"THE DAWN IS BREAKING!!!"-Mythic Dawn Agent
"Actually its midnight kind sir" *kills him*-me

Hahaha, so great to see these Monty Python quotes here! I wonder if anybody uses any lines from The Meaning of Life in the subtle monologue.
Vyper, yours have me literally laughing out loud here at work. Keep posting more!!
(That's right, I work at a hospital and I'm on BSF reading cheesy lines about NPCs. )

Lucien Lachance: You sleep rather soundley for a.......

Me: Oh come on! Hows a guy supposed to level/sleep when everydamn person with a quest sqeezed up their [censored] comes to me and wakes me up!

Bolwing, Crucible: "Gal bursten it"
Me: "Yeah, I still like Crazy Frog too"

NPC: They say that when you murder someone, the dark brotherhood comes-

Me: *left clicks*


Lucien Lachance: You sleep rather soundly for a murder-

Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! *stabs in the face*

Or:

Lucien Lachance: You sleep rather soundly for a murderer...

Me: Look, how was I supposed to know the guy would prostrate himself before me begging me to cut his head off in front of thousands of people
..It was still worth it tho :laugh:

Lucien Lachance: ... :blink:

Glad you like them! Here are some more...


Emperor: "You are the one from my dreams."
Me: :bolt:

NPC: "They say that when you murder someone, the Dark Brotherhood visits you in your sleep. It's how they recruit new members."
Me: "Really? Thanks for the tip." *kills informative NPC, gets visited by Dark Brotherhood, joins up*

Jauffre: "The hoards of Oblivion are infinite. The guards of Bruma are not."
Me: "Yes they are. Here, watch this." *kills every guard in Bruma, waits three days*
Me: "See? More guards!"

Baeralorn (Anvil Castle's mage): "Our gracious Countess funds my research. I ward tame rats with resistance spells, then shower them with elemental attacks."
Me: :blink: "And PETA doesn't object to this? Wow."

Anvil Guard, when asked about Anvil: "Pretty, isn't it? And quiet too. There isn't much work for us here."
Me: "Anvil is a port town with two bars right on the docks and there isn't much for you to do here?! And what about that incident at the chapel? You call that 'nothing'?! I'm glad I don't live here!"

Bosmer NPC introducing herself: "Huurwen of the Fighters Guild. Health and fortune."
Me: "Drehdwyn of the Dark brotherhood. Death and destruction." *kills Huurwen*

NPC: "My name is Lurio Maenius. I share a house with Matthias Draconis. I'm between jobs as a private guard."
Me: "You're between jobs? Wouldn't that mean Mattias is sharing the house with you and not the other way around?"

Bandit: "Looks like we have a live one!"
Me: "That's more than can be said for you!" *kills bandit*

Bandit: "Jump on my sword while you still can!"
Me: "How 'bout I do this instead!" *shoots bandit between the legs with poisoned arrow*
Bandit: "Ayaaagh!" (actual battle cry after he was hit) *bandit dies from the poison*

Imperial City Guard: "If you run into trouble, come find me."
Me: *runs into bandit trouble in the wilderness, runs to IC with bandit in pursuit the whole way, finds guard, guard attacks bandit, bandit kills guard, I kill bandit*
Me, looking down at guard: *rolls eyes* "Yeah, you were really helpful. Next time, I'll handle things myself." *shakes head, loots bandit and guard corpses, walks away*

Guard: "Stop!"
Me: "Ask me your questions. I am not afraid."
Guard: "You've violated the law!"
Me: "Aarrg! Wrong quest again!"
Guard: "Pay the court a fine or serve your sentence!"
Me: "I'm not paying squat and the only things I'll serve are pain and death!"
Guard: "Then pay with your blood!"
Me: "I say thee, Nay! I shall pay with yours!" *kills guard with a rather nasty poisoned arrow to the eye*

NPC: 'You're a sneaky looking sort'
Real me: 'I'm sorry can I help you?'

Game me: *Pickpockets gold and housekey and proceeds to loot NPC house* Teach you to judge.

I remember one time, I became a vamp (on accident) the same time that Lucian visited me... so I started with a nightmare, woke up screaming, and then...

