I think Buffy made a fairly clever and graceful reply to a guard during an awkward situation that occurred in Anvil. The guards' initial dialogue is lifted straight from the game, and Buffy, of course, is a Bosmer. Snip from Chapter 15 of her Journal:

* * *
One morning after Carahil's meeting, I was on my way out to the stables to check on Superian. I paused as I approached the massive twin wooden doors that protected the city. A pair of men's voices could be heard coming from just outside the gate.

"The shipmaster, Heinrich Oaken-Hull, has a wood elf for a wife. I'd rather sleep with my horse."

The other voice snorted and responded, "Heinrich is married to a Bosmer? I suppose the women are less annoying than the men."

I tugged one of the heavy wooden doors open enough to emerge on the other side. A flash of color sprang to the young Imperial faces of the two guards. "Ahem," said one, his tone now all business, "I stand relieved then. Have a quiet watch, Audeius."

The other guard responded, "Thanks. Get some rest. Perhaps the cook still has some biscuits and boar sausage left in the guard house." His face still somewhat reddened, he then looked down at me and spoke, "Hail, citizen. Where are you bound this morning?"

"Well, Audeius," I placed my hands behind my back and leaned forward coyly, "I wouldn't want to annoy you or anything, but I thought I would stop by the stables." Managing to suppress a giggle, I then wheeled off towards the corral, tossing words over my shoulder. "I want to make sure no one was trying to sleep with my mare last night."

* * *

lol, epic. I love this!

Random NPC- I use to think your a hero now your just like the rest of them
Me- Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out

Random NPC- I use to think your a hero now your just like the rest of them
Me- Whats wrong with making a profit

Francois Motierre- Oh you startled me you must be the assassin
Me- What you've never seen an Orc before

Me, in Sneak, with a CE 100 percent invisibility and 100 percent chameleon ring uses a shatter weapons spell on a Marauder:
Marauder at Sercen: Hmmph. Whatever it was it's gone now.
Me: Wrong. WHOever it is, is still here now.
Staying hidden, I fire Arrows of Curses using the Bow of Flames and terminate her.

Jenifur Charne

Gaius Prentus- Here comes another one
Belmyne Dreleth-It's not right! Madness! Why? Why? Everything is wrong! It can't be done! Stay away from me! I won't go back! You can't make me go back! I'll kill you all! You're all going to die.
Me- Really next your going to tell me that Khajiits like to lick their butt.
Gaius Prentus- Stay back this one's violent
Me- He still didn't answer my question

After Gaius kills Belmyne
Gaius- I don't understand whats wrong with this gate
Me- Well its because you never allowed him to answer my question.

Sheogorath- Unworthy, Unworthy
Me- whoa Talos what the hell was that.
Sheogorath- Ack a shame he's dead well these things happen
Me- Seriously why won't anybody answer my question do Khajitts like to lick their butt
Sheogorath- No you Idiot KHAJITT'S DON'T LICK THEIR BUTT! Clowns on the other hand do lick their butt or was it Clouds I can't remember
Me- How do clouds lick there butt
Sheogorath- Don't interupt me or I'll cut out your intestines and skip rope with them
Me- Well I guess that answers my question

Me to wolf that tried to annoy her: Rover! JUMP!
I fire the Hilarity spell Failed Levitate at the wolf.
Me to wolf, after wolf crash lands and dies: Good dog.

Jenifur Charne

Bandit: You move like a pregnant cow?
Me: Really? Well, that's not what your mom thought.
Bandit: Aieeeeee!!!
[I kill bandit]

[Second bandit runs up a moment later]
Bandit 2: Jump on my sword!
Me: That's what I said to your mom . . . last night.

I felt very good that day, getting two "your-mom" jokes in only a couple minutes.

Uriel Septim: Perhaps the Gods have placed you here so that we may meet. As for what you have done... it does not matter. That is not what you will be remembered for.
Me: Good, I want to be remembered for my peanut butter stickies.

Else God-Hater: I'm Else God-Hater. Yes. I hate the gods. All gods. They can all bite my garters. And if you don't like it, YOU can bite my garters, too.
Me: No thanks; I just had lunch.

