Merchant: "Would you like to buy some of my goods?"
Me: "Would you like to keep your spleen?

"I've heard that when you kill someone, the Dark Brotherhood will come to you in your sleep. It's how they recruit new members."

"I know"

Okay, time for some more...

NPC: *walks up to me* "This is a wondrous encounter!"
Me: "Wow. That's some ego you've got."

NPC: "I'm so happy to see you I could burst!"
Me: "Please don't. It takes forever to clean blood and guts out of my armor and I just got it cleaned."

NPC: "How can I help you?"
Me: :hubbahubba:

Golden Saint: "Speak quickly, mortal."
Me: "IjustreactivatedXedelianandIneedtoreporttoSheogorathdoyouknowwhereheis?"

NPC: "The prey approaches."
Me: "And becomes the predator." *kills NPC*

lol good one

I just had one happen that happens to me every time. I only sometimes actually say it out loud, but it always runs through my head.

When you're walking to Odiil farm with the brothers, Rallus says, "We'll spill their blood... in the name of our father!"

And every single time I hear that, I hear Loretta (Eric Idle) in Monty Python's Life of Brian saying, "...and of our father's father! And of our father's father's father! And of our father's father's father's father!"

Bandit: Jump on my sword while you still can!
Me: But you are carrying an axe...

???: [groans...]
Me: [censored] *runs*

???: [squeak!]
Me: :facepalm:/free food! (if playing a khajiit)

NPC: "You shouldn't be here!"
Me: "Well, duh! That's why I'm sneaking. How did you manage to find me, anyway?"

NPC: *angry tone* "What do you want?"
Me: "Nothing you've got, you blasted N'Wah!"

NPC: "Speak."
Me: "Woof"

I heard the dark brotherhood comes to you in your sleep if you muder someone!
Really? Let's find Out!

"Did you hear, they drove out the daedra at Kvatch! Do you know what this means? We can beat the bastards!"
"No... I can beat the bastards!

NPC: Huzzah! (guess who!)
Me: *blasts with spell, knocking him out* Huzzah.

NPC: I'm so happy to see you, I could burst!
Me: *casts combustive convalescence* Indeed.

NPC: We have the finest prices in all tamriel!
Me: ...Must resist...Urge to...Kill...

NPC: By Azura, by Azura, by Azura, it's the Grand Champion! I can't believe it's you! Standing here, next to me...
Me: While I do admire your haircut *blasts with spell* I'm afraid I really had to kill you.

Guard: Stop! You violated the law!
Me: I also violated your mother last night.

Adoring Fan: "By Azure! By Azura! By Azure! It's the Grand Champion!"
Me: "Follow your Grand Champion."
*takes him into a certain well in Cheydinhal, casts long lasting Paralyze touch spell, watches as he drowns*
Me: :whistling:

Alval Uvani: "You get any closer and I'll turn your bones to ash. Back off."
Me: *walks away, poisons arrow with Blood of Sithis (does around 900 damage over 30 seconds), shoots from distance, watches Alval die slowly in excruciating pain*

Bolwing: "Gorble. Can't you hear them gorbling?"
Me: "Oh, is that what that is? And here I thought they were bandersnatching the jabberwoki."

Bolwing: "I've got a Quintat that says they can ipanate."
Me: "A quintat? That's to rich for my blood, I'm out. Wait...what's a quintat?"

I like yelling at the bow-slingers during combat as we're shooting arrows at one another

Bandit Bowman: "IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO?"

Me: "No, THIS is!"

Works especially well if I actually hit them after I make this boast, of course. :rolleyes:

Nord NPC: "Head on."

Me: "Would you like me to take my sword and apply it directly to your forehead?"

This is a recent snip from Buffy's Journal. She is, of course, a Bosmer.

* * *
One morning after Carahil's meeting, I was on my way out to the stables to check on Superian. I paused as I approached the massive twin wooden doors that protected the city of Anvil. A pair of men's voices could be heard coming from just outside the gate.

"The shipmaster, Heinrich Oaken-Hull, has a wood elf for a wife. I'd rather sleep with my horse."

The other voice snorted and responded, "Heinrich is married to a Bosmer? I suppose the women are less annoying than the men."

I tugged one of the heavy wooden doors open enough to emerge on the other side. A flash of color sprang to the young Imperial faces of the two guards. "Ahem," said one, his tone now all business, "I stand relieved then. Have a quiet watch, Audeius."

The other guard responded, "Thanks. Get some rest. Perhaps the cook still has some biscuits and boar sausage left in the guard house." His face still somewhat reddened, he then looked down at me and spoke, "Hail, citizen. Where are you bound this morning?"

"Well, Audeius," I placed my hands behind my back and leaned forward coyly, "I wouldn't want to annoy you or anything, but I thought I would stop by the stables." Managing to suppress a giggle, I then wheeled off towards the corral, tossing words over my shoulder. "I want to make sure no one was trying to sleep with my mare last night."

* * *

Very nice.

Here are some more of mine:

Guard1: *walks up to Guard2* "You're off duty now."
Guard2: "Good. My feet are killing me."
Guard1: "Bye." *walks away without relieving Guard2*
Guard2: *continues guard duty, even though he is supposedly off duty now*
Me: :huh:

Bandit1: "Have you heard any news about the other provinces?"
Bandit2: "Nothing I'd like to ta--URG!" *death by arrow in the neck*
Bandit1: *looks at dead bandit* "It must have been the wind."
Me: :facepalm: "Yeah, the wind blew a Daedric arrow right through you friend's neck. Oh look! It happened to you, too. Gotta watch out for that wind."