You sleep rather soundly for a murderer...

:huh: :bonk: :blink: :bolt:

NPC: They say when you murder someone, the Dark Brotherhood visits you in your sleep. It's how they recruit new members.
Me: *writing down on notepad* ...visits you... in your sleep...

Recently, I've made a good bit of gold dungeon-crawling, so...
Highwayman: Your money or your life.
Me: * Has almost 15000 septims* 100 septims? Yeah, I think I do that. Here. *gives him the money, walks away laughing*

*makes ugly character*

Emperor- Your the one from my nightmares!
Me- :bolt:

On top of mountain.
Fan- By azura by azura!!!!
*push*
Me- *that falling whistle sound* *splat*

Septim: "You...I've seen you...Let me see your face...

Me: "If you can't already see my face, then how do you know you've seen me before?"

NPC: I'm so happy to see you, I could burst!

Me: :blink: ............ :rofl:

Jensine: See anything you like?
Me: Actually no. But since you have the lowest Mercantile skill in town and will buy almost anything, I figured I'd drop in here to sell all this crap to you. You know, "lighten my load and grow my coin purse" or whatever?

Jensine: If you tell anyone I said anything bad about Aude. . .
Me: Just shut up will ya! Geeze, what do I have to do to get you to stop saying that everytime I leave here!? Go finish the quest or what!?

Maro Rufus: The Best Defense! Thats me! . . .
Me: Dude . . . that is so weird *giggles* You're not a shop, you're a shop KEEPER . . . I just got back from the Dreamscape and took a few shrooma and you are totally weirding me out . . .

Guard: "Ma'am?"
Me: Feeling lucky punk?

Feckless Bandit: Where ARE you!?
Twang, THUNK . . . Groan! Flomp
Me: Over HERE! *waves like Barbie saying bye bye now*

Tooth-in-the-Sea: "Is there anywhere in Tamriel you can escape from rats? Disease spreading nuisances."
Me: "We're underwater on the bottom of the Niben. I'm pretty sure you're safe from rats here. Slaughterfish on the other hand..."

NPC: "What can I do for you?"
Me: "Well, since you asked. Where can I go to fie a complaint against the guards. They let some old nut case into my cell and he made a pass at me. Claimed he was the Emperor, if you can believe that."

Guard: "What are you looking for?"
Me: "The Holy Gra...no wait, that's not it. Umm...Camelot? No no, that's not it either. The lyrics to Isn't it awfully nice to have a...no, I'm not looking for that either. :lightbulb: Oh, I know! Incontinentia Buttox. Do you know where she is?"

And now for something completely different...

Bandit: "Where are you?"
Me: *shoots fatal arrow into back of bandit's head* "Behind you. You should have checked my profile on this forum. It says it right there." :whistling:

NPC: "I have the best goods and lowest prices in all of Tamriel."
Me: "Hmm...where have I heard that before?"

Female NPC to my male Bosmer: "This is a wondrous encounter!"
Me: "Sorry, but you ain't that good looking."

Jair: "I'm Jair. I'm a dip"
Me: :blink: "A what?"
Jair: "A pickpocket."
Me: "Whew, what a relief..wait, what?"
Jair: "Relax. You're safe from me. You look like you might take offense."
Me: "Yeah, and I'd voice that 'offense' with an arrow through your eye."
Jair: "You have to watch out for pickpockets in the city. You’d be surprised how many waterfronters earn a good income that way."
Me: "Well, if they try it on me, they'll earn an early grave. Or an offer to join me on an adventure. Maybe both."

NPC: "I have a feeling you and I are about to become very close."
Me: "Oh, not conceited at all, are we?"

I believe I saw her hanging out at the Colosseum with Biggus Di**us... :celebration:

NPC: You're a snaeky looking sort
*slash*
Me:You're a dead looking sort

Arena combatant:I'll make you fall down and BLEED to death!
*slash*
Me:Haha! Who's bleeding NOW?

NPC: "What can I do for you?"
Me: "Bring me...a shrubbery! One that looks nice. And not too expensive."