Bandit: I'll have your head, you filthy Nord.
Me: Do we have to bring race into this?

Bandit says, "Ive fought mudcrabs harder then you."

I think to myself good lord those must be some bad :spotted owl: mudcrabs, where are they at id like to check them out?


^^ prolly been said but still.
Some one should make a mod with an island of god like mudcrabs, that be funny.

Malene: However, I do know that after she arrived, the woods at night became unsafe. I've seen undead of all types walking in the dark woods near the cave entrance. Now, this area's getting a bad reputation and my business has waned.

Me: Lady, you have the busiest inn in all of Cyrodiil. I've never seen so many NPCs crammed into an inn. Maybe you should give Raelynn the Gravefinder a kickback.

Bandit: Jump on my sword why don't you.
Me: Well, for one thing you're carrying a bow and a mace.

Guard: Citizen you have my ear.
Me No, but I have this finger. Where is the Guard Captain's Office?

Dark Seducer: "How may I serve?"
Me: [The content of this message may be unsuitable for minors]

Imperial Guard, repeat dying from being reverse pickpocketed with Poisoned Apple:
Guard: Citizen you have my ear.
Me: No I don't. I have your life, AGAIN! MuaHaHa!

Jenifur Charne

On that why my character a Argonian Assassin joined the Dark Brotherhood well meeting up with Ocheeva 'I am the mistress of this guild' ... My character 'Oh yes I am in the need of a Mistress like you...'

I assure you it was equally fun to read :twirl:

Mage Apprentice in the Arcane University Mage's Quarters, after I'd reverse pickpocketed a Poisoned Apple on her and allowed myself to be seen trespassing.
Mage Apprentice, while her health is fast approaching 0: It's time for you to leave my friend.
Me: It's time for you to die my fool.

Jenifur Charne

Generic Watch Captain replacing Audens Avidius, talking to Guard in Market District:
Captain: If the Captain catches us gabbin' it'll be our heads.
Me: No. If the Captain caught you gabbin' it'd merely be forced retirement. Things are worse. I caught you gabbin' and for that, you die.
I draw my sword enchanted with soul trap; paralyze; and shock damage, and proceed to slice and dice the pair.

Jenifur Charne

Valen Dreth: You're going to DIE in here breton, you're going to DIE!
Me: You keep saying that...

Honditar: Honditar's the name.
Me: SPEED'S MY GAME.

Anyone get the reference in the second quote?

No, pls enlighten us.

I bet Honditar told you that you were too slow.

* * *
Finally, Daenlin broke the silence. "Did you ever run into that Altmer in Chorrol I told you about? Goes by the name of Honditar?"

"Yes," I replied, grateful for my host's assistance in moving to a lighter subject, "you were right about him. He walked up to me and said he was a mountain man. Then he told me to poison my arrows to kill deer - it wouldn't hurt the meat. Well, I just couldn't help myself. I told him if he needed poison to kill a deer, he should give up hunting and try farming." The old Bosmer's ploy to cheer me up had worked. Music from our combined laughter filled the Archer's Paradox.

* * *

sonic the hedgehog

Necromancer in Howling Cave when I failed a pickpocket:
Necromancer: What! She was here a second ago!
Me: I still am here.
Necromancer gets a free fatal taste of my new toy. A Replica Glass Dagger enchanted with nasty doses of weakness to fire and fire damage.

edit: fix formatting

Jenifur Charne

Since the replica weapons have a health of 1, I found they break (and become unusable) after each use, causing you to have to repair it (out of combat) before using it again? That sounds like a terrifically clever self-imposed limitation to boost the challenge. Use it as a last resort one strike survival weapon (where basically all the damage is carried by enchantment/poison) for a mage who almost never resorts to melee? :foodndrink:

I tried using one once as a training weapon, but it was the break after one hit thing that caused me to reject that in favor of a rusty dagger. That is a clever idea you have though!

Never heard of Replica weapons, thats new to me.

1 pt of health???