes for clapping."
"Lucky you -- had it been any different, my foot would be well up your ass right now."

"M'aiq prefers to adventure alone. Others just get in the way. And they talk, talk, talk."
"Much like you, then. Anyway, it's not the talking that's annoying -- it's their l33t spelling."

"People always enjoy a good fable. M'aiq has yet to find one, though. Perhaps one day."
"At least they're better than those stories about Two Worlds...."

"So much easier to get around these days. Not like the old days. Too much walking. Of course, nothing stops M'aiq from walking when he wants."
"Except for those invisible walls up near Border Watch, right?... What's that all about?"

"M'aiq is glad he has a compass. Makes it easy to find things. Much better than wandering around like a fool."
"You forget that it's only the fools that need the compass in the first place though."

"Why would one want to swing a staff? A mace hurts more. Or a sword. Can't shoot a fireball from a sword, though."
"Duh, that's what you've got your hands for, remember?"

"I do not wish to fight on horseback. It is a good way to ruin a perfectly good horse... which is, to say, a perfectly good dinner."
"If you so much as glance at Shadowmere, your face and my fist are gonna get very intimate."

"Levitation is for fools. Why would we want to levitate? Once you are up high, there is nowhere to go but down."
"The view's nice, though."

"It is good the people wear clothing. M'aiq wears clothing. Who would want to see M'aiq naked? Sick, sick people. Very sad."
"Agghhhh... Rule 34, man.... Rule 34!"

"I don't know why one would want to destroy a building. It takes time to make it. Much time."
"You've obviously never been allowed to rule SimCity... I was. Let's just say it is no more and leave it at that."

"I have seen dragons. Perhaps you will see a dragon. I won't say where I saw one. Perhaps I did not."
"I can guess. Down at the skooma den, right?"

"Werewolves? Where? Wolves? Men that are wolves? Many wolves. Everywhere. Many men. That is enough for M'aiq."
"Nah, the wolves are pretty much extinct now that I've been wandering Cyrodiil for two months. Men too, now that I come to think of it. Might do cats next if you don't watch it."

"M'aiq wishes you well."
"Yeah, you too. Let me know if you find any calipers. See you around."

M'aiq: Why would one want to swing a staff?
Me: Because the staff is enchanted with an on touch spell.

M'aiq: Why would one want to swing a staff?
Me: To get the attention of a prospective target without one-hit-killing it.

M'aiq: M'aiq wishes he had a stick made out of fishies to give to you. Sadly, he does not.
Me: What's its alchemy effects? Is it actually worth trying to find one?

M'aiq: I don't know why one would want to destroy a building.
Me: You've obviously never heard of the concepts of redeveopment and urban renewal, then.

M'aiq: Levitation is for fools. Why would we want to levitate?
Me: Because you can't safely jump high enough to reach all height inaccessible places.

M'aiq: Hands are for hitting. Or shaking. Or waving. Sometimes for clapping.
Me: Missed one. Launching spells.

edit: fix formatting error

Jenifur Charne

Black Horse Courier offices, Hassiri: News happens? The Black Horse Courier is there!
Me: So you cause the events to be able to report on the events then?

Jenifur Charne

In Speechcraft attempt:

NPC: "What a dumb joke."
Me: "You're a dumb joke."

Shopkeeper: Ive got the lowest/best pricess in all of Cyrodiil.
Me: Not this again... :facepalm:
sry if this one has already bin told here, I havent read all of them yet ^^

Shopkeeper:Ive got the lowest/best pricess in all of Cyrodiil.
Me: Wait a minute! Youre saying you have the best pricess but you only want to give me 2000 septims for this enchanted sword wich is obviuosly worth over 5000 septims!?
Shopkeeper: Eerrr...
Me: Also I find one other thing strange I can sell you five of theese swords for 10000 septims but you still cant afford give me 5000 for one of the swords...??? Whats up with that!?

Mythic Dawn Agent- Paradise awaits me
Me- The only Paradise you'll get will be the end of my blade.