Guard: "What's this about?"
Me: "About a prisoner-turned-hero who undertakes numerous, dangerous quests to save the world as we know it from certain doom! Sounds interesting, doesn't it?"

NPC: "You smell of death. Been conjuring up dead things lately?"
Me: "Actually, I've been making things dead." *kills NPC, uses Staff of Worms on him* "Although you could say that, I suppose."

NPC: "Look at the muscles on you."
Me "What? Where?!"


Okay, this next one is a bit long. I decided to have a bit of fun with the conversation the Emperor has with you at the beginning of the game. Enjoy!


Emperor: "You. I've seen you."
Me: "Congratulations. So have lots of other people."
Emperor: "Let me see your face."
Me: "I thought you'd already seen it. Oh well, have a look."
Emperor: "You are the one from my dreams."
Me: "Wait, what?!"
Emperor: "The stars were right. This is the day."
Me: "No, it's really not."
Emperor: "Gods give me strength."
Me: "Oh gods! What's going on?!"
Emperor: "Assassins attacked my sons and I'm next."
Me: "Oh, is that what they're calling it now?"
Emperor: "My Blades are leading me out of the city along a secret escape route."
Me: "So you can have some 'privacy', right?"
Emperor: "By chance, the entrance to that escape rout lead through your cell."
Me: "I doubt chance has anything to do with it. Who are you, anyway?"
Emperor: "I am your emperor. By the grace of the gods, I serve Tamriel as her ruler."
Me: "Right. Her 'ruler'."
Emperor: "You are a citizen of Tamriel and you too will serve her in your own way."
Me: "I was afraid of this. Look, man, I don't go that way, especially in prison. Why am I in here, anyway?"
Emperor. "Perhaps the gods have placed you here so that we may meet."
Me: "Your guards placed me here and I have no desire to 'meat' you."
Emperor: "As for what you have done, it does not matter. That is not what you will be remembered for."
Me: "I'm not worried about what I've 'done'. I'm worried about what you plan on having me 'do' and who's going to be 'remembering' it. I march to my own beat, thank you."
Emperor: "So do we all. But what path can be avoided whose end is fixed by the almighty gods?"
Me: "I seriously doubt the gods are involved in what you're planning."
Renault: "Please sire. We must keep moving."
Me: "By the Nine, yes! Please keep moving. Preferably, away from me."
Baurus: "Looks like this is your lucky day, prisoner."
Me: "Somehow, I don't feel so 'lucky'."

Vyper, the innuendo in that one was brilliant

Thanks! It was pretty fun to write.

M'raaj- Filthy Ape
Me: But I'm a lizard

Captain Matius: Where is the Lord why isnt he with you??
Me: He's laying face down in a pool of his own blood.

I don't make funny replies, just use the F word alot and tell them to shut the F up.

"You look like the newest addition to the Arcane University. This Humble Battlemage bids you welcome"
"And you look like the same idiot that keeps repeating that over and over again."

did it piss anyone else off that literally all the important necromancers you run into during the mages guild main quest have this stupid little speech about what a poor dear you are and how in over your head you are and how they are going to put your remains to good use?

Necromancer: "Another mages guild fool for us to slaughter? Don't worry, we won't prolong your suffering - too much."
Me: "I'm going to enjoy gutting you."

OK, here's mine, BTW I *love* all the Monty Python jokes in this thread. Classic humour!

NPC: "What do you want?"
Me: "I'd want your armour, your boots and your horse."

Me (facing Mehrunes Dagon) : "You shall not pass!"
MD: *squash*

Guard: "Stop right there criminal scum!"
Me: "Wait, wait. I know this drill. 'You have the right to remain silent, blah blah blah', just let me call my lawyer, I'll straighten it all out."
Guard: "No actually, this is the part where you fall down and bleed!"
Me: "Oh sh*t."

Emporer: "I know you, I've seen you. You are the one from my dreams!"
Me: "No no no, I know how this ends! The guy you want is that jack*** across from me. That's where the secret passage is."
Valen: "Hah! Emporer scum! You think you're so high and mighty---" *stab*
Baurus: "Shut up!"


OK, so I'm not the best comedian, but I'll think of others....