:rofl: That is pure Buffy, alright! I particularly like the way she said "trying to sleep with my mare". It implies she was actually worried about Superian...umm...making a bit of a mess out of whoever tried it.

Pirate: "O Sweet Ladies of Wayrest-"
Me: "I thought pirates had a multitude of song..."

NPC: "Look at the muscles on you!"
Me: "I know, but have you noticed yours are just as big and you're a weakling?"

NPC: "Jump on my sword!"
Me: "I'd Love to, but my acrobatics isn't high enough, and I can't jump that high."

I like oddball bad-joke cliche characters...which is to say, it's happened to me.

First thought through my mind:

"Yep, great for swinging this warhammer. And given your height- FORE!"


And then I had to do a particular Fighter's Guild quest...

Newheim the Portly: "...bunch of Bosmer, if you can believe it. No offense to your friend there."

Me: "No worries, Maglir's too stupid to be offended. I, on the other hand..." *while drawing warhammer*

What can I say...short-man syndrome. :hehe:

Mazken : How may I serve?

[I can't awnser that in a PG 13 forum]

Caranya : You, I'm afraid, won't be standing at all. I promise I'll make this quick. I'd like to have you mostly intact, so Mannimarco can svck the marrow from your bones

[I didn't have the chance to say anything, the Hunger I positioned behind her killed her in one whack. I laughed though]

Shopkeeper: "It's a pleasure to serve you."
Me: "It's a pleasure to service you."

Random: "You smell of death. What have you been conjuring?"
Me: "Nothing, Falanu just likes me better when I pretend I'm dead."

Guard: "Stop! You've violated the law!"
Me: "That isn't the only thing I'm going to violate."

Alval Uvani: "You get any closer and I'll turn your bones to ash. Back off."
Me: " :mellow: "
(I didn't so much respond to that as follow him along the road, wait for the opportune moment, and leapt out of the bushes in all my Deadly Reflex glory and decapitate him in slow motion.)

Adoring Fan: "By Azura by Azura by Azura! It's the Grand Champion!"
Me: "Are you by any chance related to the guy who takes Arena bets? You have the same haircut."

Random: "I've fought mudcrabs more fearsome than you!"
Me: "Where at? I wanna kill them."

Random: "Jump on my sword while you still can!"
Me: "... Yeah."

Dar-Ma: "My Hero!"
Me: "Want to come back to my place?"

Random: "I'm not listening to you, because I don't like you."
Me: "But your disposition is 100!"

Merchant: "Want to browse my goods?"
Me: :hubbahubba:

Bandit: "Showing your face was the last mistake you'll ever make!"
Me: "Umm...I haven't shown my face. I'm wearing a mask."

M'aiq the Liar: "M'aiq knows much, tells some. M'aiq knows many things others do not."
Me: "Does M'aiq know where the Crusader's Relics are?"



Sure you can. Here's an example:

Mazken : "How may I serve?"
Me: :hubbahubba:

When Ysabel says ''start talkin' already'',i always say ''stop shutting up already!''.

And when Pirates says ''I ain't got nothin' to say to you fancy pants.''

I say ''But I got something to say to you fancy pants'' and start fighting

"You are hardly a match for m--" *Dead*

"You move like a pregnant --" *Dead*

"It will be your blood here, not m--" *Dead*

"I've fought mudcrabs more fearsome than y--" *Dead*

"Come on, Fi--" *Dead*

"I will enjoy this!" *Dead. Guess he enjoys being killed.*

And finally, my favorite...

"I have waited a long time for you, Champion of Old Tamriel. You are the last gasp of a dying age. You breathe the stale air of false hope. How little you understand! You canno--" *Dead*

And I tend to do this one in morrowind a lot.

"Why walk when you can ride?" "Why talk when you can shut it?"

Dunmer: You move like a pregnant cow!
Me: What's a cow?

NPC: Look at the muscles on you!
Me: *Slowly edges away*
or
Me: Sorry babe, I'm taken.

Alval Uvani: You get any closer and I'll turn your bones to ash!
Me: *high pitched* You get any closer and I'll turn your bones to ash!

NPC: This is the part where you fall down and bleed to death!
Me: NO U.

Bandit to my Argonian companion: "You'll make a fine pair of boots, Argonian!"
Me: "Your skin will make a nice tapestry and your ribcage, a fine hat!" *kills bandit, wears ribcage as a hat, gets odd look from companion*

Bandit: "This is the part where you fall down and bleed to death!"
Me: "No, that's your job. Trust me. I read the script." *shortly thereafter, bandit falls down and bleeds to death*

NPC: "What do you want?"
Me: "What do you have?"

Highwayman: "Your money or your life?"
Me: "Your money and your life!" *kills highwayman, takes his money*

Bandit: "You're a traitor to your own race!"
Me: "You attack me and call me a traitor?! Denial much?"

Guard: "What are you looking for?"
Me: :whisper: :hubbahubba:

That's the funniest thing I have ever heard! That was in Monty Python's Holy Grail too right?