Varel Morvayn- Varel Morvayn I've been hear 30 years and I'll be here another 10 years
Me- I guess that explains the grey hair old man
Varel Morvayn- My protege Emiroth will take over god willing after I passed on
Me- Not if I tell Heinrich Oaken-Hall about what he did to his wife

Fathis Aren- Far be it from me to criticize my good count
Me- But you want to really bad I can see it in your eyes
Fathis Aren- The counts son is a skooma svcker and it just sickens me
Me- There you go you need to do it more often oh and I'll need your special arrow later on

Adoring Fan- By Azura, By Azura, By Azura, its the grand champion.
Me- Yeah up your too Shorty

Trenus Duronius- woah woah you startled me I was in my happy place
Me- I could take you back to your happy place
Trenus Duronius- Really
Me No

I literally burst out in a fit of hysterics when I read this, mostly because I read it in his voice.

Lucian Lachance "So, the deed is done. And how do I know this?"
Me "I don't know Lachance, maybe because I'm sleeping next his body, on the bed I just murdered him in?"

Bandit: "Do your worst!"
Me: Wait, does that mean you want me to fight badly or to hurt you as badly as possible?

Mazoga: I'm gonna go get me some Black Bows. Tag along if you like.
Me: Maybe later. I'm off to get some potato bread from S'jirra.
Mazoga: I'm gonna go get me some Black Bows. Tag along if you like.
Me: No, really, I've got some other things to do.
Mazoga: I'm gonna go get me some Black Bows. Tag along if you like.
Me: Mazoga! Didn't you hear me! I'm busy!
Mazoga: I'm gonna go get me some Black Bows. Tag along if you like.
Me: Aieeeeee! [Runs out the White Stallion Lodge screaming.]

lol, epic.
To be honest, I have always wondered about the "You move like a pregnent cow" comment from enemies I fight. I mean, of all the things to say, I just wonder why that comes up. TBH, I wish they had a better list of insualts for combat. xD

RINDIR-"You're in Rindir's Staffs. And I'm Rindir. We sell magical staffs, imagine that."
ME-"Really? I would nver have guessed..."


ADORING FAN-"By Azura, By Azura, By Azura! It's the Garnd Champion! I can't believe it's you! Standing here, next to me!"
ME-"That's kinda cute."

ADORING FAN-"By Azura, By Azura, By Azura! It's the Garnd Champion! I can't believe it's you! Standing here, next to me!"
ME-"Yeah....you said...."

ADORING FAN-"By Azura, By Azura, By Azura! It's the Garnd Champion! I can't believe it's you! Standing here, next to me!"
ME-"I heard you there first 1200 times..."

ADORING FAN-"By Azura, By Azura, By Azura! It's the Garnd Champion! I can't believe it's you! Standing here, next to me!"
ME-"SHUT UP YOU IDIOTIC YELLOW HAIRED NUTCASE!"

My mother-"Stop yelling at the TV!"

Guard: "What is it, citizen?"
Me: "Well, I was kind of hoping you could tell me."

Guard 1: "I saw a mudcrab the other day. I steered clear of it."
Me: :blink: "You'll charge headlong into battle with two or more Marauders wearing full Daedric armor, but you run from mudcrabs? You're weird."
Guard 2: "Disgusting creatures."
Me: "Wait, you run from them because they're butt-ugly? Seriously? Wow. You Legion types..." *shakes head and walks away*

Bandit: You move like a pregnant cow!
Me: :huh: What's a cow?

Rindir: You're in Rindir's Staffs. And I'm Rindir. We sell magical staffs, imagine that.
Me: It's staves, you imbecile! Staves! S-T-A-V-E-S!

Me to wolf that tried to annoy her: Nice doggy... good doggy... DEAD doggy!

Jenifur Charne

Ongar at the Tap and Tack, late one evening: "You′re a sneaky looking sort"
Me: "You know I am b*tch, have been Thieves Guild for four years now" :shakehead: